Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 5

How Christianity Can Keep You In Abuse:

Yes. Abuse. 

Abuse is what harms another. 

What could possibly be harmful in Christianity- other than the homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, advocacy for slavery, child sacrifice, and rape? (See Bible for reference, especially the Old Testament.) 

For years I submerged myself to evangelical Christianity, which taught me to "obey my masters"  and "pray for those who persecuted me."  As a teenager, that meant humbly serving those the Lord put in charge- which is apparently everybody (especially white men). I could, at the time, obey my government with no problem. I obeyed my teachers to a T and listened to mangers without question. The person who was the hardest for me was the person who had hurt me the most, my Mother. In a dramatic comparison I felt like Jonah sent to Nineveh; my Mom was my mission field. Despite the neglect and abuse, I believed God wanted me to stay within her presence. My obedience to her were arrows of love, you know, "Kill them with kindness" shit. My love for her was only filled because of Jesus. God had commanded not only to obey your parents so that we may live long, but to serve our masters as if serving the Lord. I would die for Jesus. Did that mean I had to die for my Mom too? God had commanded me to forgive so that I may be forgiven by him. I was equally a sinner in His eyes, so how could I speak up?

As horrid as it sounds and despite being asked by a youth group ministry leader if I wanted them to report what was happening at home to DCFS (Department of Child & Family Services) and me declining, I continued to live with my Mom. I was in junior high, a new Jesus Freak, on fire for God. How could a warrior turn down their calling? How could I disobey my Heavenly Father? My Mom was trying, I justified, even if that meant sometimes nights were filled with drunken stammers and flying fists. "I survived this long; I can keep going." I thought, while praying desperately for change.

I am not the only one who has fell prey to this trap within Christianity. I see it and hear about it from others. People become accustomed to accepting inappropriate behavior because that's what's been modeled to them. The church opens the doors for the wounded only to put a bandage on & say, "Help others put this on too!" 

 

My prayer journals religiously asked for God's forgiveness for not doing more for Him, for staying in my comfort zone, and for my pride. So many times I wanted to call it quits and runaway, but I felt God say, "Stay." All the "praise you in the storm" worship songs confirmed this for me. 

If you or someone you know is being harmed in any way, shape, or form report it to the proper authorities and get help. Everyone deserves safety and love. So why is there even an ounce of hesitancy within the church? 

Because this subservient behavior is exactly what God calls us to have with him, despite the fact that he's narcissistic asshole. He is the Almighty; yet, chooses-I'm sorry "allows,"  to have children suffer. 

"Oh well that's because of the fallen world!" You might say. God is the one who created the fallen world. 

"No, that's our sin!" Is this because of our personal sin or because we're born into sin; regardless, who the fuck tortures children because of a misbehavior? That, my friends, is called bad parenting. 

Yep, that's right. The world's worst Dad award goes to Yahwey, for creating human beings he instantly regretted although he knew their future disobedience and drowned them anyway! (Noah's ark makes for an excellent bed time story.)

The God of the Bible uses violence to makes things rights. He desires clean blood to even look at you. How messed up is that? 

You are not a filthy sinner; you are a human being learning how to love better. 

You are not a sinner saved by grace; you are a maturing person with potential of greatness. 

You do not owe anyone respect, but you do owe yourself the world. 

Let me know how you've overcome the tangled webs of evangelicalism in the comments below!

If you're a believer, I'd still like to chat. Let me know your thoughts, questions, and concerns!

 Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 1 

YOUTH GROUPS

This blog began as a way for me to share how Jesus had revolutionized my life. My very first post is my "testimony." At the age of twelve, I was invited to join a youth group by my cousin. This group offered what I was missing-adventures, concerts, support, and inclusion. I came from an unhappy home and as a child wanted to commit suicide. My youth leader and sponsors at this new church presented the Gospel in a way I hadn't heard before. The message, 'Jesus wanted a relationship with me.'

Despite other teenagers calling us a cult, my Mom becoming concerned, and stickers agreeing with the statement that "we were brainwashed" because of Romans 12:1-2, I was a proud "Jesus Freak." From junior high all the way to receiving a Master's Degree, I was sold. Because of my extreme beliefs of what it meant to be a “true Christian,” I missed out on social opportunities, became weary of science, amplified my Borderline Disorder, and became unequipped for practical living.

I’m not talking about a going to church every Sunday, doing charity work, and singing in the choir type of Christian. No, I’m talking about the ‘I’m going to leave EVERYTHING and follow Jesus’ Christian. Youth Group was the fun and energetic just for kids church. When I got invited to the one I became a member of for six years, I was drawn in by fog machines, stage lights, talented musicians, funny games, and how the leader could talk about the Bible in a relevant way. These were the years of Adventure & Duct-taped Bibles. We were “challenged” to experience life in a way we hadn’t before; we were molded into something we were never meant to be.

If we examined the Evangelical Christian Youth Group which I was a part of according to Psychology Today’s post “12 Signs That Someone May be Involved in Cult” I would answer them as such:

1. The Big Idea-Presenting Jesus in a fun, relational, much-needed thing to have. To have Him, you must surrender your life (way of doing and thinking about things) and submit to the Spirit. Why wouldn’t you want to do this for the person who loved you so much to take away the sins you committed against God, your creator?

