Relatable Disciples

The more I read of Mark (and in conjunction with where I am in life mentally) the more I feel like the disciples didn't struggle with (just) not understanding Jesus' teachings but that they didn't understand His love. 

Psalm from Psalms

What has our God done?

What has my God done?

Of late, of late?

He holds me with His righteous right hand-

I do not faint, do not faint.

Make music from the heart,

Sing to Him-

This the Spirit commands.

Voices in my head,

Where is my Master?

The battle against flesh, my flesh,

Is always there 

Don't forget the true enemy-

In an odd way he cares, he cares.

To bring us down away from Truth,

From light,

From love,

From peace 

Come be with me, LORD.

Come be with me.

Without you I am weak.

Morning, o'morning

Recite to me His love song 

When night comes, let the melody remain.

Forgive me, Abba-

I don't bring what you deserve.

Forgive me, my King-

I intentionally fall short.

Come fill this life,

This temporary life,

This blink of an eye,

This dust brought to life 

I long for your gates,

I long for your rest.

Help me give you my best!

Forgive me of my pride, lust, & jealousy.

Lord, help me rejoice with the assembly.

All creation knows you.

All humanity will bow.

I thank you for this moment,

Thank you for memories-

It's you alone who've taken me so far 

And places...

Cheers, to the season of changes! 

Where Am I?

When you feel yourself relating more with the snake

When being the symbolic Israel turns literal

When you're holding on but find that it's midst

When you fear your future but fear the past more

When the LORD is silent, yet beckoning

Maybe I'm losing it

Maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be

Maybe this knife in my chest is healing

Healing my fantasies

Healing my lies

Healing my beliefs

I come to no crossroad

I come to no revealed path

I come to no wide, open field

I've come to God at last. 

Probably The Beginning of A Book or Something

***The following is a brief expression of my personal journey these last few months and is in no way shaming those who hurt me or think differently than me. I am ever-growing and learning; thus, I make it clear that what I write below is incomplete.  There is always more that can be and shall be said at a later point. My beliefs do not speak for those communities with whom I am a part of or share commonalities.***

Loving God. Loving My Sexuality.

Before Jesus gave His famous “Sermon on the Mount” speech people came to Him.

The afflicted, the suffering, those in pain, the ones who were ill,

the ones who were heartbroken, those of all different socio-economical backgrounds,

people who were bogged down by the religious and government authority,

those eager for more, those forgotten, those shamed,

those who were hated, those who lived “sinfully,”

those who were "wrong," "right" and in between,

they all came to Him (Matthew 4:23-25).

Purity

To understand “purity” as a Christian I feel like we have to go back to the Jewish roots. Jewish Purity involved being set apart in space (for example a temple is a holy space versus one’s house), time (for example having the Sabbath), diet (for example not eating pork), and body (for example bodily fluids made one unclean). The Laws we find in Leviticus involve these four categories because they revolve around YHWH, Israel’s God, being the Most Holy, different, unique, the one true God and King. I have made a link to a paper I wrote a couple semesters ago called Jewish Purity Culture if you are interested in reading more in-depth. The paper's concepts come from DeSilva’s Honor, Patronage, Kinship, & Purity: Unlocking New Testament Culture book. God’s people were to be reflections of who He was/is. This standard has not changed. What has changed is that we don’t have to make ourselves clean/pure anymore because Jesus has done the “dirty work” for us. Through Jesus, we are forever sanctified (made holy).

So how and when did we move from rejoicing in what Jesus has done for us solely focusing on sexual purity?

I don’t know how to exactly nor fully answer that question. One thing I do know is that as Christians many of us have become no better than the Jewish leaders during Jesus’ time. In an effort to keep the Law of Moses, the religious leaders added a whole other set (note hundreds) of other laws to make sure they wouldn’t break the Law. It was the Mishnah versus the Talmud, the oral law verses the written Law. Jesus reminded (more like brutally called out) the Pharisees for missing the point. Adding more Laws was never going to solve the core issue. The Law was never meant to save. That was Jesus’ job(check out the book Hebrews). As Christians we too have added laws on top of laws when it comes to sexuality, missing the point and distorting the word purity. Someone from my past church shared this blog post with me that sheds a little more light on this-Purity Is About More than Sexuality. 

This brings us to the Christian Purity Culture. An extremely beautiful and well-done short-film that shows one of many ways the Christian Purity Culture was heartbreaking is the  Little Lantern written and directed by Summer Wagner. The narrative told to this young girl is what many of us who grew up in the church have heard.  

This brings me to my picture....it doesn’t really need much explaining now does it…but just in case there are those who don't understand it below the "fuck this" written in rainbow colors is a drawing I did as a junior high student who severely suppressed and punished herself due to her sexuality.

