Tainted Thoughts

I am not sure how to go about this, not quite sure what to write...or why I'm writing...all I know is that I want to, need to say something.

For the past couple of weeks I've been experiencing anxiety, extreme loneliness, anger, and suicidal thoughts....today a new one actually occurred-running away. Why? I'm not 100% positive why, other than I'm just fed up with everything....and my answers to some of life's deepest questions aren't satisfying me anymore.

For those who really know me, these things are not entirely new....and neither is the fact that I often cause my own pain. You know I had a friend comment on my tattoos the other day saying the reason I got them is because I still live in shame. I wanted to shrug them off, but I thought about it a lil more. Yes, yes...I do continue to live in shame. I recall as the needle inserted itself in to my skin for my first tattoo I thought, "yes, I deserve this...all of this...I deserve this pain...the pain I'm too scared to fully inflict upon myself."

Do you ever have those moments where you feel so utterly alone that it seems like a weight is sitting on your chest? Can you feel the ach, the hopelessness, the sadness? I never did/do really like the word, "sad" but I don't know what other word to use. I'm just...sad. No matter what I say, here I am sitting in my car crying my eyes out but whipping them off before you see me.

My problem...one of my many problems...is thinking that I am a problem. I don't alert people that I feel this way because I feel like they're too busy for me, I don't tell them how I really feel about their company because I'm afraid that I won't have those same emotions in return, and then when they do share their love for me I know I'll disappoint them some way some how.

I complicated. I'm a girl. But I'm human, like you.

I've thought these couple of weeks, "it's okay for me to say good bye but you have to remain." How does that make sense? Tainted thoughts.

How is my premature death less significant as yours would be? I don't know! I just don't think I'm that important! And truth is if I compliment the butt load out of you it's probably because I feel like poop about myself!

Where did that come from?

I have plenty of friends and family who love me, I have a good job, I have things working out for me....

But what about those...who...don't...?

Why is it I have and they don't? So I can give? Well, I don't have enough to give to give to the whole dang world! I've also thought recently, "what if living is the hell?" Like does the good things in life really outweigh the bad? Really? My friend reminded me that life is no where near Hell. I knew/know this. Hell...that is a place with out God.

A place without God. Have you been there? Have you felt like you have? Maybe it was your fault? I know 99.99% of the time it's my fault...no I guess it's really 100% my fault; God is always with us rather we want Him or not. 

I've been told...I know He can satisfy EVERYTHING-all our needs and wants, He is what we truly desire, that EVERLASTING peace...love...joy...

Then why don't I feel it? Why don't I feel you here, God? Like conversations with my very intelligent friend I am reminded that feelings don't trump facts.

Fact is: God loves me.

Fact is: I love somebody/something else

Fact is: God, you've never left me

Fact is: I'd rather be somewhere else

Fact is: You always forgive

Fact is: I apologize for the same thing over and over again

I wouldn't commit suicide. But it doesn't mean that I really want to be here either. "Why can't I be with you Father?! In heaven!?" And He's over here like, "Why aren't you with me now? On Earth?" 

Another dear friend of mine had said that life gets all whacko when she is not fulfilling her purpose. What is my purpose, O God? To tell of your great love? Then again, if I do not do the job, won't you send someone else to do it?

I don't get the how's and why's. I don't get a lot of things....like why I continue to watch Criminal Minds when I'm home all alone...at night...

Is helping just one person worth it? Am I here because/for them? Am I worth it? 

Life, a beautiful hated thing. Creating memories, regretting the choices, laughing years later, shaking from the pain, while leaping up for joy at a miracle and fighting back the anger.

What is the point? To work till our hand grow tired and weak, earn enough cash to eat and try to find a mate so the cycle can continue? Oh and I almost forgot earning a degree somewhere along there!

It's like lifting a 20 lbs. six foot shelf trying to balance slippery ribbons and trims, tripping on one strand and busting your nose on the concrete. 

I know this is not one of my chipper blogs...it's more like one of my journal entries...all tangled up with thoughts, questions, more questions, more thoughts, and not always a conclusion. But as the wisdom in my heart once warned others, I also must take heed myself: withdrawing in one's self is NOT taking refugee, it's self- destruction.

If you are having suicidal thoughts today I encourage you to please consider taking the time to contemplate hope for another second-hope found in the midst of the pain. I have listed below a couple of websites that will be of assistance to that road:

 http://www.afsp.org/

 http://contactcrisisline.org/ 

http://twloha.com/

Oh and then after checking out those, I dare you to do that silly Facebook challenge of posting five pictures that make you feel beautiful but then also what you love about your self next to each one. 

Some might find this a lil self-centered...but what is more self-centered posting five pictures that boost your self esteem or the five seconds* it takes to take your last breath leaving all those who do truly care about you devastated?

click & listen:(There'll Be) Peace In The Valley - Thomas A. Dorsey with R.H. Harris

.......this is hard.....I want to list things that I've been given and not things that which I am. Like I love that I am loved or I am forgiven or that I am free. But who am I that God loves, forgives, and frees me? I am not evil. I  am not just broken. I am His Creation. I am Samantha..."The One Who Listens"

So who am I, that which I love? I love...wow, what a heavy word...I love that I am sincere. (I read that was what my name meant somewhere, so it must be true)I love that I can look good in red lipstick because I love the color red...hahah okay I guess that one doesn't really count.

I love that I can, with God's help & mercy, love those who hurt me...like this pain in the butt dog I'm holding... I love that I can share what I've been through to help others in the same boat.

