"I'm always thinking about who I'll get married to."

I heard a guy say this one time a few weeks back and I was blown away. I didn't know guys could be or would be so honest and vulnerable. (Or maybe he was just saying that to get attention, but I'd prefer not to believe so hahaha.)

Today, after some prayer- journalling over some stuff (just the usual yah know) God lead me to Song of Songs 3-4. I love it when God does that, leads me to some scripture that pertains to a specific thing I prayed about! (And some say God is dead, pah!)

These are my devotions, hopefully you can learn something too and engage with me in what you learn.

Song of Songs or Song of Solomon chapters 3-4
Questions I asked:

• Who or what am I looking for-a boyfriend or a husband (if you are a male reading this ask, girlfriend or wife)?

-In my case I've been looking for a boyfriend (hahaha), but I need to be looking for a spouse instead. Why? Because what I'm looking for is not found in someone who's only planning on sticking around for a little while.

• Is it wrong to be looking for a spouse instead?
• Why is it important for you to be looking for a spouse instead?

A couple verses popped out for me as I read,

"All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves;

I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him."
-verses 3:1-2 (emphasis mine)

So, it is not good for me to sit here and ponder what it would be like, or to daydream, or to lust, or to crave about being with "that someone". But like this woman, I should get up and do something about it. *Now, when I say this it does not mean go out and become a tramp. I mean stop being fearful about the future, don't become stagnate, don't just wait for that "fairy tale" to come about. 

 (Also, if you have never watched or heard of Andy Stanley's message "The New Rules of Love, Sex, Dating" go watch it.)

"I will get up now..."

 

• So in these regards of a relationship, am I really meant to be "relentlessly waiting" or am I instead meant to be doing something?
• How about working on being something/someone?
• What am I doing? Who am I? Or how am I? (All in terms of relevance to dating.)

For myself, I listed how I know I am: eager, impatient, confused, scared
And what I am: already treasured, already loved, already beautiful *I am these things because I base who I am through Christ, your definitions may obviously be different. Yet, for those in Christ why shouldn't your focus be on who God says you are?

Next verse,

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume
more than any spice!"

-verses 4:9-10



I absolutely love this! I swear, if a guy says this to me I am set for life! (That is a lie because I've made the same comment to if a guy would sing "Electric Feel" by MGMT to me.)

But anyways, this is simply beautiful. The thing that grasps me soo much about it is the fact that Solomon calls her his sister first. Some might be like, "eww gross. I don't want to call the girl I'm in love with "my sister"." Thing is though, my thoughts went to who we are in Christ. In Christ we are all on body, one family. This bond Solomon shared with his wife began originally out of a bond that of itself could not be broken-that was the commonness of faith. The faith in God to be more precise. And my friends, this is where it NEEDS to start.

From that one word, "sister", I could imagine specific characteristics that Solomon wanted to give.  (F.y.i Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived and that is not a matter of opinion.) Those same characteristics are what I could guess are what the average person is looking for in a relationship:

• someone who's closer than just a friend
• someone who shares equality
• someone worth remembering
• someone to be captivated with

All in all, I was reminded of Andy Stanley's words: "Are you who, who you are looking for is looking for?/ Become who you are looking for."

Those qualities listed are things I would want someone else to present to me or with me; thus, I will become those things.-And just in case your thinking becoming those qualities looks like anything you want them to be, they MUST be in relations to 1 Corinthians 13:4-6:)

• So what hurdles must you jump over now to become or apply these things?

Let's play Devil's Advocate just for a sec./my role in the "missions field"

"When your right about God and right with God there is no reason to be intimidated by the world, by the flesh and by Satan himself."
                                         -Philip DelRay (evangelical speaker and author)

• How do you know you are right with God?
• If it is you who (essentially) are defining "being in the right" is that not just justifying?
• If then your conclusions are that "you are in right" because the Bible says that Jesus is "the Way, the Truth and the Life" [John 14:6] and you follow that, does it not also say "Humble yourself" [1 Peter 5:6] and "value others above yourself" [Phil. 2:3]; so then how can you say that you are the only one who is right like most Christians do?

