Seems a little contradictory for me to have put that huh?
Well, last night this is what I heard and this is what I am trying
to figure out. You see, last night I went to my college
youth group that I have been attending since this fall(the whole ordeal of finally choosing to go is another story). Yet, that does
play a role in what I have to express. As we got together
in the main room with the high schoolers for praise and
conclusion to our lesson "I'm Fine", they had
two students go up and share their experiences from a
retreat they had just gotten back from.
As one of the students read from her notes,
as if from a journal entry,
explaining in terms only this particular crowd would understand,
I thought to myself:
"wow,(that being an almost sickened wow) I remember being her.
Going up on the stage to share my latest experience with God or my "highlight" from the trip we had just gone on."
And "Wow, this is just like how it used to be. This is the typical youth kid."
Now, obviously as you can see here I still have some issues
or at least I have now become skeptical of the whole experience.
That might be because I am older now,
it might be because I'm in college,
or maybe because I'm a sucker for philosophy & being educated about other religions.
Those things might be the reason why I cringe, question & sometimes
get angry at how churches do things
(and how we willing drink the kool-aid), but I do know for a fact that it is because I've been through some church crap.
I've gone through the motions, used the lingo & forced a smile upon my face-and this was with a church I ACTUALLY LOVED!
Anywho, the next person spoke and I tried to
push aside my pre-conclusions of the whole experience.
What this person had to say (and I most definitely don't discredit the girl's experience), got me to see what older students/adults used to see in me-
a child who experienced the indescribable encounter with the
Most High God.
There, there behind this high schooler's words laid a glimpse into
my re-awakening.
STAY HERE.
The night continued with a very well-done lesson with simple phrases
that pounded a dagger into my conscious &
left me hunger for more, but a knowledge of
"yah, I prolly won't do any of those things anyway."
Utters of "God is not part of our story, we are a part of His story" and "if God can change your heart, why not let Him
change your plans?" left me in a state
of shaking my head in agreement.
The story of the missionary Philip James Elliot was shared-what an amazing story, look it up.
Of course, I must also share one of his quotes:
"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
That got me
(along with for some reason me visioning Mr. T saying "I pity the fool.":) ).
"Hmm," I thought to myself, "I remember saying nothing else
in this whole world mattered than telling people about Jesus.
I remember at one time (more precisely in 2008 until 2011) believing that I was called be a missionary."
STAY HERE.
Logic today disembarks this 'crazy, charismatic' notion
with the simple fact: we are all called to be missionaries.
And if you do not believe me and are a follower of Jesus Christ,
go read your Bible right now-I mean come on Matt. 28:19
for crying out loud is a good enough start.
And honestly, I believe now missionaries have in a sense
(other than the fact in being killed) an easier job than those without the official title, because it is we without it who must present the Gospel even more.
I know for me, once I had believed
God told me to be a missionary, He would constantly CONSTANTLY
bring me to Matthew 10.
Note the words I chose there: had and would-past tense.
What changed?
The fact that I had that 'revelation' on a trip where being a missionary was so strongly harped upon?
The fact that most of my spiritual groundwork was established
by a church in which I now despise?
Or was it that my friends made me see reality and that one can not live off of being a missionary?
Those just might be the reasons.
And/or(because I am not quite sure what the answer is at this point),
the problem was exactly what the lesson was pertaining to-
wanting fame or feeling entitlement.
Growing up, even before 2008, I would have spurts of picturing myself
lecturing to a large stadium or classroom full of people.
I pictured being a famous author and speaker.
And in Jr. High I even felt that God was leading me to lead
a church someday.
Today, I don't have much of those daydreams anymore.
But am I still seeking it?
Am I portraying someone who feels like they are entitled to something, that something being having people listen to me?
It is so easy for us to say,
"No, I am not the one in the wrong-they are!"
Self-inventory time.
What do I feel entitled to?
One of my friends, whom I dearly love, brought up the case
that I have portrayed such a persona.
What a true friend, huh?!
And honestly, maybe in the last three years
(in which has ranged from the ciaos at my old church & being kicked out of my home)
I have grown to think I am deserving of something better.
That I deserve to be taken care of, especially
after everything I have gone through.
Maybe, just maybe.
