God Loves You But

"God loves you but needs you to love him or else." 

"God doesn't need anything. We need him."

"Says him."

Choosing the Christian God is choosing to go backwards in society. The god described in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible is full of jealousy, pride, and vengeance. He is bloodthirsty and acts like any other god that we-Christians/exChristians/ Americans, were taught were idols. This god, identifying himself as YHWH ("I am who I am."  Ex. 3:14), is ok with slavery (Ex. 21), genocide (1 Sam 15), incest (Gen 19), lying (Abraham & Sarah), and destroying people's lives to win a bet (Lot). These traits are noted for being more of our "primitive" or "survival-brain;" thus, not utilizing our prefrontal cortex where logic lives. 

Logic has evolved like everything else; as we grow we mature. Maturity is crowned as having a rational mind chastened by patience. Logic has helped us stop, breathe, and ask, "Why am I triggered right now?" Logic helps us uncover truths by asking more questions; it acknowledges wisdom is a process. Logic says, "Stop, how did we get here and why?" 

No matter the context, oppression of your and others autonomy isn't generally viewed as moral. But YHWH commands your worship, love, and unrelenting gratitude or else. This god is taught as not needing it because (some) doctrines preach he's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good despite how humans may describe healthy versions of these attributes. He gets to define the words and pull the strings. And even after he's taken (I mean allowed Satan to take) everything away from you, you are the one still expected to say, "Woe is me a lowly sinner desperate of grace."

 

This gaslighting behavior is typical from narcissistic personalities. As Christians it's prideful to think you are without sin and blasphemous to think god is ever in the wrong. God denies being evil, reverses the blame onto humans (the generational curse of sin), attacks whole people groups instead of just the guilty party, claims he is the victim you owe pure blood to, and is offended you would even question his authority. Modern psychology has given this DARVO model to protect ourselves. When will we use it to protect use from our Abusive Heavenly Father?

"God isn't abusive! He gives us exactly what we deserve!" 

"Why you do you believe this?"

"Humans are evil, just look around.

"We can do horrendous things yes, but every animal also does the same."

Christians are taught that the New Testament trumps the old because Jesus' redemptive blood was the sacrament needed to fulfill the hundreds of laws god originally commanded (but knew we couldn't keep). These two persons of the Holy Trinity contradict. YHWH is full of bloodlust while Jesus-despite saying "he did not come to bring peace but a sword" Matt. 10:34, shows justice by laying down his life. But modern-day sciences trump all three persons and their solutions to problems. 

 

Psychology teaches forgiveness is a mental choice, not a command. Logical fallacies highlight the errors in Pascal's Wager and anthropology the congruency between religions. The truth is the Father can't be falsified, the Son can't be verified, and the Holy Spirit is just hypothesized. This "divinity inside us" is said to guide, teach, remind, and empower; any good seen within you in said to be God alone. Yet, despite all technological advancements there hasn't been concrete proof of a Spirit within humans. What is typically assigned to the spirit's traits are literally just chemical synapses in the brain of a walking meatsac. What we know through biology gives us more power than the Holy Spirit ever will. 

So before you walk up for an alter call, say the sinners prayer, or attend a church revival ask yourself: can I receive what I am getting in this setting from somewhere else and lose less? 

Yes. 

God loves you but you suck, according to him. According to the "secular," you're just human.

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 5

How Christianity Can Keep You In Abuse:

Yes. Abuse. 

Abuse is what harms another. 

What could possibly be harmful in Christianity- other than the homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, advocacy for slavery, child sacrifice, and rape? (See Bible for reference, especially the Old Testament.) 

For years I submerged myself to evangelical Christianity, which taught me to "obey my masters"  and "pray for those who persecuted me."  As a teenager, that meant humbly serving those the Lord put in charge- which is apparently everybody (especially white men). I could, at the time, obey my government with no problem. I obeyed my teachers to a T and listened to mangers without question. The person who was the hardest for me was the person who had hurt me the most, my Mother. In a dramatic comparison I felt like Jonah sent to Nineveh; my Mom was my mission field. Despite the neglect and abuse, I believed God wanted me to stay within her presence. My obedience to her were arrows of love, you know, "Kill them with kindness" shit. My love for her was only filled because of Jesus. God had commanded not only to obey your parents so that we may live long, but to serve our masters as if serving the Lord. I would die for Jesus. Did that mean I had to die for my Mom too? God had commanded me to forgive so that I may be forgiven by him. I was equally a sinner in His eyes, so how could I speak up?

