God Loves You But

"God loves you but needs you to love him or else." 

"God doesn't need anything. We need him."

"Says him."

Choosing the Christian God is choosing to go backwards in society. The god described in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible is full of jealousy, pride, and vengeance. He is bloodthirsty and acts like any other god that we-Christians/exChristians/ Americans, were taught were idols. This god, identifying himself as YHWH ("I am who I am."  Ex. 3:14), is ok with slavery (Ex. 21), genocide (1 Sam 15), incest (Gen 19), lying (Abraham & Sarah), and destroying people's lives to win a bet (Lot). These traits are noted for being more of our "primitive" or "survival-brain;" thus, not utilizing our prefrontal cortex where logic lives. 

Logic has evolved like everything else; as we grow we mature. Maturity is crowned as having a rational mind chastened by patience. Logic has helped us stop, breathe, and ask, "Why am I triggered right now?" Logic helps us uncover truths by asking more questions; it acknowledges wisdom is a process. Logic says, "Stop, how did we get here and why?" 

No matter the context, oppression of your and others autonomy isn't generally viewed as moral. But YHWH commands your worship, love, and unrelenting gratitude or else. This god is taught as not needing it because (some) doctrines preach he's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good despite how humans may describe healthy versions of these attributes. He gets to define the words and pull the strings. And even after he's taken (I mean allowed Satan to take) everything away from you, you are the one still expected to say, "Woe is me a lowly sinner desperate of grace."

 

This gaslighting behavior is typical from narcissistic personalities. As Christians it's prideful to think you are without sin and blasphemous to think god is ever in the wrong. God denies being evil, reverses the blame onto humans (the generational curse of sin), attacks whole people groups instead of just the guilty party, claims he is the victim you owe pure blood to, and is offended you would even question his authority. Modern psychology has given this DARVO model to protect ourselves. When will we use it to protect use from our Abusive Heavenly Father?

"God isn't abusive! He gives us exactly what we deserve!" 

"Why you do you believe this?"

"Humans are evil, just look around.

"We can do horrendous things yes, but every animal also does the same."

Christians are taught that the New Testament trumps the old because Jesus' redemptive blood was the sacrament needed to fulfill the hundreds of laws god originally commanded (but knew we couldn't keep). These two persons of the Holy Trinity contradict. YHWH is full of bloodlust while Jesus-despite saying "he did not come to bring peace but a sword" Matt. 10:34, shows justice by laying down his life. But modern-day sciences trump all three persons and their solutions to problems. 

 

Psychology teaches forgiveness is a mental choice, not a command. Logical fallacies highlight the errors in Pascal's Wager and anthropology the congruency between religions. The truth is the Father can't be falsified, the Son can't be verified, and the Holy Spirit is just hypothesized. This "divinity inside us" is said to guide, teach, remind, and empower; any good seen within you in said to be God alone. Yet, despite all technological advancements there hasn't been concrete proof of a Spirit within humans. What is typically assigned to the spirit's traits are literally just chemical synapses in the brain of a walking meatsac. What we know through biology gives us more power than the Holy Spirit ever will. 

So before you walk up for an alter call, say the sinners prayer, or attend a church revival ask yourself: can I receive what I am getting in this setting from somewhere else and lose less? 

Yes. 

God loves you but you suck, according to him. According to the "secular," you're just human.

Hard Life Lessons

I've had to learn over the years that my triggers are my responsibility. Although I can do my best to communicate in my relationships when conflicts arise, I've come to realize most people didn't have a parent screaming at them when anything uncomfortable came up. Even though everyone has a different love language so to speak (i.e ways they feel most respected, honored, cared for) there's a common thread on what love looks like among all. Love is kind, patient, gentle...love is a mother caring for her child even when she felt like no one loved her. Love is sometimes forgiving, sometimes boundaries, sometimes no contact. Love is accepting all of who I am.

I am my mother's daughter; a mix of two worlds, two cultures, two races. I was the first granddaughter, the first black child in a historically German family. I am her mother's granddaughter, shoved off to the side and left to daydream soaking in Illinois heat. I took on the faces they desired- gentle, quiet, and submissive because mine was too loud, annoying, or simply too much. I copied from those I received love from so perhaps I could be just as loved. But every time I mimicked someone else, I felt the stabbing criticism, "Don't do that!" 

Who was I? Who am I? Am I not just all of them?

I catch myself being heated with impatience like my mother when the AC doesn't kick in fast enough. Years of therapy and healthy communities have taught me to breathe, focus on what I can control, and to be ok with the tension knowing it won't last forever. I catch myself breaking down in tears whenever a friend slams the door because Mom had always assumed I had an attitude when I did. This caused her to scream at me until I did develop an attitude. I need to remember my friends didn't have a snarling, intoxicated mother barking back, "Stop your crying now or I'll give you something to cry about." Instead, I know I deserve and give myself the love I need in those tender moments.

