The Lord's (part one)

האדון                                             Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.—Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? -Macbeth Act 5, scene 1, 26–40 What does your tattoo say? =it says "The Lord" in Hebrew What does it mean? =it means that my body belongs to the Lord Why did you get it? =so I can remind myself of what God has saved me from What has He saved you from? =my sexual addictions Why did you choice to have it on your right hand? =other than reading Isaiah 44: 5  one day in High school and deciding I wanted a tattoo lol I got it there for a few reasons. One of them being that I used to physically harm myself from the weight of my guilt. God lead me to scriptures such as Hebrews 10:18 where it says "And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary." Several attempts had been made on my part to stop my lusting and other impure actions, but no matter what what I tried I always slipped back.-And sometimes more than willingly!Which absolutely disgusted me and still does! But when God lead me to this verse, I knew He knew what I was trying to do in my frustrations with myself-pay for my own sin. I could not, absolutely could not face Jesus (who was 100 % blameless) taking my payment and death. God said, "Samantha, it is done. It has been done, you can not take it back. I came for you and I love you. I loved you even though I saw your sin. And I willing died for you. Accept my grace, accept this gift." The other scripture that really grasped me in overcoming this shame was 2 Corinthians 7:10 which says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." I had seen now how what I had was "worldly sorrow" and not "godly sorrow" and my way was certainly leading me further from life-true life, Christ. I wasn't stopping my efforts in still sinning even with a bloody wrist, again my ways were a hopeless cycle. I needed someone bigger than me, I needed a Lover, a Father and Best Friend. Why did you choose to have it in Hebrew? =Because I wanted to honor the fact that God first called the Hebrews as His chosen people and the same promise that He extended to them has now extended to all people through Jesus Christ Ephesians 2:11-22 Just in case you've ever wondered. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfDhctu3adk 

האדון

On Forgiveness and Other Related Things

-What is Running Through My Head On a Daily Bases. This is an Account between My Voice, the World's, Satan's, and God's.-

*Can you distinguish?

"Just this once...just this one time."

"Go ahead no one will see. You're not hurting anybody."

"This life is about you anyway, who should stop you? We all must live and learn from our own mistakes."

"What about those who follow your example?"

"Well, just this last time then...after that, no more."

"Indulge yourself then since it is your last chance. Get the ABSOLUTE most out of it you possibly can, waste no time second-guessing."

"Everyone does this at some point. If the majority is doing it or has done or will, why should you be left out?"

"You are created to be different, to stand up and  to stand out."

"Well, I will just sit here then. I will not move, for if I move I will have greater chances of moving in the direction of this disaster."

"You need to flee."

"It's really soooo easy, though. You know how to do it sooooo well. It will be quick and very tidy because you know how to clean up your tracks. Plus, think about not only how simple it will be but how PLEASURABLE."

"Remember that last time and that one time before that? Remember that really really good time you had. You know all the right moves. You can do this because you deserve that experience again."

"It only lasts for a second"

"It did make me feel great..."

"Yet, deep down you know it is not beneficial and afterward you will regret it...you may even dislike yourself afterward...what would other's feel or think about it? How does it affect them? For everything you do affects them."

"Who cares what others think or feel about it. You look out for number one-YOU!"

"You will never please the crowd anyways. Remember what that person said, how they looked at you? And you thought the world of them...if they don't love you for who you are, why bother to continue to make them happy...or anyone for that matter?!"

"Yeah, that really hurt that they didn't give me the attention I craved. Man, that hurt when he said that about me...why am I never good enough for them?"

"I am always giving you the attention you need."

"You need more. You need to do more. You need to be more."

"You're nothing without this, for this, is what defines you...makes you more appealing, makes you more joyful, makes you more wanted....just look at the range of responses you get."

"Yes, I have always done this...this is who I am...I could never stop...I can not stop now."

"You're stronger than this."

I give in.

"I just did that, I actually just did that..."

"It wasn't that bad, stop overreacting."

"I missed you."

"You should despise yourself. How could you do such a thing?"

"Wait, wait...how could I have heard this was okay, justify and rationalize it but now know for a fact it was not?!"

"Because you're stupid."

"Just come to me."

"On second thought, keep all this to your self...we don't want anything to with it."

