God Loves You But

"God loves you but needs you to love him or else." 

"God doesn't need anything. We need him."

"Says him."

Choosing the Christian God is choosing to go backwards in society. The god described in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible is full of jealousy, pride, and vengeance. He is bloodthirsty and acts like any other god that we-Christians/exChristians/ Americans, were taught were idols. This god, identifying himself as YHWH ("I am who I am."  Ex. 3:14), is ok with slavery (Ex. 21), genocide (1 Sam 15), incest (Gen 19), lying (Abraham & Sarah), and destroying people's lives to win a bet (Lot). These traits are noted for being more of our "primitive" or "survival-brain;" thus, not utilizing our prefrontal cortex where logic lives. 

Logic has evolved like everything else; as we grow we mature. Maturity is crowned as having a rational mind chastened by patience. Logic has helped us stop, breathe, and ask, "Why am I triggered right now?" Logic helps us uncover truths by asking more questions; it acknowledges wisdom is a process. Logic says, "Stop, how did we get here and why?" 

No matter the context, oppression of your and others autonomy isn't generally viewed as moral. But YHWH commands your worship, love, and unrelenting gratitude or else. This god is taught as not needing it because (some) doctrines preach he's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good despite how humans may describe healthy versions of these attributes. He gets to define the words and pull the strings. And even after he's taken (I mean allowed Satan to take) everything away from you, you are the one still expected to say, "Woe is me a lowly sinner desperate of grace."

 

This gaslighting behavior is typical from narcissistic personalities. As Christians it's prideful to think you are without sin and blasphemous to think god is ever in the wrong. God denies being evil, reverses the blame onto humans (the generational curse of sin), attacks whole people groups instead of just the guilty party, claims he is the victim you owe pure blood to, and is offended you would even question his authority. Modern psychology has given this DARVO model to protect ourselves. When will we use it to protect use from our Abusive Heavenly Father?

"God isn't abusive! He gives us exactly what we deserve!" 

"Why you do you believe this?"

"Humans are evil, just look around.

"We can do horrendous things yes, but every animal also does the same."

Christians are taught that the New Testament trumps the old because Jesus' redemptive blood was the sacrament needed to fulfill the hundreds of laws god originally commanded (but knew we couldn't keep). These two persons of the Holy Trinity contradict. YHWH is full of bloodlust while Jesus-despite saying "he did not come to bring peace but a sword" Matt. 10:34, shows justice by laying down his life. But modern-day sciences trump all three persons and their solutions to problems. 

 

Psychology teaches forgiveness is a mental choice, not a command. Logical fallacies highlight the errors in Pascal's Wager and anthropology the congruency between religions. The truth is the Father can't be falsified, the Son can't be verified, and the Holy Spirit is just hypothesized. This "divinity inside us" is said to guide, teach, remind, and empower; any good seen within you in said to be God alone. Yet, despite all technological advancements there hasn't been concrete proof of a Spirit within humans. What is typically assigned to the spirit's traits are literally just chemical synapses in the brain of a walking meatsac. What we know through biology gives us more power than the Holy Spirit ever will. 

So before you walk up for an alter call, say the sinners prayer, or attend a church revival ask yourself: can I receive what I am getting in this setting from somewhere else and lose less? 

Yes. 

God loves you but you suck, according to him. According to the "secular," you're just human.

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 5

How Christianity Can Keep You In Abuse:

Yes. Abuse. 

Abuse is what harms another. 

What could possibly be harmful in Christianity- other than the homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, advocacy for slavery, child sacrifice, and rape? (See Bible for reference, especially the Old Testament.) 

