Even Here Your Presence Is

Even here-
In the warm, bright, sunny days when all I know is bliss and innocence,
Your presence is.
Even here-
In the stressful, hair pulling nights when bills pile up and I don't know where to turn,
Your presence is.
Even here-
When all of my wildest dreams are unfolding and laughter is always on my lips,
Your presence is.
Even here-
In the moments everything is shattered, I'm afraid of my own shadow, and death creeps into my very being,
Your presence is.
Even here-
When those I've trusted disappoint me and what I've hoped for is forever lost,
Your presence is.
Even here-
Behind the cells of inmates, behind the doors of teenagers, and in the car with the widows,
Your presence is.
Even here-
On the balcony looking over a scenery of absolute beauty,
Your presence is.
Even here-
In the depths of the ocean that has stolen my breath, filled my lungs, and brought a tide that I am not strong enough to fight,
Your presence is.
Even here-
In the crying of babes, the single mother, the confused spouse, the torn family,
Your presence is.
Even here-
In the mind of a "master" who doesn't feel Your presence like they once had & questions their whole life's purpose, who stands on the precipice of greatness but doubts their worth & confidence,
Your presence is.

Yes, God, your presence is.
ברוך השם שלך ישוע

Dream Like State

Honestly Just Journalling

Many of you know that I have recently moved to California from Colorado. It's been the hardest move out of the eighteen times I moved throughout my life. My new roommates ask me what I think so far. I tell them, "It feels like a dream...that I hope to wake up from soon."

I know absolutely no one out this way (correction, my godparents live in NorthCal and the one friend I know who lives forty-minutes away is currently a missionary in Romania). It would be easy for me to feel depressed. Frankly, there's been a lot of glitches in the whole journey of this move that has made me question where I even stand with God...

From delayed flights, to unplanned expenses, to a loss of a job, to ants infesting the bathroom-all the big and little things could simply weigh up to be a burden upon my back. Perhaps, they have and I am denying it. Physically I am tired all the time. Today-almost two weeks from when I arrived, is the first day it has been cloudy and not blaring down stagnate sun beams. The trees seem to reach for the stars like the rest of Los Angeles. I have met only one person through all of my going ins & outs that said they liked living here-and that was my hair stylist. 

My little town in Orange county is filled with taco food trucks, adobe homes, churches on every corner, and small patches of grass that constitute as parks. It is an interesting place. The world is an interesting place....I can't deny I longed for this adventure (and much more), but I feel the reality of "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Going back to where I stand with God-what I mean by that is that I am always trying to figure out the meaning of things and truth is that's freak'n impossible. Why did Biola University make such an impression on my mind and heart that made me apply? Why did they take so long in letting me know I was accepted although I applied way before the deadline? Why didn't I start saving money earlier if I really thought that coming to Cali would be a possibility? Why did this girl I never met, but who I connect well with, reach out to me to be a roommate? I  could ask these questions until I am black and blue in the face (I'm already black...so I guess I am halfway there).

It's true, getting where I am came with some hurdles-of which aren't probably near being over. Despite my questioning and letdowns, I am reminded of truths. The Holy Spirit reminds me through continuing to seek Him that I can not forget what I have been taught, that I am not alone...that I am beloved. I am reminded by family and friends that I can do this, that I am brave & strong...that things will pull together.

I have chosen Psalms 71:5 and Hebrews 10:35-36 as my memory verses during this season in life. Funny, I have not done memory verses in years.

Moving brings this notion about-this unpacking the boxes of both the past and future. My room is relatively organized, but some boxes still sit waiting for their rightful place. I long for new assorceries to make this feel more like my own space. Yet, here I am humbled in the thought that despite this being my dream, I must ask "What would you like from me, O God, while I am here?" What is God's will while you sit on the fence called transitions? 

I may not ever know if it was God testing me or Satan provoking me in my difficulties, but like my Dad told me in last night's 'encouragement talk,' "You must not forget why you came there....you came there to become a pastor...you came there to help others..you must persevere." 

In my devotion time a week or so before I climbed into that Penske truck and drove through those scary mountains with my Dad, God spoke to my fears and confidence. 

Off and on the Holy Spirit will continual take me to a chapter or verse in the Bible until it is thoroughly engraved upon my membrane. Recently, it's been Ephesians 2. At this precise moment He took me to verse 19. I journaled:

'God's will and my choices.

It's such a wondrous,

mysterious art.'

I drew a swimmer about to take the high dive, but now questioning it. That's how I felt.

God seemed to say through my feelings and this scripture, that I belonged here. The thought process went like this: If God (let's say) called me to be a firefighter and I run into that burning building, do I question my position in life? Do I ask God in that moment if I made the right choice? Do I ask if I did God's will?