As horrid as it sounds and despite being asked by a youth group ministry leader if I wanted them to report what was happening at home to DCFS (Department of Child & Family Services) and me declining, I continued to live with my Mom. I was in junior high, a new Jesus Freak, on fire for God. How could a warrior turn down their calling? How could I disobey my Heavenly Father? My Mom was trying, I justified, even if that meant sometimes nights were filled with drunken stammers and flying fists. "I survived this long; I can keep going." I thought, while praying desperately for change.

I am not the only one who has fell prey to this trap within Christianity. I see it and hear about it from others. People become accustomed to accepting inappropriate behavior because that's what's been modeled to them. The church opens the doors for the wounded only to put a bandage on & say, "Help others put this on too!" 

 

My prayer journals religiously asked for God's forgiveness for not doing more for Him, for staying in my comfort zone, and for my pride. So many times I wanted to call it quits and runaway, but I felt God say, "Stay." All the "praise you in the storm" worship songs confirmed this for me. 

If you or someone you know is being harmed in any way, shape, or form report it to the proper authorities and get help. Everyone deserves safety and love. So why is there even an ounce of hesitancy within the church? 

Because this subservient behavior is exactly what God calls us to have with him, despite the fact that he's narcissistic asshole. He is the Almighty; yet, chooses-I'm sorry "allows,"  to have children suffer. 

"Oh well that's because of the fallen world!" You might say. God is the one who created the fallen world. 

"No, that's our sin!" Is this because of our personal sin or because we're born into sin; regardless, who the fuck tortures children because of a misbehavior? That, my friends, is called bad parenting. 

Yep, that's right. The world's worst Dad award goes to Yahwey, for creating human beings he instantly regretted although he knew their future disobedience and drowned them anyway! (Noah's ark makes for an excellent bed time story.)

The God of the Bible uses violence to makes things rights. He desires clean blood to even look at you. How messed up is that? 

You are not a filthy sinner; you are a human being learning how to love better. 

You are not a sinner saved by grace; you are a maturing person with potential of greatness. 

You do not owe anyone respect, but you do owe yourself the world. 

Let me know how you've overcome the tangled webs of evangelicalism in the comments below!

If you're a believer, I'd still like to chat. Let me know your thoughts, questions, and concerns!

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 4

"Christianity saved me only to bury me."  

Recapping some of our previous points: 

1. Anything can be cult 

2. Cults can be identified by: 

     - teaching a type of separation from the main culture (us v. them, good v. evil, truth v. lies)

     -  instating distinctual attire & attitudes to denote membership (uniformity, rules, codes, ethics, boundaries)

     - lead by charismatic, lovable, authoritative teachers (viewed as holy or most intelligent)

      - can be on a spectrum of unhealthiness (ex: a sports team cult following v. Jim Jones)

3. Religions were cults that gained the most traction over the centuries and Evangelical Christianity today can be an example of such

4. Anyone can fall victim to a cult

5. It's all just another sales pitch (either convincing you of a problem you don't have or selling a cure all solution)

As a past Jesus Freak, I wholeheartedly and unashamedly professed that I was a sinner saved by grace alone. As a past Jesus follower, I rightfully and joyfully laid down my life daily for the Holy Spirit to do His bidding. 

Now, on the flip side. I see how Christianity-my version anyway, had built its empire upon a foundation of projection. 

The feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and fear are common to our species. As our brains mature, trying to make sense of life through the guidance of others still figuring out, we feel this aching desire to have meaning behind everything when there isn't. There is no more meaning than the meaning our species ascribe. Charlatans manipulate this human curiosity by prescribing an antidote they themselves wouldn't always buy. You'll hear it in sermons and outreaches, see it on billboards and throughout media:

"Come to Jesus all who are sick..." 