For years I submerged myself to evangelical Christianity, which taught me to "obey my masters"  and "pray for those who persecuted me."  As a teenager, that meant humbly serving those the Lord put in charge- which is apparently everybody (especially white men). I could, at the time, obey my government with no problem. I obeyed my teachers to a T and listened to mangers without question. The person who was the hardest for me was the person who had hurt me the most, my Mother. In a dramatic comparison I felt like Jonah sent to Nineveh; my Mom was my mission field. Despite the neglect and abuse, I believed God wanted me to stay within her presence. My obedience to her were arrows of love, you know, "Kill them with kindness" shit. My love for her was only filled because of Jesus. God had commanded not only to obey your parents so that we may live long, but to serve our masters as if serving the Lord. I would die for Jesus. Did that mean I had to die for my Mom too? God had commanded me to forgive so that I may be forgiven by him. I was equally a sinner in His eyes, so how could I speak up?

As horrid as it sounds and despite being asked by a youth group ministry leader if I wanted them to report what was happening at home to DCFS (Department of Child & Family Services) and me declining, I continued to live with my Mom. I was in junior high, a new Jesus Freak, on fire for God. How could a warrior turn down their calling? How could I disobey my Heavenly Father? My Mom was trying, I justified, even if that meant sometimes nights were filled with drunken stammers and flying fists. "I survived this long; I can keep going." I thought, while praying desperately for change.

I am not the only one who has fell prey to this trap within Christianity. I see it and hear about it from others. People become accustomed to accepting inappropriate behavior because that's what's been modeled to them. The church opens the doors for the wounded only to put a bandage on & say, "Help others put this on too!" 

 

My prayer journals religiously asked for God's forgiveness for not doing more for Him, for staying in my comfort zone, and for my pride. So many times I wanted to call it quits and runaway, but I felt God say, "Stay." All the "praise you in the storm" worship songs confirmed this for me. 

If you or someone you know is being harmed in any way, shape, or form report it to the proper authorities and get help. Everyone deserves safety and love. So why is there even an ounce of hesitancy within the church? 

Because this subservient behavior is exactly what God calls us to have with him, despite the fact that he's narcissistic asshole. He is the Almighty; yet, chooses-I'm sorry "allows,"  to have children suffer. 

"Oh well that's because of the fallen world!" You might say. God is the one who created the fallen world. 

"No, that's our sin!" Is this because of our personal sin or because we're born into sin; regardless, who the fuck tortures children because of a misbehavior? That, my friends, is called bad parenting. 

Yep, that's right. The world's worst Dad award goes to Yahwey, for creating human beings he instantly regretted although he knew their future disobedience and drowned them anyway! (Noah's ark makes for an excellent bed time story.)

The God of the Bible uses violence to makes things rights. He desires clean blood to even look at you. How messed up is that? 

You are not a filthy sinner; you are a human being learning how to love better. 

You are not a sinner saved by grace; you are a maturing person with potential of greatness. 

You do not owe anyone respect, but you do owe yourself the world. 

Let me know how you've overcome the tangled webs of evangelicalism in the comments below!

If you're a believer, I'd still like to chat. Let me know your thoughts, questions, and concerns!

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 4

"Christianity saved me only to bury me."  

Recapping some of our previous points: 

1. Anything can be cult 

2. Cults can be identified by: 

     - teaching a type of separation from the main culture (us v. them, good v. evil, truth v. lies)

     -  instating distinctual attire & attitudes to denote membership (uniformity, rules, codes, ethics, boundaries)

     - lead by charismatic, lovable, authoritative teachers (viewed as holy or most intelligent)

      - can be on a spectrum of unhealthiness (ex: a sports team cult following v. Jim Jones)

3. Religions were cults that gained the most traction over the centuries and Evangelical Christianity today can be an example of such

4. Anyone can fall victim to a cult

5. It's all just another sales pitch (either convincing you of a problem you don't have or selling a cure all solution)

As a past Jesus Freak, I wholeheartedly and unashamedly professed that I was a sinner saved by grace alone. As a past Jesus follower, I rightfully and joyfully laid down my life daily for the Holy Spirit to do His bidding. 

Now, on the flip side. I see how Christianity-my version anyway, had built its empire upon a foundation of projection. 

The feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and fear are common to our species. As our brains mature, trying to make sense of life through the guidance of others still figuring out, we feel this aching desire to have meaning behind everything when there isn't. There is no more meaning than the meaning our species ascribe. Charlatans manipulate this human curiosity by prescribing an antidote they themselves wouldn't always buy. You'll hear it in sermons and outreaches, see it on billboards and throughout media:

"Come to Jesus all who are sick..." 

To many times religion claims that following a person (deity) or book(s) faithfully without doubt is honorable. One of the first and hardest things I went through while deconstructing was asking myself, "What does the Word really say? What does God really say? Who is God really?" 

The problem with religion is when those unfalsifiable beliefs become your blinders to reality. Reality is repeatedly and demonstratable, providing the same answer each time for everyone. This is impossible for spirituality not because of the apologetical claim of there being a supernatural, but due to its emotionally lead demeanor. I can open my Bible read a passage and get a whole different interpretation than my "brother/sister in Christ." Why? What method ensures we're on the same page? Hermeneutics? Language studies? Cultural and historical facts? Everyone has their opinion on what the Bible says, even each one of it's authors. 

Science and sound logic, on the other hand, is the best methodology we have in this reality. What is real is what can be observed; what is yet to be understood, is just yet to be scientifically observed. We can't start with a conclusion and move backwards; we can not say, "Look at the trees & stars, for they declare a Creator! A Designer! A God!" 

This isn't to say one can't be a Christian and practice science, they're not incompatible. What it is saying, is that Christianity lies. For the cross of Christ is the cost of your daily life, sacrificing your "evil" desires for His righteousness. Beckoning you in like a siren song, the grace you believe you don't deserve comes to entrap you. You are not your own, but the Master's. You belong to God. 

The language and attitude of Evangelical Christianity display many red flags not only through their love bombing, but deepities. The emotional draws heightened with an urgent plea seems to just project the pastor's inner desire for validation, purpose, and drive. Some Bible teachers simply make blanket statements to win as much of the crowd as they can, not worrying about any shread of evidence-based practices. 

"Cast your cares onto him who cares for you." How? How has he (God) shown he's cared? By taking your punishment of sin himself upon the cross? But is that justice, releasing the guilty party & punishing yourself? 

"God's ways are higher than our ways." How? Because we can't ever understand or can't ever know? "God gives generously to all who ask,"  doesn't he? Then why let cancer continue? Is cancer in children God's or Satan's doing? Isn't everything ordained by God-the good, bad, and even the ugly? Isn't justifying someone's "ugliness" evil? Then why do we do it for Yahwey? If we take the Bible at its word, the God of O.T has a higher body count than Satan. How is this somone worthy of my respect?

Truth is, they're not. It's frankly despicable to continue to serve the God of the Bible based on the Word's clear display of extreme narcissism and need for blood. It's nothing more than another blood cult. No one, not even a God, deserves unrelenting worship.

We are finite, fragile creatures on this spinning rock for only a short while. Embrace your existence, uniqueness, and beauty. If you're having trouble seeing or practicing these, it might be time to reevaluate who you're listening to. The brain synapses are most likely not a supernatural being speaking to you, but a tumbler of your family, friends, and culture.

Be kind to yourself because you deserve it. Why? 

YOLO. That's why.

Here's a couple YouTube sources that have helped me during my deconvertion. May they be of some help to you as well, blessings. 

Holy Koolaid

Forrest Valkai

Belief It or Not

Kristi Burke

 

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 2

"You know how much harm you have to cause to heal someone." -Forrest, The Atheist Experience 

Cults like to draw people in by appealing to their deepest desires-belonging, peace, confidence, love and so on. They offer a solution that has 'never been thought of before.' This is why no matter who you are, anyone can be fooled by a cult. A cult is defined not only by its beliefs being seperate from the current popular or large ones, but also by its isolation and new ways of thinking/living. It provides answers to our forever questions that can't be backed scientifically or logically. The purpose is to perpetuate the leader(s) ideology regardless of outside sources. 