No. No I do not. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't re-evaluate our decisions and make sure they align with God's. What I am saying is that it's ok to have fear sometimes, for it shows that bravery has an opportunity to shine through. What I am saying is that it's ok to question sometimes, for it shows that wisdom has an opportunity to grow through. 

"Am I where I am suppose to be, Lord?" 

"Samantha, where can you go that I am not already there?" 

Even in this hazy dream-like state, you are here Oh God.  

Do I Owe God?

Dear Christian perfectionists (aka myself), you don't owe God anything although you may thoroughly think that and it may fit into some so called "theological/philosophical" arguments.

While we were still sinners Christ died for us. God did an incredible, incomprehensible act of amazing grace and mercy; and yet, God did not send Jesus so there can be a quid pro quo (I scratch your back & you scratch mine). To say that I owe someone something is to say that there is still a debt to be paid. Jesus paid it all. Every single ounce of sin's ugliness and death's burning sting Jesus took upon himself for eternity.

There is and will be nothing you can do that can erase that remarkable act of love. You can certainly try to deny it, but denying something doesn't disprove its existence. You can certainly try to hide from it, but that doesn't stop the thing from chasing you.

Some Christian doctrines point to a lifestyle change-producing the fruits of Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control), that gives the Church a reason to believe that you are a True Believer (aka Follower of Jesus). However revisiting the scriptures, like in Ephesians 2, we know that this change is not of your own doing-it is the Holy Spirit's.


We have heard in our Christian circles that God has His part and we have ours. What is our part exactly? Doesn't the Word also say that "those who love their lives must lose it" and that we are to "carry our cross" (Matthew 10)? Could laying down of one's self be what we really owe God? After all He did lay down His life for our's, but what does He get in return-what does God gain from a human life? From me?

God gets nothing, because He already has everything. God has nothing to gain from man or else He would not be God. To say God needs something is to denote the very name/nature of God.

But your heart! Your heart! These evangelists scream, "You have to give Him your heart!"

True in part.

Your part is to accept every single day the fact that Jesus was crucified and rose again for YOU.

Coming to Jesus everyday in holy surrender isn't a duty, an obligation, a check mark off my 'To Do List;' it is my Joy, my Comfort, my Solidarity, my Rock, my Firm Foundation...my Everything.

It is true that if we confess with our mouths and believe in our hearts that Jesus is Lord we will be saved (Romans). That is our part....which comes AFTER and ALONGSIDE His part.

And what if you never you do "your part"? Does God leave you high and dry?

He says He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews). We are always the Prodigal Sons (& daughters); He is never the Prodigal Father (or Mother).

You remember that annoying children's song we used to sing, "He's got the whole world in His hands-He's got the whole wide world in His hands?" It doesn't say "He's got only the Christians in His hands-He's got all the goody Christians in His hands."

God sows the Good Seed to everyone, He is the one who waters it, and shines upon it. He is the Great Farmer and the Harvester. What does this mean? It means to every single person He is a "good, good Father." To everyone He is the Great Judge. Proverbs talks much about this, perhaps that's a good place for you to start in His Word. God sees, knows, and acts always-that is true for everyone everyday.

But does God act the same for everyone?

We like to ascribe some things to God that should really be credited to ourselves. Although God is in control no doubt-for He is the Author & Finisher of our faith, we appear to have the capability to write on the pages in between. This is the aspect that Ecclesiastes likes to address (another great read). "The wicked plot their own demise, but the righteous will see God" seems to be echoed a lot throughout the course of this book in the Bible.

So let me ask you, are you wicked? Or are you righteous? Not in your own eyes, but in God's?

With these Truths it easy to jump to the conclusion that we earn or deserve some things. This is where the belief of karma comes in. As Christians we must be careful of teachings that sound appetizing to the ear, but leave our stomachs empty. Especially those teachings that sound like they come from the Holy Bible, but in actuality they do not. Thus, like I have always done, I encourage you to take my words against the scriptures.

Karma's distinctive quality is that good or bad energy is stored up for you based upon your output into the world. The Word does say that "what we sow, we reap" (in other words, "what goes around comes around.") Yet, our so called "good deeds" and our (oh so overwhelming) "bad deeds" are not stored up for or against us for we know that "bad things" happen to both good and bad people alike.

Even one "bad deed" scripture notes qualifies you as a sinner. Can the same be said about one "good deed?" Can one good deed qualify me as a Saint? Scripture is honest, clear,  and painfully, joyfully truthful. The answer is no (Isaiah 64:6)

Since God in control does He send the "bad things?" Who are we to define what is good or bad? Right or wrong? Again we need a moral compass.

In all aspects, we need God. God is there for us. There is nothing that can separate us from His love. It is my choice to live in that mercy and grace as opposed to just listening to it. The outcome from living in it brings something I personally have decided is far greater than anything else this world could give me. What about you?