God Said Read Eph.2 for the Millionth Time

An epiphany just came to me as I thought about these lyrics I heard from a Christian song on the radio yesterday. This concept of I can't love God like He loves me. It's both a breathtaker for those of us who are perfectionist / performers and a slap in the face to the same crowd. It's a reminder of God's enormous love for us and a puzzle. The epiphany came in as I thought about myself and these man I say I "love." I think about how they are not the ones for me because they can't love me the way I love them or need to be loved. Where God comes in is that He is like me-loving those who don't love Him back and He feels the anguish not because they would complete Him but that they need Him. He knows what I'm feeling. He knows. He lives it everyday like I read in Sex God by Rob Bell. His love is perfect because it is sincere, meaning without cracks. But our love is cracked because we're broken. I want to ask why did He make us broken when all of us perfectionist people want to love Him back in the same degree? One) He did not make us broken, He made us real. Two) True love keeps no record of wrongs; thus, nothing needs to be repaid from the perfectionist who thinks their debt that Christ paid can be matched by their performance. God's love is powerful and deserves attention. But does it demand it? Does God command us to love Him? No, not exactly. He demands us to follow His commandments. Why? Because it will go well for us. There again His love shows up for us because He wants what is best for us. But how can we follow something that we do not love? This is  where life and learning styles come in, this is where we are taught "elemental truthes" as the Bible calls it and then we come at some point in our lives to a crossroad. That crossroad is choosing to love God more than thyself or vice versa. How sincere that moment is at accepting His death and resurrection for me, choosing to then pick up my cross (knowing His grace is a gift not a trade-off) is what seals me with the Holy Spirit and ensures my eternity with Him. So it is basically Ephesians 2. I once heard it said that we shouldn't say that when we accept Jesus as our personal Lord and Savior that we were saved. Rather we were saved when He took our place on the cross. Nothing we did provoked or insured our saving other than Jesus Himself. But we have to go to Him, we have to accept Him. There is no personal salvation if we stay where we are. There is Salvation, but not for us as individuals. It is like passing Go on the Monopoly board, you have to pass Go to get the $200. You have to GO through Jesus for salvation. However, you can pass Go and say you want to keep that $200 in the bank. It would be very stupid, because you're only harming yourself and the gift is what no one would pass up. But that's the thing, Jesus's gift to us is a choice, offered to everyone, to benefit the person, if only the person accepts it. Then when that moment finally does come and we accept who He is, who we are, and live in that new creation from that gift and Truth, we are no longer seen as broken but whole. When you're whole you can be sincere, when you're sincere you can truly love. And yet our love will always fall short from the love that God provides towards us every single day. That shouldn't be a discouragement to keep loving Him, but rather a great encouragement for He is greater than anything we can ever think or imagine and we get to be one in that Truth.

My Depression & Our Hope

***Warning: subject contains sensitive material that may be triggers to some suffering from depression & self-harm***

I have had the urge to run-away or kill myself since I was in second-grade. I have hated life ever since  I could comprehend that life is pain.

I have this tendency to take the embarrassment I feel or the correction I receive and twist it to mean: I will never be good enough and no one wants me. Then the philosophical part of me looks at that conclusion, solely believes in it and self-harm begins-both mentally and physically.

I learned about cutting when I was in Junior High from a friend who was participating in it. But way before then I was taking different actions to "harm" myself. From pinching myself, to biting my arm, to pulling out my hair, and to then finally using sharp edges. I remember I would bite myself so hard that the teeth marks would last about a month. When I started using objects to "cut" myself I first did it on the side of my right hand. I would use my Switchfoot wrist band to cover up the scars-I think most kids those days used wrist bands to cover up their scars. The one Christmas photo I ever took with Mother & sister shows my scar that is now covered by a tattoo.

Why did I give in to self-harm? Was it out of an attention deficiency or selfishness like most people guess? Maybe. But one thing for sure, the self-harm configured due my effort in trying to comfort myself from these lies I believed about myself and life. My solution was to perpetuate them with another lie: sex will make everything better.

It began when I was in first grade and my girl friend (who was a few years older than myself) made me climb on top of her butt so we could "make a baby." I knew this wasn't right and I felt uncomfortable. Regardless, that physical feeling stuck with me and I sought out other means to satisfy it. I gave up my virginity last year, but mentally & spirituality gave it up back in elementary school. I became addicted to pornography and even wished (secretly) that when I grew up I could be a Playboy Bunny. Ever since I can remember I created imaginary friends to help sooth my loneliness. Those "friends" really were boyfriends because I believed "Why would a real guy ever like me, let alone be with me?" This separation from reality grew more intense as I discovered technology and I could pose to be the woman men all wanted behind the screen. I don't technically have two personalities, but I sure as hell live like it at times. I can't count how many men have seen me naked. Nor can I fully explain how all of this makes me feel. One moment I'll be feeling like the Queen of the world, the very next I'll feel like absolute shit.

This is where my depression manifests itself. It's when I'm already in that deep, disgusting hole that instead of climbing out, I dig a deeper one....because I think "Who really cares?"

I'm a believer of Jesus, yes. I believe He loves & cares for me more than I could ever grasp, yes. I believe He holds fulfillment, healing, and a purpose for me, yes. However, in all of these things my knowledge and trust in my faith doesn't take away my gut-wrenching feelings of "I'm alone."  It's a battle of the mind for sure. I know I shouldn't follow my feelings for they are not Truth-well, that is what I preach anyways.

The cut marks you see today are from earlier this year. I started using a knife when I moved out to Colorado five years ago. I started using a razor blade last fall. It was as if I was trying to make up for the years I didn't know how to cut myself "properly" (if that makes any sense). I would make my first cut dainty at first, then think about how much of a piece of shit I am, and then just slice it as fast as I could. I would make many marks in one sitting, cover it up with my shirt & watch the blood leak through it. I would lay here on my bed, with one hand holding my little blade and the other arm stretched out. I was in a state of utter separation.

As my scars are healed and fading (because my biracial skin likes erase them), I have several reactions but none of which have made me feel like I am truly cared about. Most every time someone points them out, it makes me want to do it more out of frustration-again with the cycle thing. However just because I have this feeling, I still need someone to pull me aside and notice. Not in the demeanor of: "What are those?" Why do you do that?" "Doesn't it hurt?" "Don't you know you're life and body are important?!" "Don't do that." "That doesn't solve anything." "It's so stupid." All these are real comments and reactions I've gotten-those and a blank stare.

There was one exception to these comments that really stuck with me and it happened this past July as I volunteered at a Christian music festival. A girl about my age, bumped into me and gave me a message from God. I don't always believe in so called prophets but she called me out. She said something along the lines of,

"You want this to be a part of your story but it's not. 

Stop making this who you are; you are not those lies you believe. 

You have gotten a lot better at discerning those voices of Truth from lies, but there was a time you believed whatever any one said. 

Don't listen to them anymore. 

You are beautiful and worthy. 

Your life is important and you will have victory."