This is in high contrast to science. Those who practice science are not the same as those who practice a religion-of which cults can sometimes fall under. Science involves multiple testing, peer review work, and is always open to criticisms and adjustments. Science is a continuation of learning, whereas, cults have a tendency to shut that down. Because of the culture cults create are so intertwined with an individual's identity it can seem like Plato's Allegory of the Cave is being performed before our very eyes. Science can alter lives for sure, both in negative (i.e bombs) and positive (i.e vaccines) ways. Science never claims to hold the meaning to life, but our knowledge in the fields of philosophy, psychology, and sociology can help us achieve a healthier future. 

Like in other tight knit groups, individuals in cults build deep bonds with the leader(s) and whom the leader(s) cherish. Emotional intimacy and in some cases, physical intimacy is established. The leader(s) is/are the  source of the group's joy and stability. The leader(s) know what say, when to say it, and how to say it (in some cases, their silence may speak for them). Followers are convinced to place boundaries against those whom they perhaps once trusted (i.e family and friends). This gives the leader(s) full access to control what their followers say, wear, and even act. The manipulation has brought the impressible brain to one of its lowest points in my opinion, and that is to forsake or be trained to hate one's individualism/humanity.

It's important to note that religions are not cults, but in extreme cases they can become one. Extremism in anything can have higher consequences than benefits. To the outside world religious fanatics are just that-extreme. But to those on the inside, it can feel like you're the only one who's found the lifeboat in this sinking ocean called life. When I was a Christian, I was taught:

1 Corinthians 1:18 (NIV)

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 

And

Hebrew 6:4

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace." 

In addition to:

Matthew 4:7

"Jesus answered him (the devil), “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test." 

John 20:29b

"...blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

And last but not last, 

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." 

God-forbid (joke) someone read these verses out of context and apply them to their modern day doctrine.

Did you catch the language being used here? Do you see the conclusions that someone could draw?= Only we (the insiders) are wise/have the truth, only those who are/were truly "saved" remain faithful, and believe no matter what.

Cults teach the same thing. If you are more afraid of the consequences for asking questions and/or ever leaving your "faith," then that this a red flag. It's also a sign of an abusive relationship. 

In the extreme branch of Christianity I was in, with my own spin on the religion, and mixed with influencal people, I can now see how it taught me to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Not only are some Christian churches in the wrong for denying divorce and worse, blaming the victim and normalizing domestic violence/sexual assault situations, but their sermons, music, and studies can exhibit signs of emotionally abuse. Many Christians try but are unsuccessful in answering, "Why, if there is a god(s) does he/they allow bad things to happen." Shall we be reminded of Epicurus' quote? If the god I was taught exists, then as The Atheist Experience show likes to say, "He's an asshole." Even if somehow this "god" is stripped of their supernatural powers and still wanted to be my BFF (best friend forever), I'd be cautious. Instead the Christian god is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present and we still have children with cancer. "But God loves you! Jesus died for you! He resurrected for you!" Is it wrong for me to ask prove it? 

Rather than just being a moral booster and mythological stories with lessons mixed with history, my (cultish) religion became my whole life. I literally went to an all girls retreat as a teenager called The Revolve Tour where we were challenged with: are our lives truly revolving around God?! Instead of honing in on math or science, which I enjoyed, I believed there was no greater job I could do than to tell others about Jesus. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life, the great Shepard, the wonderful counsel, the King of kings, the Lord of lords, my Savior, Lover, Best Friend, Husband, brother, teacher, mentor, idol... If I disobey, I recrucify him and cause the Holy Spirit to grieve. What kind of person am I to hurt the one person who did the impossible for me? This shame of wounding him that loved me so much to bear the horrors of the cross led me to self-harm, depression, and suicidal tendencies. I thought since I would never be rid of my sinful nature, it was better to just be with the Lord. Thankfully, like with Job & Jonah, I felt/believed God challenged me to stay alive. I had a mission after all! This is how we/I pleased Him-not by dying physically, but emotionally-and not just once but daily! "He must become greater and greater and I must become less and less." -John 3:30 was our goal, our mission, our identity and essentially our downfall. 

