The more I read of Mark (and in conjunction with where I am in life mentally) the more I feel like the disciples didn't struggle with (just) not understanding Jesus' teachings but that they didn't understand His love.
"As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” Immediatly, they left their nets and followed him.
When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. Immediatly, he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him."
-Mark 1: 16-20 (emphasis mine)
The disciples immediately left. They immediately followed. They immediately gave up their security, their livelihood, their family, their comforts, and their surroundings. Gerd Theissen's fictional account of the Jesus movement in the first century called The Shadow of the Galilean paints an empathetic induced picture of what it must have been like for the families of the disciples. Historians tell us that many "messiahs" or what we would call cult leaders were rising up during this time. The political scene was tense, but the divisions among the Jewish community was even more so. Jews were not only facing Roman oppression and fighting for their religious rights but had disagreements on what religious aspects needed to be implemented. Leaders and sects rose up expanding over the political and religious scene. People were desperate for another Maccabean Revolt and the youth became anxious about bringing reform. Many abandoned their homes for the sake of something better, leaving their families to fend for themselves. The collectivistic culture shaped around honor and patronage was being redefined, and Jesus certainly helped at doing this. Peter rightly exclaims later in Mark, “We have left everything to follow you!”
Leaving to join this new "rabbi" (teacher) was normal. What wasn't normal was the way Jesus went about things. He was popular but desired those He healed not to tell anyone. He spoke in parables (symbolic stories) but only explained them to some. He hung out with "sinners/ the unclean" but was called the "beloved Son of God." He called out the Pharisees and Scribes (Jewish religious leaders) but said "unless your righteousness surpasses them you will never enter heaven."
The twelve men (ages varied) whom Jesus chose to follow Him saw all of this.
They experienced how Jesus was odd, but how he was also very compassionate. He touched the crippled, He spoke with the possessed, He gave to the needy. He was caring; He fed the hungry, He listened to the people's cries, He resurrected the dead.
Often times we who have grown up in church hackle the disciples for their "stupidity moments." We read about how they didn't understand something as simple as human digestion (Mark 7: 17-23) or about how they were worried about not having enough bread (two times!-8: 1-10, 14-21) even though they had seen Jesus multiple it before (6: 30-44), but despite the arguments made by theologians who say "they didn't understand because they didn't have the Holy Spirit yet." I want to argue and say it had a correlation to their context.
The disciples most likely were bursting with excitement that this miracle worker was doing something in their dire generational needs, but that excitement soon turned to confusion and fear. Way before the disciples dispersed after the crucifixion, Jesus was ahead of the ball game in freaking them out:
"That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"
-Mark: 4:35-41 (emphasis mine)
"Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened."
-Mark 6: 45-52 (emphasis mine)
Despite seeing, knowing, experiencing, and living with Jesus who was compassionate, caring, and loving they still had legitimate concerns, fears, and confusion. Despite how Jesus treated the crowds, it wouldn't surprise me if the disciples still in the back of their minds wondered, "But...do you CARE for ME?....But...do you have COMPASSION for ME?....But...do you LOVE...me?"
Would Jesus end up a flake or killed like the other "messiahs?" Would He leave them with nothing and have them running back home with their 'tails tucked behind their legs?'
He did. He most certainly did.
But the good news is that He didn't have them stay that way.
He gave them something that nobody or thing could ever take away.
Through His death and resurrection, He showed them that His care for them was surely never-ending...nor was His compassion...and never His love.
As followers of Jesus today it wouldn't shock me if we come across just as clueless as the disciples did at times because deep down we still ask, "But...do you really love me, Jesus?"
Sometimes it may seem like God is taking care of everyone else but you. It may seem like even your enemies are receiving blessings while you're stuck sitting in the rain.
You have seen God's presence, you have witnessed His power, but this time for whatever reason feels different.
Your "primitive brain" seems to say, "It's time to freak out!" drowning out the more "mature" parts of your brain that says, "It will be ok." The Biblical truth of "Jesus loves me" is easier said and taught than realized and lived.
We see that the disciples were relatable. Their emotions and concerns were valid, just as are yours. Jesus addressed their situation and their faith. I believe Jesus does the same for us today. Will you take this time and mediate over these questions with me:
- What situation(s) are you wanting Jesus to address?
- What in your life is making you question Jesus' care, compassion, and love?
- When was the last time you confessed to the Lord that you were simply terrified? Do you feel safe telling God your fears, why or why not?
- How has God responded to your situations before; how have you seen His love?
- How does knowing God's love will never let you go change how you respond to your circumstances?
- How can you be compassionate, caring, and loving to yourself today through the power of the Holy Spirit?
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