Why do I share this with you-an audience who doesn't even know me or if you do claim to "know" me but are flabbergasted by what you've just read, it's because 1) I need help 2) I know I'm not the only one & 3) I'm bored and when I'm bored I make dumb decisions. I would rather make this "dumb" decision of being vulnerable than another one of shame.

My favorite verse in the popular praise song "Ever Be" by Bethel Music is:

"Now you're making me like you

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame

And known by her true name and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips"

I just want a rescuer and a sanctuary. I want to be done with the things I struggle with; I want to stop thinking that death is the only way out and carry out the mission of bringing heaven on Earth. Yet, as one of my favorite cartoon characters, Spongebob, said in one episode, "I'm not always as confident as I look." 

Maybe it is a perfect timing that I writing this right after I announced that I was starting a new study on how God sees us as I announced in my last post. I have not forgotten about the study, I promise! Genesis is basically finished, it's just really time consuming looking up the Hebrew...so I might hold off on that particular part until I actually learn more Hebrew in grad school...Long story short, if anything I have shared today resonates with you I encourage you to come back and do this study with me. Lord, knows I could use your company! Together let us grow, learn, encourage, ignite on another and finish the race marked out for us until the day of completion.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

-Hebrews 12: 1-3

A Letter to the Women in the Halfway House

Dear Women in the Halfway House,

The Holy Spirit has lead me to a position of working among you. To God I look to for guidance in our daily encounters and monthly meetings. Through Christ Jesus I love, forgive, and instruct you. Although our environment is not one to call "holy" nor a place we often even for a second desire to be, it is our forbearance and your success that is holding everything together.

You have seen life. You have experienced life. I get it. You have been abused, neglected, cheated, and lied to. I see it. You have made mistakes, you have created these chains and caused heartache. I feel it. In all of these things, I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to see that we are equal. I want you to feel freedom, grace, and mercy.

May the same love God has for myself be known and amplified among you. May it be louder than the labels society has given you or you may have given yourself. May it be stronger than the drugs you onced used to take you away from the pain and more invigorating than the high you thought you needed.

When I look at you, I see you through my Father's eyes. I may not be the world's most intelligent, proficient in criminology, or a psychologist and God has not called me to be so. He has called me to listen, love, and follow. These instructions I also present to you: listen, love, follow.  You are more than this world says you are, you more than what you have become, your past does not define you, and your crimes can be a chapter in a grander story. Your story can be a tool for positive change in a world that desperately needs it. It needs your talents, your strengths, your laughter, your wisdom, and your creativity.

I set before you instructions. I set before you a goal. How do we together make these things attainable? How do we together do life-life in such of a dynamic as this?

I am still young in years, but I have been through much. I see my sins the same as yours, although worldly justice gives more weight to others. Our paths have been very different and yet, here we stand face to face. I see your face, not your number. I sit here behind a glass watching you figure out life not being behind bars. I know you are searching for meaning, an anchor, stability, love, security, and hope. You are not alone. Your Heavenly Father is right here beside you. He knows exactly what you need and has the perfect time for it. He only ever has good in store for you. You are who He came for. You are worthy of everything He has to offer, even His only begotten son whom He sent on a cross as an atonement for the world's crimes. You mean everything to Him! He wants you, even if it was only ever just you. Even with your history, He wants you.

This is what my heart beats for. This is why I am here. I am not here to make your life more miserable, although I keep you accountable. Yet, I pray in my imperfections you see the way to Jesus. He can and will be your strength, your joy, your revival-that is if you allow Him to be.

I know among you there are some that are already my sisters in the Lord. I praise God for each one of you. May the same forgiveness He has imparted to me be unto you. May the same discipline He has bestowed upon me be in you.

I leave you with this melody. May you meditate on these truths today and until the day you leave these confines:  

In love,
Your Security

This Is It, This Is Me

It always seems like the best poetry comes when I'm broken
Rather than when I'm clean.
You see I'm sick & dirty;
Wait, that's right-
I never let you see.
Behind those screens I hide,
My Master isn't the one I cry to-
Instead I'm lead by you-my enemy.
Your appraisal, your time.
Nothing fits me better than these crimes....
So I think.
I think about what I've done
& how God sent His only son.
But I'm a mess of a man;
Why did You, O God, have to come?
I'll never understand.
God picks me up & seats me at the table.
My old dirty rags are traded for something more stable.
He cried out, "Son, you're home at last."
Funny how all this time I spent thinking the opposite.
Funny how all this time I wasted thinking He was the worst of it.
You don't take away my fun,
You don't take away my talent.
You crown me with love
And you give me a palace.
I don't understand,
I don't get it-
How God's only son died & rose again.
For me, for me He says.
But what have I done other than rattle this old gun?
What have I done but destroy all that matters?
You see, what I thought was peace really lead me behind bars.
What I thought was security really left me broken & weak.
But God doesn't call me a failure.
In His Son I am more than a conquerer.
I am free at last, free at last-
Thank God Almighty we can be free at last!
Don't let me live that way again, Father.
Turn my gaze & my heart to what never falters.
You hold the whole world in your hands,
That includes all of my disasters.

Gospel Conclusions

If you have been following me or just started, you may have read that for the past year I have been "re-reading the Gospels." Last week I just read the last chapter of John. Going through the story of Jesus by the accounts of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John has been a very eye-opening experience to say the least. I obviously did not write a post every time I read a chapter, but as John concludes his writings so I say the same: "And there are also many other things that Jesus did, I suppose not even the world itself could contain the books that would be written." (John 21: 25).

I could go through and tell you all the details about the men, the contrasts between the accounts, and the historic background. Although I love to learn about these things as well, my main objective in this "re-reading" (that all started from a book study during my internship with Global Hope India) was to learn more about Jesus.

I have grown to be very suspicious of any person who says they have read the whole Bible and yet has not let who Jesus was affect them personally. For someone who has grown up in church and  who has walked with God since the age of twelve, I have learned so much more about Jesus than I ever had before.

Jesus simply blows my mind!

Yet, we can not stop there can we? I have heard many people say that they too would have been a follower of Jesus and what Jesus taught were really good morals. Some people even say "Sure, we should listen to him." But Jesus did not just teach good morals nor was He just a good person.

You may say, "Samantha, that's a personal opinion." And I would say, "No, that's the Gospel."

Something that struck a chord with me as I read the book of John is that it seems to be Jesus himself who quotes that famous verse we have all come to know all so well:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoever should believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."- John 3:16

If you are wanting the backstories of these authors, a more in length description of the contrasts between them, and the historic pieces I would recommend reading The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel. However, if you are wanting an encounter with the Jesus-this person whom we as Christians worship and claim to follow, I recommend you to read the Gospels personally.

Every time I read, I thought to myself "Man, I have so much more to learn yet....keep showing me more of who you are, Lord."

Don't just "sit there like a bump on a log," like my Grandma used to say. If you want to know more, seek more!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."-Matthew 7:7-8

You were meant to know who Jesus was, what He taught, and what He did-what He did for you and I.

I want to say that I now "close" this study, but truth is as a believer we never close off our attention to who Jesus was and is. He is the reason we continue on.

