Can We Ever Truly Know?

What are these hands that you would pay me to labor with?
What are these feet that you would call me to move with?
What is this face that you would willingly dream of?
What is this mouth that you would long to hear from?
What are these ears that you would seek to meet with?
What is my mind that you would want to sit with?
What are these eyes that you would hope to find love in?
What is this body that you would covet warmth with?
What is my gender that you would liken to trade with?
What is my chest that you would rush to rest against?
What is it about me that makes you want,
makes you cringe,
makes you desire,
makes you sick?
What is it that you call beautiful, handsome,
sexy,
and yet, still not worthy?
Do I have it? Can I have it?
What is my name that you have seemed to captured it?
A perfect frame,
a perfect gaze....
Repeat those words
and I'll spill my guts, burn bridges,
run from love.

Wise Men Taught Me More About Church

Sunday is here again. I am filled with both excitement and anxiety. My mouth is ready to sing praises, but my heart is laying another brick upon its wall. My hands are sweaty, please don't shake my hand. Everyone is so loving, so caring. Everyone asks how I am doing, invites me to sit by them, and introduces me to those around. There is a meal and plenty of food. There is laughter, prayer, and solitude.

But why, my eyes, are you cloudy? Why, my face, are you wet?

Another week comes and goes. I lay in my bed another few minutes after the alarm for Sunday morning charms.  "I love these people, but I don't think I can do it again." Thoughts like these float through my mind. The time is chipping away and service will be beginning soon. I quickly throw on something clean and run out the door.

Church. Community. Fellowship. These are words I have been slowly reconnecting with. Like old friends with too much history, I let their presence just linger...wondering when they will disappear again.

It hasn't been easy moving forward from past church pain. Nor does moving several states away from the "people of God" who hurt you solve things. The funny thing about emotional baggage is that you can't just throw the crap away.

As a person who is in seminary, getting involved in church is as essential as water is to Spongebob. I found this great church north from my place, the drive is forty minutes, the congregation is multi-ethnic and intergenerational. I thought I found my "new place," they even held hands at the end. However, I have come to learn that big churches like this one are easier for me to hide in than to become a part of. So my journey started over. I found a really small church and they presented something I haven't seen in years...a family.

It's been a couple of months now and my New Year's resolution of going to service every week has dissolved because of the scene I described in the intro.

A relationship with God just one on one is much easier and simpler, but that's not what He has called us to do exactly. Instead, the Word says to 'not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing.' (Hebrews 10: 25)

I asked the Lord, how do the church, community, and fellowship once again give me warmth?

And the Lord sat beside my heart's wall, holding that sledgehammer called His Word in His hand.

The Spirit took me to one passage. Where I found myself were at the feet of the Wise Men.

"Entering the house, 

they (the wise men from the East) saw the child (Jesus) with Mary HIs mother, 

and falling to their knees, 

they worshipped Him. 

Then they opened their treasures 

and presented Him with gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

-Matthew 2:1

Let's take a minute here and think how crazy it is that 1) strangers are giving very expensive gifts to a child and 2) foreigners were more attentive to Israel's Messiah/King than Israel was.

I noticed six things that the Wise Men did:

1. they came to Jesus' house
2. they saw Jesus
3. they fell to their knees (humbled themselves and showed respect)
4. they worshipped (perhaps sang, said affirmations)   
5. they opened treasures
6. they presented their gifts to Jesus 

If we were to take these same actions from the Wise Men and apply them as principles in reentering the "church-life" today they would be as such: 