Picking up the pieces after shattering the religious identity is a process. Remember those days of old when you first embarked on the journey that led you into that cult. Your questions about the meaning of life and its value still exist; how are you going to respond to them? Remember how much time it took to be convinced that this cult was worth investing into? It's probably going to take double that amount of time to deprogram it all. Be gracious and patient with yourself. If you need help and community, here are some rad sources below:

Leaving Religion Org & Their Resources

The Atheist Experience

Some other sources based on topics mentioned: 

Handout

Anyone can be in cult

Cult psychology

History about cults

cult leader personalities

cults and religion

the book I'll be reading...

Signs of Emotional abuse

science and religion

science different from faith

example of Christian propaganda

 Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 1 

YOUTH GROUPS

This blog began as a way for me to share how Jesus had revolutionized my life. My very first post is my "testimony." At the age of twelve, I was invited to join a youth group by my cousin. This group offered what I was missing-adventures, concerts, support, and inclusion. I came from an unhappy home and as a child wanted to commit suicide. My youth leader and sponsors at this new church presented the Gospel in a way I hadn't heard before. The message, 'Jesus wanted a relationship with me.'

Despite other teenagers calling us a cult, my Mom becoming concerned, and stickers agreeing with the statement that "we were brainwashed" because of Romans 12:1-2, I was a proud "Jesus Freak." From junior high all the way to receiving a Master's Degree, I was sold. Because of my extreme beliefs of what it meant to be a “true Christian,” I missed out on social opportunities, became weary of science, amplified my Borderline Disorder, and became unequipped for practical living.

I’m not talking about a going to church every Sunday, doing charity work, and singing in the choir type of Christian. No, I’m talking about the ‘I’m going to leave EVERYTHING and follow Jesus’ Christian. Youth Group was the fun and energetic just for kids church. When I got invited to the one I became a member of for six years, I was drawn in by fog machines, stage lights, talented musicians, funny games, and how the leader could talk about the Bible in a relevant way. These were the years of Adventure & Duct-taped Bibles. We were “challenged” to experience life in a way we hadn’t before; we were molded into something we were never meant to be.

If we examined the Evangelical Christian Youth Group which I was a part of according to Psychology Today’s post “12 Signs That Someone May be Involved in Cult” I would answer them as such:

1. The Big Idea-Presenting Jesus in a fun, relational, much-needed thing to have. To have Him, you must surrender your life (way of doing and thinking about things) and submit to the Spirit. Why wouldn’t you want to do this for the person who loved you so much to take away the sins you committed against God, your creator?

2. Love-Bombing-Jesus doesn’t just love you, He likes you. Since we are “heirs of Christ” we share in the royal status, we are ‘princes and princesses.’ We are the ‘chosen.’ God honors those who serve Him, all things work for the good for those who love Him. The church is Christ’s bride, we are cherished above all else.

3. A New Life-2 Cor 5:17 “Behold the old has gone and the new has come! Therefore anyone who is in Christ is a new creation.” We must be reborn, baptized even. We must have the fruit of the spirit. You are a little Christ. You are “god-image bearers,” the only chance someone might see Jesus today. You are set apart, called holy, and sanctified. Live like you have been saved or else it's like you’re crucifying Jesus all over again

4. Growth- Once you’re “saved or rededicated or reborn” you don’t just poof to heaven because God has a mission for you. You must study His word, the Holy Bible, to find out the solutions to everyday problems. It is your life support, your milk. You get into a group with like-minded (and same-gendered) people to hold each other accountable to this new lifestyle. You go on retreats to strengthen your walk with Christ. You fast to better meditate on scripture.

5. Rights of Passage-If you loved Jesus and loved getting your peers to experience what you have found join the ministry team. Wow, you’re so good at that skill we needed you to fill in for, how about you become a small group leader? Wow, people look up to you, why not become a sponsor? Then if you get all your credentials from a seminary you may be as lucky as a WASPM (white-anglo saxon protestant man) to become a pastor. 

