This is a continuation of my post Deconstructing
***warning this post contains religious trama and content some might find to be sexually explicit***
Deconstruction is a process; it's not once and done.
My deconstruction has taken off within the last couple of years but no one thing is the reason.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever considered saying: No, I don't believe in God. In fact, I wept many times as a young Christian at the paranoia that one day I would forsake everything I knew and loved. I pleaded with God that these days would never come and that He would forgive me in advance for my future sins. I knew that the greatest sin anyone could make was not having sex outside of marriage or using His name in vain, but rather denying the works of the Holy Spirit. I could have shown which Bible verses showed this doctrine. I could have regurgitated what I'd been taught. But here I am, doing all those things once condemned as sins with my Bible I had by my bedside for 17yrs tucked away in a cabinet gathering all that dust my youth leader once told horror stories about.
Many of you may know that last year I came out as open and affirming because I had a huge crush on a trans woman. I had a whole mess of questions; questions that began back when I lived in Denver and realized I had sexual feelings for women (although all my life I've been secretly turned on by the female figure more than males).
I am not going to lie, my sexuality has played a large part in my deconstructing. I love this woman although we're not together and if love is a "sin" then plainly put I want nothing to do with that religion saying so.
In 2007 the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns was released on their The Alter and The Door cd. Of course, I had it. I loved Casting Crowns sound and boldness. They never shied away from reality. The music video heavily implies that a husband cheated on his wife; thus, breaking up their family in addition to many other problems. However, this song was always played in my youth group in a way that warned us about sin and how falling more & more into sin can harden someone's heart towards God.
Has my heart hardened?
I had a very long and deep conversation with a good friend recently. They've been going through similar things as myself. We talked about how our faith was like a mirror; it reflected what we really wanted/needed to answer life's difficult questions. For me, I needed stability. I needed a Father. I needed to be loved, wanted, desired, and cared for. It makes sense given my emotional state as a child, my living situations, and religious surroundings that I would become a Christian and then pursue a fucking Masters Degree in it.
But as I grew older I craved for more. I was living in a fantasy craving to live in a fantasy. What does that tell me about how good my life was within Christianity? We were taught, rightly so, that life with Jesus wouldn't mean that our problems would go away. In fact, I caught myself echoing what Christians before me had once said, "With Jesus, my life has actually become harder." Note here, living a "godly life" wasn't hard just because you were denying yourself from overindulgence in things (which is healthy) but from the separation it created with nonbelievers. All my Christian life I believed those who didn't think or act like me (aka loving Jesus like an Evangelical) was going to hell. This included my Mother. My Mom and I have had a rocky past, but it's only been recent that I see her as an equal-something in Christianity I could have never achieved because although our "sins" put us on equal footing before the cross, I believed I stood with Jesus at the resurrection (metaphorically).
I never believed or felt I lived fake. However, I do know that now I live wholly. I am not torn within myself. Before I hid my sexuality behind closed doors and computer screens. I liked sex. I enjoy sex. Sex is good! There is no shame in wanting sex! I've always said this with the follow up BUT! However, there is no but. I don't hold to the restricting views I once had regarding sex, dating, or marriage. There are always going to be theories about how we should conduct our lives to live happier and healthier; you choose which to follow. This is the path I'm choosing and it's without Christianity.
If I came across someone who was like me now back in the day, my heart would have pounded with anxiety. I would have been racking my brain on what to say, praying in between our pauses for the Holy Spirit to give me something clever that would make the other person realize how much they needed Jesus! I'm happy to say, I am not that way anymore. I am waaaay less judgemental. I have way fewer times where I feel this burn inside my chest over someone's salvation. This does not mean I don't care for people. I care a lot about people's happiness and healthiness; if religion brings you those things then great and if not, great! I acknowledge that this brings us to the famous quote that we also learned to rebuttal back in youth group: "To each their own."
People I meet on my dating apps are always asking me what I like to do, what are my hobbies, what am I passionate about and why. It's been difficult and tiresome trying to explain that I'm rediscovering who I am, what I like, and what I enjoy.
Who am I if not Christian?
I'm still me. Funny, awkward, shy, hard-working, humble, considerate, mistakes filled me.
What am I passionate about, if not knowing Jesus?
Define passion, because if it's "what gets me out of bed every day" the answer is simply duty.
What do I enjoy, if not worshipping Jesus?
I enjoy seeing the faces of the ones I love, I enjoy comedy shows and adventure movies, I like learning about evolution & natural science, eating melted sharp cheddar on my plate full of Doritos, playing Animal Crossing while listing to Girl In Red or Amy Shark while high AF.
I'm chipping away the pieces of the mirror that was already broken. I've removed the spiritual aspect of my life that I had thought I would die with. It's painful. It's depressing. It's helpful. It's freeing. It's good.
So why do I write this?
I write for two reasons.
- So those who have known me as a Christian and now might be experiencing a slew of emotions may better understand
- I loved God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength
- I think this is good as long as it doesn't make someone unhealthy
- I heard God's voice many times
- this is unhealthy when it separates people (i.e in my life it was my Mother, friends, and potential lovers)
- I believed and bore "fruit" of the Holy Spirit in my life
- this I believe was just a reflection of the people around me and the desire to do good. Today I believe that a lot of people do generally want to do good or at least what they deem as right (although I know we can do horrendous things). This is achievable with & without religion, but not without some type of community.
- So those in the same boat know they are not alone
- deconstruction has been making waves more and more online and in Christian circles. It's been viewed as dangerous and scandalous.
- It is neither of those things. I have empathy for any of those who are going through a harder deconstruction because of this propaganda
- deconstruction is a normal, healthy process as long as it can bring you to a place of peace. I would advise counseling (outside of the church) to work on this transition.
- your life is meant to be enjoyed. So go enjoy it!
Thank you for listening. And blessings to you in your journey.