1. Come to "God's house"-no matter if you are from far away or near, the church is called to be a reflection of heaven (God's special presence), a place of prayer, a place of protection, guidance, and love. 
2. Seek Jesus. If you don't know Jesus, is the church you are attending even teaching about Him from the Bible? If you do know Jesus, do you see His image in the people leading, serving, fellowshipping? Is the church Christ-like in their words and actions? (This may require going through the gospel accounts of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to revisit who Jesus was.) The other note on this step is to come seek Jesus in general, not potential mates or business partners. 
3.  Come with reverence. Regardless of if the church you are visiting is where you will call "home" or not, each congregation has its doctrine and culture. Come humbly not judgmentally. The other note is coming with awe towards God. With all the places and situations God can reveal Himself in/through, He chooses the bride of Christ-the Church to make Himself known. It is a grand and beautiful mystery that God would call us to come together as One and seek HIm.  
4. Come worship. We have missed the mark on this one. Worship, as Paul reminds us, is a lifestyle. Come lay yourself down, setting aside distractions, attuning your ears and heart to the one who is worthy of all glory, honor, and praise (yes, even your songs)! God says if we draw near, He too draws near to us. Are you drawing near to Him during church or wondering why no one has told you the game's score yet?
5. Open your heart. This is your treasure. Indeed, a closed and barded up heart can't get hurt again, but neither can it grow nor experience newness. This is the toughest one because here we face being vulnerable. Are you wanting to know everyone in the church, but not willing to let them know you? How's come? Where is your treasure being opened to if not to Christ? 
6. Present what you have. God has given all of us gifts and talents in which to better serve one another with. What do you bring? Have you discovered them yet? Who you are and what you got is meant to be delighted in, nurtured, and flourishing. Don't pretend to be anyone else. Let God be most glorified in you by not hiding what gifts and talents He has gladly given to you. Offer it to the Church body so they too may praise God! If you are not being received, then you might want to revisit point two.

Who knew that you could learn so much from "wise men?"

Other than the obvious first Christian church gathering noted in the book of Acts, I think these Wise Men showed us a lot of what church was to be about-unlike the religious leaders of Jesus day who wanted to profit off the poor, weigh people down with rules, and were called "whitewashed tombs" by Jesus.

Going to church is frankly the easy part. Being an active member of the Church is the hard part.

When was the last time you have been a part of "God's household?" How have you seen Jesus in your fellowship with other believers? Is your heart open or closed; what is making it that way? Will you bring all you got for the sake of Christ's glory? 

I know for some of you the thought of even stepping into a church building is repulsive. I get it. However, I still encourage you to not forsake in meeting with other believers in Christ. In whatever compacity that looks like: at a coffee shop, at a park, or in your home. We were made for community. Even if that company only encompasses two others, let it be good, intentional, and sharpening. 

A Note To Yourself

As the wise words from folk song artist Jake Bugg once sang, 

"Girl, you've been forgetting/

Just how special you really are/

And I try to remind you/

Sometimes I can't find you/

But the truth is in your heart/

So write a note to yourself..."

Here is a note I wrote to myself when I was having anxiety over a situation a couple weeks ago. 

Add your name in the spaces provided. Print, laminate, and read as needed. Or better yet, make your own. Write that which is most difficult for you to believe in a time of need. Note what scripture affirms to be true about you. For this is your self-care, Church, let this Love speak over you. As God speaks to you, repeat it back to yourself over and over and over again. Family of God, recognize when the enemy is trying to pull you down. Reclaim the Truth back into your heart. Let it reside there and give you peace today.  

"Dear (               ),

I know you are freaking out right now, but everything is going to be okay. 

Never forsake being you! And guess what? Who you are is ALREADY beautiful, ALREADY lovely, ALREADY precious, ALREADY loved, ALREADY adored, ALREADY held, ALREADY fulfilled, ALREADY satisfied, and ALREADY where you need to be. 

Trust, my dear (                 ), that your Heavenly Father has everything in control. Believe, my dear (              ), that your Father knows what you need before you even ask for it! 

You don't enter this fight alone; you don't enter even one second alone!  (                    ), you are brave. 

The world will tell you many things about your heart, your face, and your body, but don't fret my darling (            ). You were made with such care; you are made with such great delight. 

Your heart comes alive in Christ. Your face reveals His glory. Your body is a temple for the powerful Holy Spirit. Greater is God in you than the one who is in the world. 

You go,(                    ), and be strong. You go, my friend, and live life to its fullest! Today is the day the Lord has made; rejoice (                 ) and be glad in it! 

Sincerely,

(                                     )"