But I do say this, another study has been pressing on my heart for some time now and I hope that you would be so intrigued as to join me once again (or for the first time). As I have dove more into who my Savior was, I now want to dive into who He says I am. Who He says we are. I don't know exactly what all of this research will entail, but journey along with me as I start from the beginning...

Genesis here we come!

......

So why The Lion King clip? Because I love The Lion King; 'nuf said. (There is a connection, but you can figure it out) ;)

Purple Dinosuar

My little purple dinosaur how you've sat in my chest of treasures for years.

You've been on my mind, my friend.

My precious little plastic toy you've seen it all.

From my play key chains you hung. 

Upon dresser shelves you sat.

Among decorations and other playthings.

My scuffed up little purple dinosaur.

How could I have forgotten you?

I've tried my best to hide my youth and childish things,

but today I take you out.

Today you sit in front of me reminding me the way things used to be.

I remember the day you broke;

I remember the day you fell. 

The day I was forced to say goodbye and so-long. 

You represent simplicity, good times & contagious child laughter.

Purple Dinosaur.

You make no sense in the today's world.

Your color isn't right and your body isn't thin.

You're too small.  

What possible difference can you make in the world of today?

You can't even roar; you scare no one.

But there you are.....here you are inside me.

Inside hidden in my chest of treasures.

You lay underneath these new age lies-

you're buried underneath what it means to be an adult.

My little purple dinosaur.

I have forgotten about the little girl inside. 

She looks up from the grave she's built and wonders who will find her.

She sits and stares as time goes by.

Time has covered her with scales and shells.

She has rough edges protruding from her back.

Her arms and head are scuffed....she been dragged along roads she did not belong.

I remember the day she fell, the day I had to say "so-long."

Why can't we play, laugh, and sing like we used to?

Why must we fight, cry, and scream?

There is so much hatred and darkness; I can not see.

Where is the light?

Where is the love?

My little purple dinosaur come back to me; 

come back to us.

Bring back the naive, the unknowing, and joy of each moment.

Remind us we are not alone.

Remind me you have not left.

Those old times can be brought back.

Purple dinosaur,

you're nothing and yet, you're everything.  

Twelve

Twelve is significant for me.
At twelve years old I gave my life to Jesus.
I heard God's voice and I was forever changed.
That was twelve years ago.

I've been doing much reflecting and reminiscing.

I've been doing some reading through 1 Timothy, Romans & Psalms-words repeadly telling me "Don't forget what was preached to you, what has been taught, & where you have set your foundation! You know all too well that the world teaches one thing & the Word another. So don't forsake the Truth! Dive deeper & test everything your ears hear! For this is your Hope. In this your feet will never fail."

So here I sit reading John (the same book in the Bible I studied twelve years ago) and read these words today:

"All I have is yours and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them."-John 17:10

These words are coming from Jesus as He is praying for His disciples (both present & future) before He is about to be handed over to die for our sins.

I read these words and am first torn because it feels like this is such a great mystery. Second, I feel excited.

I feel this way because if I am like the rest of the world (which I most certainly am) I know exactly what I need to lay down before God....but I too often forget what it is I need to pick up....or maybe we know both things, but aren't motivated....and thus, we experience more heartache from our brokenness, yes?

So I made a list of twelve things (imagine that) we have in Jesus. A reminder to both you & I:

Power/triumph
Joy
Strength
Peace
Access to the Father
Forgiveness
Confidence
True Life
Satisfaction
Completion
Royal Status
Healing/Restoration

Great things huh?

But thing is you're never going to truly know (aka experience) them until you truly lay down your stuff.

So what's your stuff?

Did you know you had all of this (& much, much more) in Jesus? If you didn't, I recommend reading the book of John...it's a great start.

I look over my twelve years of walking with the Lord & I see all the things I still need to lay down.

I want His glory in my life.

But first I need to want to have ALL of my things to be His & vis versa.

"Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken"
- Psalm 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
-1 Peter 5:7

May this be your prayer today, tomorrow, & everyday. I know it's hard, but we do this together!

"Lord, forgive me. Teach me, guide me-take my hand! Let me not lean on my own understanding. Holy Spirit remind me, correct me, & sustain me. You are worthy of having my life; for you laid down yours for mine. Thank you, Jesus."
❤❤❤

Come Already

My friends, family, and strangers alike this one thing I want you to know and this is the one thing I will forever proclaim from now until I take my last breath-this is the Good News (more than just "good", but great and profound news), that while we were still sinners God came down to rescue us (Romans 5: 6-8). He took the form of a man; the name Jesus was given Him (Matthew 1: 21-23), but He also took upon the names of Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Jesus bore all our shame, all our guilt, all of our iniquities upon the cross (Isaiah 53:5). He took the fall that we deserved. He died a criminal's death although He, himself, was spotless (Philippians 2:6-8). He did this with pure joy. He did this with great, unmeasurable love (Ephesians 3: 16-19). Why? Because you are His. His handiwork, His masterpiece; His priceless gem (Ephesians 2:10)! You see what the world and what sin meant to destroy, God has made new. He is making all things new (Revelation 21:5)! He wants to make you new. He wants to redeem you, to free you, to forgive you, and to save you...but much, much more! He wants to walk with you, be with you, discuss with you, teach you, and guide you (2 Peter 3:9)! Why? Well, I've already said but I will say it again-He loves you! He loves you! He loves you! There is no condemnation here (John 3:17). There is no fear here (1 John 4: 16-18). He loves you. He loves you. He loves you. There are no prerequisites; no need to be perfect, just come...come to the Father, your Creator, your Designer. His arms are open wide. They truly, truly are. Don't you know or have you not heard that if you simply call upon the name of Jesus that you will be saved (Jeremiah 29: 11-14)?! How can we put our trust in something we can not see, you ask? How can put so much in faith in something we do not fully understand? Because we have been touched. Something has stirred in our cold, stone hearts that made it break and come alive (Ezekiel 36:26-27)! We who claim to follow Jesus, we were once blind but now we see (John 9)-for He is our reality (Colossians 2:17b)! He is the well that will never run dry (John 4: 1-26)! His words will never end (Matthew 24:35)! And He lives! For death could not hold Him! Do not forget, that He rose again victorious! He conquered over your bondages, over your separation, over what you say was impossible (1 Corinthians 15:55-57)! He made a way for us to come back home! For this world and it's many sorrows is not our home (Hebrews 13:14), it is not our permanent dwelling. We were created to dwell in paradise and harmony with our God. Our God who has given us breath, has given us motion (Ezekiel 37:1-14), has given us true wisdom, and knowledge, but most importantly the option to choose Him. Yes, the option to choose Him. You can turn and do your own thing (Romans 1:21-25). You can run and forget all that I have just said. But the price of your sin is not worth it. For the wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23). A death that is forever a separation from your Father...from His presence...from His peace (Matthew 13:1-43). This is the greatest sorrow, that we would make out our God to be a liar and forsake such Truth for our own "truth" (1 John 1-8-10). For Jesus is the only Truth that can set us free (John 8: 31-32). So what holds you back? Is this too much to bare? This pill to hard to swallow? Some even who had walked side by side with Jesus thought so too, so they left (John 6: 61-66). Some however, followed Jesus even to the point of death (Acts 7) and still many do today. For to say that you believe, is to say you will follow, and to follow is to lay down your life in the light that He is greater (Matthew 10: 38-39). So together, let's go. Let's go to the one who calls us by name, calls us out of darkness...out of hiding. Let us throw off everything that hinders (Hebrews 12:1-3), everything that entangles, everything that trips us up from shouting from the top of our lungs: "HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, ARE YOU O GOD!!!!!"

