***Warning: subject contains sensitive material that may be triggers to some suffering from depression & self-harm***
I have had the urge to run-away or kill myself since I was in second-grade. I have hated life ever since I could comprehend that life is pain.
I have this tendency to take the embarrassment I feel or the correction I receive and twist it to mean: I will never be good enough and no one wants me. Then the philosophical part of me looks at that conclusion, solely believes in it and self-harm begins-both mentally and physically.
I learned about cutting when I was in Junior High from a friend who was participating in it. But way before then I was taking different actions to "harm" myself. From pinching myself, to biting my arm, to pulling out my hair, and to then finally using sharp edges. I remember I would bite myself so hard that the teeth marks would last about a month. When I started using objects to "cut" myself I first did it on the side of my right hand. I would use my Switchfoot wrist band to cover up the scars-I think most kids those days used wrist bands to cover up their scars. The one Christmas photo I ever took with Mother & sister shows my scar that is now covered by a tattoo.
Why did I give in to self-harm? Was it out of an attention deficiency or selfishness like most people guess? Maybe. But one thing for sure, the self-harm configured due my effort in trying to comfort myself from these lies I believed about myself and life. My solution was to perpetuate them with another lie: sex will make everything better.
Why did I give in to self-harm? Was it out of an attention deficiency or selfishness like most people guess? Maybe. But one thing for sure, the self-harm configured due my effort in trying to comfort myself from these lies I believed about myself and life. My solution was to perpetuate them with another lie: sex will make everything better.
It began when I was in first grade and my girl friend (who was a few years older than myself) made me climb on top of her butt so we could "make a baby." I knew this wasn't right and I felt uncomfortable. Regardless, that physical feeling stuck with me and I sought out other means to satisfy it. I gave up my virginity last year, but mentally & spirituality gave it up back in elementary school. I became addicted to pornography and even wished (secretly) that when I grew up I could be a Playboy Bunny. Ever since I can remember I created imaginary friends to help sooth my loneliness. Those "friends" really were boyfriends because I believed "Why would a real guy ever like me, let alone be with me?" This separation from reality grew more intense as I discovered technology and I could pose to be the woman men all wanted behind the screen. I don't technically have two personalities, but I sure as hell live like it at times. I can't count how many men have seen me naked. Nor can I fully explain how all of this makes me feel. One moment I'll be feeling like the Queen of the world, the very next I'll feel like absolute shit.
This is where my depression manifests itself. It's when I'm already in that deep, disgusting hole that instead of climbing out, I dig a deeper one....because I think "Who really cares?"
I'm a believer of Jesus, yes. I believe He loves & cares for me more than I could ever grasp, yes. I believe He holds fulfillment, healing, and a purpose for me, yes. However, in all of these things my knowledge and trust in my faith doesn't take away my gut-wrenching feelings of "I'm alone." It's a battle of the mind for sure. I know I shouldn't follow my feelings for they are not Truth-well, that is what I preach anyways.
The cut marks you see today are from earlier this year. I started using a knife when I moved out to Colorado five years ago. I started using a razor blade last fall. It was as if I was trying to make up for the years I didn't know how to cut myself "properly" (if that makes any sense). I would make my first cut dainty at first, then think about how much of a piece of shit I am, and then just slice it as fast as I could. I would make many marks in one sitting, cover it up with my shirt & watch the blood leak through it. I would lay here on my bed, with one hand holding my little blade and the other arm stretched out. I was in a state of utter separation.
As my scars are healed and fading (because my biracial skin likes erase them), I have several reactions but none of which have made me feel like I am truly cared about. Most every time someone points them out, it makes me want to do it more out of frustration-again with the cycle thing. However just because I have this feeling, I still need someone to pull me aside and notice. Not in the demeanor of: "What are those?" Why do you do that?" "Doesn't it hurt?" "Don't you know you're life and body are important?!" "Don't do that." "That doesn't solve anything." "It's so stupid." All these are real comments and reactions I've gotten-those and a blank stare.