2. Love-Bombing-Jesus doesn’t just love you, He likes you. Since we are “heirs of Christ” we share in the royal status, we are ‘princes and princesses.’ We are the ‘chosen.’ God honors those who serve Him, all things work for the good for those who love Him. The church is Christ’s bride, we are cherished above all else.

3. A New Life-2 Cor 5:17 “Behold the old has gone and the new has come! Therefore anyone who is in Christ is a new creation.” We must be reborn, baptized even. We must have the fruit of the spirit. You are a little Christ. You are “god-image bearers,” the only chance someone might see Jesus today. You are set apart, called holy, and sanctified. Live like you have been saved or else it's like you’re crucifying Jesus all over again

4. Growth- Once you’re “saved or rededicated or reborn” you don’t just poof to heaven because God has a mission for you. You must study His word, the Holy Bible, to find out the solutions to everyday problems. It is your life support, your milk. You get into a group with like-minded (and same-gendered) people to hold each other accountable to this new lifestyle. You go on retreats to strengthen your walk with Christ. You fast to better meditate on scripture.

5. Rights of Passage-If you loved Jesus and loved getting your peers to experience what you have found join the ministry team. Wow, you’re so good at that skill we needed you to fill in for, how about you become a small group leader? Wow, people look up to you, why not become a sponsor? Then if you get all your credentials from a seminary you may be as lucky as a WASPM (white-anglo saxon protestant man) to become a pastor. 

6. Isolution-Don’t go to that or this church because they teach things this and that way which is against what the Bible says here and there. You are a city on a hill, a light not easily broken, clothed in armor Satan himself can not defeat.

7. Hate-Bonding-we’re being persecuted because the Bible says the world hates us. We hate the sin, love the sinner. We will do anything to help the world see they are blinded.

8.  Traitors-Joyce Meyers is a  great author but she’s too prideful. Rob Bell is a great speaker but misinterprets the Bible. The 700 club makes Christianity look boring. America has numb Christians, most Christians don’t even read their own Bibles! Those who leave prove they were never saved to begin with.

9. Witch Hunts-Satan has disguised himself as an angel of light deceiving the world. It is us vs. them. How far will you go to prove Jesus is your all in all? Will you be the next Mother Teresa, Jim Elliot, Andy Stanley? What we invest our time into we become; who our friends are we soon mirror. Do you really want to be “left behind”?

10. Persecution Paranoia-in my youth group’s case, we were being hammered with how rumors, lies, and gossip would destroy us all. When in reality, it was to cover up a sex predator. The youth group severed over loyalty to this person. 

11. Attack-in my youth group’s case once the truth finally came out, the pastors told us not to talk about it. We questioned not only our past with these people but also what the future would mean. How could someone “so godly” do something so horrible? Were all sins truly the same? Why was this covered up for so long? What else haven’t we been told? Was everything just a ruse?   

12. Final Conflict-many left youth group and the church. Many still defended the culprit. Many just said fuck it…

But not me. I stayed in the faith for another ten years. I repeated the cycle over and over again. I was taught that our allegiance was to a God whom we could not see, not man. I was humbled because I put my youth leaders on a pedestal where they did not belong. I continued to witness three more churches with sexual misconduct, the fall of Mark Driscoll, and other “brothers & sisters” following a racist Christian president before I left. Christianity wasn’t my religion, it was my life thanks to my youth group. 

And thanks to my youth group and those following, I now grow weary and skeptical of ever joining officially labeled groups. I despise the fact that we encourage our children to go to such events if we don’t know everything that’s being taught. As an adult who’s stepped away from Christianity, I can now see how my youth group’s tactics were similar to other cults. We had our own “godly” language, clothing, attitudes, politics, and music. We can’t ignore that the evangelical movement is making children drink the…(you get the point). Too much of a good thing can be bad and in this case, it was Jesus.

Deconstructing

 Deconstruction.

My Version

It's a beautiful night. I should talk with God. Oh, look at that cute little bench over there! That would be a great place for devotions. 

The thoughts still come to me. Those thoughts of the perfect place. The perfect moment. That go-to spot to meet with Jesus.

I still believe I and all people can have those unique and priceless moments. It doesn't matter where you are or who you are.

These "devotional" moments were once a staple in my life. (More than a bag of Doritos or quoting Spongebob believe it or not!) 

I loved Jesus. 

I still do.

It's been close to a year since I've picked up my Bible for an actual study.

Instead of the thrill and joy, I once received while turning through those thin, piercing white pages I am now filled with anger and frustration.

                                      'Why God, why do you allow us to distort this so-called sacred thing so much?' 

Instead of feeling the "Holy Spirit lead me to my passage of the day" I laugh and shake my head.

                                                                                                'Lord, why couldn't you have been clearer?'

Instead of feeling guilty, I feel nothing.

I was recently asked by an old-time friend of mine, "Are you even still Christian?"

A lot has changed. 