A hug, a gentle whisper, a warm caress was something I rarely remember receiving. Sometimes this led to my love being unreadable; I tucked away my great affections because I was afraid to scare my partners away.

It's my turn to be my own parent; yet, with me leaving my "Heavenly Father" (i.e Christian cult) I'm wanting to live my "rebellious teenage years." In so many ways I'm still a child, but this body has aged and the aches aren't ceasing. It's time to be my own caretaker, I have to make the money to buy the medication to be mentally well to maintain this misery. The Mother of the family I lived with after I was kicked out of my home was right, I do have to learn to not lean on people.

I'm so many people at different ages, perhaps that's the reason I just drift off and stair into space.

Disassociating most likely occured when the domestic violence at home began when I was in first grade. I had to walk on eggshells around my Mother so much so that I couldn't always see how this led to laying down the red carpet for everyone else. Like the eager gratitude I longed to give Christ for saving me, I'd fall into love bombing (something certainly not helped from the evangelical youth group culture). My attachments were more than either of us (me, my crush, and everyone I told about my crush) could handle. A parasitic kind of love, disguised like a puppy. 

I wanted someone to tell me who I was, tell me what to do, where to go, when and why. 

The worst relationships tended to be ones that shined upon the naturalistic human in me and not the religious fascade. I'm still just a mammal learning to do life, love, and logic along with every one else. Blunt individuals similar to my Mother let me know when I hurt them because they knew talking things out could lead to a healthier relationship. The difference now was I actually had the other party willing to listen and not say " I get the final word not you." My hurts and hangups slithered through my obsessive relationships like a poison. "Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough?" These were internal inquiries I had to establish before understanding that being told "you hurt me" does not equal "you need to die."

In addition this multifaceted being that I am, I've also learned more about what it means to be on the spectrum, which I feel myself and some family members are. This corresponds to how we've miss read each other and shamed each other's stimming. My Mom's combition of (possible) BPD, OCD, and being on the spectrum is a triple threat for the need to control everything. As I've become more intune with my body, I've learned a couple of my stims are repeating audio (i.e songs) and shaking my legs- both of which severely annoyed Mom. After years of therapy and reading more about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I've learned to relinquish that need for control and impress. The only person I can control and impress is myself. Despite being a mosaic of those around me, I'm the sole perpetrator. I need to take accountability to continue relationships; yet, fear loves to have me hide from responsibility and shame smiles when I become stuck in the same toxic patterns. There is no magic prayer that can guide my path, no Lord or monsters to appease. I have to do this for me; I have to continue on for me.

Self reflection reminds me that this too-loving myself and others, is a balance. 

I don't have to do anything; I get to. It's not about winning, but the self-journey. The greatest gift to give oneself is confidence. I'm not in a race with anyone and timelines for healing are like looping rollercoasters. 

I know how awful life can be, this is why I look upon all living things with such awe. All I have is here and now; how will I live it? With no regrets.

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 4

"Christianity saved me only to bury me."  

Recapping some of our previous points: 

1. Anything can be cult 

2. Cults can be identified by: 

     - teaching a type of separation from the main culture (us v. them, good v. evil, truth v. lies)

     -  instating distinctual attire & attitudes to denote membership (uniformity, rules, codes, ethics, boundaries)

     - lead by charismatic, lovable, authoritative teachers (viewed as holy or most intelligent)

      - can be on a spectrum of unhealthiness (ex: a sports team cult following v. Jim Jones)

3. Religions were cults that gained the most traction over the centuries and Evangelical Christianity today can be an example of such

4. Anyone can fall victim to a cult

5. It's all just another sales pitch (either convincing you of a problem you don't have or selling a cure all solution)

As a past Jesus Freak, I wholeheartedly and unashamedly professed that I was a sinner saved by grace alone. As a past Jesus follower, I rightfully and joyfully laid down my life daily for the Holy Spirit to do His bidding. 

Now, on the flip side. I see how Christianity-my version anyway, had built its empire upon a foundation of projection. 

The feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and fear are common to our species. As our brains mature, trying to make sense of life through the guidance of others still figuring out, we feel this aching desire to have meaning behind everything when there isn't. There is no more meaning than the meaning our species ascribe. Charlatans manipulate this human curiosity by prescribing an antidote they themselves wouldn't always buy. You'll hear it in sermons and outreaches, see it on billboards and throughout media:

"Come to Jesus all who are sick..." 

To many times religion claims that following a person (deity) or book(s) faithfully without doubt is honorable. One of the first and hardest things I went through while deconstructing was asking myself, "What does the Word really say? What does God really say? Who is God really?" 

