Dream Like State

Honestly Just Journalling

Many of you know that I have recently moved to California from Colorado. It's been the hardest move out of the eighteen times I moved throughout my life. My new roommates ask me what I think so far. I tell them, "It feels like a dream...that I hope to wake up from soon."

I know absolutely no one out this way (correction, my godparents live in NorthCal and the one friend I know who lives forty-minutes away is currently a missionary in Romania). It would be easy for me to feel depressed. Frankly, there's been a lot of glitches in the whole journey of this move that has made me question where I even stand with God...

From delayed flights, to unplanned expenses, to a loss of a job, to ants infesting the bathroom-all the big and little things could simply weigh up to be a burden upon my back. Perhaps, they have and I am denying it. Physically I am tired all the time. Today-almost two weeks from when I arrived, is the first day it has been cloudy and not blaring down stagnate sun beams. The trees seem to reach for the stars like the rest of Los Angeles. I have met only one person through all of my going ins & outs that said they liked living here-and that was my hair stylist. 

My little town in Orange county is filled with taco food trucks, adobe homes, churches on every corner, and small patches of grass that constitute as parks. It is an interesting place. The world is an interesting place....I can't deny I longed for this adventure (and much more), but I feel the reality of "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Going back to where I stand with God-what I mean by that is that I am always trying to figure out the meaning of things and truth is that's freak'n impossible. Why did Biola University make such an impression on my mind and heart that made me apply? Why did they take so long in letting me know I was accepted although I applied way before the deadline? Why didn't I start saving money earlier if I really thought that coming to Cali would be a possibility? Why did this girl I never met, but who I connect well with, reach out to me to be a roommate? I  could ask these questions until I am black and blue in the face (I'm already black...so I guess I am halfway there).

It's true, getting where I am came with some hurdles-of which aren't probably near being over. Despite my questioning and letdowns, I am reminded of truths. The Holy Spirit reminds me through continuing to seek Him that I can not forget what I have been taught, that I am not alone...that I am beloved. I am reminded by family and friends that I can do this, that I am brave & strong...that things will pull together.

I have chosen Psalms 71:5 and Hebrews 10:35-36 as my memory verses during this season in life. Funny, I have not done memory verses in years.

Moving brings this notion about-this unpacking the boxes of both the past and future. My room is relatively organized, but some boxes still sit waiting for their rightful place. I long for new assorceries to make this feel more like my own space. Yet, here I am humbled in the thought that despite this being my dream, I must ask "What would you like from me, O God, while I am here?" What is God's will while you sit on the fence called transitions? 

I may not ever know if it was God testing me or Satan provoking me in my difficulties, but like my Dad told me in last night's 'encouragement talk,' "You must not forget why you came there....you came there to become a pastor...you came there to help others..you must persevere." 

In my devotion time a week or so before I climbed into that Penske truck and drove through those scary mountains with my Dad, God spoke to my fears and confidence. 

Off and on the Holy Spirit will continual take me to a chapter or verse in the Bible until it is thoroughly engraved upon my membrane. Recently, it's been Ephesians 2. At this precise moment He took me to verse 19. I journaled:

'God's will and my choices.

It's such a wondrous,

mysterious art.'

I drew a swimmer about to take the high dive, but now questioning it. That's how I felt.

God seemed to say through my feelings and this scripture, that I belonged here. The thought process went like this: If God (let's say) called me to be a firefighter and I run into that burning building, do I question my position in life? Do I ask God in that moment if I made the right choice? Do I ask if I did God's will?

No. No I do not. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't re-evaluate our decisions and make sure they align with God's. What I am saying is that it's ok to have fear sometimes, for it shows that bravery has an opportunity to shine through. What I am saying is that it's ok to question sometimes, for it shows that wisdom has an opportunity to grow through. 

"Am I where I am suppose to be, Lord?" 

"Samantha, where can you go that I am not already there?" 

Even in this hazy dream-like state, you are here Oh God.