Unconditional Positive Regard

I am worthy.

I am loved.

I am to be sought after.

I am respectable.

I am caring.

I am gentle.

I am passionate.

I am beautiful.

I am worthy.

I am brave.

I am smart.

I am wise.

I am worthy.

I am talented.

I am strong.

I am able.

I am worthy.

I am compassionate.

I am chosen.

I am lifted high.

I am praised.

I am a treasure.

I am worthy.

I am priceless.

I am unique.

I am a hard worker.

I am sincere.

I am worthy.

It may be because I am prideful, self-coincided, or simply don't care but I hate it when people use their blogposts as an outlet for journaling. So, whenever I post I try to relate it back to the audience. I either do this by (yes, sharing my own journey but with) questions directed to you-how would you handle such & such, what does such & such mean to you and so on. I HIGHLY encourage feedback...which I haven't gotten much of...it doesn't stop me from writing but still...I am looking for a conversation here, people!

So go back now and re-read those "I am's". As well as, make your own list.

So I have been hearing a lot about this "Unconditional Positive Regard".

It is probably because I'm a Human Services Major...

Do you know what this word means?

"term popularly believed to have been coined by the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers (see notes below), is basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does."

-taken from Bing/Wikipedia

Mostly we hear this word in regards to how we treat others.

But, what if we applied to ourselves?

(Hmm...I suppose that would be called "high self-esteem" wouldn't it?

Or would it?)

What thoughts do you have towards yourself and why?

A lot of times I have negative thoughts towards my self...

especially lately.

My thoughts can range from:

they don't like me to I wish I didn't have to be here anymore.

How do you combat or deal with your thoughts towards yourself?

I am not one, if you haven't figured already,

to say that the answer lies within one's self.

{clarification: I do not believe we can be healed, completed,

content, justified within ourselves...I do believe that there is something in us

that can in ways direct us to the real answer...

which in Jesus.}

Before, anyone taps out

let me share a quote from a well-known therapist

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

― Virginia Satir

This is a very Humanistic approach of one's self.

and whether I agree with this or not, I would like to ask:

When is the last time you gave yourself a self-talk?

What did you say?

When is the last time you really appreciated who you were?

What keeps you from having Unconditional Positive Regard?

When is the last time you said,

"I AM WORTHY"?

So that part of me keeping me from the True Answer,

the True Solution...

is the part which speaks who I am.

I haven't gone to church in a long time,

but one of my lovely friend's told me to look a particular online sermon.

I would like to share it with you now.

The Crossing-The Genesis of One by Greg Holder

Then take the time to contemplate some of these thoughts,

for they are what came to my mind:

How much does God really care about me?

Would Jesus have died just for me?

What does my life mean to God, the Father?

How do I view, God the Father? Why?

How do I approach God, the Father?

If this is The Truth...if this is The Way...what am I doing with MY life?

....What are you doing with your life?....

I don't know about you,

but I'm tired...

I'm tired of living life unsatisfied.

And a HUGE part of that is being unsatisfied with myself.

LARGER, than that is being dissatisfied with my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Are you?

I'm sick of feeling alone.

I'm tired of not being happy, unfulfilled.

I'm done with telling myself "I can't".

I'm done with punishing myself because I think I'm not worthy.

I'm done thinking that I'm the only one who feels this way.

I'm tired of thinking that I'm better off dead than living life with those who do love me.

I'm sick of coping out.

I'm done giving in to the easy road.

Life part one

     The BIG Question & Many Little Answers   

Have you felt like Chance in the movie Homeward Bound stuck in that huge muddy ditch and not having enough energy or confidence to crawl out? How about Rose from Titanic when she says, "Outwardly, I was everything a well-brought up girl should be. Inside, I was screaming."

To say just so matter of factly that I have felt this way would be an understatement.

