My friend,
why did you have to leave so soon?
My love,
Why did you leave without saying goodbye?
Did I mean so little to you
Or
Was the pain of this world we've created too much to bare?
My friend,
I miss you...More than words can say...
Did you even think what you're decision would do to me?
Did you even think?
I wish I knew your reasons why...
Every crazed song,
mountainous skyline,
& blue screen,
They bring bittersweet tastes.
I wish I could turn back time
And tell you what you mean...
You were my joy,
You were what I inspired to be.
You were my hope,
You were who I always longed to see.
My friend,
Did you leave because of something I said?
Was it something I did?
How can I not turn this back on me...
My love,
Couldn't we have started again?
I'm at a loss.
You're gone. You're gone. You're gone.
I want your touch & laughter back.
Your smile was my warmth;
Your insights were my strengths.
What was it you exactly lacked?
What did I not have that you needed?
My love,
You took a part of me when you departed.
Now that you're gone, how can I go on?
Maybe...just maybe
If I left too we would magically meet again
Somewhere on that shore...
Somewhere under the tracks...
My friend, is that what you wanted?
I wish you could speak to me now,
So this sorrow would be no more...
I have you no more.
No more.
No more.
Greetings from close or far away; from another who has and does.
Growing up in church or in a strict Christian home, you were told not to have sex until you were married. You've been told all these things about sex, maybe things like "sex is bad."
I am sorry.
You've been lied to and deceived.
In the efforts in trying to protect you, someone has just made you more fearful...or in the opposite case, more rebellious.
If you're like me or like the rest of humankind, you want to do what you were told not to do. It's in our nature.
What is also in our nature is to be physically intimate with someone-to have sex.
This is how you were made! This is how your parents were made!
There is nothing about sex that is bad.
In fact, everything God creates and gives is good. And we can not talk about sexuality without talking about spirituality. I recommend reading the book Sex God by Rob Bell.
But, that is not the jest of this letter.
The jest of this letter comes from the look of one teenage girl's face as an adult explains to her what premarital sex does.
I see my heart reflected on her face...in her eyes...
I know that without words, she is saying, "But I have already had sex."
I just sat there watching and listening to this conversation.
The typical imagery I was given in my youth group days is brought up-
"It's like if you glued too pieces of paper together...and then, tried separating them after that bond...you will take all those experiences with you into marriage and it will be all this extra baggage for you to carry."
I saw the young girl's eyes start to faintly swell.
With every bad news there needs to be a good news.
And honey, how I wanted to gently grasp your young face, look you in those deep big blue eyes and say these words:
"But know this, my love! You are not alone! You are not "used goods"! You are not damaged or outcasted! Your feelings and emotions are not wrong; you are experiencing what everyone else does. You crave and want what we all want! Do not be afraid; do not be ashamed! God does not punish you! He loves you sooooooooo sooooo very much! He only asks that you wait until marriage because He knows what sex is really about, what it really does. You see, sex isn't just a physically thing. It's wrapped up in emotions and something spiritual we simply can not fully explain. He doesn't want you to hurt or to feel the pain that comes with not being with the person He created you to actually be "one" with. Your body is a temple; a treasure to be cherished and honored! You are worth more than gold! Don't let anyone take that away from you! But know we, I, have been there. That even when you do have sex before "love has so desired", know that God loves you the same as He did yesterday! We ask that you be wise, use protection...For sexual immorality is not a sin against God but against your very body instead. This means that STDS are possible and very prevalent. We, those who love you, don't want you to experience such things. We don't want to see you suffer. Sex was created to bring happiness, not sorrow. Sex is meant to be the accumulation of the love already begotten, not the definition or foundation of love itself. God is love, know this and foremost. He knows your wants and needs. Trust in His promises-that He has a great future for you. And my love, even in those moments when you let go of those Truths, know they never let go of you! Physical virginity may have been taken, but with God your mind can be renewed. If you want to surrender this and allow God to do something greater with it other than just a one night stand, know it will be counter-cultural and hard. But again, know you are not alone! Together we can and will do this. Because it's not that sex isn't a want, it's because our want to follow what God has said (about us & sex) is greater."
I'm so glad that the lady who spoke to this young girl in reality was honest and said that she had not waited until marriage. We need more honest "church people."
So lift up your chin all those who have been there and done that. There are no judgements. There is no shame. Together we gather our broken hearts and wounded spirits.
The ground at the foot of the cross is level always and forever.