Sweet Stabbing Aches

My friend,
why did you have to leave so soon?
My love,
Why did you leave without saying goodbye?
Did I mean so little to you
Or
Was the pain of this world we've created too much to bare?
My friend,
I miss you...More than words can say...
Did you even think what you're decision would do to me?
Did you even think?
I wish I knew your reasons why...

Every crazed song,
mountainous skyline,
& blue screen,
They bring bittersweet tastes.
I wish I could turn back time
And tell you what you mean...
You were my joy,
You were what I inspired to be.
You were my hope,
You were who I always longed to see.

My friend,
Did you leave because of something I said?
Was it something I did?
How can I not turn this back on me...
My love,
Couldn't we have started again?
I'm at a loss.
You're gone. You're gone. You're gone.

I want your touch & laughter back.
Your smile was my warmth;
Your insights were my strengths.
What was it you exactly lacked?
What did I not have that you needed?
My love,
You took a part of me when you departed.

Now that you're gone, how can I go on?
Maybe...just maybe
If I left too we would magically meet again
Somewhere on that shore...
Somewhere under the tracks...
My friend, is that what you wanted?
I wish you could speak to me now,
So this sorrow would be no more...
I have you no more.
No more.
No more.

A Letter to All Those Who Have

Dear Those Who Have,

Greetings from close or far away; from another who has and does.

Growing up in church or in a strict Christian home, you were told not to have sex until you were married. You've been told all these things about sex, maybe things like "sex is bad."
I am sorry.
You've been lied to and deceived.
In the efforts in trying to protect you, someone has just made you more fearful...or in the opposite case, more rebellious.
If you're like me or like the rest of humankind, you want to do what you were told not to do. It's in our nature.
What is also in our nature is to be physically intimate with someone-to have sex.
This is how you were made! This is how your parents were made!
There is nothing about sex that is bad.
In fact, everything God creates and gives is good. And we can not talk about sexuality without talking about spirituality. I recommend reading the book Sex God by Rob Bell.
But, that is not the jest of this letter.
The jest of this letter comes from the look of one teenage girl's face as an adult explains to her what premarital sex does.
I see my heart reflected on her face...in her eyes...
I know that without words, she is saying, "But I have already had sex."
I just sat there watching and listening to this conversation.
The typical imagery I was given in my youth group days is brought up-
"It's like if you glued too pieces of paper together...and then, tried separating them after that bond...you will take all those experiences with you into marriage and it will be all this extra baggage for you to carry."
I saw the young girl's eyes start to faintly swell.

With every bad news there needs to be a good news.
And honey, how I wanted to gently grasp your young face, look you in those deep big  blue eyes and say these words:

"But know this, my love! You are not alone! You are not "used goods"! You are not damaged or outcasted! Your feelings and emotions are not wrong; you are experiencing what everyone else does. You crave and want what we all want! Do not be afraid; do not be ashamed! God does not punish you! He loves you sooooooooo sooooo very much! He only asks that you wait until marriage because He knows what sex is really about, what it really does. You see, sex isn't just a physically thing. It's wrapped up in emotions and something spiritual we simply can not fully explain. He doesn't want you to hurt or to feel the pain that comes with not being with the person He created you to actually be "one" with. Your body is a temple; a treasure to be cherished and honored! You are worth more than gold! Don't let anyone take that away from you! But know we, I, have been there. That even when you do have sex before "love has so desired", know that God loves you the same as He did yesterday! We ask that you be wise, use protection...For sexual immorality is not a sin against God but against your very body instead. This means that STDS are possible and very prevalent. We, those who love you, don't want you to experience such things. We don't want to see you suffer. Sex was created to bring happiness, not sorrow. Sex is meant to be the accumulation of the love already begotten, not the definition or foundation of love itself. God is love, know this and foremost. He knows your wants and needs. Trust in His promises-that He has a great future for you. And my love, even in those moments when you let go of those Truths, know they never let go of you! Physical virginity may have been taken, but with God your mind can be renewed. If you want to surrender this and allow God to do something greater with it other than just a one night stand, know it will be counter-cultural and hard. But again, know you are not alone! Together we can and will do this. Because it's not that sex isn't a want, it's because our want to follow what God has said (about us & sex) is greater."

I'm so glad that the lady who spoke to this young girl in reality was honest and said that she had not waited until marriage. We need more honest "church people."

So lift up your chin all those who have been there and done that. There are no judgements. There is no shame. Together we gather our broken hearts and wounded spirits.

The ground at the foot of the cross is level always and forever.

Sincerely,
One Who Has

Understanding Me...(Past)

I recently watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...and man, did it make me really fear relationships...

It's not just the movie that has made me become reflective. It has in been in the preparing to work for Royalty Family Kids Camp, it's been from my last (& only) four year experiences in dating, it's been from the friendships with guys, it's from my deep crying sessions alone in my car, it's been from the many counseling sessions I've been through, and it's been in seeing how my Mother treats my half-sister today...

Why am I the way I am? 

Why do I do the things I do?

My current counselor strongly recommended me to read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and Sex God by Rob Bell.

That's why I picked this scene from the 2004 film by Michel Gondry.

You see (and I say "you" meaning to my future self, because that's typically the only person who reads my posts repeatedly) this is my past/what I grew up with:

• neglect
• emotional abuse
• substance abuse 
• abandonment in some cases
• vicarious abuse-witnessing physical & emotional abuse to another individual

These are not excuses for my behavior. Nor do they explain all of me.

The part of me that has been taught positivity says: "Forgive or else your just hurting yourself. You love your mother; for the same love God has for you, He has for her....she did the best she could."

The part of me that is still raw with emotions screams: "I can't. She didn't. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate everyone."

A bright orange sticky note in the manual preparing us for this camp that is to minister to children from foster care says this:

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..."-Isaiah 66:13a

What I really need to hear is:

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"-Isaiah 49:15

Sure my story could have been a lot worse! This is not a pity party.

However, this is me being real.

On our fridge no matter what new house we lived in, my mother had a poem similar to this one displayed-Children Learn What They Live.

I wanted to voice that I don't see the positive attributes displayed in myself, so what did that say about our home...

But I couldn't. I couldn't bring up tough or touchy subjects...like who was/is my birth father....or else the response would be a fitting rage and yell, "WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS NOW SAMANTHA!"

I don't like conflicts.

I always see them as something is horrible about me and not just something I did....or didn't do.