Our speaker used a visual example of
being the light instead of being in the light/spotlight
(Matt. 5:14-16).
They turned off all of the lights and Greg (the speaker)held
one of those humongous intensity lights right in front of him.
His point being when on the stage with the spotlight on him
he couldn't see any of our faces, instead
we were just a sea of blurs.
But when he "became" the light and the focus was no longer on him,
he could see clearly.
The transition into spirituality is that we, I, have that
Light of Lights
inside of us 24/7.
However, how much are we truly letting it shine? How much are we not
sticking out our hands to cover it up in some way, shape or form?
Oh, how I need to just become that blur behind the Light again.
STAY HERE.
This brings me to my last observation of the night and finally the explanation to my first premise.
All can be summed up in worship.
I remember towards the end of my days in my old youth group
I would distant myself from all the others,
go to the very back of the room and
pretend that I was alone.
Truth was, I was alone. They were no longer my family, because
they no longer loved
the Amazing Grace that gave them the ability to speak
more than their cunning speeches.
Here, in this new place-although still filled with flawed people
I am not/was not alone.
Now, perhaps the muck and the mire from my other connections
showed me that very thing.
I don't look upon these leaders as heroes or saints
or superstars of faith or people who have it all
put together.
But I do see a group who honestly knows their shortcomings,
confesses & confronts them,
and seeks their Lord as a Lover.
Last night, for the first time in a long time,
I got on my knees.
Ha, honestly it took me a while too!
Battling in my head if I should and then why shouldn't I?!
When I finally did, I remembered.
Again, I remembered those days of young faith and my past surroundings that give me both
nostalgia & nausea
at the mention of them.
"O GOD HERE I AM. HERE I AM AS I ONCE USED TO COME.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHERE SHOULD I GO?"
And that's when He said it.
That's when God, my God,
said those two defining words.
Now, they are nothing new. For I have heard them plenty of times before in numerous situations.
But, what does it
exactly mean?
STAY HERE.
Then it hit me this morning, perhaps the "here" isn't physical
maybe it's a mental.
STAY HERE.
In this state of mind.
STAY HERE.
On your knees.
STAY HERE.
In remembrance of what I (God) have called you.
STAY HERE, Samantha.
And listen to my guidance.
Thus, it is not a contradictory after all.
God calls you to stay, stay with Him
where ever you go.
explaining in terms only this particular crowd would understand,
I thought to myself:
"wow,(that being an almost sickened wow) I remember being her.
Going up on the stage to share my latest experience with God or my "highlight" from the trip we had just gone on."
And "Wow, this is just like how it used to be. This is the typical youth kid."
Now, obviously as you can see here I still have some issues
or at least I have now become skeptical of the whole experience.
That might be because I am older now,
it might be because I'm in college,
or maybe because I'm a sucker for philosophy & being educated about other religions.
Those things might be the reason why I cringe, question & sometimes
get angry at how churches do things
(and how we willing drink the kool-aid), but I do know for a fact that it is because I've been through some church crap.
I've gone through the motions, used the lingo & forced a smile upon my face-and this was with a church I ACTUALLY LOVED!
Anywho, the next person spoke and I tried to
push aside my pre-conclusions of the whole experience.
What this person had to say (and I most definitely don't discredit the girl's experience), got me to see what older students/adults used to see in me-
a child who experienced the indescribable encounter with the
Most High God.
There, there behind this high schooler's words laid a glimpse into
my re-awakening.
STAY HERE.
The night continued with a very well-done lesson with simple phrases
that pounded a dagger into my conscious &
left me hunger for more, but a knowledge of
"yah, I prolly won't do any of those things anyway."
Utters of "God is not part of our story, we are a part of His story" and "if God can change your heart, why not let Him
change your plans?" left me in a state
of shaking my head in agreement.
The story of the missionary Philip James Elliot was shared-what an amazing story, look it up.
Of course, I must also share one of his quotes:
"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
That got me
(along with for some reason me visioning Mr. T saying "I pity the fool.":) ).
"Hmm," I thought to myself, "I remember saying nothing else
in this whole world mattered than telling people about Jesus.
I remember at one time (more precisely in 2008 until 2011) believing that I was called be a missionary."