I recently watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...and man, did it make me really fear relationships... It's not just the movie that has made me become reflective. It has in been in the preparing to work for Royalty Family Kids Camp, it's been from my last (& only) four year experiences in dating, it's been from the friendships with guys, it's from my deep crying sessions alone in my car, it's been from the many counseling sessions I've been through, and it's been in seeing how my Mother treats my half-sister today... Why am I the way I am? Why do I do the things I do? My current counselor strongly recommended me to read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown and Sex God by Rob Bell. That's why I picked this scene from the 2004 film by Michel Gondry. You see (and I say "you" meaning to my future self, because that's typically the only person who reads my posts repeatedly) this is my past/what I grew up with:
neglect
emotional abuse
substance abuse
abandonment in some cases
vicarious abuse-witnessing physical & emotional abuse to another individual
These are not excuses for my behavior. Nor do they explain all of me.
The part of me that has been taught positivity says: "Forgive or else your just hurting yourself. You love your mother; for the same love God has for you, He has for her....she did the best she could."
The part of me that is still raw with emotions screams: "I can't. She didn't. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate everyone."
A bright orange sticky note in the manual preparing us for this camp that is to minister to children from foster care says this:
"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you..."-Isaiah 66:13a
What I really need to hear is:
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"-Isaiah 49:15
Sure my story could have been a lot worse! This is not a pity party.
However, this is me being real.
On our fridge no matter what new house we lived in, my mother had a poem similar to this one displayed-Children Learn What They Live.
I wanted to voice that I don't see the positive attributes displayed in myself, so what did that say about our home...
But I couldn't. I couldn't bring up tough or touchy subjects...like who was/is my birth father....or else the response would be a fitting rage and yell, "WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS NOW SAMANTHA!"
I don't like conflicts.
I always see them as something is horrible about me and not just something I did....or didn't do.
I was subconsciously taught that money for cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana were more important than buying new clothes or healthy food...for me...
Yeah, sure...we come from the lower class as it was...a family tree of farmers in an old German town no one has ever heard of in Illinois.
Jobs were scarce.
My mother got pregnant at 19 years old. She was still learning, still growing...
But there I go "sugar coating things again" ain't I? Or am I just noting the facts? The reality?
I was an only child until I was sixteen.
We can see that this could relate to my introverted personality and the fact I relate/interact more with those older than me-birth order psychology
Then I learn from Dr. Karyn Purvis who specialized in TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) that my "Attachment Cycle" is out of whack.
I didn't feel safe a lot growing up. I felt in the way.
I struggle with cutting and suicidal thoughts.
Our family believed that you let the baby cry; don't swaddle it or...she...will become "spoiled."
Dammit, I just need a long hard hug sometimes.
How do I communicate that today???
My need for a healthy touch goes deeper than just a hug...since I was introduced to sex at a young age.
My girl friend when I was younger (not even in 1st grade) made me have sex with her.
Then there were the Cosmo magazines, the porn videos we inherited...the different boyfriends we lived with...
Why couldn't we just live alone?
Why wasn't I enough?
You see my mind automatically goes there.
Something's broken. It must be because I exist.
I am always interpertiating your body language and fluctuation in your voice.
What am I doing wrong? I ask.
Because when a child asks if you want to play a game or color with her, it's saying "I want your company...I need your company...I need to be validated. This is how you teach me I am worthy."
No one is perfect. Every parent has their flaws.
Growing up I never had guy friends. That's what the "popular kids" had.
There! There it is again, I made an association between the two.
The popular kids were cool, had the latest clothes or devices, were teacher pets, were in all the social clubs, they always smiled, they played all the sports, were in all the plays....
And there I would be standing against the cold brick wall watching.
I didn't/don't have the energy to play their games....
They don't want me....they don't need me....
Rather, I play "my own game(s)."
I dangle in front of you my body, but then take it away from you at the second.
I will deny your compliments & shove off your comforting touch...
My "attachment style" was shaped from an avoidant, disorganized, ambivalent parent.
I don't trust myself today.
I don't look you in the eye unless for the split second I think I'm better than you.
I am often viewed as youthful or innocent...
I think that comes solely from the Holy Spirit-How I have prayed for God to help me forget the things I have seen and done!!
But then there some who say I act like a child.
Trauma makes you stuck in the age it occurred in.
I wonder if the opposite is true too?
The best years of my life were in my youth ministries group from junior high until I was a junior in high school.
I was validated at my youth group. I became a leader. I came out of my shell. I was encouraged. I was taught I had a purpose, that I had talents, and gifts. I was loved. I had more friends than I could count....
That is where I am stuck mentally I suppose.
