I am not sure how to go about this, not quite sure what to write...or why I'm writing...all I know is that I want to, need to say something.
For the past couple of weeks I've been experiencing anxiety, extreme loneliness, anger, and suicidal thoughts....today a new one actually occurred-running away. Why? I'm not 100% positive why, other than I'm just fed up with everything....and my answers to some of life's deepest questions aren't satisfying me anymore.
For those who really know me, these things are not entirely new....and neither is the fact that I often cause my own pain. You know I had a friend comment on my tattoos the other day saying the reason I got them is because I still live in shame. I wanted to shrug them off, but I thought about it a lil more. Yes, yes...I do continue to live in shame. I recall as the needle inserted itself in to my skin for my first tattoo I thought, "yes, I deserve this...all of this...I deserve this pain...the pain I'm too scared to fully inflict upon myself."
Do you ever have those moments where you feel so utterly alone that it seems like a weight is sitting on your chest? Can you feel the ach, the hopelessness, the sadness? I never did/do really like the word, "sad" but I don't know what other word to use. I'm just...sad. No matter what I say, here I am sitting in my car crying my eyes out but whipping them off before you see me.
My problem...one of my many problems...is thinking that I am a problem. I don't alert people that I feel this way because I feel like they're too busy for me, I don't tell them how I really feel about their company because I'm afraid that I won't have those same emotions in return, and then when they do share their love for me I know I'll disappoint them some way some how.
I complicated. I'm a girl. But I'm human, like you.
I've thought these couple of weeks, "it's okay for me to say good bye but you have to remain." How does that make sense? Tainted thoughts.
How is my premature death less significant as yours would be? I don't know! I just don't think I'm that important! And truth is if I compliment the butt load out of you it's probably because I feel like poop about myself!
Where did that come from?
I have plenty of friends and family who love me, I have a good job, I have things working out for me....
But what about those...who...don't...?
Why is it I have and they don't? So I can give? Well, I don't have enough to give to give to the whole dang world! I've also thought recently, "what if living is the hell?" Like does the good things in life really outweigh the bad? Really? My friend reminded me that life is no where near Hell. I knew/know this. Hell...that is a place with out God.
A place without God. Have you been there? Have you felt like you have? Maybe it was your fault? I know 99.99% of the time it's my fault...no I guess it's really 100% my fault; God is always with us rather we want Him or not.
I've been told...I know He can satisfy EVERYTHING-all our needs and wants, He is what we truly desire, that EVERLASTING peace...love...joy...
Then why don't I feel it? Why don't I feel you here, God? Like conversations with my very intelligent friend I am reminded that feelings don't trump facts.
Fact is: God loves me.
Fact is: I love somebody/something else
Fact is: God, you've never left me
Fact is: I'd rather be somewhere else
Fact is: You always forgive
Fact is: I apologize for the same thing over and over again
I wouldn't commit suicide. But it doesn't mean that I really want to be here either. "Why can't I be with you Father?! In heaven!?" And He's over here like, "Why aren't you with me now? On Earth?"
Another dear friend of mine had said that life gets all whacko when she is not fulfilling her purpose. What is my purpose, O God? To tell of your great love? Then again, if I do not do the job, won't you send someone else to do it?
I don't get the how's and why's. I don't get a lot of things....like why I continue to watch Criminal Minds when I'm home all alone...at night...
Is helping just one person worth it? Am I here because/for them? Am I worth it?
Life, a beautiful hated thing. Creating memories, regretting the choices, laughing years later, shaking from the pain, while leaping up for joy at a miracle and fighting back the anger.
What is the point? To work till our hand grow tired and weak, earn enough cash to eat and try to find a mate so the cycle can continue? Oh and I almost forgot earning a degree somewhere along there!
It's like lifting a 20 lbs. six foot shelf trying to balance slippery ribbons and trims, tripping on one strand and busting your nose on the concrete.
I know this is not one of my chipper blogs...it's more like one of my journal entries...all tangled up with thoughts, questions, more questions, more thoughts, and not always a conclusion. But as the wisdom in my heart once warned others, I also must take heed myself: withdrawing in one's self is NOT taking refugee, it's self- destruction.
If you are having suicidal thoughts today I encourage you to please consider taking the time to contemplate hope for another second-hope found in the midst of the pain. I have listed below a couple of websites that will be of assistance to that road:
Oh and then after checking out those, I dare you to do that silly Facebook challenge of posting five pictures that make you feel beautiful but then also what you love about your self next to each one.
Some might find this a lil self-centered...but what is more self-centered posting five pictures that boost your self esteem or the five seconds* it takes to take your last breath leaving all those who do truly care about you devastated?
.......this is hard.....I want to list things that I've been given and not things that which I am. Like I love that I am loved or I am forgiven or that I am free. But who am I that God loves, forgives, and frees me? I am not evil. I am not just broken. I am His Creation. I am Samantha..."The One Who Listens"
So who am I, that which I love? I love...wow, what a heavy word...I love that I am sincere. (I read that was what my name meant somewhere, so it must be true)
I love that I can look good in red lipstick because I love the color red...hahah okay I guess that one doesn't really count.
I love that I can, with God's help & mercy, love those who hurt me...like this pain in the butt dog I'm holding... 
I love that I can share what I've been through to help others in the same boat.
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