I was subconsciously taught that money for cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana were more important than buying new clothes or healthy food...for me...

Yeah, sure...we come from the lower class as it was...a family tree of farmers in an old German town no one has ever heard of in Illinois.

Jobs were scarce.

My mother got pregnant at 19 years old. She was still learning, still growing...

But there I go "sugar coating things again" ain't I? Or am I just noting the facts? The reality?

I was an only child until I was sixteen. 

We can see that this could relate to my introverted personality and the fact I relate/interact more with those older than me-birth order psychology

Then I learn from Dr. Karyn Purvis who specialized in TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) that my "Attachment Cycle" is out of whack. 

I didn't feel safe a lot growing up. I felt in the way. 

I struggle with cutting and suicidal thoughts.

Our family believed that you let the baby cry; don't swaddle it or...she...will become "spoiled."

Dammit, I just need a long hard hug sometimes. 

How do I communicate that today???

My need for a healthy touch goes deeper than just a hug...since I was introduced to sex at a young age.

My girl friend when I was younger (not even in 1st grade) made me have sex with her.

Then there were the Cosmo magazines, the porn videos we inherited...the different boyfriends we lived with...

Why couldn't we just live alone? 

Why wasn't I enough?

You see my mind automatically goes there.

Something's broken. It must be because I exist.

I am always interpertiating your body language and fluctuation in your voice. 

What am I doing wrong? I ask.

Because when a child asks if you want to play a game or color with her, it's saying "I want your company...I need your company...I need to be validated. This is how you teach me I am worthy."

No one is perfect. Every parent has their flaws. 

Growing up I never had guy friends. That's what the "popular kids" had. 

There! There it is again, I made an association between the two. 

The popular kids were cool, had the latest clothes or devices, were teacher pets, were in all the social clubs, they always smiled, they played all the sports, were in all the plays....

And there I would be standing against the cold brick wall watching. 

I didn't/don't have the energy to play their games....

They don't want me....they don't need me....

Rather, I play "my own game(s)."

I dangle in front of you my body, but then take it away from you at the second.

I will deny your compliments & shove off your comforting touch...

My "attachment style" was shaped from an avoidant, disorganized, ambivalent parent.

I don't trust myself today.

I don't look you in the eye unless for the split second I think I'm better than you.

I am often viewed as youthful or innocent...

I think that comes solely from the Holy Spirit-How I have prayed for God to help me forget the things I have seen and done!!

But then there some who say I act like a child. 

Trauma makes you stuck in the age it occurred in.

I wonder if the opposite is true too?

The best years of my life were in my youth ministries group from junior high until I was a junior in high school.

I was validated at my youth group. I became a leader. I came out of my shell. I was encouraged. I was taught I had a purpose, that I had talents, and gifts. I was loved. I had more friends than I could count....

That is where I am stuck mentally I suppose. 

And then church shit happened like it will everywhere. My youth leader's wife had sex with a student, the head pastor was controlling, and my best friend's dad who was a pastor there got unjustly fired.

My half-sister is going to be nine in October-twelve days after my twenty-fifth birthday.

I remember when Mom told me she thought she was pregnant, I was trying to take a nap on the bottom bunk of my red metal bunk bed we got from her boss's friend. I said very sternly, "You better pray to God you're not."

For the remainder of the year I was pretty angry.  

I wasn't angry because someone was going to take "my place"...I had no place...

My problem was that we were barely surviving...we always relied on my Grandma for help...how was adding another individual to the mix going to solve anything?

I certainly didn't want this baby to experience the hells I had.

In fourth grade my teacher noticed the nail marks on my skin from my mother's drunken raged grasp one night in December. They called child services.

My Grandma said, "How could you do this to your mother?"

When I was eighteen I got social services involved again because I was reporting to other adults at the church how my Mother was treating my sister.

That night, October 1st, my Grandma told me: "We think it's best if you don't live here anymore."

Why am I in the wrong for getting help?

There's the Attachment Cycle again-my need was expressed, I am in distress (I'm in the fight, flight, or freeze mode) but I am not comforted...

I am stuck.

People who don't understand or are themselves not "self-regulating" can say: "Oh just get over it. It's in the past, done and over with."

Time doesn't heal all wounds.

Nor do I believe Jesus just heals them.

He walks me through them.

Because before I would make efforts to run-away and hide...or die...

That "old self" still pops out. That is why I'll delete your phone number from time to time... 

When I am in a deep dark hole, my "autopilot" is to is to go deeper...

maybe there the walls will just cave upon me 

and then I'll have the physical embrace I've always dreamt... 

     

John 6

This folks is a tough one...a very difficult message to convey...but the more I kept putting it off the more the Holy Spirit kept saying, "Why are you ignoring me? This needs to be told."

Fact is, I am usually filled with what to say (write) & how to say it. This time is different. All I can do is sigh and continue staring at the words upon the pages of my Bible. These are heavy words, my friends...so much so that we even read in verse 66 (yes chapter 6:66) that MANY (not some or a few, but MANY) of Jesus's disciples left Him after what was just said.

So what were these words that left such a nasty taste in the people's mouths?

To answer this question, let's go a little bit further than just the beginning of the chapter 6. You see the author, John, is all about recording the extraordinary claims made by Jesus. From the very beginning of the book, John 1, Jesus is hailed already as The Word...The Living Word. Immediately following, Jesus is crowned as an equal of God-God in flesh! From John the Baptizer we hear about how Jesus is more worthy than himself; that Jesus is instead the Great Baptizer because he'll baptize us with fire/the Holy Spirit. Jesus, himself, seems to be much more outspoken & direct in the book of John. He is declaring outrageous things: that He is the Lamb of God, the Judge of the Earth, The Son of God, the Resurrection, the One God trusts, The Living Water, The Bread of Life, The Last Prophet, The one God sent to redeem His people, The True Teacher, Healer, Provider & the Forgiver of sins.-and that's all before chapter 6!!!

With these such great titles, why would anyone not want who He was &  what He offered? I read chapter 6 thinking how stupid these people were and I am humbly reminded how stupid we are today..."Oh God how I'll never understand why you love us so..."

In the beginning of chapter 6 Jesus performs the miracle of feeding the 5,000.-can we take a minute to acknowledge the little boy's lunch in which the Lord multiplied! It took just one young boy to say, "I only have this, but you can have it. I know you can do something greater with it, I believe in you to provide for these people & myself." Amazing.

It wasn't however until after all the people ate (and were FULL, mind you) that they started pondering, "ooh yeah this guy must be a prophet...yeah he's pretty cool..." I mean, I would have been flip'n out during the breaking of the 5 loaves turning into thousands!

I wrote a note by verse 14 then: Did they want Him (Jesus) for all the wrong reasons? And did that really matter to God?

I wasn't expecting to get my answer so soon. We see in verse 26-27 that God will honor those who seek Him...no matter the motive. However, He will not conform to your pattern of thinking! Remember, "My ways are higher than your ways. My thoughts are higher than your thoughts." These people wanted the physical-the (free) bread, a bright shining light from heaven type of sign; they wanted a warrior, a king. Jesus...God, saw their spiritual starvation, their spiritual depravity, the spiritual emptiness...and that's what He came to fulfill first & foremost.