The problem with religion is when those unfalsifiable beliefs become your blinders to reality. Reality is repeatedly and demonstratable, providing the same answer each time for everyone. This is impossible for spirituality not because of the apologetical claim of there being a supernatural, but due to its emotionally lead demeanor. I can open my Bible read a passage and get a whole different interpretation than my "brother/sister in Christ." Why? What method ensures we're on the same page? Hermeneutics? Language studies? Cultural and historical facts? Everyone has their opinion on what the Bible says, even each one of it's authors. 

Science and sound logic, on the other hand, is the best methodology we have in this reality. What is real is what can be observed; what is yet to be understood, is just yet to be scientifically observed. We can't start with a conclusion and move backwards; we can not say, "Look at the trees & stars, for they declare a Creator! A Designer! A God!" 

This isn't to say one can't be a Christian and practice science, they're not incompatible. What it is saying, is that Christianity lies. For the cross of Christ is the cost of your daily life, sacrificing your "evil" desires for His righteousness. Beckoning you in like a siren song, the grace you believe you don't deserve comes to entrap you. You are not your own, but the Master's. You belong to God. 

The language and attitude of Evangelical Christianity display many red flags not only through their love bombing, but deepities. The emotional draws heightened with an urgent plea seems to just project the pastor's inner desire for validation, purpose, and drive. Some Bible teachers simply make blanket statements to win as much of the crowd as they can, not worrying about any shread of evidence-based practices. 

"Cast your cares onto him who cares for you." How? How has he (God) shown he's cared? By taking your punishment of sin himself upon the cross? But is that justice, releasing the guilty party & punishing yourself? 

"God's ways are higher than our ways." How? Because we can't ever understand or can't ever know? "God gives generously to all who ask,"  doesn't he? Then why let cancer continue? Is cancer in children God's or Satan's doing? Isn't everything ordained by God-the good, bad, and even the ugly? Isn't justifying someone's "ugliness" evil? Then why do we do it for Yahwey? If we take the Bible at its word, the God of O.T has a higher body count than Satan. How is this somone worthy of my respect?

Truth is, they're not. It's frankly despicable to continue to serve the God of the Bible based on the Word's clear display of extreme narcissism and need for blood. It's nothing more than another blood cult. No one, not even a God, deserves unrelenting worship.

We are finite, fragile creatures on this spinning rock for only a short while. Embrace your existence, uniqueness, and beauty. If you're having trouble seeing or practicing these, it might be time to reevaluate who you're listening to. The brain synapses are most likely not a supernatural being speaking to you, but a tumbler of your family, friends, and culture.

Be kind to yourself because you deserve it. Why? 

YOLO. That's why.

Here's a couple YouTube sources that have helped me during my deconvertion. May they be of some help to you as well, blessings. 

Holy Koolaid

Forrest Valkai

Belief It or Not

Kristi Burke

 

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 3

 Language, Attire, & Othering

"It all goes down to language; you just have to know what to listen for."

-Cultish by Amanda Montell

Every group has a unique way of communicating. We echo each other inside a chamber. From language to symbols, art to dress we create mini versions of those we idolize. Groups provide the community, stability, and protection our species needs. Montell repeats what numerous sociologists have said before her: we are social beings; we are wired for community. 

It takes a brave and wonderous mind to step outside of their box to ask: But does this all make sense? Does it matter? What is truth?

Recently I have been listening to the call-in show The Line or The Atheist Experience on YouTube. The Theist callers remind me of myself. The show has made me more aware of how a belief system, such as Evangelical Christianity, can be illogical. 

It makes sense that humans gravitate towards groups, but the group can not be the end-all-be-all. We can not lose our self of individualism if we only have one life to live. We can deconstruct this "cultish by nature" or fear of alienation, as the author notes, by examining the language used.

"With words, we breathe reality into being."

Montell highlights three ways cults use language: 

1. omission
2. distortion
3. lies

Callers and I claimed that faith is greater or "in a different realm" than logic. However, faith defined by the Holy Bible is "confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see." (Heb.11:1). We willing accept, praise, admire, and preach blind faith. Faith is nothing more than a wish. It lacks evidence and clings to smoke. 

I was drowning in Theism and wanted everyone along with me. Here is just a small example of how our language was different: Pouring It Out Like Salt. Terms like, "in my heart," "in the Word," and "tempted" were also common. In my experience, Evangelical Christianity flips the script and is proud of it. They are proud to see the world in a "different light"-we'd even sing songs about being "in the Light" (i.e. Jesus). 

But like a lot of religions, they omit the fact that faith is not logic, distort the importance of it, and lie that it will save you from eternal punishment. 

Faith was my everything; here's another post to explain how important it is in Christianity -Faith Culture. Faith is the foundation built on the sand, not the rock.

