On Forgiveness and Other Related Things

-What is Running Through My Head On a Daily Bases. This is an Account between My Voice, the World's, Satan's, and God's.-

*Can you distinguish?

"Just this once...just this one time."

"Go ahead no one will see. You're not hurting anybody."

"This life is about you anyway, who should stop you? We all must live and learn from our own mistakes."

"What about those who follow your example?"

"Well, just this last time then...after that, no more."

"Indulge yourself then since it is your last chance. Get the ABSOLUTE most out of it you possibly can, waste no time second-guessing."

"Everyone does this at some point. If the majority is doing it or has done or will, why should you be left out?"

"You are created to be different, to stand up and  to stand out."

"Well, I will just sit here then. I will not move, for if I move I will have greater chances of moving in the direction of this disaster."

"You need to flee."

"It's really soooo easy, though. You know how to do it sooooo well. It will be quick and very tidy because you know how to clean up your tracks. Plus, think about not only how simple it will be but how PLEASURABLE."

"Remember that last time and that one time before that? Remember that really really good time you had. You know all the right moves. You can do this because you deserve that experience again."

"It only lasts for a second"

"It did make me feel great..."

"Yet, deep down you know it is not beneficial and afterward you will regret it...you may even dislike yourself afterward...what would other's feel or think about it? How does it affect them? For everything you do affects them."

"Who cares what others think or feel about it. You look out for number one-YOU!"

"You will never please the crowd anyways. Remember what that person said, how they looked at you? And you thought the world of them...if they don't love you for who you are, why bother to continue to make them happy...or anyone for that matter?!"

"Yeah, that really hurt that they didn't give me the attention I craved. Man, that hurt when he said that about me...why am I never good enough for them?"

"I am always giving you the attention you need."

"You need more. You need to do more. You need to be more."

"You're nothing without this, for this, is what defines you...makes you more appealing, makes you more joyful, makes you more wanted....just look at the range of responses you get."

"Yes, I have always done this...this is who I am...I could never stop...I can not stop now."

"You're stronger than this."

I give in.

"I just did that, I actually just did that..."

"It wasn't that bad, stop overreacting."

"I missed you."

"You should despise yourself. How could you do such a thing?"

"Wait, wait...how could I have heard this was okay, justify and rationalize it but now know for a fact it was not?!"

"Because you're stupid."

"Just come to me."

"On second thought, keep all this to your self...we don't want anything to with it."

"It felt so good, but it did not last."

"Maybe...just maybe if you give it another try...you'll be satisfied."

"The results will always be the same no matter how far or deep you go."

"But maybe...just maybe if you went about it a different way it would last...it could last."

"True, there are so many options out there today. Maybe if you could just cover it up with something else, it wouldn't be so bad."

I shiver and shake...physically wrestling with myself on the inside. Conflicting matters of giving in and the reasons/ benefits of not doing so.

"You've already done it, so why not do it again?"

"Yes, I have already messed up. Why not keep going?"

"You're heading down a road both of us know is an endless cycle that will bring not life but rather death."

"That is rather extreme. We see no immediate consequences..."

"Admit it, you like it. You liked disobeying. You liked being the rebel."

"I....do....enjoy it....but, but...there are better things to come...I know it."

"Good things come to those who wait. Trust me and I will give you the desires of your heart. I have an out-of-this-world plan and future for you."

"Just think about how far you could go...how much you get away with though..."

"You are not promised tomorrow. What if you never receive those desires of your heart? What if you wait for nothing?"

"I am Faithful. Account for all the times I have been there for you."

I weep. I have distorted and destroyed the only true good thing in my life- a relationship with the Holy & Living God, Jesus.

"He wants nothing to do with you. How can such a good God allow to look or hear from someone like you?"

"It's probably time to just fake it. Here put on this mask...go ahead and play their little roles and then come back to who you really are behind locked doors."

"I can't...I can't do this....I am so weak."

"You are made strong in your weakness through me."

"I can't stand myself...I have no words to speak to you...I am speechless, for every word is empty...too many times have I asked for your forgiveness & your kindness...too many times was it for the same thing....the same exact thing."

"You should probably hurt yourself now, you've hurt all these people. You deserve to be punished."

"I took your punishment upon the cross, and it was complete and finished."

"Where's the knife once used?..this will take away the pain."

"....I am a wimp for even in light of self-mutilation I can not conjure up....but I deserve it."

"You should probably not tell anyone these dark secrets. Or else they might put you in a mental hospital, you would lose your job and your friends would just think you're wanting the attention."

"My words are of Living Water. Only I can revive and restore. Come to me, my Beloved."

"How can you love me time and time again? How can you still keep accepting me? I need to do something! I need to make things right somehow."

"Punish yourself. Tell no one, then you eliminate the possibility of feeling worse."

"You should put on you "goody-two-shoes" show. Go read your bible, go pray on bended knee, listen to non-stop "Christian music"...heck starve your self but call it fasting...this is the only way God could ever listen to you again!"

"I desire your heart more than sacrifice."