And again we must ask, "Why was this so hard to accept? Why did so many leave Jesus at this point?"

It wasn't about what He could offer. It was about who He was. And about who He was that collided with who they were.

You see Jesus tells us (several times) how no one can come to the Father except through Him...and no one can come to Him unless the Father wills it. In this crowd were teachers of the Law (the Pharisees/religious leaders) whom clearly weren't with the Father. Can you imagine their reaction? "How can you say what I have been doing for the majority of my life doesn't make me right with God?"

We reflect upon Ephesians 2.

Then Jesus, to most of the crowd, starts sounding like He wants us to be cannibals: "You must eat my flesh & drink my blood..." What the heck, right?!

Jesus reminds me of a friend of mine who repeatedly says to me, "THINK! THINK!"

Who Jesus is, is what we need to live. He is the only thing we need spiritually.

But accepting these words as Truth, as Jesus once said to the rich young ruler, is harder than a camal going through the eye of a needle.

Previously I had also written this in my Bibles margin next to verses 43-46: God is so good that He leads us to Jesus (which I note is the physical representation of Himself) so that we can have a relationship with Himself/God.

"While we were still sinners Christ died for us."-Romans

"I came to seek & find the lost."-Jesus

"God patiently waits for all to come to repentance."-Paul

So what do you think?
Where do you have the most conflict with & why?
What outrageous claims from Jesus collide with who you are & where you stand in relationship with Him?
What are seeking these days & is it fulfilling your spiritual cravings?

My memory verse of late:
"Simon Peter answered, "Lord, who will we go to? You have the words of eternal life." -verse 68

Vertical Lessons

The more I want to teach, the more I see my need to learn.
The things I want to tell you are the very things I need to hear.
I'm called to be a missionary, but I'm set in one place & told to be still.
I long for their eyes to see, when my eyes are still filled with logs.
I say I give my heart for free, but these chains force a toll.
My heart is on my sleeve and you see the blood rushing down my arm.
I can't do this-I hear my spirit cry
Yet, everyone is cheering for me to finish this race...
This race to which there are no flags.
The more I preach, the more I feel my need to forgive.
My mouth proclaims the Word, but my body screams a sonnet.
My head knows I'm already fulfilled, but my heart thinks that is a lie.
So I read the words of Solomon & cry.
The more I live, the more I don't want to.
Everyone is asking for something,
I'm just asking for you.

You & Your's

Cover my soul with what falls from the sky/my emotions are like the weather/so lay me down in a bed of ink/so then I can remember who I am & where I've been/....no more

To where can I run from these sorrows?/to have your love is to be used/I'm being used/I'm being used/...so you sing

Let's go to the river and drown in the shallow end/you'll hold me under & I'll laugh like I've always been/your soul is captivated by what lies under the chin/I'm running out of lines/running out of lies/running out of the line

To where can I run from these sorrows?/to have your love is to be used/I'm being used/I'm being used/...so you play

Soft...soft but never gentle/behind every joke stands the matter/it's translated & flipped/swings cause bruises/this is what happened when I kissed those lips

Tonight, Tonight

My cat, QI (pronounced "chē") & I are so alike. He'll cry for my attention, but as soon as I go to pet him he runs a little further out of my reach. It's not until I pick him up & he's snuggled either in my arms or on my bed with me is he satisfied.

We are all like that. We all want attention. We all want someone or something (we look up to) to grasp us & satisfy that emptiness... that loneliness...that sorrow.

It's in these moments that I have of desperation that I can do one of three things:

1) I can cry in my car like I usually do, crank up some more "emo" music or music about being with someone-which makes me jealous & depressed.

2) Reach out to the wrong crowd-those meaning the people (mainly some guy) to give me a "quick fix"

Or

3) Reach out to the right crowd-those being my brothers & sisters in Christ; as well as God, Himself.

Psalm 139 is such a beautiful reminder of not only does God see you, but He holds you! You are and can never stray too far away from His arms of mercy & grace! He's got what you need. Take time now to read this message in the Word & let it soak in...inspire you...rejuvenate you & be your comfort.

Isaiah 55 is also a good starting point in remembering God knows your needs & wants. Not only does He know them, but He created them! Not only did He create them, but He wants to be the answer to all of them! He's got you! You're covered...if you just press a little more into Him...o my soul...press into Him.

After QI & I have embraced, he's good to go. He knows I understood him & I met him where he was at...even if I had to do a little chasing around!

You know Jesus had met you where you were/are at. He did so by coming to earth to die for our sins & rise from the dead on the third day.

Yah, you're THAT big of a deal to Him!

So what will be the paths you take when you feel like crawling into a hole to die?-being over dramatic here, I know

"He satisfies you with goodness, your youth is renewed like the eagle."
-Psalm 103:5

Do You Care About My Wants, Lord?

"Take delight in the Lord,

    and He will give you the desires of your heart."

-Psalm 37:4

As a young believer, I was told that this verse is not to be taken as, "oh if I do all of these 'religious things,' then I will get what I really want" -as if this was some type of: "If I scratch your back, you'll scratch mine" deal. 

Rather this passage was to be taken as, "When you learn to take delight in the Lord-like true delight, you know like that same delight you have for that crush, you will soon see that the desires of your heart is the Lord...what you want is what the Lord wants." 

So it becomes more of "I lay down what I want not because I know later you'll give them back to me, but because I don't need them...in fact, I don't want them...not as much as I want you, Lord."

So if this is true, does God not care about our wants at all?

Sure, He gives us what we need...and sometimes even then, what we say is a "need" He has a greater answer in store.

As I say this, we must keep in mind that ONLY good things come from the Father. James 1: 16-17

But back to our "wants" for the time being...

in most realms people would say "needs" trump "wants." Can we agree? Water trumps that new cell phone. Shelter trumps that gucci purse. Love trumps....

That, that is where the issue comes in. If you have read my past blog post Love you would know that I have discussed this before. 

But for a minute, let's think like the rest of world and just categorize love as sex-physical intimacy. 

Sex is a need. It is used for procreation. 

God from the very beginning said "Go, be fruitful and multiply..." (Genesis 1: 28).

God created sex for that reason.

But sex is also a want. 

And to too many of us...a very, very strong want.

And God created wants, didn't He?

Thus, sex is more than just used for procreation. He must have made it more beautiful than that. 

I don't believe that God would create something just for one reason. We are too much of a multifaceted/multifunctional/multipurposal creation-I believe that is also connected to "being the images of God."

It is here from this "rub" that we find our conflict. "God, I have these desires...that you created...but I have no need to procreate...I have no want to create...I just want the pleasure....What I do I do?"