It is because of faith that we believed that we were to be holy as God is holy. We revealed this in dress as well. The language from Purity Culture stings just as much as its practices and principles. Clothing couldn't be flashy, revealing, short, or tight. No bra straps, cleavage, upper thigh, and god, forbid any ass to show! I once came to a crux with this doctrine when my doctor told me I needed to start letting my breasts breathe due to a rash buildup. How are people with big boobs supposed to fit into this box? 

Dress is meant for you to stand out just as much as it is made to make you fit in. Depending on the sect of Christianity one is from you can find attire that is as strict as the Amish to the casual, hip youth leaders with ripped jeans. Special clothing and designs can be seen from the roots of Judaism to seasonal garbs of the Pegan holidays. In my Lutheran Church, we had to wear long white robes with tassels. In Baptist churches, I had to make sure I wore the best of the best because we were taught that's what God deserved, especially in His house. When I volunteered at churches in Kentucky, we had to wear long skirts and shirts with sleeves.

Clothing brands you. Language controls you. Faith can harm you.

After the language and clothing are in place, it becomes much easier to "other" the rest of the world. I'm clean. You're not. I'm worthy. You're not. I'm saved. You're not. We are swept away from reality into a world we're made to believe is the Truth. We exchange our questions for unjustifiable answers and our individuality for a chance at Heaven.

My Mom despised the fact that I acted like I was better than everyone else because I didn't swear, gossip, curse, or get into trouble. Classmates outside my circle saw my church for what is was-just another cult. Inside the church I thought I was "trading my sorrows, trading my shame." Instead, I was laying myself down to die. Christianity boasts about crucifying the self because the flesh is corrupt and the soul is broken, but people need to know that this is just their language and is not reality.

I was a Christian for almost thirty years. It's hard to deconstruct your identity after so long, but it is so worth it. I believe in free speech, but tact. I believe in wearing what we want to wear but with respect to the occasion. If there is anything to take away from Christianity let it be: treat others how you wanna be treated, not brainwash them into your control. 

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 2

"You know how much harm you have to cause to heal someone." -Forrest, The Atheist Experience 

Cults like to draw people in by appealing to their deepest desires-belonging, peace, confidence, love and so on. They offer a solution that has 'never been thought of before.' This is why no matter who you are, anyone can be fooled by a cult. A cult is defined not only by its beliefs being seperate from the current popular or large ones, but also by its isolation and new ways of thinking/living. It provides answers to our forever questions that can't be backed scientifically or logically. The purpose is to perpetuate the leader(s) ideology regardless of outside sources. 

This is in high contrast to science. Those who practice science are not the same as those who practice a religion-of which cults can sometimes fall under. Science involves multiple testing, peer review work, and is always open to criticisms and adjustments. Science is a continuation of learning, whereas, cults have a tendency to shut that down. Because of the culture cults create are so intertwined with an individual's identity it can seem like Plato's Allegory of the Cave is being performed before our very eyes. Science can alter lives for sure, both in negative (i.e bombs) and positive (i.e vaccines) ways. Science never claims to hold the meaning to life, but our knowledge in the fields of philosophy, psychology, and sociology can help us achieve a healthier future. 

Like in other tight knit groups, individuals in cults build deep bonds with the leader(s) and whom the leader(s) cherish. Emotional intimacy and in some cases, physical intimacy is established. The leader(s) is/are the  source of the group's joy and stability. The leader(s) know what say, when to say it, and how to say it (in some cases, their silence may speak for them). Followers are convinced to place boundaries against those whom they perhaps once trusted (i.e family and friends). This gives the leader(s) full access to control what their followers say, wear, and even act. The manipulation has brought the impressible brain to one of its lowest points in my opinion, and that is to forsake or be trained to hate one's individualism/humanity.

It's important to note that religions are not cults, but in extreme cases they can become one. Extremism in anything can have higher consequences than benefits. To the outside world religious fanatics are just that-extreme. But to those on the inside, it can feel like you're the only one who's found the lifeboat in this sinking ocean called life. When I was a Christian, I was taught:

1 Corinthians 1:18 (NIV)

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 

And

Hebrew 6:4

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace." 

In addition to:

Matthew 4:7

"Jesus answered him (the devil), “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test." 

John 20:29b

"...blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

And last but not last, 

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." 

God-forbid (joke) someone read these verses out of context and apply them to their modern day doctrine.

Did you catch the language being used here? Do you see the conclusions that someone could draw?= Only we (the insiders) are wise/have the truth, only those who are/were truly "saved" remain faithful, and believe no matter what.

Cults teach the same thing. If you are more afraid of the consequences for asking questions and/or ever leaving your "faith," then that this a red flag. It's also a sign of an abusive relationship. 