There was one exception to these comments that really stuck with me and it happened this past July as I volunteered at a Christian music festival. A girl about my age, bumped into me and gave me a message from God. I don't always believe in so called prophets but she called me out. She said something along the lines of,
Why do I share this with you-an audience who doesn't even know me or if you do claim to "know" me but are flabbergasted by what you've just read, it's because 1) I need help 2) I know I'm not the only one & 3) I'm bored and when I'm bored I make dumb decisions. I would rather make this "dumb" decision of being vulnerable than another one of shame.
My favorite verse in the popular praise song "Ever Be" by Bethel Music is:
This is where my depression manifests itself. It's when I'm already in that deep, disgusting hole that instead of climbing out, I dig a deeper one....because I think "Who really cares?"
I'm a believer of Jesus, yes. I believe He loves & cares for me more than I could ever grasp, yes. I believe He holds fulfillment, healing, and a purpose for me, yes. However, in all of these things my knowledge and trust in my faith doesn't take away my gut-wrenching feelings of "I'm alone." It's a battle of the mind for sure. I know I shouldn't follow my feelings for they are not Truth-well, that is what I preach anyways.
The cut marks you see today are from earlier this year. I started using a knife when I moved out to Colorado five years ago. I started using a razor blade last fall. It was as if I was trying to make up for the years I didn't know how to cut myself "properly" (if that makes any sense). I would make my first cut dainty at first, then think about how much of a piece of shit I am, and then just slice it as fast as I could. I would make many marks in one sitting, cover it up with my shirt & watch the blood leak through it. I would lay here on my bed, with one hand holding my little blade and the other arm stretched out. I was in a state of utter separation.
As my scars are healed and fading (because my biracial skin likes erase them), I have several reactions but none of which have made me feel like I am truly cared about. Most every time someone points them out, it makes me want to do it more out of frustration-again with the cycle thing. However just because I have this feeling, I still need someone to pull me aside and notice. Not in the demeanor of: "What are those?" Why do you do that?" "Doesn't it hurt?" "Don't you know you're life and body are important?!" "Don't do that." "That doesn't solve anything." "It's so stupid." All these are real comments and reactions I've gotten-those and a blank stare.
There was one exception to these comments that really stuck with me and it happened this past July as I volunteered at a Christian music festival. A girl about my age, bumped into me and gave me a message from God. I don't always believe in so called prophets but she called me out. She said something along the lines of,
"You want this to be a part of your story but it's not.
Stop making this who you are; you are not those lies you believe.
You have gotten a lot better at discerning those voices of Truth from lies, but there was a time you believed whatever any one said.
Don't listen to them anymore.
You are beautiful and worthy.
Your life is important and you will have victory."
Why do I share this with you-an audience who doesn't even know me or if you do claim to "know" me but are flabbergasted by what you've just read, it's because 1) I need help 2) I know I'm not the only one & 3) I'm bored and when I'm bored I make dumb decisions. I would rather make this "dumb" decision of being vulnerable than another one of shame.
My favorite verse in the popular praise song "Ever Be" by Bethel Music is:
"Now you're making me like you
Clothing me in white
Bringing beauty from ashes
For You will have Your bride
Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name and it's why I sing
Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips"
I just want a rescuer and a sanctuary. I want to be done with the things I struggle with; I want to stop thinking that death is the only way out and carry out the mission of bringing heaven on Earth. Yet, as one of my favorite cartoon characters, Spongebob, said in one episode, "I'm not always as confident as I look."
Maybe it is a perfect timing that I writing this right after I announced that I was starting a new study on how God sees us as I announced in my last post. I have not forgotten about the study, I promise! Genesis is basically finished, it's just really time consuming looking up the Hebrew...so I might hold off on that particular part until I actually learn more Hebrew in grad school...Long story short, if anything I have shared today resonates with you I encourage you to come back and do this study with me. Lord, knows I could use your company! Together let us grow, learn, encourage, ignite on another and finish the race marked out for us until the day of completion.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
-Hebrews 12: 1-3
