When "Worship" Hurts

Moving Forward In Trauma

Church service has begun. (If you go to a more contemporary church service) the band goes on stage with their gleaming guitars, loud snares, and rough bass; the environment is meant to bring on feelings of welcome and excitement. The lights are dimmed except for on those now leading the crowd into a high-volumed, upbeat time of worship. However instead of being drawn into this moment of togetherness with God's people, your mind is a thousand miles elsewhere. Your heart starts to ache as if it was just stabbed instead of it's rhythmic beating with enthrallment. The song "How great is our God" (a 2004 hit worship song by the artist by Chris Tomlin) doesn't ring true at this moment, instead you'd rather be singing "Love Hurts" (the 1975 hit by the artist Cher). Tears flow down your face as soon as the band switches to the minor chords, but it's not because they're singing about Jesus' sacrifice...

Have you ever experienced this? 

I have recently been finding myself in this position...again. These types of moments can be spurred on by many things. A death in the family, a scandal in a marriage, an incurable illness, an overwhelming addiction....to name a few.

Currently, for me it's been because the new church I have been visiting reminds me of a huge developing period in my life that ended in shambles. It may seem like such a small thing, but let's keep in mind that everyone can experience trauma in different ways, shapes, and forms. 

For those who know me, from junior high to senior year of high school I was heavily involved in a church youth group. I, along with many of those I called close friends, were a part of a ministry team that coordinated many events, were trained in evangelism and team building; we went on numerous trips together, we learned and grew from each other in accountability groups and Bible Studies. That place became my second home. It was where I came to know Jesus, where I discovered my gifts and passions, where I felt accepted, and appreciated. It was my everything. 

But then dramas started to boil to their head, things we were taught were lies about others turned out to be truths; our youth leader's wife had sex with one of the students and got pregnant; pastors kept material from the police and the public, the lead pastor became egocentric, students attendance dwindled either because of this or because of the incompetence of the new youth leader, and many just left the faith all together.

It's been seven years since I graduated high school and since I left that church but the memories are still very vivid... when I say, memories, I mean emotions. 

Throughout these years, I have seen many people take different responses to such tragedies. Some deny such things ever happened and continue to only see the good; while some have shut themselves indoors to hide from anyone else who could ever hurt them. People have moved, some stayed. The church still stands (in my case anyways).

So here I am, asking myself once again, "How do I move on?" 

As a very self-aware person, I can't help but also take a look at my own life and see what sins I bring to the table as well-not being ignorant to the fact that we are all broken people and not just those who caused the heartache (Note, this is NOT saying you deserve what happened or belittling the incident). I have often prayed that God would make me forget such horrific things (both things I have experienced and done)....yet, I have found that we can't just forget the bad memories without it also taking with it some of the good. 

What do I mean? 

Here is what Robert Berezin, M.D (a psychologist and author) briefly says on the matter in his article "Erasing Bad Memories Is a False Cure for PTSD" on PsychologyToday.com: 

   "First of all, it is not even plausible that we can remove specific neurons that map traumatic memory and then all is well. The operations of memory and feeling are far too complex."

Robert Berezin also mentions that the only cure is basically working through it-a lifetime of working through it:

read article

"Mourning Is The Key"         

As a follower of Jesus, the Holy Spirit reminds me that He has been with me through all of these things-the good, the bad, the ugly. It is through God's omnipotence and omnipresence I have come to know that He is good, faithful, and true when the world was/is not (Psalm 139, Hosea 11, The book of Job, and others). With Christ I can do all things (Phil. 4:12-13), which means going through this healing process and becoming whole again.

Right now I can't sit in that church and sing those songs from years past because it feels like salt in the wound. But I can sit here and through a new song come to realize, God can take my past hurt and brokenness to help encourage you who sit in the same boat (because I know you do!) to not lose heart!  

I would love to hear your stories, no matter how short they are on how you are experiencing God the Healer. Please comment below. May we build each other up to be a strong, healthy, maturing body of Christ.   

Romans 12: 9-21

"Rejoice with those who rejoice;
mourn with those who mourn."