Just now I was texting my friend and like any friend does they asked, "How are you?" What do I do? Well, nothing other than what everybody else does-type "I'm fine." Maybe add a smiley face so they don't ask anymore questions...except my stupid finger always hits the ( sign instead of the ) and although I truly feel that way :(...I send :)

Depression according to the Oxford Dictionary is expressed as such:

depression

[ diˈpreSHən ]

noun

1.       severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

•        a condition of mental disturbance characterized by depression to a greater degree than seems warranted by the external circumstances, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life:

"clinical depression"

synonyms: unhappiness • sadness • melancholy • melancholia

2.       The sun awakes the earth. It's a brand new day. Breathtaking hues of light pink and blue cascade over the city...you can't picture anything more peaceful than the empty streets and the fresh crisp air blowing trough your hair. You feel the stillness, the awe, the....the...shit your late for work! You also forgot to read the fifty page assignment last night! Not to mention that quiz that you'll have to take later that day for that class you hate!

•        Can you have peace longer than a moment?

•        Does something steal away your happiness?

•        Has the pressures of life become like a collapsing wall on all sides instead of a wide open field full of adventures, curiosity, and various pleasures?

For quite a while life has been more like...that "beautiful hated" thing more than that which I am grateful for. For quite a while I've felt like the character JJ in the movie A Long Way Down (check out the movie trailer-it's basically a movie about four individuals who want to commit suicide)...there's this powerful scene where JJ is sooooo ticked and overwhelmed that he just dives into the ocean and swims and swims and swims and swims. You know you what he's feeling and thinking...how he just wants to give up...give up on this thing called life. He comes to a stopping point but it's in the middle of no where. The water is plenty high and overwhelming. He just bobs there, letting the ocean press over his whole body.

3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

7 The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

-1 Kings 19:3-9

It's not that beauty has escaped the earth. It's not that there is is no love. Some laughter and smiles still linger. The warmth of your touch is still accelerating. These gifts of music, scarves, ink, books are eye catching.

Then what's wrong?

The beauty will always come to an end. Love is disappointing. While we laugh, someone out there weeps. You can't always be there for me. These material goods end up in a landfill and the brain in a six-foot ditch.

28 After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

2 There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3 His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. 4 The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”

8 So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9 Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10 Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

-Matthew 28:1-10

•        Is there always an end to great and good things?

•        Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Or is it really just a train?

•        How do you manage stress, pain, anxiety, confusion?

We all know those fundamental questions of life: Why am I here? What is my purposes? What is the point? is just some of those in a more simplistic phrase. If we all have to face such crucial questions and their relations to our survival, why do people get mad when we continue to ask them? Is it because they too are asking them but don't want any one to know? Are they afraid that their answers are wrong? Or are they just uncomfortable with the nature of your questions?

For those who don't know me, yesterday was my birthday. It was a fine day. I mainly did what I would normally do-play my numerous roles...that being a student, an employee at JoAnn Fabrics, a daughter, a friend...

Have you seen the new logo for To Write Love On Her Arms? It's "No One Can Play Your Part." I have just a little issue with that....because all I see are my roles...these roles like in a play...what a "grand" play.

 And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for theLord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

15 The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16 Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17 Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18 Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”

-1 Kings 19:9-18

Often times I portray my walk with God through an artistic manner. The image always features a path, Jesus, and me. I typically draw it in a manner of a father daughter relationship. The body positions and atmosphere are also very symbolic to what's going on internally in regards to my walk with God. Right now that image is more like

I do believe that God knows exactly how I am feeling, the thoughts I've been having and what's the reason behind them. I just don't want to be here anymore and like a someone absolutely fed up with everything, "I'm done."

As a Christian and having a community of believers around me, I am apt to getting the responses of "you're here to serve God, give God the glory, share His love" to such philosophical questions. 

I don't disagree.

It just hasn't pulled me out of that whole I'm in with Chance or from jumping off the Titanic with Rose.

God and I have been talking (...here and there....when I listen...when I take time to listen)

He brings me to scriptures like

 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

-Ephesians 2:10

And I am slightly reminded who I am to Him: special.

A lot of people say "You're going to do great things. God has something special for you. He's got big plans for you." This in turn correlates to numerous scriptures like

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

 and

Psalm 139

But then I think, if I am sooo special God, why I can't I just be with you in person? If you cherish me so much God, why can't we be together? And He said, "You can be with me now...on earth as it is in heaven. But you choose not."