I make a resolution. I make a contract. I make a vow.

"See God! Look, look I LOVE you this much."

"How pathetic."

"Yes! Yes! This is where you belong-if not in the dirt and grim of your sin, you must then toil over making it up to God."

"How I love. How I have loved you. How I will always love you regardless of what you do or how far you travel. Just be with me."

And I am left defeated by grace that covers me, overwhelms, and conquers my sin, guilt, and shame. There is nothing left to do but accept it, embrace, and get back up from where I have fallen.

"But if you get up too soon, you don't really feel remorse over what you've done."

"As you get back up, make sure to make a grand appearance and spectacle of yourself. Everyone needs to know what a saint you are."

"I am humbled by you my Father, my friend, my Lover."

...not like everyone or everything else

This heart ruptures within

Left breathless

Left with a blur from the light

Staring blankly to the consuming bystanders

Warnings foretold before the traffic took its toll

Unity only comes from a once discord

This complete circle,

We’re walking in circles.

The fight for the perishing does not pinch out

The flame that burns within,

For the presence of another.

Blurting and bursting

Take the pen to the air

We will not drum to the beat of apathy

If we were only one

If only we were on the same page

Christ, told me of a prince to come

Princes, don’t wait for the dragons to defeat

My daughters, don’t rest in luxury,

Paint the marks of battle underneath your brows instead.

Where is the Father to lift up our heads?

Where are the workers that are to be in the fields?

Church, puh…you call this home

What cost has the greatest price brought?

You see, I’ve been thinking

We could make something out of this nothing

Been pondering about this lump in my throat

.

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Till death do us part

I am not a Christian...

I am not a Christian...when or if or just because:

I am not a Christian when I just go to church on Sunday mornings and believe that there is nothing else that separates me from the world. Matthew 23 : 27-28

I am not a Christian if I just consider a measly four walled (or octagon-shaped) building as the "church". Psalm 139: 7-8

I am not a Christian when I have not actively, on my own, sought out what the Bible says instead of/in addition to just listening to what someone preaches about it. Ezekiel 37: 4-6

I am not a Christian due to the fact that I pray before meals or know that my soul will go to heaven when I die. Matthew 25: 1-12

I am not a Christian if what I say onto others I do not reflect, even behind closed doors. 1 Samuel 16: 7

I am not a Christian if my mouth does not recognize the power and responsibility it has. James 3: 9-12

I am not a Christian just because I do not swear, slander, or conform. Matthew 18: 3

I am not a Christian when I speak of standing up for injustice, but when it "hits too close to home" or would be "too hard" I do nothing. James 1: 27

I am not a Christian if I think this life is all about me, or that I can not change/help better the world in some way. Ephesians 4:11-13

I am not a Christian when I do not hold in high esteem (both psychologically & physically) this body that I have been given. 1 Corinthians 6: 19-20

I am not a Christian when I cling to other teachings or philosophies just as much or slightly more than the words of the Holy Bible. Psalms 19: 7-11

I am not a Christian if I countlessly refute other's ways and never my own. Romans 2: 19-23

I am not a Christian just because I have read the whole Bible, front to back, two or more times [or if the only scripture I do know is John 3:16]. 2 Timothy 3: 14-17

I am not a Christian if I do not have a story to tell about how Jesus saved my life personally. John 9:25

I am not a Christian if I do not at least work on understanding what true forgiveness is and am willing to offer that to my offender. Matthew 18: 21-22

Being a Christian means being a Christ-Follower, not a fan. It is about a personal relationship not a religion. Through faith do I believe and the grasp He has on me is never broken.

Matthew 10: 37-39, Romans 6:23, Ephesians 2: 4-9, Romans 8: 38-39

repression

For what it's worth, I've always thought much of you/I face West and you face East, and yet love has never known a closer being as this/...in my mind...so to speak/reaching my hands back to grasp a soul that's so faint/part of my imagination instead...I suppose/I've heard a voice that says a shadow keeps something hidden inside/how do I remember what I thought I've always remembered?/the bruises have long faded and clotted up the blood till the wound was shut/don't you think I'd remember that Offender?/Is there something locked inside that I myself don't have the key to?/love would be simpler if you'd lay next to me when I wake/but dead is faith without deeds.../dead is your escape/I'd rather not keep chasing one that I don't see products of/that smile and your gleam/are they for all to see?/your teasing is explaining your attraction/your eyes hold me locked in one place/I want more of your voice/and all is right, because this is how He made me/isn't it?/those figures of strength have run away just like these diaries/calling upon one as a father never felt so stranger/one is kept silent by his own and another speaks of exasperation due to an adulterer/do you come from the faithful?/is culture making your lips run lose/come here dear, and let me listen to your sweet sweet tones of lumber/I fear that first step/to tell you're all that's on this heart/won't you take  the risk  instead?/in my dream a young man hit his head/a little blow, yet another makes sure the popular are sunk/I fear closeness/let's not label that as emptiness/I've interpreted all of these signs, what is the worth? becomes my conclusion