In the extreme branch of Christianity I was in, with my own spin on the religion, and mixed with influencal people, I can now see how it taught me to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Not only are some Christian churches in the wrong for denying divorce and worse, blaming the victim and normalizing domestic violence/sexual assault situations, but their sermons, music, and studies can exhibit signs of emotionally abuse. Many Christians try but are unsuccessful in answering, "Why, if there is a god(s) does he/they allow bad things to happen." Shall we be reminded of Epicurus' quote? If the god I was taught exists, then as The Atheist Experience show likes to say, "He's an asshole." Even if somehow this "god" is stripped of their supernatural powers and still wanted to be my BFF (best friend forever), I'd be cautious. Instead the Christian god is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present and we still have children with cancer. "But God loves you! Jesus died for you! He resurrected for you!" Is it wrong for me to ask prove it? 

Rather than just being a moral booster and mythological stories with lessons mixed with history, my (cultish) religion became my whole life. I literally went to an all girls retreat as a teenager called The Revolve Tour where we were challenged with: are our lives truly revolving around God?! Instead of honing in on math or science, which I enjoyed, I believed there was no greater job I could do than to tell others about Jesus. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life, the great Shepard, the wonderful counsel, the King of kings, the Lord of lords, my Savior, Lover, Best Friend, Husband, brother, teacher, mentor, idol... If I disobey, I recrucify him and cause the Holy Spirit to grieve. What kind of person am I to hurt the one person who did the impossible for me? This shame of wounding him that loved me so much to bear the horrors of the cross led me to self-harm, depression, and suicidal tendencies. I thought since I would never be rid of my sinful nature, it was better to just be with the Lord. Thankfully, like with Job & Jonah, I felt/believed God challenged me to stay alive. I had a mission after all! This is how we/I pleased Him-not by dying physically, but emotionally-and not just once but daily! "He must become greater and greater and I must become less and less." -John 3:30 was our goal, our mission, our identity and essentially our downfall. 

Picking up the pieces after shattering the religious identity is a process. Remember those days of old when you first embarked on the journey that led you into that cult. Your questions about the meaning of life and its value still exist; how are you going to respond to them? Remember how much time it took to be convinced that this cult was worth investing into? It's probably going to take double that amount of time to deprogram it all. Be gracious and patient with yourself. If you need help and community, here are some rad sources below:

Leaving Religion Org & Their Resources

The Atheist Experience

Some other sources based on topics mentioned: 

Handout

Anyone can be in cult

Cult psychology

History about cults

cult leader personalities

cults and religion

the book I'll be reading...

Signs of Emotional abuse

science and religion

science different from faith

example of Christian propaganda

Project Angel Fouls Part 8

I may only have a Bachelor's Degree studying non-profit management, fundraising, Philosophy, psychology, and Community Development, 

as well as, served most of my life in non-profits,

 but I still have more to learn! However, what I have witnessed at Project Angel Food has been unprofessional, unethical, and at times illegal from what I have learned. 

Here are all the examples (that I could think of) listed from bad to worse. For some, I have inserted links to brief research showing how this is a violation:

-employees not having gate/door access codes to the building upon hire forcing them to wait sometimes months 

-not enough secure lockers/space for all the employees

-HR firing an employee without informing or consulting the direct manager of that employee

-having a manager do employee reviews although they rarely interacted with those individuals throughout the year(s) 

-hiring an expensive union buster and having staff meetings where the CEO & HR said things like, "You'll lose all your benefits." "The Union only has its interest in mind." "The union fees are expensive." 

-having no parking for their 100 employees 

-having more than 100 clients per client services staff member

-having confusing food options (always changing something, supplier issues, forcing clients to take food they don't want/like, giving whole food with chopped food, giving too much sugar/salt, etc.)

-reconstructing new buildings for expansion project despite needing $8 million (and not adding a parking lot)

-moving work locations without having a clause in the handbook or offering incentives 

-for months served not fully cooked chicken that still had feathers attached

-despite the USDA defining red meat as beef and pork, the organization did not consider beef as red meat. This led to numerous clients receiving beef. When I spoke to our nutritionist, they said, 'that we've always done it this way, we only serve the cleanest cuts, and doctors don't mean zero red meat.

-a CEO forcing an employee to come to work on their day off just to move a vehicle 

-the use of personal cellphones for deliveries before receiving HIPAA training

-noting a client's gender on birthday bags 

-on the edge sexist dress code 

-having employees work outside their scope or job description for months without proper training or compensation 

-having open bar events on work premises while on the clock

-hiring a manager for a department that couldn't arrive at the start time and instead had an employee do opening duties without getting paid management pay

-HR changing shift and meal break times without properly informing everyone 

-HR failing to inform staff of a list of discounts and benefits around the city 

-HR entering their own contest that had cash prizes 

-continuing to have employed and then rehiring twice an employee who faked their COVID vaccination 

-continuing to have an employee with severe back pain and who could barely work, continue to work. Then the delay in responding to this employee faking their injuries (proof shown on camera) and continuing to allow them medical leave 

-HR telling an employee they needed them to work sooner than their surgery recovery time requested because we were short-staffed. When the employee mentioned why another employee wasn't rushed with their recovery time HR responded, "That was then, this is now." 