I then think, why do I have to be here? If I don't want to be here anymore, why can't I go? Everyone says (including me at times) it is the most selfish thing to do. But isn't it selfish of you for keeping me here against my will? He reminds me of my free will and no one is forcing me to do anything. But the Spirit He has put in me mourns and places me in His shoes...how could a most beloved creation deny everything it's been given?

I then think, but what is Earth in comparison to eternity? What sights and gains on Earth could ever compare to what's in heaven? And He says, you're right. But He reminds me that although He doesn't need me to be here...He wants me here. Then the spirit within me stirs at such a word "want".

Want. He wants me. All of me.

"...the Adulterous Wife"

To be continued...

Tainted Thoughts

I am not sure how to go about this, not quite sure what to write...or why I'm writing...all I know is that I want to, need to say something.

For the past couple of weeks I've been experiencing anxiety, extreme loneliness, anger, and suicidal thoughts....today a new one actually occurred-running away. Why? I'm not 100% positive why, other than I'm just fed up with everything....and my answers to some of life's deepest questions aren't satisfying me anymore.

For those who really know me, these things are not entirely new....and neither is the fact that I often cause my own pain. You know I had a friend comment on my tattoos the other day saying the reason I got them is because I still live in shame. I wanted to shrug them off, but I thought about it a lil more. Yes, yes...I do continue to live in shame. I recall as the needle inserted itself in to my skin for my first tattoo I thought, "yes, I deserve this...all of this...I deserve this pain...the pain I'm too scared to fully inflict upon myself."

Do you ever have those moments where you feel so utterly alone that it seems like a weight is sitting on your chest? Can you feel the ach, the hopelessness, the sadness? I never did/do really like the word, "sad" but I don't know what other word to use. I'm just...sad. No matter what I say, here I am sitting in my car crying my eyes out but whipping them off before you see me.

My problem...one of my many problems...is thinking that I am a problem. I don't alert people that I feel this way because I feel like they're too busy for me, I don't tell them how I really feel about their company because I'm afraid that I won't have those same emotions in return, and then when they do share their love for me I know I'll disappoint them some way some how.

I complicated. I'm a girl. But I'm human, like you.

I've thought these couple of weeks, "it's okay for me to say good bye but you have to remain." How does that make sense? Tainted thoughts.

How is my premature death less significant as yours would be? I don't know! I just don't think I'm that important! And truth is if I compliment the butt load out of you it's probably because I feel like poop about myself!

Where did that come from?

I have plenty of friends and family who love me, I have a good job, I have things working out for me....

But what about those...who...don't...?

Why is it I have and they don't? So I can give? Well, I don't have enough to give to give to the whole dang world! I've also thought recently, "what if living is the hell?" Like does the good things in life really outweigh the bad? Really? My friend reminded me that life is no where near Hell. I knew/know this. Hell...that is a place with out God.

A place without God. Have you been there? Have you felt like you have? Maybe it was your fault? I know 99.99% of the time it's my fault...no I guess it's really 100% my fault; God is always with us rather we want Him or not. 

I've been told...I know He can satisfy EVERYTHING-all our needs and wants, He is what we truly desire, that EVERLASTING peace...love...joy...

Then why don't I feel it? Why don't I feel you here, God? Like conversations with my very intelligent friend I am reminded that feelings don't trump facts.

Fact is: God loves me.

Fact is: I love somebody/something else

Fact is: God, you've never left me

Fact is: I'd rather be somewhere else

Fact is: You always forgive

Fact is: I apologize for the same thing over and over again

I wouldn't commit suicide. But it doesn't mean that I really want to be here either. "Why can't I be with you Father?! In heaven!?" And He's over here like, "Why aren't you with me now? On Earth?" 

Another dear friend of mine had said that life gets all whacko when she is not fulfilling her purpose. What is my purpose, O God? To tell of your great love? Then again, if I do not do the job, won't you send someone else to do it?

I don't get the how's and why's. I don't get a lot of things....like why I continue to watch Criminal Minds when I'm home all alone...at night...

Is helping just one person worth it? Am I here because/for them? Am I worth it? 