I had immediately thought of this quote the other day when I had finished a brief, but 'heated' conversation with a friend of mine. I then thought to myself, "Oh, I need to blog about this!" (That was meant to humor you.) "I should somehow devise a series of questions that would almost seem like the Devil & I are having an argument. But I, being clever & all (again for your humor), will respond/answer back with just as much sting & craftiness. I'll use simple statements that have profound attributes, present theology intertwined with huge words I can only find in the Thesaurus and be like "bazinga" I blew all yah minds!".... However, God had a better plan in store...

Instead, I will let you answer all these questions yourself-ain't I sweet? Of course I have my opinions as to how they should be answered, but who wants that?

I sappose all in all, more than anything these questions have helped spur me on to what my last blog pertained to-the concept of being a "missionary". For the situation with my friend entailed conflicts of religion. (Imagine that, having a conflict over religion.) As we conversed I had a ravenous passion overwhelm me like one of my past daydreams. That dream of mine presented itself giving me insight as what I would love to do for a future career-for too many times as young students are we asked that and far too many more times are we, underneath what we say, truly unsure. That passion of mine is this me: to travel the world, be immersed in the different cultures & different religions, collect all principles about that religion & the identity it creates within the person's atmosphere. Then when I have an accurate understanding, through love I will present the Gospel of Jesus to them in ways in which they can truly comprehend. Finally, in doing this process I want to document everything I learned so I could share it with "my people" back home; as well as hopefully educate others to have the same mindset & make disciples.

• So regardless of what you learn from another culture, you are still going to say they are wrong?
• Doesn't God's Word say "love one another as I (Jesus) have loved you" (John 15:12)? You claim that Jesus takes you as you are, why won't you accept others as who they are-every part of them?
• What if  all this "Jesus, salvation" thing is all made up by people who where simply ethnocentric and you've spent all your time buying into it?
• Do you really think someone can change the heart and mind of another who is also so set in stone that their faith is the right one?

With that I will conclude with playing the "Devil's Advocate" or as a philosopher would just call it-epistemology, and leave you with what God's Spirit directed me to following my brief conversation with my friend>

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.-Romans 12: 9-16.  http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%2012&version=NIV

For those who know Jesus, all I can say is "wow". How I pray that as I continue this journey of being a missionary for the Lord that my heart/motives will never betray these verses.

I understand some of the questions I presented (okay, all of them) where kinda (really) hard to face. But if we are not going to face them now, when and where and with whom? Get your faith solid and grounded now. Sure you might not ever be able to answer those questions fully or even completely logically; then again could anyone? At least give it a try, "ask, seek & knock" (Matt. 7:7). 

"It is by grace through faith that you have been saved" (Eph. 2:8)

*I meant no harm to Philip DelRay

And God said, "Stay here."

Seems a little contradictory for me to have put that huh?

Well, last night this is what I heard and this is what I am trying

to figure out. You see, last night I went to my college

youth group that I have been attending since this fall(the whole ordeal of finally choosing to go is another story). Yet, that does

play a role in what I have to express. As we got together

in the main room with the high schoolers for praise and

conclusion to our lesson "I'm Fine", they had

two students go up and share their experiences from a

retreat they had just gotten back from.

