My Depression & Our Hope

***Warning: subject contains sensitive material that may be triggers to some suffering from depression & self-harm***

I have had the urge to run-away or kill myself since I was in second-grade. I have hated life ever since  I could comprehend that life is pain.

I have this tendency to take the embarrassment I feel or the correction I receive and twist it to mean: I will never be good enough and no one wants me. Then the philosophical part of me looks at that conclusion, solely believes in it and self-harm begins-both mentally and physically.

I learned about cutting when I was in Junior High from a friend who was participating in it. But way before then I was taking different actions to "harm" myself. From pinching myself, to biting my arm, to pulling out my hair, and to then finally using sharp edges. I remember I would bite myself so hard that the teeth marks would last about a month. When I started using objects to "cut" myself I first did it on the side of my right hand. I would use my Switchfoot wrist band to cover up the scars-I think most kids those days used wrist bands to cover up their scars. The one Christmas photo I ever took with Mother & sister shows my scar that is now covered by a tattoo.

Why did I give in to self-harm? Was it out of an attention deficiency or selfishness like most people guess? Maybe. But one thing for sure, the self-harm configured due my effort in trying to comfort myself from these lies I believed about myself and life. My solution was to perpetuate them with another lie: sex will make everything better.

It began when I was in first grade and my girl friend (who was a few years older than myself) made me climb on top of her butt so we could "make a baby." I knew this wasn't right and I felt uncomfortable. Regardless, that physical feeling stuck with me and I sought out other means to satisfy it. I gave up my virginity last year, but mentally & spirituality gave it up back in elementary school. I became addicted to pornography and even wished (secretly) that when I grew up I could be a Playboy Bunny. Ever since I can remember I created imaginary friends to help sooth my loneliness. Those "friends" really were boyfriends because I believed "Why would a real guy ever like me, let alone be with me?" This separation from reality grew more intense as I discovered technology and I could pose to be the woman men all wanted behind the screen. I don't technically have two personalities, but I sure as hell live like it at times. I can't count how many men have seen me naked. Nor can I fully explain how all of this makes me feel. One moment I'll be feeling like the Queen of the world, the very next I'll feel like absolute shit.

This is where my depression manifests itself. It's when I'm already in that deep, disgusting hole that instead of climbing out, I dig a deeper one....because I think "Who really cares?"

I'm a believer of Jesus, yes. I believe He loves & cares for me more than I could ever grasp, yes. I believe He holds fulfillment, healing, and a purpose for me, yes. However, in all of these things my knowledge and trust in my faith doesn't take away my gut-wrenching feelings of "I'm alone."  It's a battle of the mind for sure. I know I shouldn't follow my feelings for they are not Truth-well, that is what I preach anyways.

The cut marks you see today are from earlier this year. I started using a knife when I moved out to Colorado five years ago. I started using a razor blade last fall. It was as if I was trying to make up for the years I didn't know how to cut myself "properly" (if that makes any sense). I would make my first cut dainty at first, then think about how much of a piece of shit I am, and then just slice it as fast as I could. I would make many marks in one sitting, cover it up with my shirt & watch the blood leak through it. I would lay here on my bed, with one hand holding my little blade and the other arm stretched out. I was in a state of utter separation.

As my scars are healed and fading (because my biracial skin likes erase them), I have several reactions but none of which have made me feel like I am truly cared about. Most every time someone points them out, it makes me want to do it more out of frustration-again with the cycle thing. However just because I have this feeling, I still need someone to pull me aside and notice. Not in the demeanor of: "What are those?" Why do you do that?" "Doesn't it hurt?" "Don't you know you're life and body are important?!" "Don't do that." "That doesn't solve anything." "It's so stupid." All these are real comments and reactions I've gotten-those and a blank stare.

There was one exception to these comments that really stuck with me and it happened this past July as I volunteered at a Christian music festival. A girl about my age, bumped into me and gave me a message from God. I don't always believe in so called prophets but she called me out. She said something along the lines of,

"You want this to be a part of your story but it's not. 

Stop making this who you are; you are not those lies you believe. 

You have gotten a lot better at discerning those voices of Truth from lies, but there was a time you believed whatever any one said. 

Don't listen to them anymore. 

You are beautiful and worthy. 

Your life is important and you will have victory."

Why do I share this with you-an audience who doesn't even know me or if you do claim to "know" me but are flabbergasted by what you've just read, it's because 1) I need help 2) I know I'm not the only one & 3) I'm bored and when I'm bored I make dumb decisions. I would rather make this "dumb" decision of being vulnerable than another one of shame.