Life, a beautiful hated thing. Creating memories, regretting the choices, laughing years later, shaking from the pain, while leaping up for joy at a miracle and fighting back the anger.

What is the point? To work till our hand grow tired and weak, earn enough cash to eat and try to find a mate so the cycle can continue? Oh and I almost forgot earning a degree somewhere along there!

It's like lifting a 20 lbs. six foot shelf trying to balance slippery ribbons and trims, tripping on one strand and busting your nose on the concrete. 

I know this is not one of my chipper blogs...it's more like one of my journal entries...all tangled up with thoughts, questions, more questions, more thoughts, and not always a conclusion. But as the wisdom in my heart once warned others, I also must take heed myself: withdrawing in one's self is NOT taking refugee, it's self- destruction.

If you are having suicidal thoughts today I encourage you to please consider taking the time to contemplate hope for another second-hope found in the midst of the pain. I have listed below a couple of websites that will be of assistance to that road:

 http://www.afsp.org/

 http://contactcrisisline.org/ 

http://twloha.com/

Oh and then after checking out those, I dare you to do that silly Facebook challenge of posting five pictures that make you feel beautiful but then also what you love about your self next to each one. 

Some might find this a lil self-centered...but what is more self-centered posting five pictures that boost your self esteem or the five seconds* it takes to take your last breath leaving all those who do truly care about you devastated?

click & listen:(There'll Be) Peace In The Valley - Thomas A. Dorsey with R.H. Harris

.......this is hard.....I want to list things that I've been given and not things that which I am. Like I love that I am loved or I am forgiven or that I am free. But who am I that God loves, forgives, and frees me? I am not evil. I  am not just broken. I am His Creation. I am Samantha..."The One Who Listens"

So who am I, that which I love? I love...wow, what a heavy word...I love that I am sincere. (I read that was what my name meant somewhere, so it must be true)I love that I can look good in red lipstick because I love the color red...hahah okay I guess that one doesn't really count.

I love that I can, with God's help & mercy, love those who hurt me...like this pain in the butt dog I'm holding... I love that I can share what I've been through to help others in the same boat.

  

"Are You Going To Pay For That?"

It's a typical morning at your retail job. The rest of your coworkers are preforming their day in and day out routines-greet the customer, ask if they need assistance, and direct them to purchasing AT LEAST something. You are at your assigned station stocking meaningless merchandise wondering about what you are going to make for dinner that night since you have to feed a family of four and make sure everyone is satisfied. Right as you are about to put that last item in line, you notice a young man to your left further down the isle. He is wearing a dark hoodie that is pulled over his head and he is glancing side to side as if to see if anyone is watching. Quickly, he snatches an item from the shelf you worked on earlier that day. Without a blink he hides it in his small backpack that blended in perfectly with his hoodie, making it impossible to notice. You can't believe this! You just witnessed theft! You don't have time contact your manager because you know they are way too busy with something else in the front of the store. You have to act before he gets away! You have to do something! Although you don't necessarily care for you're minimal pay job, you will not let that stop you from honoring the company that took the chance in hiring you! Before he leaves the isle, you shout, "HEY! ARE YOU GOING TO PAY FOR THAT?!" Your voice is loud and bold although you are shaking in your boots on what is going to happen next. You've never bluntly confronted someone like this before, but what is the worst that could happen right? Surprisingly, the young man doesn't race off like you would expect, so you have a reassurance of authority and "a deed well done". Instead, he walks calmly your way...you await his apology and for him to hand over the stolen item....he now stands two feet away from you...you put out your hand to retrieve the item...but he doesn't give it to you...You watch as he reaches in his hoodie pocket and pulls out a gun...aiming it directly at your chest...

I thought about this exact scenario one morning as I do work in retail where theft does happen. We have never experienced such extremes but I am sure someone somewhere has. In which case it would be absolutely horrifying! What really grasped my thought process in this imaginative case however where these words, "Are you going to pay for that?"

Are you going to pay for that?

In retail it's something we don't say a lot but keep our eyes open for. For the shopper, it's more phrased as, "Am I going to pay for that?" The response can either be a yes, no, or later. That later depending on the convenience to ourselves and our wallets.