That's so cliche to say, but this whole journey sometimes just leaves me speechless and so I'm left with just the basic words and phrases.

That's what I should do right? Go back to the basics? 

                                                     'Have I ever heard your voice, God? Did you really ever speak to me?'

Sometimes I wish there was a restart button. 

It's like, 'ok I did this whole "Christian path" thang, time to try a different route please!

My mother used to have a foam beer can holder that said, "This is not the life I ordered."

I'm glad it's not the life I once thought I wanted. 

At the age of twenty, I thought I was ready to "settle down." I wanted a husband who would work in ministry with me, we'd have a church-home (a literal church building attached to our house), a homeschool room, residential beds, and a serving kitchen. 

I am now twenty-nine and think WTF.

The answer to my friend's question and to all those concerned "true Christians" out there (you know who you are because I was just as judgemental as you), yes I am still a Jesus-follower.

No, I don't go to church.

Yes, I smoke weed. 

No, I don't read the Bible. 

Yes, I know what it says.

No, I don't listen to "Christian music." 

Yes, I fucking swear. 

"No, I did not have sexual relations with that woman...." but the Lord knows I want to!

There are a million reasons to deconstruct, but it can just take one big one.

I could point to just my falling in love with a woman a couple years ago but in all honesty, I have been chipping away & rebuilding what I believe ever since I was a child.

I learned-'Life is nothing but pain.' But I also learned-'I have some power in making this life beautiful & worth it.'

I learned-'God is real.' But I also learned-'I can really know this God.'

I learned-"Drugs are bad m'kay." But I also learned-'Weed is not bad, man.'

Life is all about learning; where would one be without the other?

I know I don't owe anyone explanations, but I also know it can be very jarring to see those whom you once perhaps admired or learned from to take a 180-degree turn...and in your mind, maybe a turn for the worse. 

I have no shame in who I am. And no one or thing has blinded my eyes no matter how many times you insist on taking scripture out of context (John 12:40).

That is one of the biggest things for me (perhaps someone who is kind and has patience could indulge me) but how the fuck do we get the right to take anything from the Bible and say, "This is what it means in OUR lives TODAY"?

I don't get it anymore.

I am not saying I know it all or that I am better than anyone, I just don't get it.

I make fun of myself (especially when I'm high) regarding the shit I used to do, say, or believe as an "evangelical Christian." (Just FYI I never claimed to be an evangelical, but I was. In the bad sense. In the "purity-culture," WWJD?, "I'm going to be a missionary to India" sense.)

There is so much more to life than living in that box.

Even if you don't want out, wouldn't you want to at least know you're in a box?

I suppose you could say the same to me and the argument would go 'round & 'round.

A cousin of mine went through deconstruction many years ago and it broke my heart at the time. (I'm pretty sure that conversation is on this blog somewhere.) But now I finally know what he meant when he said, "I feel freer." (Again I already know some of you are whipping out that 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 verse. Do you ever think about how verses like that just guilt/shame people instead of the goal you're trying to reach?)

My old blog posts are filled with taking verses out of their original context as much as I may have tried not to do that.

My bookshelves are filled with religious books that would make you think that is all I know. You're partially right.

I don't like who I am, but it's because of having to rebuild the last seventeen years of spirituality. 

So I've ranted enough, let's air out the dirty laundry and rip off the bandaid: 

where am I truly? 

Where do I stand spiritually?

I plan to get a tattoo in a couple weeks of a child holding a parent's hand because I've alwasy visualized YHWH as my Heavenly Father. Numerous times I would paint this landscape in my head on what our intimate journey looked like-either us walking through the dessert or stopping to smell the roses in a jungle. 

My relationship with YHWH has been so different these last couple of years that I don't seem to have a landscape anymore; I'm just glad God is holding my hand. 

I believe God is near.

I believe God is good.

He/She/It created all things.

I do not believe I am evil or broken, but I know I sin at times.

I know I can do good and bad things. I know I am a work in progress. 

I do not believe the Genesis account is literal but has basic truths.

I believe Jesus is fully God and man, died for our sins & rose again.

I believe in the Holy Trinity.

I do not know what I think about "End Times" anymore. I am more inclined to believe that it happened in the past (during/after John's death), is very figurative, and pulls upon the Old Testament more than we know.

I have never believed in "Communion" but believe in community-which the church can too often ride on the cult side. 

I believe all people are equal but are not treated as such, so systems need to change. (Black & Asian lives matter!)

A system I have always believed needed to change to reach all people is the church.

I believe the Holy Bible is God's Word, but I think we've been absurd in the ways we interpret it.

I do not have the solution.

I believe love is love. (Gay rights, baby!)

I believe God still speaks today, guiding people; however, I couldn't tell you with 100 percent certainty if it was God speaking or not because our beliefs are a cesspool of our cultures, geographical locations, traditions, etc.

I don't know if everything happens for a reason or not.

I don't know "when life begins or ends" for sure.

I believe we all should have full rights over our bodies. (Women & Trans rights, baby!)

As the glistening Southern California sun falls upon my pillow in the morning, I have a tingling compulsion to "get right with God." But I come to my senses and remember, "I already am."

I already am.