To many times religion claims that following a person (deity) or book(s) faithfully without doubt is honorable. One of the first and hardest things I went through while deconstructing was asking myself, "What does the Word really say? What does God really say? Who is God really?" 

The problem with religion is when those unfalsifiable beliefs become your blinders to reality. Reality is repeatedly and demonstratable, providing the same answer each time for everyone. This is impossible for spirituality not because of the apologetical claim of there being a supernatural, but due to its emotionally lead demeanor. I can open my Bible read a passage and get a whole different interpretation than my "brother/sister in Christ." Why? What method ensures we're on the same page? Hermeneutics? Language studies? Cultural and historical facts? Everyone has their opinion on what the Bible says, even each one of it's authors. 

Science and sound logic, on the other hand, is the best methodology we have in this reality. What is real is what can be observed; what is yet to be understood, is just yet to be scientifically observed. We can't start with a conclusion and move backwards; we can not say, "Look at the trees & stars, for they declare a Creator! A Designer! A God!" 

This isn't to say one can't be a Christian and practice science, they're not incompatible. What it is saying, is that Christianity lies. For the cross of Christ is the cost of your daily life, sacrificing your "evil" desires for His righteousness. Beckoning you in like a siren song, the grace you believe you don't deserve comes to entrap you. You are not your own, but the Master's. You belong to God. 

The language and attitude of Evangelical Christianity display many red flags not only through their love bombing, but deepities. The emotional draws heightened with an urgent plea seems to just project the pastor's inner desire for validation, purpose, and drive. Some Bible teachers simply make blanket statements to win as much of the crowd as they can, not worrying about any shread of evidence-based practices. 

"Cast your cares onto him who cares for you." How? How has he (God) shown he's cared? By taking your punishment of sin himself upon the cross? But is that justice, releasing the guilty party & punishing yourself? 

"God's ways are higher than our ways." How? Because we can't ever understand or can't ever know? "God gives generously to all who ask,"  doesn't he? Then why let cancer continue? Is cancer in children God's or Satan's doing? Isn't everything ordained by God-the good, bad, and even the ugly? Isn't justifying someone's "ugliness" evil? Then why do we do it for Yahwey? If we take the Bible at its word, the God of O.T has a higher body count than Satan. How is this somone worthy of my respect?

Truth is, they're not. It's frankly despicable to continue to serve the God of the Bible based on the Word's clear display of extreme narcissism and need for blood. It's nothing more than another blood cult. No one, not even a God, deserves unrelenting worship.

We are finite, fragile creatures on this spinning rock for only a short while. Embrace your existence, uniqueness, and beauty. If you're having trouble seeing or practicing these, it might be time to reevaluate who you're listening to. The brain synapses are most likely not a supernatural being speaking to you, but a tumbler of your family, friends, and culture.

Be kind to yourself because you deserve it. Why? 

YOLO. That's why.

Here's a couple YouTube sources that have helped me during my deconvertion. May they be of some help to you as well, blessings. 

Holy Koolaid

Forrest Valkai

Belief It or Not

Kristi Burke

 

BPD & Christianity

My religion: none

My sanity: some

I recognize learning

I grasp relatively

I bask in a temporary thing

This moment I'm alive

Tomorrow or tonight I might die

Maturity takes time

Live in the now

My greatest desire: love

My greatest failure: Myself 

Relax these muscles

Forget mistakes

Anger target: this brain

Escaping is my middle name

Chasing my own tail

Screaming melodies

Dancing without company

-(random poem constructed while riding the train to work, 2023)

I've recently been assigned to a new therapist 

since my last one didn't specialize in trauma.

As our first session wraps up she asks

if I've ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. 

She believes I resemble a lot of the symptoms.

My friends and I disagree; 

hell, we even know people with BPD.

I'm nothing like them.

But I do research anyway.

I read and watch videos anyway.

I learn that BPD has four subgroups.

And I relate heavily with

Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.

For the majority of my life, I have considered myself to be a Christian. I was so "Christian" that I wouldn't say I was Christian; I would say: "I'm a Christ-Follower." 