  

"Are You Going To Pay For That?"

It's a typical morning at your retail job. The rest of your coworkers are preforming their day in and day out routines-greet the customer, ask if they need assistance, and direct them to purchasing AT LEAST something. You are at your assigned station stocking meaningless merchandise wondering about what you are going to make for dinner that night since you have to feed a family of four and make sure everyone is satisfied. Right as you are about to put that last item in line, you notice a young man to your left further down the isle. He is wearing a dark hoodie that is pulled over his head and he is glancing side to side as if to see if anyone is watching. Quickly, he snatches an item from the shelf you worked on earlier that day. Without a blink he hides it in his small backpack that blended in perfectly with his hoodie, making it impossible to notice. You can't believe this! You just witnessed theft! You don't have time contact your manager because you know they are way too busy with something else in the front of the store. You have to act before he gets away! You have to do something! Although you don't necessarily care for you're minimal pay job, you will not let that stop you from honoring the company that took the chance in hiring you! Before he leaves the isle, you shout, "HEY! ARE YOU GOING TO PAY FOR THAT?!" Your voice is loud and bold although you are shaking in your boots on what is going to happen next. You've never bluntly confronted someone like this before, but what is the worst that could happen right? Surprisingly, the young man doesn't race off like you would expect, so you have a reassurance of authority and "a deed well done". Instead, he walks calmly your way...you await his apology and for him to hand over the stolen item....he now stands two feet away from you...you put out your hand to retrieve the item...but he doesn't give it to you...You watch as he reaches in his hoodie pocket and pulls out a gun...aiming it directly at your chest...

I thought about this exact scenario one morning as I do work in retail where theft does happen. We have never experienced such extremes but I am sure someone somewhere has. In which case it would be absolutely horrifying! What really grasped my thought process in this imaginative case however where these words, "Are you going to pay for that?"

Are you going to pay for that?

In retail it's something we don't say a lot but keep our eyes open for. For the shopper, it's more phrased as, "Am I going to pay for that?" The response can either be a yes, no, or later. That later depending on the convenience to ourselves and our wallets.

In life it's something we don't ever say but we feel a lot. When someone does us wrong, when someone didn't live up to their words or standards. For the individual, sometimes it is phrased as, "am I going to pay for that?" The guilt gnaws on our consciousness and we more often than not chew on our tongues than let the burden(s) go.

If you have a Bible check out Luke 22 or click to follow link.
As an unbeliever/someone investigating Christianity, I want you to read this with this statement in the back your mind, What is the cost?
As a new believer/follower of Jesus, I want you to read this with this statement in the back of your mind, How do I pay the cost?

Summary of Luke 22:
Two of Jesus's closest friends betray him, Jesus has his last meal before his brutal death, Jesus prays earnestly, He is arrested & put through brief/humiliating "trials"

• What are the similarities between the fictional story I presented to you in the beginning of this blog and this non-fictional one?

What is the cost?

="And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you."-verses 19-20

{images taken from Bing Images}

Some people like to focus on what Jesus looks like-was He white with chiseled features and golden brown hair? Was he darker toned with dark rich eyes? No one knows. And why should we care? What we do know is that Jesus was born in Bethlehem, lived in Egypt for a few years and did ministry all over Israel. He is was also a Jew.

Sometimes the image of Christ helps people identify more with Him; in which cases I have no problem with. The problem comes in when we concentrate so much on the details as such that we lose the whole gist. Recall our beginning story, note the features I gave for thief. It was a young man wearing a dark hoodie pulled over his head. He also had a small backpack that matched his hoodie's color. What I didn't note was this boy's color or ethnicity. In America, I feel like too many times it would be easy for us to immediately guess an African American man did it. And if the scenario involved a bomb instead of a gun, I feel like too many times we would assume a Middle Eastern person was the culprit.

I understand such profiling is needed in some cases but this type of stereotyping has built societies to have preconceived biased beliefs of other parties. We assume what a handful of people have done the whole will do. This is not true and must end. The same can be applied to Christianity and Christians.

What profile do you have projected in your mind when I mention Jesus,The Church, The Bible?

Such things, if not founded on Truth, can and will distort your image giving you the wrong answers to the question I first asked: Are you going to pay for that?

Are you going to pay your attention to what media, organized religion, and/or what another hypocritical person has told you? Or are you going to pay your attention to your own investigations, interactions, and studies?

Little details like what hair Jesus had, how many colors were really in Joseph's multi-colored robe, the world being created in 6 days, Noah on an ark with every created animal while the Earth flooded may come in handy in rare occasions but you're missing the point. It is about what was done and why not necessarily how or who.  

So what was done?: A crime
The crime?: You broke the law and did not pay 
What law was broken?: You stole ( The Eighth Commandment) 
What was the punishment?: Death 
Who paid for it?: The Coworker of the store=Jesus

Read Romans 2-3

Only you can answer the question of How do I pay the cost, for it is based on a personal inter-reaction.

Truth is we've all been in the shoes of the young man in my story, for it is the reason Jesus's story was shared for/with us. We may have not necessarily stolen from a retail store and put a gun to somebody's chest, but our crimes/sins/disobedience/disregard for God's Truth did put Jesus, His Son, to death-the punishment we were/are meant to have. 

People get all messed up about who put Jesus on the cross. Truth is we all did because we all are sooo deeply loved by God, our Heavenly Father, that He took the fall for us.

Finish this contemplation with reading Ephesians 3
..."Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

This is the Good News, nothing less and nothing more. Let it be so.

{Taken from Bing}