Deconstructing

 Deconstruction.

My Version

It's a beautiful night. I should talk with God. Oh, look at that cute little bench over there! That would be a great place for devotions. 

The thoughts still come to me. Those thoughts of the perfect place. The perfect moment. That go-to spot to meet with Jesus.

I still believe I and all people can have those unique and priceless moments. It doesn't matter where you are or who you are.

These "devotional" moments were once a staple in my life. (More than a bag of Doritos or quoting Spongebob believe it or not!) 

I loved Jesus. 

I still do.

It's been close to a year since I've picked up my Bible for an actual study.

Instead of the thrill and joy, I once received while turning through those thin, piercing white pages I am now filled with anger and frustration.

                                      'Why God, why do you allow us to distort this so-called sacred thing so much?' 

Instead of feeling the "Holy Spirit lead me to my passage of the day" I laugh and shake my head.

                                                                                                'Lord, why couldn't you have been clearer?'

Instead of feeling guilty, I feel nothing.

I was recently asked by an old-time friend of mine, "Are you even still Christian?"

A lot has changed. 

That's so cliche to say, but this whole journey sometimes just leaves me speechless and so I'm left with just the basic words and phrases.

That's what I should do right? Go back to the basics? 

                                                     'Have I ever heard your voice, God? Did you really ever speak to me?'

Sometimes I wish there was a restart button. 

It's like, 'ok I did this whole "Christian path" thang, time to try a different route please!

My mother used to have a foam beer can holder that said, "This is not the life I ordered."

I'm glad it's not the life I once thought I wanted. 

At the age of twenty, I thought I was ready to "settle down." I wanted a husband who would work in ministry with me, we'd have a church-home (a literal church building attached to our house), a homeschool room, residential beds, and a serving kitchen. 

I am now twenty-nine and think WTF.

The answer to my friend's question and to all those concerned "true Christians" out there (you know who you are because I was just as judgemental as you), yes I am still a Jesus-follower.

No, I don't go to church.

Yes, I smoke weed. 

No, I don't read the Bible. 

Yes, I know what it says.

No, I don't listen to "Christian music." 

Yes, I fucking swear. 

"No, I did not have sexual relations with that woman...." but the Lord knows I want to!

There are a million reasons to deconstruct, but it can just take one big one.

I could point to just my falling in love with a woman a couple years ago but in all honesty, I have been chipping away & rebuilding what I believe ever since I was a child.

I learned-'Life is nothing but pain.' But I also learned-'I have some power in making this life beautiful & worth it.'

I learned-'God is real.' But I also learned-'I can really know this God.'

I learned-"Drugs are bad m'kay." But I also learned-'Weed is not bad, man.'

Life is all about learning; where would one be without the other?

I know I don't owe anyone explanations, but I also know it can be very jarring to see those whom you once perhaps admired or learned from to take a 180-degree turn...and in your mind, maybe a turn for the worse. 

I have no shame in who I am. And no one or thing has blinded my eyes no matter how many times you insist on taking scripture out of context (John 12:40).

That is one of the biggest things for me (perhaps someone who is kind and has patience could indulge me) but how the fuck do we get the right to take anything from the Bible and say, "This is what it means in OUR lives TODAY"?

I don't get it anymore.

I am not saying I know it all or that I am better than anyone, I just don't get it.

I make fun of myself (especially when I'm high) regarding the shit I used to do, say, or believe as an "evangelical Christian." (Just FYI I never claimed to be an evangelical, but I was. In the bad sense. In the "purity-culture," WWJD?, "I'm going to be a missionary to India" sense.)

There is so much more to life than living in that box.

Even if you don't want out, wouldn't you want to at least know you're in a box?

I suppose you could say the same to me and the argument would go 'round & 'round.

A cousin of mine went through deconstruction many years ago and it broke my heart at the time. (I'm pretty sure that conversation is on this blog somewhere.) But now I finally know what he meant when he said, "I feel freer." (Again I already know some of you are whipping out that 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 verse. Do you ever think about how verses like that just guilt/shame people instead of the goal you're trying to reach?)

My old blog posts are filled with taking verses out of their original context as much as I may have tried not to do that.

My bookshelves are filled with religious books that would make you think that is all I know. You're partially right.

I don't like who I am, but it's because of having to rebuild the last seventeen years of spirituality. 

So I've ranted enough, let's air out the dirty laundry and rip off the bandaid: 

where am I truly? 

Where do I stand spiritually?

I plan to get a tattoo in a couple weeks of a child holding a parent's hand because I've alwasy visualized YHWH as my Heavenly Father. Numerous times I would paint this landscape in my head on what our intimate journey looked like-either us walking through the dessert or stopping to smell the roses in a jungle. 

My relationship with YHWH has been so different these last couple of years that I don't seem to have a landscape anymore; I'm just glad God is holding my hand. 

I believe God is near.

I believe God is good.

He/She/It created all things.

I do not believe I am evil or broken, but I know I sin at times.

I know I can do good and bad things. I know I am a work in progress. 

I do not believe the Genesis account is literal but has basic truths.

I believe Jesus is fully God and man, died for our sins & rose again.

I believe in the Holy Trinity.

I do not know what I think about "End Times" anymore. I am more inclined to believe that it happened in the past (during/after John's death), is very figurative, and pulls upon the Old Testament more than we know.

I have never believed in "Communion" but believe in community-which the church can too often ride on the cult side. 

I believe all people are equal but are not treated as such, so systems need to change. (Black & Asian lives matter!)

A system I have always believed needed to change to reach all people is the church.

I believe the Holy Bible is God's Word, but I think we've been absurd in the ways we interpret it.

I do not have the solution.

I believe love is love. (Gay rights, baby!)

I believe God still speaks today, guiding people; however, I couldn't tell you with 100 percent certainty if it was God speaking or not because our beliefs are a cesspool of our cultures, geographical locations, traditions, etc.

I don't know if everything happens for a reason or not.

I don't know "when life begins or ends" for sure.

I believe we all should have full rights over our bodies. (Women & Trans rights, baby!)

As the glistening Southern California sun falls upon my pillow in the morning, I have a tingling compulsion to "get right with God." But I come to my senses and remember, "I already am."

I already am.