STAY HERE.
Logic today disembarks this 'crazy, charismatic' notion
with the simple fact: we are all called to be missionaries.
And if you do not believe me and are a follower of Jesus Christ,
go read your Bible right now-I mean come on Matt. 28:19
for crying out loud is a good enough start.
And honestly, I believe now missionaries have in a sense
(other than the fact in being killed) an easier job than those without the official title, because it is we without it who must present the Gospel even more.
I know for me, once I had believed
God told me to be a missionary, He would constantly CONSTANTLY
bring me to Matthew 10.
Note the words I chose there: had and would-past tense.
What changed?
The fact that I had that 'revelation' on a trip where being a missionary was so strongly harped upon?
The fact that most of my spiritual groundwork was established
by a church in which I now despise?
Or was it that my friends made me see reality and that one can not live off of being a missionary?
Those just might be the reasons.
And/or(because I am not quite sure what the answer is at this point),
the problem was exactly what the lesson was pertaining to-
wanting fame or feeling entitlement.
Growing up, even before 2008, I would have spurts of picturing myself
lecturing to a large stadium or classroom full of people.
I pictured being a famous author and speaker.
And in Jr. High I even felt that God was leading me to lead
a church someday.
Today, I don't have much of those daydreams anymore.
But am I still seeking it?
Am I portraying someone who feels like they are entitled to something, that something being having people listen to me?
It is so easy for us to say,
"No, I am not the one in the wrong-they are!"
Self-inventory time.
What do I feel entitled to?
One of my friends, whom I dearly love, brought up the case
that I have portrayed such a persona.
What a true friend, huh?!
And honestly, maybe in the last three years
(in which has ranged from the ciaos at my old church & being kicked out of my home)
I have grown to think I am deserving of something better.
That I deserve to be taken care of, especially
after everything I have gone through.
Maybe, just maybe.
Our speaker used a visual example of
being the light instead of being in the light/spotlight
(Matt. 5:14-16).
They turned off all of the lights and Greg (the speaker)held
one of those humongous intensity lights right in front of him.
His point being when on the stage with the spotlight on him
he couldn't see any of our faces, instead
we were just a sea of blurs.
But when he "became" the light and the focus was no longer on him,
he could see clearly.
The transition into spirituality is that we, I, have that
Light of Lights
inside of us 24/7.
However, how much are we truly letting it shine? How much are we not
sticking out our hands to cover it up in some way, shape or form?
Oh, how I need to just become that blur behind the Light again.
STAY HERE.
This brings me to my last observation of the night and finally the explanation to my first premise.
All can be summed up in worship.
I remember towards the end of my days in my old youth group
I would distant myself from all the others,
go to the very back of the room and
pretend that I was alone.
Truth was, I was alone. They were no longer my family, because
they no longer loved
the Amazing Grace that gave them the ability to speak
more than their cunning speeches.
Here, in this new place-although still filled with flawed people
I am not/was not alone.
Now, perhaps the muck and the mire from my other connections
showed me that very thing.
I don't look upon these leaders as heroes or saints
or superstars of faith or people who have it all
put together.
But I do see a group who honestly knows their shortcomings,
confesses & confronts them,
and seeks their Lord as a Lover.
Last night, for the first time in a long time,
I got on my knees.
Ha, honestly it took me a while too!
Battling in my head if I should and then why shouldn't I?!
When I finally did, I remembered.
Again, I remembered those days of young faith and my past surroundings that give me both
nostalgia & nausea
at the mention of them.
"O GOD HERE I AM. HERE I AM AS I ONCE USED TO COME.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHERE SHOULD I GO?"
And that's when He said it.
That's when God, my God,
said those two defining words.
Now, they are nothing new. For I have heard them plenty of times before in numerous situations.
But, what does it
exactly mean?
STAY HERE.
Then it hit me this morning, perhaps the "here" isn't physical
maybe it's a mental.
STAY HERE.
In this state of mind.
STAY HERE.
On your knees.
STAY HERE.
In remembrance of what I (God) have called you.
STAY HERE, Samantha.
And listen to my guidance.
Thus, it is not a contradictory after all.
God calls you to stay, stay with Him
where ever you go.
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