*Can you distinguish?
"Just this once...just this one time."
"Go ahead no one will see. You're not hurting anybody."
"This life is about you anyway, who should stop you? We all must live and learn from our own mistakes."
"What about those who follow your example?"
"Well, just this last time then...after that, no more."
"Indulge yourself then since it is your last chance. Get the ABSOLUTE most out of it you possibly can, waste no time second-guessing."
"Everyone does this at some point. If the majority is doing it or has done or will, why should you be left out?"
"You are created to be different, to stand up and to stand out."
"Well, I will just sit here then. I will not move, for if I move I will have greater chances of moving in the direction of this disaster."
"You need to flee."
"It's really soooo easy, though. You know how to do it sooooo well. It will be quick and very tidy because you know how to clean up your tracks. Plus, think about not only how simple it will be but how PLEASURABLE."
"Remember that last time and that one time before that? Remember that really really good time you had. You know all the right moves. You can do this because you deserve that experience again."
"It only lasts for a second"
"It did make me feel great..."
"Yet, deep down you know it is not beneficial and afterward you will regret it...you may even dislike yourself afterward...what would other's feel or think about it? How does it affect them? For everything you do affects them."
"Who cares what others think or feel about it. You look out for number one-YOU!"
"You will never please the crowd anyways. Remember what that person said, how they looked at you? And you thought the world of them...if they don't love you for who you are, why bother to continue to make them happy...or anyone for that matter?!"
"Yeah, that really hurt that they didn't give me the attention I craved. Man, that hurt when he said that about me...why am I never good enough for them?"
"I am always giving you the attention you need."
"You need more. You need to do more. You need to be more."
"You're nothing without this, for this, is what defines you...makes you more appealing, makes you more joyful, makes you more wanted....just look at the range of responses you get."
"Yes, I have always done this...this is who I am...I could never stop...I can not stop now."
"You're stronger than this."
I give in.
"I just did that, I actually just did that..."
"It wasn't that bad, stop overreacting."
"I missed you."
"You should despise yourself. How could you do such a thing?"
"Wait, wait...how could I have heard this was okay, justify and rationalize it but now know for a fact it was not?!"
"Because you're stupid."
"Just come to me."
"On second thought, keep all this to your self...we don't want anything to with it."
"It felt so good, but it did not last."
"Maybe...just maybe if you give it another try...you'll be satisfied."
"The results will always be the same no matter how far or deep you go."
"But maybe...just maybe if you went about it a different way it would last...it could last."
"True, there are so many options out there today. Maybe if you could just cover it up with something else, it wouldn't be so bad."
I shiver and shake...physically wrestling with myself on the inside. Conflicting matters of giving in and the reasons/ benefits of not doing so.
"You've already done it, so why not do it again?"
"Yes, I have already messed up. Why not keep going?"
"You're heading down a road both of us know is an endless cycle that will bring not life but rather death."
"That is rather extreme. We see no immediate consequences..."
"Admit it, you like it. You liked disobeying. You liked being the rebel."
"I....do....enjoy it....but, but...there are better things to come...I know it."
"Good things come to those who wait. Trust me and I will give you the desires of your heart. I have an out-of-this-world plan and future for you."
"Just think about how far you could go...how much you get away with though..."
"You are not promised tomorrow. What if you never receive those desires of your heart? What if you wait for nothing?"
"I am Faithful. Account for all the times I have been there for you."
I weep. I have distorted and destroyed the only true good thing in my life- a relationship with the Holy & Living God, Jesus.
"He wants nothing to do with you. How can such a good God allow to look or hear from someone like you?"
"It's probably time to just fake it. Here put on this mask...go ahead and play their little roles and then come back to who you really are behind locked doors."
"I can't...I can't do this....I am so weak."
"You are made strong in your weakness through me."
"I can't stand myself...I have no words to speak to you...I am speechless, for every word is empty...too many times have I asked for your forgiveness & your kindness...too many times was it for the same thing....the same exact thing."
"You should probably hurt yourself now, you've hurt all these people. You deserve to be punished."
"I took your punishment upon the cross, and it was complete and finished."
"Where's the knife once used?..this will take away the pain."
"....I am a wimp for even in light of self-mutilation I can not conjure up....but I deserve it."
"You should probably not tell anyone these dark secrets. Or else they might put you in a mental hospital, you would lose your job and your friends would just think you're wanting the attention."
"My words are of Living Water. Only I can revive and restore. Come to me, my Beloved."
"How can you love me time and time again? How can you still keep accepting me? I need to do something! I need to make things right somehow."
"Punish yourself. Tell no one, then you eliminate the possibility of feeling worse."
"You should put on you "goody-two-shoes" show. Go read your bible, go pray on bended knee, listen to non-stop "Christian music"...heck starve your self but call it fasting...this is the only way God could ever listen to you again!"
"I desire your heart more than sacrifice."
I make a resolution. I make a contract. I make a vow.
"See God! Look, look I LOVE you this much."
"How pathetic."
"Yes! Yes! This is where you belong-if not in the dirt and grim of your sin, you must then toil over making it up to God."
"How I love. How I have loved you. How I will always love you regardless of what you do or how far you travel. Just be with me."
And I am left defeated by grace that covers me, overwhelms, and conquers my sin, guilt, and shame. There is nothing left to do but accept it, embrace, and get back up from where I have fallen.
"But if you get up too soon, you don't really feel remorse over what you've done."
"As you get back up, make sure to make a grand appearance and spectacle of yourself. Everyone needs to know what a saint you are."
"I am humbled by you my Father, my friend, my Lover."
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