"It felt so good, but it did not last."

"Maybe...just maybe if you give it another try...you'll be satisfied."

"The results will always be the same no matter how far or deep you go."

"But maybe...just maybe if you went about it a different way it would last...it could last."

"True, there are so many options out there today. Maybe if you could just cover it up with something else, it wouldn't be so bad."

I shiver and shake...physically wrestling with myself on the inside. Conflicting matters of giving in and the reasons/ benefits of not doing so.

"You've already done it, so why not do it again?"

"Yes, I have already messed up. Why not keep going?"

"You're heading down a road both of us know is an endless cycle that will bring not life but rather death."

"That is rather extreme. We see no immediate consequences..."

"Admit it, you like it. You liked disobeying. You liked being the rebel."

"I....do....enjoy it....but, but...there are better things to come...I know it."

"Good things come to those who wait. Trust me and I will give you the desires of your heart. I have an out-of-this-world plan and future for you."

"Just think about how far you could go...how much you get away with though..."

"You are not promised tomorrow. What if you never receive those desires of your heart? What if you wait for nothing?"

"I am Faithful. Account for all the times I have been there for you."

I weep. I have distorted and destroyed the only true good thing in my life- a relationship with the Holy & Living God, Jesus.

"He wants nothing to do with you. How can such a good God allow to look or hear from someone like you?"

"It's probably time to just fake it. Here put on this mask...go ahead and play their little roles and then come back to who you really are behind locked doors."

"I can't...I can't do this....I am so weak."

"You are made strong in your weakness through me."

"I can't stand myself...I have no words to speak to you...I am speechless, for every word is empty...too many times have I asked for your forgiveness & your kindness...too many times was it for the same thing....the same exact thing."

"You should probably hurt yourself now, you've hurt all these people. You deserve to be punished."

"I took your punishment upon the cross, and it was complete and finished."

"Where's the knife once used?..this will take away the pain."

"....I am a wimp for even in light of self-mutilation I can not conjure up....but I deserve it."

"You should probably not tell anyone these dark secrets. Or else they might put you in a mental hospital, you would lose your job and your friends would just think you're wanting the attention."

"My words are of Living Water. Only I can revive and restore. Come to me, my Beloved."

"How can you love me time and time again? How can you still keep accepting me? I need to do something! I need to make things right somehow."

"Punish yourself. Tell no one, then you eliminate the possibility of feeling worse."

"You should put on you "goody-two-shoes" show. Go read your bible, go pray on bended knee, listen to non-stop "Christian music"...heck starve your self but call it fasting...this is the only way God could ever listen to you again!"

"I desire your heart more than sacrifice."

I make a resolution. I make a contract. I make a vow.

"See God! Look, look I LOVE you this much."

"How pathetic."

"Yes! Yes! This is where you belong-if not in the dirt and grim of your sin, you must then toil over making it up to God."

"How I love. How I have loved you. How I will always love you regardless of what you do or how far you travel. Just be with me."

And I am left defeated by grace that covers me, overwhelms, and conquers my sin, guilt, and shame. There is nothing left to do but accept it, embrace, and get back up from where I have fallen.

"But if you get up too soon, you don't really feel remorse over what you've done."

"As you get back up, make sure to make a grand appearance and spectacle of yourself. Everyone needs to know what a saint you are."

"I am humbled by you my Father, my friend, my Lover."

...not like everyone or everything else

This heart ruptures within

Left breathless

Left with a blur from the light

Staring blankly to the consuming bystanders

Warnings foretold before the traffic took its toll

Unity only comes from a once discord

This complete circle,

We’re walking in circles.

The fight for the perishing does not pinch out

The flame that burns within,

For the presence of another.

Blurting and bursting

Take the pen to the air

We will not drum to the beat of apathy

If we were only one

If only we were on the same page

Christ, told me of a prince to come

Princes, don’t wait for the dragons to defeat

My daughters, don’t rest in luxury,

Paint the marks of battle underneath your brows instead.

Where is the Father to lift up our heads?

Where are the workers that are to be in the fields?

Church, puh…you call this home

What cost has the greatest price brought?

You see, I’ve been thinking

We could make something out of this nothing

Been pondering about this lump in my throat

.

.

.

.

Till death do us part