My sanity: some
I recognize learning
I grasp relatively
I bask in a temporary thing
This moment I'm alive
Tomorrow or tonight I might die
Maturity takes time
Live in the now
My greatest desire: love
My greatest failure: Myself
Relax these muscles
Forget mistakes
Anger target: this brain
Escaping is my middle name
Chasing my own tail
Screaming melodies
Dancing without company
-(random poem constructed while riding the train to work, 2023)
I've recently been assigned to a new therapist
since my last one didn't specialize in trauma.
As our first session wraps up she asks
if I've ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder.
She believes I resemble a lot of the symptoms.
My friends and I disagree;
hell, we even know people with BPD.
I'm nothing like them.
But I do research anyway.
I read and watch videos anyway.
I learn that BPD has four subgroups.
And I relate heavily with
Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.
For the majority of my life, I have considered myself to be a Christian. I was so "Christian" that I wouldn't say I was Christian; I would say: "I'm a Christ-Follower."
Raised in a Lutheran church from womb to junior high and basically evangelism from the age of twelve to twenty-nine.
Jesus was my everything.
I have scars to prove it.
Although BPD would not be officially diagnosed to someone below the age of eighteen, that does not rule out the presence of these cycles. Both genetics and environment contribute.
My home life as a child was chaotic.
I have little doubt
that the alcoholism, explosive anger, and string of relationships
weren't symptoms of my Mom suffering from it as well.
BPD is common
and largely misunderstood.
No two people with BPD will be alike,
but share:
emotional irregularities
fear of abandonment,
patterns of unstable relationships,
rapid changes in self-identity,
feeling of emptiness
long periods of paranoia,
and harmful behavior.
As I have gotten older and $54,000 in seminary debt, I have come to understand why psychologically I wanted/needed Christianity. I longed for stability...for a father figure...for unconditional love...for a constant friend. I was a contemporary, radical Christian bred in the Midwest. Jesus wasn't just packaged and sold to me before I could spell commodity, but worse, convinced me that this relationship (not religion) was the "true reality" before I could understand what cults were.
Before and during the period in my life when I clung to my duct-tapped Bible, I suffered from depression and anxiety. Before I got sucked into and perpetuated the Evangelical Christian Purity Culture, I "punished" myself for masturbating. To be fair, I was surrounded by remnants of the Puritans-W.A.S.Ps (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants). I was given the internal message that I wasn't good enough long before a Pastor hosted an alter-call. Hair pulling transformed into pinching and biting my own skin during some of my more intense emotional states.
Symptoms of high-functioning
or quiet BPD are:
having those intense mode swings internally,
suppressing the anger,
self-harm
withdrawing when upset,
cutting people off,
blaming self in conflicts,
persistent feelings of guilt and shame,
feeling like a burden to others,
people-pleasing,
social anxiety
I see how my personality disorder has been both helped and hindered through my now ex-faith.
God saw me and loved me to the core
and at my core, I was like a
"a used tampon" (Is.64:6)
because of my sins.
SELF HATE
I have the Holy Spirit inside of me
guiding and teaching me
but I dare not grieve it
or put out its flame!
Inside me there is always a battle,
my evil (selfish) nature
and this nature they say God desires.
UNSTABLE IDENTITY
Why would someone take the punishment I deserved?
Jesus did nothing wrong; I'm the one who sinned
So I hurt myself.
I hurt myself time and time again.
If only a little bit could give me a taste of what He did,
what I deserved.
SELF HARM
How does someone share their
heart with another human
when no one else will ever love them
like our Heavenly Father?
How does one share their body in a holy manner
outside of marriage?
CUTTING PEOPLE OFF
UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS
God was my refuge,
my "all in all" (cue hand motions).
No one knew me like He did
and no one ever would.
WITHDRAWAL
I was 'blessed and called'
to be missionary
-I heard God's voice many, many, many times!
My family, my town, my country
had gotten Christianity wrong
(according to my new branch)
I was here to serve. Period.
PEOPLE PLEASER
"To bear a ring of power is to be alone.
This task was appointed to you.
And if you do not find a way, no one will.”
-(Galadriel, LOTR)
God had appointed me.
And I had to give the world what they needed.
SHAME & GUILT
SOCIAL ANXIETY
These superstitions that I called doctrine were so snuggly wrapped around me that I lost sight of me...did I ever have a me to begin with?...what is me now?
These are just small and broad ways my BPD showed up through the years. I will paint a much fuller picture with the hopes of publishing my memoir called, I'll Soak in the Sun Through The Cement: leaving a small city mindset & religious background
I will work through and come out of Borderline Personality Disorder a healthier person just like I did leaving Christianity.
Thanks for listening.
If you feel like you would like to learn more about BPD, here are some of the links I used:
I would love to hear about your journey with self-discovery and healing, especially if you've left the church. Blessings, my fellow humans.