-HR firing an employee due to a racial joke heard from a bystander while only suspending another for a racist comment reported by the victim 

-denying Father's maternity leave when the handbook (printed 3/2013) does not specify the parent's gender/role in taking time off for newborn 

-a manager who admits coworkers are too comfortable (being unprofessional) yet has said "glad (new supervisor) is here so I don't have to put up with your shit," jokes about coworkers being ugly, jokes about starting a fight with coworkers outside, has poured a container of Cheerios on a coworker while "playing" around

-a coworker of 2 years who has repeatedly made sexual jokes (guys wearing girl underwear, guys being queer, what he's going to do with his lady), is immature (retaliates to any type of correction, makes dismissive comments, backhanded statements), and has numerous conflicts with coworkers (so much so the person moved positions) never receiving discipline or training. I personally have heard this person say to someone inquiring about the organization, "Just lie and say you're mentally ill. They'll help you." 

-a manager responding with, "Are you autistic?" when I asked if I could organize papers.

-delaying in mechanical fixes to company vehicles which has led to numerous safety violations (doors not closing properly, sensors beeping nonstop, wipers not working, blinkers not working, gas cover missing, front plates missing) and health problems (heat exhaustion due to broken AC, tendonitis do to not knowing how to close broken door properly).

-HR trying to implement a point penalty system where even if there are public transit issues, you would be punished

-HR having me fill out papers for their lawyers about my long-term disability application that I had already been having deducted from my check and not informing me that I could get declined. I was declined and not reimbursed.

-HR ignoring several attempts of me reaching out about applying my short-term disability benefits, leading me to think everything was taken care of, only to find out on the day I would have gotten a check that I had paperwork to do outside of the company to get paid. HR literally said, "I can't be expected to answer every email." and on the day I finally got the information said, "Well, I'm helping you now."

-HR telling me that since there was a glitch in the computer that allowed a third floating holiday, that I only get one this year despite this revoking the Cesar Chavez Holiday benefit. 

-HR denying to pay out or transfer the enormous acquired sick/vacation time one coworker had from our previous pay app

-HR finally rewarding me 8 hours (equivalent to one Floating Holiday) but giving me 90 days to use it

-HR telling an employee who was injured in a work accident that their doctor's note for days off included the employee's already scheduled days off (i.e the weekend)

-not having a HIPAA IT training and acknowledgment before giving employees use of company cell phones with client information

-not having locks on employee company cell phones which have access to client information 

-went thirty years without having employees sign for the release of or know that their full name, picture, and job position were posted on the company website

-a CEO residing also as the head of the Board 

-CEOs dating employees

-a CEO screaming and accusing an employee of failure, embarrassing them during a team meeting 

-a manager verbally assaulted (yelling & accusing) a staff member, using vulgar language (like fuck) and made this coworker feel too intimated to report them

-a manager who said, "Dance for me and I'll give you a dollar." Three dollars are actually still taped to a wall from when a staff member shook her breasts for that manager

-a manager giving elaborate gifts and having personal/sexual conversations with two staff members 

-delaying the termination of a manager who was having intimate relations with two staff members 

-giving severance pay to the sexual abuser when they were fired 

-not reporting the physically abusive threats and severe harassment conducted by the sexual abuser upon two staff members, only because the perpetrator was just fired

-not reporting the sexual assault of a minor

I propose an operations shutdown so PAF can focus on leadership and team restructuring. I think the building project should be put on hold until our house is in order and funds are secure. Until HR is held responsible for their actions and PAF brings justice to its workers, I'm afraid this is sayonara for me.

Project Angel Fouls Part 7

 As a student of both psychology and philosophy, I pay a lot of attention to the whys. Working at Project Angel Food, a well-known Los Angeles nonprofit, has made me realize they operate from a “the end justifies the means” point of view. You may have heard this phrase before, but what does it mean? In my Philosophy classes, I learned this is a logical fallacy (invalid, flawed, error-filled) found in political Consequentialism. Linguistically, Affirmating the Consequences assumes the ending or result of something while also ignoring interferences. In syllagim form it looks like this: if A then B, it’s B therefore A.