As one of the students read from her notes,

as if from a journal entry,
 explaining in terms only this particular crowd would understand,
 I thought to myself:
"wow,(that being an almost sickened wow) I remember being her.
Going up on the stage to share my latest experience with God or my "highlight" from the trip we had just gone on."
And "Wow, this is just like how it used to be. This is the typical youth kid."
 Now, obviously as you can see here I still have some issues
or at least I have now become skeptical of the whole experience.
That might be because I am older now,
it might be because I'm in college,
or maybe because I'm a sucker for philosophy & being educated about other religions.
Those things might be the reason why I cringe, question & sometimes
get angry at how churches do things
(and how we willing drink the kool-aid), but I do know for a fact that it is because I've been through some church crap.
I've gone through the motions, used the lingo & forced a smile upon my face-and this was with a church I ACTUALLY LOVED!
Anywho, the next person spoke and I tried to
push aside my pre-conclusions of the whole experience.
What this person had to say (and I most definitely don't discredit the girl's experience), got me to see what older students/adults used to see in me-
a child who experienced the indescribable encounter with the
Most High God.
There, there behind this high schooler's words laid a glimpse into
my re-awakening.
STAY HERE.
The night continued with a very well-done lesson with simple phrases
that pounded a dagger into my conscious &
left me hunger for more, but a knowledge of
"yah, I prolly won't do any of those things anyway."
Utters of "God is not part of our story, we are a part of His story" and "if God can change your heart, why not let Him
change your plans?" left me in a state
of shaking my head in agreement.
The story of the missionary Philip James Elliot was shared-what an amazing story, look it up.
Of course, I must also share one of his quotes:
"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
That got me
(along with for some reason me visioning Mr. T saying "I pity the fool.":) ).
"Hmm," I thought to myself, "I remember saying nothing else
in this whole world mattered than telling people about Jesus.
I remember at one time (more precisely in 2008 until 2011) believing that I was called be a missionary."
STAY HERE.
Logic today disembarks this 'crazy, charismatic' notion
with the simple fact: we are all called to be missionaries.
And if you do not believe me and are a follower of Jesus Christ,
go read your Bible right now-I mean come on Matt. 28:19
for crying out loud is a good enough start.
And honestly, I believe now missionaries have in a sense
(other than the fact in being killed) an easier job than those without the official title, because it is we without it who must present the Gospel even more.
I know for me, once I had believed
God told me to be a missionary, He would constantly CONSTANTLY
bring me to Matthew 10.
Note the words I chose there: had and would-past tense.
What changed?
The fact that I had that 'revelation' on a trip where being a missionary was so strongly harped upon?
The fact that most of my spiritual groundwork was established
by a church in which I now despise?
Or was it that my friends made me see reality and that one can not live off of being a missionary?
Those just might be the reasons.
And/or(because I am not quite sure what the answer is at this point),
the problem was exactly what the lesson was pertaining to-
wanting fame or feeling entitlement.
Growing up, even before 2008, I would have spurts of picturing myself
lecturing to a large stadium or classroom full of people.
I pictured being a famous author and speaker.
And in Jr. High I even felt that God was leading me to lead
a church someday.
Today, I don't have much of those daydreams anymore.
But am I still seeking it?
Am I portraying someone who feels like they are entitled to something, that something being having people listen to me?
It is so easy for us to say,
"No, I am not the one in the wrong-they are!"
Self-inventory time.
What do I feel entitled to?
One of my friends, whom I dearly love, brought up the case
that I have portrayed such a persona.
What a true friend, huh?!
And honestly, maybe in the last three years
(in which has ranged from the ciaos at my old church & being kicked out of my home)
I have grown to think I am deserving of something better.
That I deserve to be taken care of, especially
after everything I have gone through.
Maybe, just maybe.
Our speaker used a visual example of
being the light instead of being in the light/spotlight
(Matt. 5:14-16).
They turned off all of the lights and Greg (the speaker)held
one of those humongous intensity lights right in front of him.
His point being when on the stage with the spotlight on him
he couldn't see any of our faces, instead
we were just a sea of blurs.
But when he "became" the light and the focus was no longer on him,
he could see clearly.
The transition into spirituality is that we, I, have that
Light of Lights
inside of us 24/7.
However, how much are we truly letting it shine? How much are we not
sticking out our hands to cover it up in some way, shape or form?
Oh, how I need to just become that blur behind the Light again.
STAY HERE.
This brings me to my last observation of the night and finally the explanation to my first premise.
All can be summed up in worship.
I remember towards the end of my days in my old youth group
I would distant myself from all the others,
go to the very back of the room and
pretend that I was alone.
Truth was, I was alone. They were no longer my family, because
they no longer loved
the Amazing Grace that gave them the ability to speak
more than their cunning speeches.
Here, in this new place-although still filled with flawed people
I am not/was not alone.
Now, perhaps the muck and the mire from my other connections
showed me that very thing.
I don't look upon these leaders as heroes or saints
or superstars of faith or people who have it all
put together.
But I do see a group who honestly knows their shortcomings,
confesses & confronts them,
and seeks their Lord as a Lover.
Last night, for the first time in a long time,
I got on my knees.
Ha, honestly it took me a while too!
Battling in my head if I should and then why shouldn't I?!
When I finally did, I remembered.
Again, I remembered those days of young faith and my past surroundings that give me both
nostalgia & nausea
at the mention of them.
"O GOD HERE I AM. HERE I AM AS I ONCE USED TO COME.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHERE SHOULD I GO?"
And that's when He said it.
That's when God, my God,
said those two defining words.
Now, they are nothing new. For I have heard them plenty of times before in numerous situations.
But, what does it
exactly mean?
STAY HERE.
Then it hit me this morning, perhaps the "here" isn't physical
maybe it's a mental.
STAY HERE.
In this state of mind.
STAY HERE.
On your knees.
STAY HERE.
In remembrance of what I (God) have called you.
STAY HERE, Samantha.
And listen to my guidance.