In life it's something we don't ever say but we feel a lot. When someone does us wrong, when someone didn't live up to their words or standards. For the individual, sometimes it is phrased as, "am I going to pay for that?" The guilt gnaws on our consciousness and we more often than not chew on our tongues than let the burden(s) go.

If you have a Bible check out Luke 22 or click to follow link.
As an unbeliever/someone investigating Christianity, I want you to read this with this statement in the back your mind, What is the cost?
As a new believer/follower of Jesus, I want you to read this with this statement in the back of your mind, How do I pay the cost?

Summary of Luke 22:
Two of Jesus's closest friends betray him, Jesus has his last meal before his brutal death, Jesus prays earnestly, He is arrested & put through brief/humiliating "trials"

• What are the similarities between the fictional story I presented to you in the beginning of this blog and this non-fictional one?

What is the cost?

="And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."-verses 19-20

{images taken from Bing Images}

Some people like to focus on what Jesus looks like-was He white with chiseled features and golden brown hair? Was he darker toned with dark rich eyes? No one knows. And why should we care? What we do know is that Jesus was born in Bethlehem, lived in Egypt for a few years and did ministry all over Israel. He is was also a Jew.

Sometimes the image of Christ helps people identify more with Him; in which cases I have no problem with. The problem comes in when we concentrate so much on the details as such that we lose the whole gist. Recall our beginning story, note the features I gave for thief. It was a young man wearing a dark hoodie pulled over his head. He also had a small backpack that matched his hoodie's color. What I didn't note was this boy's color or ethnicity. In America, I feel like too many times it would be easy for us to immediately guess an African American man did it. And if the scenario involved a bomb instead of a gun, I feel like too many times we would assume a Middle Eastern person was the culprit.

I understand such profiling is needed in some cases but this type of stereotyping has built societies to have preconceived biased beliefs of other parties. We assume what a handful of people have done the whole will do. This is not true and must end. The same can be applied to Christianity and Christians.

What profile do you have projected in your mind when I mention Jesus,The Church, The Bible?

Such things, if not founded on Truth, can and will distort your image giving you the wrong answers to the question I first asked: Are you going to pay for that?

Are you going to pay your attention to what media, organized religion, and/or what another hypocritical person has told you? Or are you going to pay your attention to your own investigations, interactions, and studies?

Little details like what hair Jesus had, how many colors were really in Joseph's multi-colored robe, the world being created in 6 days, Noah on an ark with every created animal while the Earth flooded may come in handy in rare occasions but you're missing the point. It is about what was done and why not necessarily how or who.  

So what was done?: A crime
The crime?: You broke the law and did not pay 
What law was broken?: You stole ( The Eighth Commandment) 
What was the punishment?: Death 
Who paid for it?: The Coworker of the store=Jesus

Read Romans 2-3

Only you can answer the question of How do I pay the cost, for it is based on a personal inter-reaction.

Truth is we've all been in the shoes of the young man in my story, for it is the reason Jesus's story was shared for/with us. We may have not necessarily stolen from a retail store and put a gun to somebody's chest, but our crimes/sins/disobedience/disregard for God's Truth did put Jesus, His Son, to death-the punishment we were/are meant to have. 

People get all messed up about who put Jesus on the cross. Truth is we all did because we all are sooo deeply loved by God, our Heavenly Father, that He took the fall for us.

Finish this contemplation with reading Ephesians 3
..."Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

This is the Good News, nothing less and nothing more. Let it be so.

{Taken from Bing}

Goodbye My Chest

Let's shake it up

up, up, and out

something is to come about.

come about from this,

come out from under this,

why's, cry's, half-lies

so much love around

pain afflicting this side of me.

new titles, new dreams,

new lusts, silent scream.

Is death black?

What is death without life?

What is life without death?

Is life white?

You want me

You don't even know me

You want me

I didn't exist a minute before this.

a label,

dangling like a string,

like a web,

like blood down his wrist.

the spider draws closer,

this aching is a closer-

a shutting of what was 

and, "what now's?"

You come to me,

I'll be a lil proactive.

