Mother's Day

I have nothing to say.

I have everything to say.

She wouldn't listen.

So you take a listen.

I took the lesson.

What could I say?

How much sorrow is hidden?

Rekindling flames of inquisition.

Burning bridges.

Heavy with the baggage.

Smoking with oxygen.

A combustion of a once union.

The homework, a daughter.

Her homework, a porclien heart.

Our memories stained like grape juice on linen.

Why should this day matter?

Thanks for nothing. 

Thanks for everything.

Brokenness taught me how to run.

Running away looks different at thirty. 

This isn't playing dirty.

Who should feel guilty? 

Everyone in moderation.

Canal to coffin.

Happy Mother's Day. 

Something I couldn't say.

God Loves You But

"God loves you but needs you to love him or else." 

"God doesn't need anything. We need him."

"Says him."

Choosing the Christian God is choosing to go backwards in society. The god described in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible is full of jealousy, pride, and vengeance. He is bloodthirsty and acts like any other god that we-Christians/exChristians/ Americans, were taught were idols. This god, identifying himself as YHWH ("I am who I am."  Ex. 3:14), is ok with slavery (Ex. 21), genocide (1 Sam 15), incest (Gen 19), lying (Abraham & Sarah), and destroying people's lives to win a bet (Lot). These traits are noted for being more of our "primitive" or "survival-brain;" thus, not utilizing our prefrontal cortex where logic lives. 

Logic has evolved like everything else; as we grow we mature. Maturity is crowned as having a rational mind chastened by patience. Logic has helped us stop, breathe, and ask, "Why am I triggered right now?" Logic helps us uncover truths by asking more questions; it acknowledges wisdom is a process. Logic says, "Stop, how did we get here and why?" 

No matter the context, oppression of your and others autonomy isn't generally viewed as moral. But YHWH commands your worship, love, and unrelenting gratitude or else. This god is taught as not needing it because (some) doctrines preach he's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good despite how humans may describe healthy versions of these attributes. He gets to define the words and pull the strings. And even after he's taken (I mean allowed Satan to take) everything away from you, you are the one still expected to say, "Woe is me a lowly sinner desperate of grace."

 

This gaslighting behavior is typical from narcissistic personalities. As Christians it's prideful to think you are without sin and blasphemous to think god is ever in the wrong. God denies being evil, reverses the blame onto humans (the generational curse of sin), attacks whole people groups instead of just the guilty party, claims he is the victim you owe pure blood to, and is offended you would even question his authority. Modern psychology has given this DARVO model to protect ourselves. When will we use it to protect use from our Abusive Heavenly Father?

"God isn't abusive! He gives us exactly what we deserve!" 

"Why you do you believe this?"

"Humans are evil, just look around.

"We can do horrendous things yes, but every animal also does the same."

Christians are taught that the New Testament trumps the old because Jesus' redemptive blood was the sacrament needed to fulfill the hundreds of laws god originally commanded (but knew we couldn't keep). These two persons of the Holy Trinity contradict. YHWH is full of bloodlust while Jesus-despite saying "he did not come to bring peace but a sword" Matt. 10:34, shows justice by laying down his life. But modern-day sciences trump all three persons and their solutions to problems. 

 

Psychology teaches forgiveness is a mental choice, not a command. Logical fallacies highlight the errors in Pascal's Wager and anthropology the congruency between religions. The truth is the Father can't be falsified, the Son can't be verified, and the Holy Spirit is just hypothesized. This "divinity inside us" is said to guide, teach, remind, and empower; any good seen within you in said to be God alone. Yet, despite all technological advancements there hasn't been concrete proof of a Spirit within humans. What is typically assigned to the spirit's traits are literally just chemical synapses in the brain of a walking meatsac. What we know through biology gives us more power than the Holy Spirit ever will. 

So before you walk up for an alter call, say the sinners prayer, or attend a church revival ask yourself: can I receive what I am getting in this setting from somewhere else and lose less? 

Yes. 

God loves you but you suck, according to him. According to the "secular," you're just human.

Momentary

Piercing jet blue streams

Fading gently into dark

Outline scribbled pink 

Coy inventory 

Glistening grey winds stream in

Yellow dragons wake

Balance time and dance

Liquid steadily beating 

Stars fallen on shore

Steady giant shades

Internal gushes

Grey & black matter 

Cartilage reflects 

Hyperventilating stone 

Small heart perceiving 

Riviting mirror

Encapsulating my dark 

Igniting furnace 

Exchanging spindles 

Small leaps, sticking on soft cheeks

Strangling towers

Radiant eyes kept

Behind cascading brown stream

Gleaming purely bones

Chest to chest awake

Breathing in her sorrows & aches 

Love sips on pieces

When Limerance Dies

Want to be in love

Catching the wisps of fragrance 

Pinpricks of numbness

Want this heart racing

At just the sliver of light

Holding intense heat

Remembering warmth 

Forgetting radiation

Damaging within

Remembering swirls

Forgetting nauseous defeats 

Darkening within

Given a torn suit 

Donating these frozen feet 

New winds collect screams 

Wanting a lover

Is like yearning for the tide 

Sands weights like past scars

The moment breath slows 

Like sun dancing on water 

Tell me when to drown

Slowing down this time 

Free love is never wasted 

Like glistening rocks

Smoothed edges from pain 

Pulverized a gentle heart

Noon tea with fine china

Given your bread crumbs

Thirsty like earth's molten core 

I burned myself over

Want to be love 

Despite this amputition

Carefree like the waves

Epiphanies From Her

She was my everything 

And I her parasite.

She was my everything and I her parasite trapped inside a very tight cocoon. 

She was my everything and I her parasite trapped inside a very tight cocoon sipping on cherry flavored rat poison.

She was my everything and I her parasite trapped inside a very tight cocoon sipping on cherry flavored rat poison she willingly dished out.

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band.

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band with colorful flying daggers.

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band with colorful flying daggers and sharps that wouldn't faulter. 

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band with colorful flying daggers and sharps that wouldn't faulter in giving whiplash.

You gave me whiplash.

You gave me whiplash of the century. 

You gave me whiplash of the century and I wouldn't tell a simmering soul.

You gave me whiplash of the century and I wouldn't tell a simmering soul that I never wanted to wake.

Waking to another disgruntled face.

Waking to another disgruntled face that would never yearn for me.

Waking to another disgruntled face that would never yearn for me- an apparatus. 

Waking to another disgruntled face that would never yearn for me- an apparatus made of sheer.

Made of sheer 

&

Maid of cheer.

I am made of sheer to have a fighting chance. 

I am made of sheer to have a fighting chance at burning.

I am made of sheer to have a fighting chance at burning a little brighter.

A chance at burning brighter alongside her.

A chance at burning brighter alongside her mind of steel. 

A mind of steel tied to a brown  paper bagged body.

A mind of steel tied to a brown paper bagged body soaked in the flood.

A mind of steel tied to a brown paper bagged body soaked in the flood of revenge.

A flood fueled neuroticism.

A flood fueled neuroticism lit by a bent wick.

A flood fueled neuroticism lit by a bent wick drowned in a shallow end.

A flood fueled neuroticism lit by a bent wick drowned in a shallow end of the misinterpreted.

You misinterpreted it. 

You misinterpreted this painted purple heart.