Well, first let's look at our context in scripture:

 "Trust in the Lord and do good;

    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture."-verse 3

"Commit your way to the Lord;

    trust in him and He will do this..."-verse 4

1.  You trust....trust like Abraham did when God said to sacrifice His only son and when he was about to strike Isaac upon the altar, God provided a lamb. Genesis 22: 1-14
2.  You take delight...take delight like Mary did in the things she did not understand where unfolding before her. Luke 2: 19
3.  You commit...commit like Peter did even when he failed, he got back up to accomplish the task set before him. Luke 22: 54-62

What does this have to do with you wanting sex or anything for that matter? 

You trust that God's ways are above your own-not only are they best because He says so, but because His ways help you in the end-Isaiah 55. 

You take delight in what God has already blessed you with and who He is-Psalm 1. 

You commit all of who you are to Him, for this is your true act of worship-Romans 12: 1-2

Sometimes this may require, however, using your rational (brain) over your heart....your emotions...those that which justify our wants too much.

Why, because once we surrender to God our desires we realize that with our wants-especially, in regards to sex, there is proper time and place for it/them.

 Jeremiah 17:9

"The heart is deceitful above all things

    and beyond cure.

    Who can understand it?"

As a believer, it is our heart we still wrestle with...our core...for our core is us...still broken individuals. Yes, we have wants. Yes, God created those wants. But our nature says "I want it now!" It actually puts up a fight, like a raging toddler and screams: "GIVE IT TO ME!" This is what Paul is hinting at in Romans 7: 14-25 , but what he says we must put away  1 Corinthians 13:11-12. 

Ours minds, however, which as believers are being renewed through the Holy Spirit as we seek our Father daily and allow His love to embrace us in return, are going to think with this new found wisdom. This wisdom which we find in the Word says begins with "fearing the Lord." Proverbs 9:10

We must train ourselves in this way:

2 Corinthians 10: 5

"We demolish arguments and every pretension 

that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, 

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

James 4:10

"Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

Hebrews 6:10

"God is not unjust; 

He will not forget your work and the love you have shown Him 

as you have helped his people and continue to help them."

James 1:5-6

"If any of you lacks wisdom, 

you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, 

and it will be given to you.

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. 

He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet

no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Song of Songs 8:4

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:

    Do not arouse or awaken love

    until it so desires."

God knows everything about you Psalm 139....He created you and loves you. He knows what you need and what you want. He wants you to trust Him...to keep seeking Him. 

He will bless you with those wants in His timing and they will be great!!!

Remedy

As she picks up that silver blade once again,
These words ring in her frazzled head-
Not the ones of regret,
Not the ones of shame,
Her past doesn't call her name.
Rather it's her Beloved,
The One there from the very start,
The One always mending her aching heart.

The Spirit says:
"I know your pain-
I can take it,
I can take it.
I feel your sorrow-
Let me take it,
Let me take it.
I hear your cries-
I will take them,
I will take them."

She puts the razor away.
A cut doesn't change a thing.
This blood can't wash the
scarlet stain.
She hurts, but is held-
He calls her "treasured."
She weeps but is healed-
He calls her "redeemed."
Walking through her yesterdays,

Falling into this familiar warm embrace,
Clinging to a future
without disgrace
She sings:
"You can take it
You can take it."

Luke 20

Luke 20: 1-26

Moving backwards, we can find ourselves asking: "What is God's?"

In the parable Jesus points out a vineyard. Do you recall other times Jesus spoke about a vineyard? John 15: 1-17-only in this parable Jesus points out that we (the people, the world, followers/disciples & all) are the branches and He is the "True Vine."

Jesus says in our context in Luke, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and God, what is God's." Who is Jesus addressing? =The scribes and chief priests...the head honchos of the religious world in their culture/city.

The religious leaders were trying to trip Jesus up, catch Him saying something wrong. Instead, like always, Jesus was one step ahead of them per say.

"Whose image is on here?" Jesus asks those "pretending to be righteous" in response to their question about paying taxes.

I see everything flowing together here. You see, the political leaders had control of the people's money, but the religious people had "control" of the people's spirituality. Jesus saw and called out this corruption before he said a word about the government.

"Give God back His people." Jesus seems to say. Look again at the parable. The man who planted represents God. The tenant farmers=the spiritual leaders. The slaves sent to collect the harvest=the Old Testament prophets. The son=Jesus.

Going back to the rulers, Jesus doesn't say we shouldn't serve them. This is again emphasized later in the New Testament-Romans 13: 1-7

But should we serve those who go against God's laws regardless of the fact that God has allowed them to come into power?

Remember the story of Daniel?-Daniel chapter 1 and chapter 6

When is it right to obey and disobey our government? Is this even a question we should ask, why or why not?

Jesus's approach and mentality seems to portray the same as Moses in the movie Prince of Egypt (1998) :

 "Yes...it's true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: your faith. Believe, for we will see God's wonders."

What is eternal then? We are. What exactly about us is eternal? Our soul. What percisiously is our soul? It's what make you, you; it's what is on the inside...This is what God desires. The rulers of this world will try their best to take it away from us, but again scripture holds your answer: Eph. 6:12 and Luke 12:4 -while we look back at the previous chapters in Luke, do you remember the parable of the 10 minas? Luke 19: 11-27 It's a brutal one in the end, but again the main point is giving back to the Master/King what they asked for.

If you are in a religious leadership position, may you know that they people you "shepard" are not your "flock"-they are the Lord's. Give back to God what is God's. 

If you are not in a leadership position, may you know that you still have an important job to accomplish. Multiply="Go and make disciples, baptising them of every nation in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit...and love as I have loved, for they will know you are mine by your actions."-Jesus

This is how we obtain heaven on earth. The very thing you pray for religiously, "the Lord's Prayer":

"Our Father, who are in heaven.

Hallowed by your name.

Your kingdom come,

your will be done-

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread

and forgive our tresspasses

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory

forever and ever. Amen." 

The government was suppose to help the people do God's will (when we look back into why the Hebrews wanted leaders in the Old Testament), but God knew that these leaders would only focus on the outward/physical things concerning man and not the internal/spiritual-where the real work needed to take place.

Why allow them then? Can our actions ever transform our hearts? Can the hands ever move first before the brain?

All in all, we can find ourselves asking again: does the end justify the means? Does some good (speaking still of having government) outweigh all the bad?

I don't have the answers, but I'm looking. That's where many people fail. They say, "I don't know." and then never seek.

The same can be said to my next question. How many times have you heard or thought in some way, shape, or form this: Does the Father's will become changed or "tainted" by His love for His children?

You have heard or seen stories where although love is great, it seems to be blind. Does God's love for us trump His righteousness? Some could say that love is really a weakness. Think about it. How would you describe love? To me, it is a giving of one's self to another for their greater good. Hadn't God done that? 

However, let's refresh our theology for a minute. Yes, our God is love...but He is not love as we have come to understand love. His love empowers. His love is infinite and unyielding. He can give and give and give, but His "well" will never run dry. He wants you, yes. He doesn't need to you though. Yet, this distinction doesn't diminish His desire for you. That desire is more for our fulfillment than His, but it is all for His glory.

Main jest, God loves us. God love you. And we were created to love; many of the scripture I shared with you elluded to that.

