Just Symptoms

*spoken word emotional core poetry/song

It's falling madly in love

over and over again

thinking this could be the one

justifying everything they do

forcing myself to like everything about them

torn to utter pieces when they miss my mark

that I've never spoken

It's overanalyzing everything you said

and how you said it

feeling like I know what's not being said

holding in what I want to say

bottling up my emotions and going numb

It's exploding and not able to come down easily

For days I'll cry over it

It's doing everything for you

because you need to know how much you mean

then secretly hurt when you don't do the same

It's beating myself up mentally and physically

finding a razor somehow some way

scratching forcibly

punching myself repeatedly

It's feeling like I'd rather die than hurt you

and dying when you leave

It's preparing for the end

wanting to skip the beginning and middle

It's saying I'll change next week

next Sunday

on the 1st

Next year

It's knowing I'm contradictory

not simply defined

 It's forgetting what I look like

responding with a yuck when I do

thinking beauty is certain looks and angles

not believing their compliments

fishing for affirmation

having knowledge I'm pretty & feeling unhinged

It's risky sexual behavior

because I'm impulsive

because I'm scared of intimacy

because I'm not good enough for the person I want

It's spending years being taught the body is temporary

that is just a shell

that the REAL me is inside

It's years of being fed that I'm corrupt

that the body is evil

It's lighting up another after promising I was done

after I've gotten into thousands of dollars in debt

after having to go to the hospital

after no longer getting satisfaction

It's wishing I could leave everything

like that would somehow fix things

as if living on the streets is a choice

It's imagining the worst 

happening to others

and wanting the worst to happen to me

It's feeling  like I'm not here

I'm not what you see

I'm nothing

My scars don't tell everything about me

If they did,

There'd be a whole lot more of them

I hate my mind more than anything

These emotions and illogical thinking

Haunts me 

You'd think I'd be over it

But something triggers the pain, the hurt, the darkness

What can you do when you can't have 

What you want, what you need?

How do I speak?

The anxiety eats at me

I'm still bleeding

Why is this heart beating?

Life is just symptoms.