My favorite verse in the popular praise song "Ever Be" by Bethel Music is:

"Now you're making me like you

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame

And known by her true name and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips"

I just want a rescuer and a sanctuary. I want to be done with the things I struggle with; I want to stop thinking that death is the only way out and carry out the mission of bringing heaven on Earth. Yet, as one of my favorite cartoon characters, Spongebob, said in one episode, "I'm not always as confident as I look." 

Maybe it is a perfect timing that I writing this right after I announced that I was starting a new study on how God sees us as I announced in my last post. I have not forgotten about the study, I promise! Genesis is basically finished, it's just really time consuming looking up the Hebrew...so I might hold off on that particular part until I actually learn more Hebrew in grad school...Long story short, if anything I have shared today resonates with you I encourage you to come back and do this study with me. Lord, knows I could use your company! Together let us grow, learn, encourage, ignite on another and finish the race marked out for us until the day of completion.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

-Hebrews 12: 1-3

This Is It, This Is Me

It always seems like the best poetry comes when I'm broken
Rather than when I'm clean.
You see I'm sick & dirty;
Wait, that's right-
I never let you see.
Behind those screens I hide,
My Master isn't the one I cry to-
Instead I'm lead by you-my enemy.
Your appraisal, your time.
Nothing fits me better than these crimes....
So I think.
I think about what I've done
& how God sent His only son.
But I'm a mess of a man;
Why did You, O God, have to come?
I'll never understand.
God picks me up & seats me at the table.
My old dirty rags are traded for something more stable.
He cried out, "Son, you're home at last."
Funny how all this time I spent thinking the opposite.
Funny how all this time I wasted thinking He was the worst of it.
You don't take away my fun,
You don't take away my talent.
You crown me with love
And you give me a palace.
I don't understand,
I don't get it-
How God's only son died & rose again.
For me, for me He says.
But what have I done other than rattle this old gun?
What have I done but destroy all that matters?
You see, what I thought was peace really lead me behind bars.
What I thought was security really left me broken & weak.
But God doesn't call me a failure.
In His Son I am more than a conquerer.
I am free at last, free at last-
Thank God Almighty we can be free at last!
Don't let me live that way again, Father.
Turn my gaze & my heart to what never falters.
You hold the whole world in your hands,
That includes all of my disasters.

Gospel Conclusions

If you have been following me or just started, you may have read that for the past year I have been "re-reading the Gospels." Last week I just read the last chapter of John. Going through the story of Jesus by the accounts of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John has been a very eye-opening experience to say the least. I obviously did not write a post every time I read a chapter, but as John concludes his writings so I say the same: "And there are also many other things that Jesus did, I suppose not even the world itself could contain the books that would be written." (John 21: 25).

I could go through and tell you all the details about the men, the contrasts between the accounts, and the historic background. Although I love to learn about these things as well, my main objective in this "re-reading" (that all started from a book study during my internship with Global Hope India) was to learn more about Jesus.

I have grown to be very suspicious of any person who says they have read the whole Bible and yet has not let who Jesus was affect them personally. For someone who has grown up in church and  who has walked with God since the age of twelve, I have learned so much more about Jesus than I ever had before.

Jesus simply blows my mind!

Yet, we can not stop there can we? I have heard many people say that they too would have been a follower of Jesus and what Jesus taught were really good morals. Some people even say "Sure, we should listen to him." But Jesus did not just teach good morals nor was He just a good person.

You may say, "Samantha, that's a personal opinion." And I would say, "No, that's the Gospel."

Something that struck a chord with me as I read the book of John is that it seems to be Jesus himself who quotes that famous verse we have all come to know all so well:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoever should believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."- John 3:16

If you are wanting the backstories of these authors, a more in length description of the contrasts between them, and the historic pieces I would recommend reading The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel. However, if you are wanting an encounter with the Jesus-this person whom we as Christians worship and claim to follow, I recommend you to read the Gospels personally.

Every time I read, I thought to myself "Man, I have so much more to learn yet....keep showing me more of who you are, Lord."

Don't just "sit there like a bump on a log," like my Grandma used to say. If you want to know more, seek more!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."-Matthew 7:7-8

You were meant to know who Jesus was, what He taught, and what He did-what He did for you and I.

I want to say that I now "close" this study, but truth is as a believer we never close off our attention to who Jesus was and is. He is the reason we continue on.

But I do say this, another study has been pressing on my heart for some time now and I hope that you would be so intrigued as to join me once again (or for the first time). As I have dove more into who my Savior was, I now want to dive into who He says I am. Who He says we are. I don't know exactly what all of this research will entail, but journey along with me as I start from the beginning...

Genesis here we come!

......

So why The Lion King clip? Because I love The Lion King; 'nuf said. (There is a connection, but you can figure it out) ;)