6. Isolution-Don’t go to that or this church because they teach things this and that way which is against what the Bible says here and there. You are a city on a hill, a light not easily broken, clothed in armor Satan himself can not defeat.

7. Hate-Bonding-we’re being persecuted because the Bible says the world hates us. We hate the sin, love the sinner. We will do anything to help the world see they are blinded.

8.  Traitors-Joyce Meyers is a  great author but she’s too prideful. Rob Bell is a great speaker but misinterprets the Bible. The 700 club makes Christianity look boring. America has numb Christians, most Christians don’t even read their own Bibles! Those who leave prove they were never saved to begin with.

9. Witch Hunts-Satan has disguised himself as an angel of light deceiving the world. It is us vs. them. How far will you go to prove Jesus is your all in all? Will you be the next Mother Teresa, Jim Elliot, Andy Stanley? What we invest our time into we become; who our friends are we soon mirror. Do you really want to be “left behind”?

10. Persecution Paranoia-in my youth group’s case, we were being hammered with how rumors, lies, and gossip would destroy us all. When in reality, it was to cover up a sex predator. The youth group severed over loyalty to this person. 

11. Attack-in my youth group’s case once the truth finally came out, the pastors told us not to talk about it. We questioned not only our past with these people but also what the future would mean. How could someone “so godly” do something so horrible? Were all sins truly the same? Why was this covered up for so long? What else haven’t we been told? Was everything just a ruse?   

12. Final Conflict-many left youth group and the church. Many still defended the culprit. Many just said fuck it…

But not me. I stayed in the faith for another ten years. I repeated the cycle over and over again. I was taught that our allegiance was to a God whom we could not see, not man. I was humbled because I put my youth leaders on a pedestal where they did not belong. I continued to witness three more churches with sexual misconduct, the fall of Mark Driscoll, and other “brothers & sisters” following a racist Christian president before I left. Christianity wasn’t my religion, it was my life thanks to my youth group. 

And thanks to my youth group and those following, I now grow weary and skeptical of ever joining officially labeled groups. I despise the fact that we encourage our children to go to such events if we don’t know everything that’s being taught. As an adult who’s stepped away from Christianity, I can now see how my youth group’s tactics were similar to other cults. We had our own “godly” language, clothing, attitudes, politics, and music. We can’t ignore that the evangelical movement is making children drink the…(you get the point). Too much of a good thing can be bad and in this case, it was Jesus.

BPD & Christianity Part 3

 Continuation of Part 2 on Identity

What’s the ideal self? Why? And who defines it?

It seems to me that it is a mythological notion made into a standard that we can always be in perfect harmony or in line with a specific mindset and lifestyle presented as the BEST or ONLY mindset and lifestyle.

It sounds to me like a well-disguised cult. 

"Know thy self!" People have shouted since philosophy hit the scene. 

That’s what religion is for, right? To know our TRUE SELF?! The major religions teach something greater than ourselves is out there, can be known, and should be worshiped to gain something physical and/or metaphysical. In my seminary Spiritual Formation classes we discussed at quite some length about the I to Thou conception. We know ourselves in relation to others (ex: I am a child. She is a mother. They are my uncle. He is my cousin.) However, from the beginning, we are broken, sinful, deserving of hell, created in God’s image, and fallen perfection. "The Bible tells me so." We can not reflect holiness, goodness, or righteousness between each other because of this error in the story. We need to take on the image of Him who had no sin, yet “became sin” to save us. Jesus loves me. Jesus take the wheel. Jesus t-shirt. Jesus mask. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus!

Christianity teaches me to lay myself down…crucify myself so that I may actually live. (Gal. 2:20). 

“No pain! No gain!” Bonnie mocked as we brought up the topic of me joining Junior High Cross Country. She didn’t think I could do it. In fact, I hated running. I had tried to get fit many times before; making promises to myself and others that I would “change” the following week…month…or year. I needed to change. I was chubby. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t strong. I had thick hips, unruly hair, and “man hands” like my Mom. Why was I joining this physical sport? To prove her wrong. So she said this to warn me…motivate me…mock me? Who was I trying to impress? The guys at school who couldn’t remember my name but liked the outfit I was in? Or so that the guy I really fantasized about would HAVE TO take notice of me? 

