Continuation of Part 2 on Identity
What’s the ideal self? Why? And who defines it?
It seems to me that it is a mythological notion made into a standard that we can always be in perfect harmony or in line with a specific mindset and lifestyle presented as the BEST or ONLY mindset and lifestyle.
It sounds to me like a well-disguised cult.
"Know thy self!" People have shouted since philosophy hit the scene.
That’s what religion is for, right? To know our TRUE SELF?! The major religions teach something greater than ourselves is out there, can be known, and should be worshiped to gain something physical and/or metaphysical. In my seminary Spiritual Formation classes we discussed at quite some length about the I to Thou conception. We know ourselves in relation to others (ex: I am a child. She is a mother. They are my uncle. He is my cousin.) However, from the beginning, we are broken, sinful, deserving of hell, created in God’s image, and fallen perfection. "The Bible tells me so." We can not reflect holiness, goodness, or righteousness between each other because of this error in the story. We need to take on the image of Him who had no sin, yet “became sin” to save us. Jesus loves me. Jesus take the wheel. Jesus t-shirt. Jesus mask. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus!
Christianity teaches me to lay myself down…crucify myself so that I may actually live. (Gal. 2:20).
“No pain! No gain!” Bonnie mocked as we brought up the topic of me joining Junior High Cross Country. She didn’t think I could do it. In fact, I hated running. I had tried to get fit many times before; making promises to myself and others that I would “change” the following week…month…or year. I needed to change. I was chubby. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t strong. I had thick hips, unruly hair, and “man hands” like my Mom. Why was I joining this physical sport? To prove her wrong. So she said this to warn me…motivate me…mock me? Who was I trying to impress? The guys at school who couldn’t remember my name but liked the outfit I was in? Or so that the guy I really fantasized about would HAVE TO take notice of me?
I secretly loved this notion of HAVING TO do something. This set of rules, standards, and outlines that I could follow every second of every day would be perfect. Tell me what to do!
Why? Because I don’t trust myself. In fact, I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I take sharp objects against it until my favorite color appears. I’m disconnected. Dysregulated. Longing to be disembodied. And as much as I had gained in becoming a “child of God,” I further lost that trust in myself. Churches shout this is good; my psychotherapy bill said otherwise.
My childhood already taught me to suppress my emotions; “giving it to Jesus” and “letting go letting God” was just another way of doing so.
My childhood already showed me that withdrawing was a way to protect myself; “retreating to my Strongtower” to me now just seems like a fancier way of me talking to my imaginary sister Samanthe. Of course, that’s blasphemy.
{...cutting people off people
….patterns of unstable relationships}
So what does all of this hot mess do when confronted with her desires that conflict with those of the sect she belongs to? Since I was not given a new coping mechanism (as established), I resorted to my old patterns. What do I mean?
The “Living Water” flowing through me was more precious than my very blood.
I cut off friendships…but oh how I prayed for them! I cut off from my family…because “whoever loves their father & mother greater than I is not worthy” (Matt. 10:37)! I cut off relationships…because they're simply not THE ONE.
The problem with bringing in that which is “bigger/greater than ourselves” is that we little by little chip away at the fact that we had some power to begin with. We’re taught that certain things are bad; thus, those who do them are bad. And just like that segregation is born. My old friends gossiped, lied, cheated, stole. Whereas my Christian friends gossipped I mean prayed and cared about my walk with Christ. My family, no, my country, had Christianity alllll wrong. iT’s NoT a ReLiGiOn, iTs a ReLaTiOnShiP.
Let's speed up a few years-I’m in college, states away from my hometown, and have my first boyfriend. He’s so good to me. He cooks for me. He opens the door for me. He listens to me. He pushes me off of him when I want to have sex because he knows how important marriage is to me first. Only problem-he’s Hindu. He’s not the one. Next, we have a guy at work who is smooth with words and can always conjure up a phrase that cuts to you quick. He’s too business and doesn’t do conflict. He also thinks the Old Testament was mainly fictional. He has to go. The next is a guy I cheat with to get back at the last guy for being an asshole. This one years later after off and on again sex threatens to shoot up heroin if you don’t come visit. But he also was the one who said, “Please don’t cut yourself when you go home” after we left the hotel hours later. Before I’m physical with anyone I spend years camming and DMing strangers around the world.
Christianity taught me to hate my body, but sexuality was trying to revive it…to help me really feel…to get what I rarely received-physical touch, appraisal, and admiration.
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