Technically falling under a psychotic diagnosis (thus seen more in Bipolar or Schizophrenia Disorders), delusions and/or hallucinations can effect those suffering from or even cause Major Depression which can co-occur with Borderline Personality Disorder. These delusions &/or hallucinations are not common nor are they listed among the world’s most diagnosed personality disorder’s (BPD's) nine criteria. Regardless those with BPD can at extremely stressful times believe/feel/hear & or see things that aren’t there. The common types of delusions are noted under Delusional Disorder. A BPD individual could experience these on a much lower end of the scale but none the less negatively effecting all aspects of their lives. It's important to note that the depression found in BPD may still look different from the root causes in other diagnoses due it's link to specific childhood trauma, attachment styles, and genetic factors. Delusions can involve believing someone is trying to harm them, betray them, or that their ego is extremely inflated, or they have a problem that no one ever can fix. Typically, due to a BPD’s fear of abandonment, feelings of emptiness, and not having a stable identity, the first two situations are more prevalent.
(resources: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9599-delusional-disorder, https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30169467/, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wtMUfDwrdg&t=2958s, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLh98L0WZog&t=552s, https://youtu.be/vF08wnUXCUo?si=YFQR1kBzX53dA3zR )
When I was younger, particularly when I was elementary age and lived in the furnished attic of these blue apartments, I recall a couple of times hearing my name being called by people who weren’t there. Once it was a woman, another time it was an older male. Since I never found their source, years later I chucked it up to being angels who were calling me. I used to see tall dark fuzzy black figures in my doorways as well. I had a tumultuous childhood, so I sank inward to protect myself. I remember being so afraid of the dark when I was a child that I would cover my face with the bed’s blankets even if it meant I couldn’t breathe well. I would also hold my breath so I could hear more accurately the trauma happening in the next room.
Becoming more aware of how my quiet BPD has revealed itself throughout my life has also made me conscious of how Christianity has played into my developing brain. Already by the age of nine I dissociated (showed signs of depression)...a lot. I am well aware that I can’t self-diagnose and in addition to not meeting the average age of occurrence for delusions (age 40+), I had 'positive delusions'-an abnormal thing due to my religious conditioning. I believed I had a loving and holy relationship with Jesus, God’s son, who died and rose again for my sins that lead to hell. Regardless of how I felt that this “gospel” brought me a “new life,” its teachings could exploite someone who already suffers from these types of Delusions: Erotomanic, Grandiose, Jealous, Persecutory, Somatic.
This belief that Satan was seeking to kill & destroy me
This belief that I was chosen by God to get my family back on track
This belief that I was called to be a missionary…to India & the USA
This belief of us vs. them, Christ-Followers vs. Heathens, “of this world, not in it”
This belief that I was actually communicating with God. I heard Him & felt Him.
These things were 100% true for me and I felt like nature confirmed it. But that was also just my context.I understand that religion is so deeply embedded inside some of us that it feels like I’m trying to rip off our very skin. This is my personal opinion that there is no God. It is my opinion that at times this cult-like phanomenon can interact negatively on a already disruptive brain. My version of Christianity was all about intensity and feeling, urgency and contradictions. These indoctrinations from birth to adulthood perpetuated my already escapist-wired brain. My version of Christianity was like opening the door to the world of Narnia while I had been suffering traumatic events like our fictional characters created by C.S Lewis. Delusions often appear at the most stressful moments of our lives. They try to make sense of a world that doesn’t either by over or under-compensating.
Christianity gave me a purpose and hope, along with the frightening spiritual warfare and hell stuff. For many years my religion was my safety net, my security blanket. It was all my family and friends mainly knew. This is not saying that religion creates delusions; it makes a myth made into reality and convinces conformity. I hold the tension of both the good and harm it did to my BPD.
This also isn’t saying that my delusions have ended once I became an atheist. Today I still fear being alone or walking through my place, because I’m afraid of someone popping out to kill me. I freeze like a deer in headlights when I hear a creak in the night. My eyes play tricks on me and before I know it my thoughts of “someone is here” have convinced my heart to race.
Why do I share this? I feel like the more I have come out of my religion and more into the humanitarian perspective, the more I think religion shouldn’t be forced on children. But who am I to say how to raise a child? When is it the right time to teach a young mind spiritual beliefs and why? Should we regulate religious meetings more? How do we recognize the effects of our core beliefs on our mental illnesses? I would love to hear your thoughts.
My “heaven” would be one where everyone would apply all the healthy coping mechanisms we need to raise healthy humans so that we no longer have to pay for therapy.