I secretly loved this notion of HAVING TO do something. This set of rules, standards, and outlines that I could follow every second of every day would be perfect. Tell me what to do! 

Why? Because I don’t trust myself. In fact, I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I take sharp objects against it until my favorite color appears. I’m disconnected. Dysregulated. Longing to be disembodied. And as much as I had gained in becoming a “child of God,” I further lost that trust in myself. Churches shout this is good; my psychotherapy bill said otherwise.

My childhood already taught me to suppress my emotions; “giving it to Jesus” and “letting go letting God” was just another way of doing so. 

My childhood already showed me that withdrawing was a way to protect myself; “retreating to my Strongtower” to me now just seems like a fancier way of me talking to my imaginary sister Samanthe. Of course, that’s blasphemy. 

                                               {...cutting people off people

                                                          ….patterns of unstable relationships}

So what does all of this hot mess do when confronted with her desires that conflict with those of the sect she belongs to? Since I was not given a new coping mechanism (as established), I resorted to my old patterns. What do I mean? 

The “Living Water” flowing through me was more precious than my very blood. 

I cut off friendships…but oh how I prayed for them! I cut off from my family…because “whoever loves their father & mother greater than I is not worthy” (Matt. 10:37)! I cut off relationships…because they're simply not THE ONE. 

The problem with bringing in that which is “bigger/greater than ourselves” is that we little by little chip away at the fact that we had some power to begin with. We’re taught that certain things are bad; thus, those who do them are bad. And just like that segregation is born. My old friends gossiped, lied, cheated, stole. Whereas my Christian friends gossipped I mean prayed and cared about my walk with Christ. My family, no, my country, had Christianity alllll wrong. iT’s NoT a ReLiGiOn, iTs a ReLaTiOnShiP.

Let's speed up a few years-I’m in college, states away from my hometown, and have my first boyfriend. He’s so good to me. He cooks for me. He opens the door for me. He listens to me. He pushes me off of him when I want to have sex because he knows how important marriage is to me first. Only problem-he’s Hindu. He’s not the one. Next, we have a guy at work who is smooth with words and can always conjure up a phrase that cuts to you quick. He’s too business and doesn’t do conflict. He also thinks the Old Testament was mainly fictional. He has to go. The next is a guy I cheat with to get back at the last guy for being an asshole. This one years later after off and on again sex threatens to shoot up heroin if you don’t come visit. But he also was the one who said, “Please don’t cut yourself when you go home” after we left the hotel hours later. Before I’m physical with anyone I spend years camming and DMing strangers around the world. 

Christianity taught me to hate my body, but sexuality was trying to revive it…to help me really feel…to get what I rarely received-physical touch, appraisal, and admiration. 

BPD & Christianity

My religion: none

My sanity: some

I recognize learning

I grasp relatively

I bask in a temporary thing

This moment I'm alive

Tomorrow or tonight I might die

Maturity takes time

Live in the now

My greatest desire: love

My greatest failure: Myself 

Relax these muscles

Forget mistakes

Anger target: this brain

Escaping is my middle name

Chasing my own tail

Screaming melodies

Dancing without company

-(random poem constructed while riding the train to work, 2023)

I've recently been assigned to a new therapist 

since my last one didn't specialize in trauma.

As our first session wraps up she asks

if I've ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. 

She believes I resemble a lot of the symptoms.

My friends and I disagree; 

hell, we even know people with BPD.

I'm nothing like them.

But I do research anyway.

I read and watch videos anyway.

I learn that BPD has four subgroups.

And I relate heavily with

Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.

For the majority of my life, I have considered myself to be a Christian. I was so "Christian" that I wouldn't say I was Christian; I would say: "I'm a Christ-Follower." 

Raised in a Lutheran church from womb to junior high and basically evangelism from the age of twelve to twenty-nine.