You come to me,

after this is all plastered...

Your body is shame,

while play'n that game that you're guilty.

Every news is a kiss.

A hit and miss.

You're my baby girl 

and I am play'n in the rain.

Third times not a charm,

you win me with those arms.

How to feel when your upside down?

How to speak when your tongues on the ground?

If I shot it...

If we missed it...

Let's do it again.

Pitied eyes, long sighs, 

What's the point?

Blessed through the muse.

Running with new shoes,

and no gravity.

Where do You come from?

Are You coming for me?

Not white not black...

Not straight not flat...

It's time to rest.

good bye my chest.

Theological Explorations & Opinions part 1

This all began because of, but not limited to, Matthew 6...and thus, let my "spaghetti" like thoughts entangle, capture, and inspire you...

Passage address three things in my opinion. It talks about:

1. appearance
2. money
3. worry

But when you really stop to think about it...it's all really about appearance right?

I asked myself these questions, ask them of yourself:

• Do you worry about money because of what you're doing/because of your appearance(s)?
• Where is your reward, where is your treasure, where is your priority? (same things?)
• Does God really care about our happiness?
• Does caring=giving? Or "always" giving?
• Does knowledge (in this case the knowing of what is needed other than what is wanted) trump caring?-Thus put, does what  God know what is best for you or His knowledge of the situation trump His caring about what you want?
• Does God know what will make me happy but doesn't always give it to me because it is not what I need?
• What do I need? (I personally believe now days that the answer is not "just God", for we also need community: "For it is not good for man to be alone...")
• Can you know something without feeling it?
• What do I need: more knowledge or more emotion?

Contemplating this concept of God or if God has qualities that trump others like knowledge trumping caring, this is what I came up with:

I don't believe God has qualities that trumps the other. His revealing of specific qualities over another at one time is based off upon who He is and what He is not. He is God; He is not man. Or what if there is never such a thing as one quality of His shown at one time? No, because that would be diminishing somebody's experience of Him. One may need Him to be gracious, while the other merciful. One might Him to be Father, while the other Lover. So there is no trumping of qualities and there is no such thing as Him showing/ being just one quality at a time. He is all, all at once; because all is needed and all is needed at once-for He is God and He is not man. But what if we focused on one person's interaction with the Divine and step aside from the whole population's experience? Is God still all those things at once to one man regardless if he needs/wants it or not? I think this is where the comprehension of the Infinite God becomes fathomless. For thing is, we do need Him to be all who He is, for He is everything good, at every given moment. Ever hear the question from the Devil's advocate: "Would God ever create a rock heavier than Himself?" Well, the obvious answer is "no". For if God were to create a rock or anything for that matter, heavier than Himself He would cease to be God. For to be God is to be Ultimate, Author & Finisher, Strength, Alpha & Omega, Jehovah, El Shaddai, Abba, Cornerstone, Anchor of our souls and on and on and on. He is God; He is not man. You may persist that you can label this god under one specific philosophy, note a wisdom created by man, and you may say: "Well, man can also experience two qualities/emotions at once." First, we would have to separate qualities and emotions however. Qualities bring about predictable emotions based off of the surrounding or protruding situation. Emotions are for example: happy, sad, upset, angry. Qualities are for example: joyful, depressing, giving. One outlasts the other longer because of an engraved logic or "un-erasable" experience. So can man have more than one quality at once? Does no matter what I'm doing change who I am? I think it is about choice and decisions that make me who I am or who I think I am or who I think others perceive me to be. So to answer that question is yes. But then as you can see, I bring up another point-our qualities or nature can change. Based on the definition I gave for qualities anyway,-"one outlasts the other longer because of an engraved logic or "un-erasable" experience. So a quality is not eternal...? One could argue: "But isn't the qualities of who I am the essence or soul of who I am?" To that I ask, "is it?" What is your soul? For now we've gotten a tad more insight on who God is, for He is not man, but what is man and what isn't man? I am reminded of the Valley of Dry Bones in Ezekiel where God blows into the bodies to finally give them life. This was not the Holy Spirit, for it did not note spiritual gifts/talents bestowed on them nor did they perform any. No, this was to give them their own lives. So breathe. We are made alive through breathe; not only just breathe but God's breathe. It's like...it's like...putting batteries into that new device you got for Christmas. All the gadgets and gismos are already assembled (in our case God fashioned us) and then all was needed was that spark of encased energy (in our case: God in us). But you say, "Sam, how can God be in us but not us?" I ask, "Is the new device named/labeled as/or is the power source put into it? No. An Apple laptop or Sony television is not named after the power source but it is named after/labeled/is based off it's owner or designer." This is where the limited human becomes fathomless. Who can fully know God? And who can fully know what makes a human? So is it the qualities that make the soul? Are qualities changeable thus making the soul also changeable? Or are our souls like our DNA-series of patterns that produce highly predictable qualities & nature? That brings about the debate over nature vs. nurture. I do not think our souls can change. Nor do I believe they can be taken...they can only be given. Our souls were given from God-for that's what makes us alive (note the difference between "alive" & "awake"; His Holy Spirit and just His breathe) and now we have the choice where to give it back. Well, actually we must remember that in this case, that not choosing to give it is choosing to give it-just not to the Lover of it. So we could instead say, our qualities are our nature, for our nature does change based off of what circumstances we allow to be attached to our core. This is what needs to be perfected; for we because of Adam and Eve have a sin nature. But the theologians would argue: "Are you saying that Jesus died only for a part of who we are and not a whole?" Yes..and no. Remember the wineskin illustration Jesus once used (Luke 5:37)? It is like that. Because of sin, our qualities are flawed/our nature broken or in error like old wineskins. When we are given life, that second in the womb when our hearts beat for the first time and chemical reactions we can not fathom happen, this instant God breathed in us & said, "YOU ARE ALIVE!" is when the wine in our illustration is poured in. Pretty soon the wine will spoil since it is not contained properly. That "spoiling" is what sin does left uncontained. Left uncontained is not accepting what Jesus has done for you and not living your life in concordance to Him. All in all, we need God to be God every single part, quality, and aspect of Him in every moment to every individual. For He is God and we are man.   