Thus, it is not a contradictory after all.
God calls you to stay, stay with Him
where ever you go.

Who is MY God?

Measly Words From a Humble 20 Year Old

Who is my God you may ask. I once asked a friend a while back if they were to describe who God was for them in one word what would it be? They responded with, "Love." Love. Yes, what an excellent word to use. I feel just like that word, there are trillions others out there that we could use and could use only because of God. My God is Love, that is for sure. But He is not the love we know-where it is simply always a give and take, a feeling, a high experience, or a lust or craving kind of love. My God are the definitions we do not know nor comprehend nor can even begin to uncover.

My God is also good. Good. Even with such a word we could not say, "He is too good." For He is Good. There is no capacity of good He does not already fully measure or contain. He is always completely forever all of its definition before we knew of its meaning. For if good was simply  just the term we know it to be, it would only be a tiny, tiny, TINY drop  of sweet delicious honey from an enormous honey sickle of which my God is. 

My God is life; yet, bigger and brighter than the air from my lungs. Stronger than the earthquakes, louder than the might of Hurricanes, more complex than the infant that was just born. 

My God is like the Artist behind the magnificent canvas, the Composer behind the grand orchestra, the mighty Bolt that holds everything in place. My God can reveal aspects of Himself in and through all things. 

More importantly, my God lives in me. My God is NOT me, which  is important to note. No, God-my God, is like these bones but yet a million times stronger and never risks being broken. My God is like this heart, bringing me these feelings and emotions that leave me with more questions than answers. My God is in my brain, firing up these circuits with  an electricity that shoots me  to the moon and brings me to my knees. 

My God is Rich, worth more than ALL the gold, silver, diamonds & pearls. My God is Power. In one blink of the eye He could wipe away everything we've ever known, had, seen or experienced away. Like the thin pieces of paper His word is written on, so is the earth, the atmosphere and the universe. He speaks and marvelous colors of every array come into light. He moves and nothing is EVER the same. 

My God is the Definer. What I think should or needs to happen does not, for He is the Driver and the Controller. Yet, He considers my measly opinions. And I love it. For my God flips everything upside down. I see in black and white; I see chains and freed; I see punishment and exceptions. He says "Love one another as I have loved you. I will die for you. I will be the Judge and I will repay. I bring mercy and second chances. I will go into the dark and forbidden places. I will heal the wounded and revive the forgotten. I will become friends with the poor and adore the wretched." 

My God is not my religion, He is not my church; and most importantly, He is not what I alone say He is. He is the Great I AM, for He is who He is. God is separate from a gender, from a being, from a book, and from an organization. 

My God is matchless, a glorious beauty and willingly my best friend. My God is my Abba, my Father. My God just keeps giving and giving and giving. He never runs out of mercy and grace. 

My God is the one who starts the party and is the reason it was worth having! He is deserving of everything I have, own or dream. My God is my delight and peace. My body can hop, skip, jump and shake. It can sit, weep, break and bend. My hands can bring death and drip with blood. My mouth can cut and wound....and yet, my God still utterly & truly LOVES me. 

My God carries me, cradles me, teaches me, pushes me, stretches me, and challenges me. My God is Awesome. He is Truth. The ONLY TRUTH. There is no other God other than Jesus Christ, the Messiah-our Messiah. Three in one-Father, Spirit, Son, because HE is simply cool like that.