Changing Perspectives On Dating
As my Grandmother would say, "Don't get your panties in a bundle." which meant don't freak out. I feel like many of you (Christians) upon reading this post's heading are already thinking, "This is absurd and antithetical to our beliefs." Just hear me out.
Upon my years of participating in youth groups and going to church, I have heard my share of dating sermons. Every year, typically around Valentine's Day, would be the same topics-you know the ones about relationships, courting, marriage, what a single person should be doing, the sacredness of sex, etc.
One year as us girls gabbed about our latest crushes and got on the topic of 'what-we-were-looking-for,' I heard about this thing called the "cupcake analogy." Each part of a "cupcake" represents negotiable or nonnegotiable aspects in a dating partner. For example, a cupcake can have sprinkles on it or it can not. Either way, that doesn't take away from its essence. It only adds. It is not necessary, but it would be fun to have. So for example, one of those things for me would be a guy who has long hair. Not like poney tail long, but at least their ears. I really like hair, but this is not an absolute must for me (although many joke that it is).
What are some of your "sprinkles"? These could be anywhere from "they are interested in the same music," "they play this specific sport," or "they have a dog."
A cupcake has a specific nature. It has a specific shape. It has certain ingredients. This is what lies underneath the toppings of frosting and sprinkles. This would be your "must-have list." These things could be, "the person must have humility," "they have to have great hygiene," and/or "they must be kind." Obviously in a church setting our must-haves were, "they must be Christian," "they must go to church;" "they must be like Jesus."
There's a great song called "When You Were Young" by The Killers that says:
"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now, here he comes
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined
When you were young"
There are many things we were taught in the church that need to be unpacked and reevaluated no doubt. A huge area that needs to be rediscussed is the concept of dating, but as I suggest a change in mindset over this one area I am not saying that we should "throw the baby out with the bathwater." Which is another idiom my Grandmother would say meaning, don't toss out everything.
We need to stop looking for Jesus in our potential partners. My reason is this: there is only one Jesus. Let Jesus be Jesus. Only Jesus, God's Son, can bring wholeness. I say "wholeness," not satisfaction because it is true Jesus is not all you need in this life. You need community. You were created for community. It is not good for anyone to be alone. Know your completeness in Jesus, but know the sharpening of that identity in relationships.
This is not saying to not look for the "fruit of the Spirit" (Gal. 5: 22-23) in a person. It is saying don't look for perfection. Only Jesus is perfect. This is not saying to lower your standards. It is saying don't expect another person to live a certain way that you yourself don't (again, I am only talking to Believers in this specific post).
If you are a Christ-follower, look for someone who loves Jesus. However, their expression of that love may look different than yours and that's ok.
Here are two people from God's Word I have found to be a very admirable and now look for to display my essentials list:
- Stephen (Acts 6: 8-15, 7)-here is someone who allowed the Holy Spirit to move within him in a mighty and powerful way. Through the Spirit, he spoke boldly to his opponents about the Gospel even to the point of death.
- he was full of grace and power
- did good things for the people
- was wise
- innocent/had a face like an angel
- saw and lived for God's glory
- prayed for his enemies
- The One Criminal Crufucied with Jesus (Luke 23: 32-43)-here is someone who was about to die for doing a heinous crime but sticks up for Jesus who was unjustly condemned and mocked.
- he was guilty and admitted he was deserving of the punishment
- noted Jesus did nothing wrong
- asks Jesus to remember him
What about them stands out for you?
What men/women in the Bible stick out for you?
How do you allow your boy/girlfriend to love Jesus in their own way?
What about your dating partner leads you to a closer relationship with Jesus?
Why do you believe that as a Christ-follower it is important to date a Christ-lover other than the fact that the Bible says we should not be "unequally yoked"?
Wrestle with this and share your thoughts below. May you find the one who is only, ever Jesus and may you find a partner/partners who are themselves loving Jesus.