Pain For A Moment/My Calypso

My hate is embedded in a never said promise
You never made that promise
You never said a word.
I now see I wanted what you could have never provided,
you could never provide.
Never provided for me.
I'm sinking and you do not see,
you do not see me,
not the real me anyway.
Anyways, we'll move on
move on in this hate.
Pounding the life out of the door
remember that crack you bore...
why's it have to come to this?
Eyes brightest blue,
empty grey and through.
You'd think these harmonies could escalate
swell up the being, the beast
that should be dead.
But you kept yelling ,"No.
Not Now."
Not ever is what I heard.
You locked yourself up in a fortress prison
and to think I polished the metal.
Your words were daggers,
my feet ran faster,
to a place you couldn't hold me.
You can't me,
can't hold me,
hold me.
Why did it have to be like this?
My eyes are blackened,
the faults are pointed fingers
and sorrowed souls.
So much time wasted,
we can never have back.
I weep the dead,
what is dead,
we are dead.
What future?!
What hope springs?
Little laughs and murmurs,
little side-steps and humors,
fade with me.
fade with me.
Why you love so openly?
So much more room to be destroyed.
I feel nothing.
Words lose their meaning,
and luster.
This new news has gotten you all
flustered.
Someone lend a helping hand,
lend what I can't.
I'm so broken,
so broken,
and broken.
Remember those nights you punched and screamed?
Remember me,
watching from the screen, from the stairs, from down the street.
Sorrys don't fix this,
you can never fix this...
and neither can I.
I'm lost inside, father.
You long to know me,
search me,
find me.
I wish I could have shown you,
what a little girl I was.
what a little girl I am.
But I am a closed book.
What's the point of reading?
When you can just see...
arms dropped to the side,
head bent,
there's knots in the back.
Does this joy
overcome the pain?
Does this new finding
cover up the sentence I've kept hidden away?
Show me the way,
show me the Light.
I know,
or at least one day I'll know,
 there isn't a reason to fight...
anymore.

 

click&listen to Deadron "Nothing"