Jesus was my everything. 

I have scars to prove it.

Although BPD would not be officially diagnosed to someone below the age of eighteen, that does not rule out the presence of these cycles. Both genetics and environment contribute.

My home life as a child was chaotic.

I have little doubt 

that the alcoholism, explosive anger, and string of relationships 

weren't symptoms of my Mom suffering from it as well.

 

BPD is common

and largely misunderstood.

No two people with BPD will be alike,

but share:

 emotional irregularities

  fear of abandonment,

patterns of unstable relationships,

rapid changes in self-identity,

feeling of emptiness

long periods of paranoia,

and harmful behavior.

As I have gotten older and $54,000 in seminary debt, I have come to understand why psychologically I wanted/needed Christianity. I longed for stability...for a father figure...for unconditional love...for a constant friend. I was a contemporary, radical Christian bred in the Midwest. Jesus wasn't just packaged and sold to me before I could spell commodity, but worse, convinced me that this relationship (not religion) was the "true reality" before I could understand what cults were.

Before and during the period in my life when I clung to my duct-tapped Bible, I suffered from depression and anxiety. Before I got sucked into and perpetuated the Evangelical Christian Purity Culture, I "punished" myself for masturbating. To be fair, I was surrounded by remnants of the Puritans-W.A.S.Ps (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants). I was given the internal message that I wasn't good enough long before a Pastor hosted an alter-call. Hair pulling transformed into pinching and biting my own skin during some of my more intense emotional states. 

Symptoms of high-functioning

or quiet BPD are:

having those intense mode swings internally,

suppressing the anger,

self-harm

withdrawing when upset,

cutting people off,

blaming self in conflicts,

persistent feelings of guilt and shame,

feeling like a burden to others,

people-pleasing,

social anxiety

I see how my personality disorder has been both helped and hindered through my now ex-faith. 

God saw me and loved me to the core

and at my core, I was like a

"a used tampon" (Is.64:6)

because of my sins.

SELF HATE

I have the Holy Spirit inside of me

guiding and teaching me

but I dare not grieve it

or put out its flame!

Inside me there is always a battle,

my evil (selfish) nature

and this nature they say God desires.

UNSTABLE IDENTITY

Why would someone take the punishment I deserved?

Jesus did nothing wrong; I'm the one who sinned

So I hurt myself.

I hurt myself time and time again.

If only a little bit could give me a taste of what He did,

what I deserved.

SELF HARM

How does someone share their 

heart with another human

when no one else will ever love them

like our Heavenly Father?

How does one share their body in a holy manner

outside of marriage? 

CUTTING PEOPLE OFF

UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS

God was my refuge,

my "all in all" (cue hand motions).

No one knew me like He did

and no one ever would.

WITHDRAWAL

I was 'blessed and called'

to be missionary

-I heard God's voice many, many, many times!

My family, my town, my country

had gotten Christianity wrong

(according to my new branch)

I was here to serve. Period.

PEOPLE PLEASER

"To bear a ring of power is to be alone. 

This task was appointed to you. 

And if you do not find a way, no one will.”

-(Galadriel, LOTR)

God had appointed me.

And I had to give the world what they needed.

SHAME & GUILT

SOCIAL ANXIETY

These superstitions that I called doctrine were so snuggly wrapped around me that I lost sight of me...did I ever have a me to begin with?...what is me now?

These are just small and broad ways my BPD showed up through the years. I will paint a much fuller picture with the hopes of publishing my memoir called, I'll Soak in the Sun Through The Cement: leaving a small city mindset & religious background

I will work through and come out of Borderline Personality Disorder a healthier person just like I did leaving Christianity. 

Thanks for listening. 

If you feel like you would like to learn more about BPD, here are some of the links I used:

Mayo Clinic 

EggshellTherapy

Dr. Fox

MedCircle

Therapy in a Nutshell

I would love to hear about your journey with self-discovery and healing, especially if you've left the church. Blessings, my fellow humans.