And then church shit happened like it will everywhere. My youth leader's wife had sex with a student, the head pastor was controlling, and my best friend's dad who was a pastor there got unjustly fired.
My half-sister is going to be nine in October-twelve days after my twenty-fifth birthday.
I remember when Mom told me she thought she was pregnant, I was trying to take a nap on the bottom bunk of my red metal bunk bed we got from her boss's friend. I said very sternly, "You better pray to God you're not."
For the remainder of the year I was pretty angry.
I wasn't angry because someone was going to take "my place"...I had no place...
My problem was that we were barely surviving...we always relied on my Grandma for help...how was adding another individual to the mix going to solve anything?
I certainly didn't want this baby to experience the hells I had.
In fourth grade my teacher noticed the nail marks on my skin from my mother's drunken raged grasp one night in December. They called child services.
My Grandma said, "How could you do this to your mother?"
When I was eighteen I got social services involved again because I was reporting to other adults at the church how my Mother was treating my sister.
That night, October 1st, my Grandma told me: "We think it's best if you don't live here anymore."
Why am I in the wrong for getting help?
There's the Attachment Cycle again-my need was expressed, I am in distress (I'm in the fight, flight, or freeze mode) but I am not comforted...
I am stuck.
People who don't understand or are themselves not "self-regulating" can say: "Oh just get over it. It's in the past, done and over with."
Time doesn't heal all wounds.
Nor do I believe Jesus just heals them.
He walks me through them.
Because before I would make efforts to run-away and hide...or die...
That "old self" still pops out. That is why I'll delete your phone number from time to time...
When I am in a deep dark hole, my "autopilot" is to is to go deeper...
maybe there the walls will just cave upon me
and then I'll have the physical embrace I've always dreamt...
This folks is a tough one...a very difficult message to convey...but the more I kept putting it off the more the Holy Spirit kept saying, "Why are you ignoring me? This needs to be told."
Fact is, I am usually filled with what to say (write) & how to say it. This time is different. All I can do is sigh and continue staring at the words upon the pages of my Bible. These are heavy words, my friends...so much so that we even read in verse 66 (yes chapter 6:66) that MANY (not some or a few, but MANY) of Jesus's disciples left Him after what was just said.
So what were these words that left such a nasty taste in the people's mouths?
To answer this question, let's go a little bit further than just the beginning of the chapter 6. You see the author, John, is all about recording the extraordinary claims made by Jesus. From the very beginning of the book, John 1, Jesus is hailed already as The Word...The Living Word. Immediately following, Jesus is crowned as an equal of God-God in flesh! From John the Baptizer we hear about how Jesus is more worthy than himself; that Jesus is instead the Great Baptizer because he'll baptize us with fire/the Holy Spirit. Jesus, himself, seems to be much more outspoken & direct in the book of John. He is declaring outrageous things: that He is the Lamb of God, the Judge of the Earth, The Son of God, the Resurrection, the One God trusts, The Living Water, The Bread of Life, The Last Prophet, The one God sent to redeem His people, The True Teacher, Healer, Provider & the Forgiver of sins.-and that's all before chapter 6!!!
With these such great titles, why would anyone not want who He was & what He offered? I read chapter 6 thinking how stupid these people were and I am humbly reminded how stupid we are today..."Oh God how I'll never understand why you love us so..."
In the beginning of chapter 6 Jesus performs the miracle of feeding the 5,000.-can we take a minute to acknowledge the little boy's lunch in which the Lord multiplied! It took just one young boy to say, "I only have this, but you can have it. I know you can do something greater with it, I believe in you to provide for these people & myself." Amazing.
It wasn't however until after all the people ate (and were FULL, mind you) that they started pondering, "ooh yeah this guy must be a prophet...yeah he's pretty cool..." I mean, I would have been flip'n out during the breaking of the 5 loaves turning into thousands!
I wrote a note by verse 14 then: Did they want Him (Jesus) for all the wrong reasons? And did that really matter to God?
I wasn't expecting to get my answer so soon. We see in verse 26-27 that God will honor those who seek Him...no matter the motive. However, He will not conform to your pattern of thinking! Remember, "My ways are higher than your ways. My thoughts are higher than your thoughts." These people wanted the physical-the (free) bread, a bright shining light from heaven type of sign; they wanted a warrior, a king. Jesus...God, saw their spiritual starvation, their spiritual depravity, the spiritual emptiness...and that's what He came to fulfill first & foremost.
And again we must ask, "Why was this so hard to accept? Why did so many leave Jesus at this point?"
It wasn't about what He could offer. It was about who He was. And about who He was that collided with who they were.