If we look back at our tenant farmers (who remember, are representing the religious leaders), what could we say they were motivated by? They chose to fight and kill...hmmm possibly a reflection of they have been taught by the government? Either way...could we truly say they were motivated by love? Or would fear be more accurate? Fear of perhaps not having enough to themselves? Fear that the Farmer would cheat them? Fear that the Farmer would really see that they weren't "the best of the best" and thus, would take away their share?

Fear seems to be cover up...a cover up for what's really going on in the inside. A cover up similar to Adam and Eve's "fashioned leaves to hide their nakedness." A curious thought, huh?

If only they would have acknowledged the Farmer's great generosity in putting them in the garden...I mean vineyard in the first place....If only we...I mean they...would have recognized the fulfillment they already had in the Farmer's care....how He not only provided them with a job, but a mission...not just a mission, but a purpose...still not just a purpose, but a calling...an identity. 

Instead the people let their doubts trump their faith when they in their hearts rationalized within their own wisdom: "Why should we toil over serving others...why should we toil in serving someone we don't even see...why should we toil at all?...There is no ruler...There is no God...we are alone in this...We should take over all of this...we will be our own gods."

It's amazing to me how we can ask and rationalize towards this deep, dark hole but still God gave his only begotten son to come and die for our sins. 

"...teach truthfully the way of God..." said the spies in our reading. 

Truthfully, we suck. But in God's great mercy for us, while we were still sinners, He came to make us righteous through Jesus's resurrection.

"..stop speaking in parables..." they said. 

But could they...can we handle the truth? The truth being that it is only through grace you have been saved, not but works and that nothing in heaven or hell, things present nor things to come can ever separate you from the love of God? 

Where does this all leave me???

I can't help but keep coming back to, "Give God what is God's."

It's not just about my service...my "religious duties"...although faith without works is dead. James 2: 14-26

Instead, like I have "preached" from the beginning....it's an internal thing...it's all about my heart & mind.

"Love the Lord your God

with all your

heart,

soul,

mind,

and strength." 

I don't know about you, but I am a worker...and I am ready for the harvest. Not only that, but I will produce fruit for my King.

You Got Me Like...

Swimming

I'm going to do something I don't usually do on my blog and that is focus primarily on one verse. I don't or I try not to do that because you the reader are not getting the full story or context; and when that happens, like too many speakers/preachers do, the Truth is too many times distorted.

However, pulling out one verse from your reading and really chewing on it...meditating on it...dissecting it is highly encouraged-especially if you are young in the faith.

What do I mean when I say "young in the faith?" If you are a new believer, struggle with reading the Holy Bible, or just checking what Christianity is all about, then this post is for you!

So the one verse that we will be looking at together is from the epistle (letter) to the church in Ephesians written by Paul. Paul wrote most of what we call the New Testament and you can find his testimony (story) in the book of Acts. If you want to learn more about the church of Ephesus follow the link. Yes, it's Wikipedia-there's pros and cons. If you are not that interested in the "in depth" history click here for Bible Gateway's synopsis.

Back to our verse then-chapter 2 verse 5 of Ephesians:

New International Version (NIV)

(God)"...made us alive with Christ 

even when we were dead in transgressions

—it is by grace you have been saved."

Just to get even more of a feel, let's look at it in a few different translations:

New Living Translation (NLT)

"that even though we were dead because of our sins, 

he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. 

(It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)"

New Life Version (NLV)

"Even when we were dead because of our sins, 

He made us alive by what Christ did for us. 

You have been saved from the punishment of sin by His loving-favor."

New King James Version (NKJV)

"even when we were dead in trespasses, 

made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved),"

Regardless of how you say it I don't want miss the jest. Three characters are at work here. Who are they? God, Jesus, and you. Who is doing what? God-making, Jesus (the Christ)-resurrecting, and you...what about you?

Why? Why are these things going on? The verse answers that as well.

I personally have the Apologetics Study Bible, which similar to our others read as such:

"...made us alive with the Messiah 

even though we were dead in trespasses.

By grace you are saved!"   

Next, what I like to do is highlight, circle, and underline the hot or key words. What are they? Mine were="alive, Messiah, dead, trespasses, grace, saved." They might be different for you and that's okay! It is what we do with these chosen words that I believe matter. This would be a good time to pull up or out a dictionary. Yeah, we get'n all Bible Study up in hur!

From the marks I made around, over, or under these words I then draw an arrow to my notes about them. Obviously, do whatever flows with your own unique style! 

Thus, the arrow next to "alive" I noted "life to its fullest" because I know from reading the Scripture (and experience) that there is a difference between living and the life God has for us. You see, you were made for so much more...you were meant to live for so much more....if only we lost ourselves (Switchfoot reference). 

"Messiah"-this is another word for the "the awaited one," the "one sent from God," the "one that would rescue" the Jews from their oppression. Funny though, the one they expected was nothing like they dreamt, but He was exactly what they...and the world needed!

"trespasses"-we have crossed the line drawn by God. We saw, read, and understood that sign that said "do not cross" but we did it anyway. What was that line? The Ten Commandments is a good starting point.

"grace...saved"-this, this is our anchor

From doing this type of technique with the Word, I have found that it then paints a much grander picture of our God than just some words on a page. Did you get that too?

The imagery that comes to my mind then from this ONE verse, is that God is our Lifeguard.

image from http://usamanagement.com/lifeguard-companies/

He, like this Lifeguard, is protecting us from the dangers we may put ourselves in. He doesn't stop us from getting in the water-no, it was created for our enjoyment! But like the entices of the world, sometimes those things we do can cause harm...even death. God doesn't want that! So there are rules, of course-but only ones to make sure you are safe! Not trip you up! He's watching carefully, intently, because He cares for you!

But...you probably already know this.

So I want to take you deeper. I want you to know more about this God in the Holy Bible...for He is not JUST our Lifeguard. He is so much more.

He's in the pool with you. He's playing "Marco Polo", splashing you as you splash back. He's there racing you to the other end. laughing along with prunny fingers! He's there directing who goes down the slide next, who climbs on who for a game of "Chicken." He's the one giving out more pool toys, making sure you have a towel to dry off with, and sunblock so you don't get burned. He's so much more than you can imagine!

Now, I want to take a moment here and make the distinction between the God of the Bible and the gods of other religions.

You see our God is Good itself; He brings only what is good. Yet, the material things you receive He is not. He is not your house, your sweater, or that five course meal. He is not made of wood, plaster, or steal. Continuing with our pool analogy, God is not the water, the floaty, or goggles. He can work through those things He has blessed you with, but He is a separate entity.

So how do you have a relationship with a God like this then?

A God who not only has given you everything in life itself, but while you didn't deserve (or at the moment want) it, God sent His only son Jesus to die for you. Jesus then, did not just take the punishment for you & I's sin, but He came back to life. That power and freedom over the drowning is yours today when you put your trust in Him...the one we call our Lifeguard...the one who came into the pool with us.

How does this view of God contrast with your original thoughts?

How can this expansion on who God is help you with your relationship with Him?

What about our one verse challenges you to live differently today?

Share your thoughts below; I'd love to hear them!