For example: recently PAF is having a conflict with my Cesar Chavez Holiday benefit. Our Employee committee voted to have an extra Floating Holiday (8 hrs of basically vacation) on top of our already given one for the year. Thus, every employee would have 16 Floating Holiday hours. However, despite working on the Federal Holiday (my regularly scheduled day) I was informed that I only have 8 hrs of Floating hours because last year there was a glitch that didn’t put a cap on my Floating Holidays resulting in a -8 hrs this year. Despite this being their error and the fact that on my end it shows no request for this third Floating Holiday, they replied “At least you got paid” and “Legally businesses don’t have to give you Holiday benefits.” If (A) you got paid, then (B) you got your holiday benefit. It's (B) therefore (A). 

They are ignoring the fact that the pay app constantly has errors and that a holiday benefit is yearly. This can lead to a circular argument.

If (A) you used three Floating Holidays last year and you're only allowed two a yr, then (B) you only get 8 hours this year. It’s (B) therefore (A).

Again they're ignoring Federal Holiday "rules" to pay me less.

Another example: In our last Dispatch meeting our Supervisor addressed the ever-present problem of staff conflicts. She called it pride since we weren’t working as a team and to “just help.” She said we shouldn’t ask if it’s within our parameters/scope/department/wants; “we’re here to work so work.” If (A) the staff are not getting along, then (B) it’s their primary fault. It’s (B) therefore (A).

This assumes the problem is one-sided and easy to fix.

 If (A) staff just work as a team then (B) there will be less complaints. It's (B), therefore (A)!

This assumes that if staff just do this one thing, everything will get better. As well as ignoring that our complaints aren't about team members. Work culture is created top down.

It makes sense that a business would operate in such a way that they are not to blame. It makes sense that a business would justify their ways if it meant making (or keeping) their status (money and power). However, as stated above (and in previous posts), this is a nonprofit. We are for the people, made by the people. PAF time and time again seems to battle this ethical question: who’s important- the clientele, the volunteers, or the staff? When the answer is everyone; however, if the net is weak how will it be a good support? Yes, we serve a very ill clientele. Yes, we need to stay open because hunger never ends. But this does not diminish, rather demands the rights of workers. We need to be constantly reminded of our value just as much as being reminded of our mission.

The logical argument against our flawed one is dennying the consequence: A, then B. It's not B, therefore not A (Modus Tollens) Simply put, it is a logical argument based on deduction and noting the conditionals in either one or both premises. It uses the rule of Inferences. Remember correlation does not mean causation! 

If we run this through our two examples without first filter of benefiting profit over people we would change the argument possibly like this:

1. If (A)all Federal holidays are honored by PAF, there (B) is a benefit for Caser Chavez of +8 Floating holiday hrs by PAF. If there's no (B) benefit given for Cesar Chavez; therefore, not (A).
   

I am the only I have found having this problem so far. But others has expressed lost vacation and sick hours which runs in the same system.

2. If (A) the staff are properly equipped and supported with their conflicts, there would be less meetings about not working as a team. If there's no (B) decline in meetings about working as a team; therefore, not (A).

Just telling someone to do something doesn't imply they know how to do it. Although we would want to hire healthy employees, we can't be sure of people's coping mechanisms until the moment arrives. As leaders, will we model the teamwork we expect?

I have studied Principles in Nonprofits, Multicultural Issues in Human Services, Research Methods for Human Services, History of Modern Philosophy, Community Change in Human Services, Multicultural Psychology, and Philosophy of Social Work. I know some things I fear they should have known. We all need to continue to learn and grow. I’ve learned that I can’t trust management at my job. I’ve learned that for PAF, “as long it takes” translates to “by whatever means it takes.” This might seem great, but it’s full of brokenness like the internal fallacies they’ve given sway to. So long story short, I’ve decided to go back to school in hopes of one day taking over my HR’s job…Do you think they’ll cover some of my cost? (It’s in the handbook.)

*For information on this logical fallacy here are some resources to better explain

Affirming the Consequences Video

Critical Thinker

Logical Thinking

Validity and Soundness

Project Angel Fouls Part 5

 Before I continue listing what is wrong at Project Angel Food, I want to acknowledge what they are doing right:

• Increasing their clientele (currently 2,500 pr day*)

• Expanding their meal plans to include other critical illnesses (currently 13 tailored meals*) 

• Continuing to reach large audiences & have large connections

• Implementing safety precautions like enforcing food handler training for all staff

• Continuing to have thousands of volunteers per year and retaining those same volunteers

• Creating an employee committee to address employee concerns

• Increasing technology to better handle routes and clients 

*Stats from Projects Angel Food

With any progress comes transitions, bumps, and curveballs. These issues are nothing new. The problem lies in how they are being addressed-which is either not at all or a little too late. With increasing numbers comes increased work. As mentioned in previous posts, PAF has practically tripled their employee count since before COVID hit. This has helped with the influx of clients that happened during the same time. I recently spoke with a Client Services worker who noted that there used to be only four staff members in their department compared to the current seven. We estimated that each client services worker has about one hundred+ clients. I asked, “Is this doable?” They responded, “We’re doing it.” 

