God Said Read Eph.2 for the Millionth Time

An epiphany just came to me as I thought about these lyrics I heard from a Christian song on the radio yesterday. This concept of I can't love God like He loves me. It's both a breathtaker for those of us who are perfectionist / performers and a slap in the face to the same crowd. It's a reminder of God's enormous love for us and a puzzle. The epiphany came in as I thought about myself and these man I say I "love." I think about how they are not the ones for me because they can't love me the way I love them or need to be loved. Where God comes in is that He is like me-loving those who don't love Him back and He feels the anguish not because they would complete Him but that they need Him. He knows what I'm feeling. He knows. He lives it everyday like I read in Sex God by Rob Bell. His love is perfect because it is sincere, meaning without cracks. But our love is cracked because we're broken. I want to ask why did He make us broken when all of us perfectionist people want to love Him back in the same degree? One) He did not make us broken, He made us real. Two) True love keeps no record of wrongs; thus, nothing needs to be repaid from the perfectionist who thinks their debt that Christ paid can be matched by their performance. God's love is powerful and deserves attention. But does it demand it? Does God command us to love Him? No, not exactly. He demands us to follow His commandments. Why? Because it will go well for us. There again His love shows up for us because He wants what is best for us. But how can we follow something that we do not love? This is  where life and learning styles come in, this is where we are taught "elemental truthes" as the Bible calls it and then we come at some point in our lives to a crossroad. That crossroad is choosing to love God more than thyself or vice versa. How sincere that moment is at accepting His death and resurrection for me, choosing to then pick up my cross (knowing His grace is a gift not a trade-off) is what seals me with the Holy Spirit and ensures my eternity with Him. So it is basically Ephesians 2. I once heard it said that we shouldn't say that when we accept Jesus as our personal Lord and Savior that we were saved. Rather we were saved when He took our place on the cross. Nothing we did provoked or insured our saving other than Jesus Himself. But we have to go to Him, we have to accept Him. There is no personal salvation if we stay where we are. There is Salvation, but not for us as individuals. It is like passing Go on the Monopoly board, you have to pass Go to get the $200. You have to GO through Jesus for salvation. However, you can pass Go and say you want to keep that $200 in the bank. It would be very stupid, because you're only harming yourself and the gift is what no one would pass up. But that's the thing, Jesus's gift to us is a choice, offered to everyone, to benefit the person, if only the person accepts it. Then when that moment finally does come and we accept who He is, who we are, and live in that new creation from that gift and Truth, we are no longer seen as broken but whole. When you're whole you can be sincere, when you're sincere you can truly love. And yet our love will always fall short from the love that God provides towards us every single day. That shouldn't be a discouragement to keep loving Him, but rather a great encouragement for He is greater than anything we can ever think or imagine and we get to be one in that Truth.

My Depression & Our Hope

***Warning: subject contains sensitive material that may be triggers to some suffering from depression & self-harm***

I have had the urge to run-away or kill myself since I was in second-grade. I have hated life ever since  I could comprehend that life is pain.

I have this tendency to take the embarrassment I feel or the correction I receive and twist it to mean: I will never be good enough and no one wants me. Then the philosophical part of me looks at that conclusion, solely believes in it and self-harm begins-both mentally and physically.

I learned about cutting when I was in Junior High from a friend who was participating in it. But way before then I was taking different actions to "harm" myself. From pinching myself, to biting my arm, to pulling out my hair, and to then finally using sharp edges. I remember I would bite myself so hard that the teeth marks would last about a month. When I started using objects to "cut" myself I first did it on the side of my right hand. I would use my Switchfoot wrist band to cover up the scars-I think most kids those days used wrist bands to cover up their scars. The one Christmas photo I ever took with Mother & sister shows my scar that is now covered by a tattoo.

Why did I give in to self-harm? Was it out of an attention deficiency or selfishness like most people guess? Maybe. But one thing for sure, the self-harm configured due my effort in trying to comfort myself from these lies I believed about myself and life. My solution was to perpetuate them with another lie: sex will make everything better.

It began when I was in first grade and my girl friend (who was a few years older than myself) made me climb on top of her butt so we could "make a baby." I knew this wasn't right and I felt uncomfortable. Regardless, that physical feeling stuck with me and I sought out other means to satisfy it. I gave up my virginity last year, but mentally & spirituality gave it up back in elementary school. I became addicted to pornography and even wished (secretly) that when I grew up I could be a Playboy Bunny. Ever since I can remember I created imaginary friends to help sooth my loneliness. Those "friends" really were boyfriends because I believed "Why would a real guy ever like me, let alone be with me?" This separation from reality grew more intense as I discovered technology and I could pose to be the woman men all wanted behind the screen. I don't technically have two personalities, but I sure as hell live like it at times. I can't count how many men have seen me naked. Nor can I fully explain how all of this makes me feel. One moment I'll be feeling like the Queen of the world, the very next I'll feel like absolute shit.

