Life part one

     The BIG Question & Many Little Answers   

Have you felt like Chance in the movie Homeward Bound stuck in that huge muddy ditch and not having enough energy or confidence to crawl out? How about Rose from Titanic when she says, "Outwardly, I was everything a well-brought up girl should be. Inside, I was screaming."

To say just so matter of factly that I have felt this way would be an understatement.

Just now I was texting my friend and like any friend does they asked, "How are you?" What do I do? Well, nothing other than what everybody else does-type "I'm fine." Maybe add a smiley face so they don't ask anymore questions...except my stupid finger always hits the ( sign instead of the ) and although I truly feel that way :(...I send :)

Depression according to the Oxford Dictionary is expressed as such:

depression

[ diˈpreSHən ]

noun

1.       severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

•        a condition of mental disturbance characterized by depression to a greater degree than seems warranted by the external circumstances, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life:

"clinical depression"

synonyms: unhappiness • sadness • melancholy • melancholia

2.       The sun awakes the earth. It's a brand new day. Breathtaking hues of light pink and blue cascade over the city...you can't picture anything more peaceful than the empty streets and the fresh crisp air blowing trough your hair. You feel the stillness, the awe, the....the...shit your late for work! You also forgot to read the fifty page assignment last night! Not to mention that quiz that you'll have to take later that day for that class you hate!

•        Can you have peace longer than a moment?

•        Does something steal away your happiness?

•        Has the pressures of life become like a collapsing wall on all sides instead of a wide open field full of adventures, curiosity, and various pleasures?

For quite a while life has been more like...that "beautiful hated" thing more than that which I am grateful for. For quite a while I've felt like the character JJ in the movie A Long Way Down (check out the movie trailer-it's basically a movie about four individuals who want to commit suicide)...there's this powerful scene where JJ is sooooo ticked and overwhelmed that he just dives into the ocean and swims and swims and swims and swims. You know you what he's feeling and thinking...how he just wants to give up...give up on this thing called life. He comes to a stopping point but it's in the middle of no where. The water is plenty high and overwhelming. He just bobs there, letting the ocean press over his whole body.

3 Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

7 The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

-1 Kings 19:3-9

It's not that beauty has escaped the earth. It's not that there is is no love. Some laughter and smiles still linger. The warmth of your touch is still accelerating. These gifts of music, scarves, ink, books are eye catching.

Then what's wrong?

The beauty will always come to an end. Love is disappointing. While we laugh, someone out there weeps. You can't always be there for me. These material goods end up in a landfill and the brain in a six-foot ditch.

28 After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

2 There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3 His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. 4 The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”

8 So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9 Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10 Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

-Matthew 28:1-10

•        Is there always an end to great and good things?

•        Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Or is it really just a train?

•        How do you manage stress, pain, anxiety, confusion?

We all know those fundamental questions of life: Why am I here? What is my purposes? What is the point? is just some of those in a more simplistic phrase. If we all have to face such crucial questions and their relations to our survival, why do people get mad when we continue to ask them? Is it because they too are asking them but don't want any one to know? Are they afraid that their answers are wrong? Or are they just uncomfortable with the nature of your questions?

For those who don't know me, yesterday was my birthday. It was a fine day. I mainly did what I would normally do-play my numerous roles...that being a student, an employee at JoAnn Fabrics, a daughter, a friend...

Have you seen the new logo for To Write Love On Her Arms? It's "No One Can Play Your Part." I have just a little issue with that....because all I see are my roles...these roles like in a play...what a "grand" play.

 And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for theLord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

15 The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16 Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17 Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18 Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”

-1 Kings 19:9-18

Often times I portray my walk with God through an artistic manner. The image always features a path, Jesus, and me. I typically draw it in a manner of a father daughter relationship. The body positions and atmosphere are also very symbolic to what's going on internally in regards to my walk with God. Right now that image is more like

I do believe that God knows exactly how I am feeling, the thoughts I've been having and what's the reason behind them. I just don't want to be here anymore and like a someone absolutely fed up with everything, "I'm done."

As a Christian and having a community of believers around me, I am apt to getting the responses of "you're here to serve God, give God the glory, share His love" to such philosophical questions. 

I don't disagree.

It just hasn't pulled me out of that whole I'm in with Chance or from jumping off the Titanic with Rose.

God and I have been talking (...here and there....when I listen...when I take time to listen)

He brings me to scriptures like

 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

-Ephesians 2:10

And I am slightly reminded who I am to Him: special.

A lot of people say "You're going to do great things. God has something special for you. He's got big plans for you." This in turn correlates to numerous scriptures like

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

 and

Psalm 139

But then I think, if I am sooo special God, why I can't I just be with you in person? If you cherish me so much God, why can't we be together? And He said, "You can be with me now...on earth as it is in heaven. But you choose not."

I then think, why do I have to be here? If I don't want to be here anymore, why can't I go? Everyone says (including me at times) it is the most selfish thing to do. But isn't it selfish of you for keeping me here against my will? He reminds me of my free will and no one is forcing me to do anything. But the Spirit He has put in me mourns and places me in His shoes...how could a most beloved creation deny everything it's been given?

I then think, but what is Earth in comparison to eternity? What sights and gains on Earth could ever compare to what's in heaven? And He says, you're right. But He reminds me that although He doesn't need me to be here...He wants me here. Then the spirit within me stirs at such a word "want".

Want. He wants me. All of me.

"...the Adulterous Wife"

To be continued...