As someone on the frontlines (so to speak), there is a major difference between “doable” and “doing it.” In a classroom setting it’s a good practice to have ten kids per teacher. In case management, the max is about fifty but more reasonable thirty. Having over a hundred clients per staff member means things fall through the cracks. On numerous occasions, I and other drivers have experienced unresponsiveness from CS when needing to reach a client due to an issue. Notes from drivers regarding gate codes, parking, or cancellations that CS is in charge of get delayed sometimes for weeks or worse never added. There have even unfortunately been clients who have moved or deceased and are still on our routes. CS does what it can, but what we need is more staff to meet the mark we’re missing. Doable means logical. Doing it means pushing past our limits.

The increase in meal plans has packed our freezers to the brim so much so that we’ve had to permanently install a trailer freezer in the parking lot which limits the already small number of parking spots. Our expansion/building project has already had its “groundbreaking ceremony” but we probably won’t see actual groundbreaking until summer 2024 or so. This will mean taking over the buildings/businesses next door (the same place that just redid their parking lot a month ago). I had suggested we look into the vacant building a few blocks up Vine which already had the building and parking space we needed, but I’m not sure as to why that was declined or if it was even researched. 

Increased meals also have meant more products that we now depend on-like cottage cheese, almond milk, and greek yogurt. Just like the problems we already had with the fruit, sometimes the items shipped aren’t up to our standards and have to be returned or simply arrive late. I understand this is a supplier issue, not ours. However, just like the problems we have with our vans-we CAN NOT depend on one source. We need multiple sources for when the first is unavailable. In the long list of funders we have and the powerful members supporting us, I would suggest partnering with grocery stores and mechanics. Continuous changes and substitutions in our food supply more often than not cause confusion among coworkers. Never has there been an all-staff meeting in Dispatch to show how to pack our special breakfast bags. Instead, we rely on sheets of paper with multiple and continuous edits. Soon only one or two staff members only know how these things are supposed to go while the rest of us are in the dark and then they get angry when others aren’t helping. Managers expect coworkers to teach others along with the volunteers, but the issue is that not everyone is a good teacher and even if they are, arguments arise on who is right-her way or his way? In addition to these directed meetings from managers, I suggest a large whiteboard with the lists and labels on shelves.  

Working with vulnerable clientele means we must have work conditions that are higher than most businesses/organizations. Our new Dispatch manager has incorporated that in addition to the face masks we continue to wear in the kitchen, Dispatch should also mimic their dress code of hair nets and gloves. This seems like a wise choice; safety is better than sorry, correct? Food Safety requires these items when working with open or ready-to-eat food. The difference between the kitchen and Dispatch is just that-we work with frozen meals and packaged items, placing them into bags to go back into the freezers for the next day’s delivery. Does it really make sense for someone working in a freezer all day to have to wear a hair/beard net and gloves? It seems more like a waste of our resources than being cautious. There are even talks of a uniform which shouldn’t surprise anyone in the workforce. Personally, I take the stand I did when my high school had the same debate. Uniforms take away individuality and are not economical. If the reason for a uniform is to easily identify who is a staff member versus a volunteer, I have suggested that we have name tags with our pronouns. Earlier this year name tags with our pictures were given, but only to a few people and then it stopped. Again, not sure why?

Technology has significantly gotten better since I began but is still behind. It’s been a year now since we’ve implemented driver cellphones (yes, before we used our personal cell phones) with a client delivery app. This (in addition to the phone holders we finally received with them) has helped in many ways. Our hope is to keep lessening our paper usage, which is wonderful. The complaints from many drivers have been that the app is too clouded with information we don’t need, in a format that doesn’t make sense, and has problems with GPS-leading to an approximate location as opposed to a direct one. I and several drivers have transitioned from Amazon and admit that their delivery app is the one thing they do excellently-it’s sleek, simple, and to the point with the information needed for drivers. Our app has cost a lot of money according to higher-ups. My question is must we stay with it? What was the research that went into what apps are out there? Why couldn’t we again partner with a tech company? PAF doesn’t even have a tech department. It wasn’t until a Dispatch meeting that one coworker spoke up saying they loved working with technology and were willing to help with this app/routing. This was of course after two staff members had quit from the frustrations. 

I was invited to join the Committee Staff from HR. They said, “You have great ideas. We need people like you who will bring these things to our attention and bring changes. Now it’s not to make your job easier but to benefit everybody.” 

This is why I write. To benefit the body that is called PAF.