This is where my depression manifests itself. It's when I'm already in that deep, disgusting hole that instead of climbing out, I dig a deeper one....because I think "Who really cares?"

I'm a believer of Jesus, yes. I believe He loves & cares for me more than I could ever grasp, yes. I believe He holds fulfillment, healing, and a purpose for me, yes. However, in all of these things my knowledge and trust in my faith doesn't take away my gut-wrenching feelings of "I'm alone."  It's a battle of the mind for sure. I know I shouldn't follow my feelings for they are not Truth-well, that is what I preach anyways.

The cut marks you see today are from earlier this year. I started using a knife when I moved out to Colorado five years ago. I started using a razor blade last fall. It was as if I was trying to make up for the years I didn't know how to cut myself "properly" (if that makes any sense). I would make my first cut dainty at first, then think about how much of a piece of shit I am, and then just slice it as fast as I could. I would make many marks in one sitting, cover it up with my shirt & watch the blood leak through it. I would lay here on my bed, with one hand holding my little blade and the other arm stretched out. I was in a state of utter separation.

As my scars are healed and fading (because my biracial skin likes erase them), I have several reactions but none of which have made me feel like I am truly cared about. Most every time someone points them out, it makes me want to do it more out of frustration-again with the cycle thing. However just because I have this feeling, I still need someone to pull me aside and notice. Not in the demeanor of: "What are those?" Why do you do that?" "Doesn't it hurt?" "Don't you know you're life and body are important?!" "Don't do that." "That doesn't solve anything." "It's so stupid." All these are real comments and reactions I've gotten-those and a blank stare.

There was one exception to these comments that really stuck with me and it happened this past July as I volunteered at a Christian music festival. A girl about my age, bumped into me and gave me a message from God. I don't always believe in so called prophets but she called me out. She said something along the lines of,

"You want this to be a part of your story but it's not. 

Stop making this who you are; you are not those lies you believe. 

You have gotten a lot better at discerning those voices of Truth from lies, but there was a time you believed whatever any one said. 

Don't listen to them anymore. 

You are beautiful and worthy. 

Your life is important and you will have victory."

Why do I share this with you-an audience who doesn't even know me or if you do claim to "know" me but are flabbergasted by what you've just read, it's because 1) I need help 2) I know I'm not the only one & 3) I'm bored and when I'm bored I make dumb decisions. I would rather make this "dumb" decision of being vulnerable than another one of shame.

My favorite verse in the popular praise song "Ever Be" by Bethel Music is:

"Now you're making me like you

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame

And known by her true name and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips"

I just want a rescuer and a sanctuary. I want to be done with the things I struggle with; I want to stop thinking that death is the only way out and carry out the mission of bringing heaven on Earth. Yet, as one of my favorite cartoon characters, Spongebob, said in one episode, "I'm not always as confident as I look." 

Maybe it is a perfect timing that I writing this right after I announced that I was starting a new study on how God sees us as I announced in my last post. I have not forgotten about the study, I promise! Genesis is basically finished, it's just really time consuming looking up the Hebrew...so I might hold off on that particular part until I actually learn more Hebrew in grad school...Long story short, if anything I have shared today resonates with you I encourage you to come back and do this study with me. Lord, knows I could use your company! Together let us grow, learn, encourage, ignite on another and finish the race marked out for us until the day of completion.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

-Hebrews 12: 1-3

This Is It, This Is Me

It always seems like the best poetry comes when I'm broken
Rather than when I'm clean.
You see I'm sick & dirty;
Wait, that's right-
I never let you see.
Behind those screens I hide,
My Master isn't the one I cry to-
Instead I'm lead by you-my enemy.
Your appraisal, your time.
Nothing fits me better than these crimes....
So I think.
I think about what I've done
& how God sent His only son.
But I'm a mess of a man;
Why did You, O God, have to come?
I'll never understand.
God picks me up & seats me at the table.
My old dirty rags are traded for something more stable.
He cried out, "Son, you're home at last."
Funny how all this time I spent thinking the opposite.
Funny how all this time I wasted thinking He was the worst of it.
You don't take away my fun,
You don't take away my talent.
You crown me with love
And you give me a palace.
I don't understand,
I don't get it-
How God's only son died & rose again.
For me, for me He says.
But what have I done other than rattle this old gun?
What have I done but destroy all that matters?
You see, what I thought was peace really lead me behind bars.
What I thought was security really left me broken & weak.
But God doesn't call me a failure.
In His Son I am more than a conquerer.
I am free at last, free at last-
Thank God Almighty we can be free at last!
Don't let me live that way again, Father.
Turn my gaze & my heart to what never falters.
You hold the whole world in your hands,
That includes all of my disasters.