Raised in a Lutheran church from womb to junior high and basically evangelism from the age of twelve to twenty-nine.

Jesus was my everything. 

I have scars to prove it.

Although BPD would not be officially diagnosed to someone below the age of eighteen, that does not rule out the presence of these cycles. Both genetics and environment contribute.

My home life as a child was chaotic.

I have little doubt 

that the alcoholism, explosive anger, and string of relationships 

weren't symptoms of my Mom suffering from it as well.

 

BPD is common

and largely misunderstood.

No two people with BPD will be alike,

but share:

 emotional irregularities

  fear of abandonment,

patterns of unstable relationships,

rapid changes in self-identity,

feeling of emptiness

long periods of paranoia,

and harmful behavior.

As I have gotten older and $54,000 in seminary debt, I have come to understand why psychologically I wanted/needed Christianity. I longed for stability...for a father figure...for unconditional love...for a constant friend. I was a contemporary, radical Christian bred in the Midwest. Jesus wasn't just packaged and sold to me before I could spell commodity, but worse, convinced me that this relationship (not religion) was the "true reality" before I could understand what cults were.

Before and during the period in my life when I clung to my duct-tapped Bible, I suffered from depression and anxiety. Before I got sucked into and perpetuated the Evangelical Christian Purity Culture, I "punished" myself for masturbating. To be fair, I was surrounded by remnants of the Puritans-W.A.S.Ps (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants). I was given the internal message that I wasn't good enough long before a Pastor hosted an alter-call. Hair pulling transformed into pinching and biting my own skin during some of my more intense emotional states. 

Symptoms of high-functioning

or quiet BPD are:

having those intense mode swings internally,

suppressing the anger,

self-harm

withdrawing when upset,

cutting people off,

blaming self in conflicts,

persistent feelings of guilt and shame,

feeling like a burden to others,

people-pleasing,

social anxiety

I see how my personality disorder has been both helped and hindered through my now ex-faith. 

God saw me and loved me to the core

and at my core, I was like a

"a used tampon" (Is.64:6)

because of my sins.

SELF HATE

I have the Holy Spirit inside of me

guiding and teaching me

but I dare not grieve it

or put out its flame!

Inside me there is always a battle,

my evil (selfish) nature

and this nature they say God desires.

UNSTABLE IDENTITY

Why would someone take the punishment I deserved?

Jesus did nothing wrong; I'm the one who sinned

So I hurt myself.

I hurt myself time and time again.

If only a little bit could give me a taste of what He did,

what I deserved.

SELF HARM

How does someone share their 

heart with another human

when no one else will ever love them

like our Heavenly Father?

How does one share their body in a holy manner

outside of marriage? 

CUTTING PEOPLE OFF

UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS

God was my refuge,

my "all in all" (cue hand motions).

No one knew me like He did

and no one ever would.

WITHDRAWAL

I was 'blessed and called'

to be missionary

-I heard God's voice many, many, many times!

My family, my town, my country

had gotten Christianity wrong

(according to my new branch)

I was here to serve. Period.

PEOPLE PLEASER

"To bear a ring of power is to be alone. 

This task was appointed to you. 

And if you do not find a way, no one will.”

-(Galadriel, LOTR)

God had appointed me.

And I had to give the world what they needed.

SHAME & GUILT

SOCIAL ANXIETY

These superstitions that I called doctrine were so snuggly wrapped around me that I lost sight of me...did I ever have a me to begin with?...what is me now?

These are just small and broad ways my BPD showed up through the years. I will paint a much fuller picture with the hopes of publishing my memoir called, I'll Soak in the Sun Through The Cement: leaving a small city mindset & religious background

I will work through and come out of Borderline Personality Disorder a healthier person just like I did leaving Christianity. 

Thanks for listening. 

If you feel like you would like to learn more about BPD, here are some of the links I used:

Mayo Clinic 

EggshellTherapy

Dr. Fox

MedCircle

Therapy in a Nutshell

I would love to hear about your journey with self-discovery and healing, especially if you've left the church. Blessings, my fellow humans.