You see Jesus tells us (several times) how no one can come to the Father except through Him...and no one can come to Him unless the Father wills it. In this crowd were teachers of the Law (the Pharisees/religious leaders) whom clearly weren't with the Father. Can you imagine their reaction? "How can you say what I have been doing for the majority of my life doesn't make me right with God?"
We reflect upon Ephesians 2.
Then Jesus, to most of the crowd, starts sounding like He wants us to be cannibals: "You must eat my flesh & drink my blood..." What the heck, right?!
Jesus reminds me of a friend of mine who repeatedly says to me, "THINK! THINK!"
Who Jesus is, is what we need to live. He is the only thing we need spiritually.
But accepting these words as Truth, as Jesus once said to the rich young ruler, is harder than a camal going through the eye of a needle.
Previously I had also written this in my Bibles margin next to verses 43-46: God is so good that He leads us to Jesus (which I note is the physical representation of Himself) so that we can have a relationship with Himself/God.
"While we were still sinners Christ died for us."-Romans
"I came to seek & find the lost."-Jesus
"God patiently waits for all to come to repentance."-Paul
So what do you think?
Where do you have the most conflict with & why?
What outrageous claims from Jesus collide with who you are & where you stand in relationship with Him?
What are seeking these days & is it fulfilling your spiritual cravings?
My memory verse of late:
"Simon Peter answered, "Lord, who will we go to? You have the words of eternal life." -verse 68
The more I want to teach, the more I see my need to learn.
The things I want to tell you are the very things I need to hear.
I'm called to be a missionary, but I'm set in one place & told to be still.
I long for their eyes to see, when my eyes are still filled with logs.
I say I give my heart for free, but these chains force a toll.
My heart is on my sleeve and you see the blood rushing down my arm.
I can't do this-I hear my spirit cry
Yet, everyone is cheering for me to finish this race...
This race to which there are no flags.
The more I preach, the more I feel my need to forgive.
My mouth proclaims the Word, but my body screams a sonnet.
My head knows I'm already fulfilled, but my heart thinks that is a lie.
So I read the words of Solomon & cry.
The more I live, the more I don't want to.
Everyone is asking for something,
I'm just asking for you.
Cover my soul with what falls from the sky/my emotions are like the weather/so lay me down in a bed of ink/so then I can remember who I am & where I've been/....no more
To where can I run from these sorrows?/to have your love is to be used/I'm being used/I'm being used/...so you sing
Let's go to the river and drown in the shallow end/you'll hold me under & I'll laugh like I've always been/your soul is captivated by what lies under the chin/I'm running out of lines/running out of lies/running out of the line
To where can I run from these sorrows?/to have your love is to be used/I'm being used/I'm being used/...so you play
Soft...soft but never gentle/behind every joke stands the matter/it's translated & flipped/swings cause bruises/this is what happened when I kissed those lips
My cat, QI (pronounced "chē") & I are so alike. He'll cry for my attention, but as soon as I go to pet him he runs a little further out of my reach. It's not until I pick him up & he's snuggled either in my arms or on my bed with me is he satisfied.
We are all like that. We all want attention. We all want someone or something (we look up to) to grasp us & satisfy that emptiness... that loneliness...that sorrow.
It's in these moments that I have of desperation that I can do one of three things:
1) I can cry in my car like I usually do, crank up some more "emo" music or music about being with someone-which makes me jealous & depressed.
2) Reach out to the wrong crowd-those meaning the people (mainly some guy) to give me a "quick fix"
Or
3) Reach out to the right crowd-those being my brothers & sisters in Christ; as well as God, Himself.
Psalm 139 is such a beautiful reminder of not only does God see you, but He holds you! You are and can never stray too far away from His arms of mercy & grace! He's got what you need. Take time now to read this message in the Word & let it soak in...inspire you...rejuvenate you & be your comfort.
Isaiah 55 is also a good starting point in remembering God knows your needs & wants. Not only does He know them, but He created them! Not only did He create them, but He wants to be the answer to all of them! He's got you! You're covered...if you just press a little more into Him...o my soul...press into Him.
After QI & I have embraced, he's good to go. He knows I understood him & I met him where he was at...even if I had to do a little chasing around!
You know Jesus had met you where you were/are at. He did so by coming to earth to die for our sins & rise from the dead on the third day.
Yah, you're THAT big of a deal to Him!
So what will be the paths you take when you feel like crawling into a hole to die?-being over dramatic here, I know
"He satisfies you with goodness, your youth is renewed like the eagle."
-Psalm 103:5