Now seems like a good time to talk about sin, however. This past semester I wrote a paper about sin and sexuality called Where does Sin Meet God's Gift? I was leaping with excitement to be doing this research. If you have read my other blog posts, you will see that I am pretty honest with my struggles, my biggest struggle was always what the Christian Evangelical background would call “being impure.” I came to hate my sexual inclinations so much that it drove me to self-harm. Through years of different therapists, friends, family, my education, and walking with the Lord I have come to see what is sin and what is not. It wasn’t until four or five years ago did I dismantle this belief that masturbation was a sin in itself. And it wasn’t until this summer that I dismantled this belief that homosexuality as a loving relationship was a sin...something I told myself over and over again that I would never change my mind on...I’ve rarely been one to write about hot topics but on July 18, 2017, I wrote a post called Toughy Touchy Subject (a post I have recently taken down). I did my best, as I have with most (not all) conversations about homosexuality, to explain how this sin was not worse than any other, how God loved us equally, how attraction to the same sex/gender was fine, but the not the sexual act. I am not going to lie and say that I had a problem with what I believed or taught nor can I say that in my heart I felt like something was wrong, that this didn’t make sense. It made sense to me at the time. It still made sense to me although I had my first homosexual crush in college. It made sense to me although I was more sexually aroused by women than men. It made sense to me although several people I know and were friends with were part of the LBGTQ+ community.  

LBGTQ+

Becoming open and affirming (ONA) didn’t happen overnight, how could it based on what I just shared with you! I was grounded in what seemed like a firm foundation. I hurt a lot of people, but I thought that them knowing the “truth” was worth the cost. I started exploring my sexuality again this summer, something left off from years ago, and reading more about this topic while my attraction grew stronger for another woman. There were several reasons why I wasn’t going to pursue this crush, so reading wasn’t unbalanced but involved both pro and con arguments. I asked people to pray, I journaled, met with more counselors, and listened to podcasts/videos, etc….My one counselor (because I was seeing two) asked somewhat sarcastically, “Do you believe you will find your answer in a book?” In some aspects, I did/do. 

I've come to identify as being omnisexual. What that means to me is that I like all genders but not regardless of their gender; I have for the most part been attracted to cisgender males but other times have not. I have come to understand sexuality is a fluid thing, we can’t help who we are attracted to, and there are different types of attraction (i.e physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) I  understand and am unashamed for having a high sex drive. As a Christian omnisexual cisfemale I  highly value YHWH’s lordship of my life. Just like in a hetero relationship I am not going to have sex with just whoever whenever, but with someone I have mutual love with and who respects me. A healthy list of sexual ethics by an LBGTQ+ organization can be found here: https://www.qchristian.org/ethics. I have not always had sex/sexual experiences based on those conditions, but that doesn’t make me less of a Christian or a person.  

I know that I don't owe anyone an explanation of why I have become ONA, but writing things out has always helped me process. I hope maybe it can be insightful and encouraging to those who are in similar shoes. 

Of course, coming out I faced and do still face many fears. I acknowledge and want to show honor to those who have come out before me-especially those who have faced bigger hardships. The internal questions I had to face were: am I just justifying? What other things will I justify? Am I just people-pleasing? How do I apologize to those I told this was a sin? Who do I come out to and how and when? The list goes on and on.

For the most part, I have received support. Actually, so much so that I had forgotten that there were going to be many who were going to oppose me….my church is one of them. I was not surprised by my church’s response nor any others who are not ONA. The arguments are nothing new, nothing I myself have not said before. 

I have heard it said by Christian LBGTQ+ people that they feel (I included) that they are “too Christian for the LBGTQ+ community and too gay for the Christian community.” The tension and loneliness is no doubt real. We are still in a revolution. Change takes time, but I’m praying change comes. 

Pride

In youth group we were taught pride was an ugly word; to have it was just as despicable as having sex before marriage. I came to hate the word so much that once in high school when we were given shirts that said PRIDE on them to celebrate our unique mascot I immediately designated it to be pajamas so no one could see it. Nowadays, I have discovered, with the help of many therapists and friends, that pride has degrees. The degree of pride that is unhealthy says, “I am the best. I know it all. I am better than everyone. I am number one.” or the like. The degree of pride that is healthy says, “I did well at this. I celebrate this. This is worth noting.” or the like. As a friend pointed out, this is both the beauty and frustrating part of language. Pride literally means both things, there isn’t just one definition.  

I obviously don’t speak for every Christian LBGTQ+ person, but what I have come to understand, embrace, and partake in the Gay Pride aspect is that we can have a healthy confidence in who we are. When I say I have pride I am saying, “I rejoice in who I am. I am thankful for who I am. I am free to be me.” We are able to have pride because all many of us knew before was shame. We are able to have pride because there've been battles, oppression, and sorrow.  We are able to have pride because many before us weren’t able to.  One person having been bullied, ostracized, beaten, and killed because they were gay is one too many.

After healing them,

Jesus spoke and said, “Blessed are you…” (Matt. 5: 3-12).

They came to Jesus because of who He was,

they listened to Jesus because of what He did.

Jesus showed them He was Life

and then spoke words of life.

He called what others said was "dirty, lost, forgettable, unworthy, weak"

BLESSED.

Blessed. Are. You.

Looked upon with favor you are, He said

Showered in love you are, He said

Ensured with hope you are, He said.

Times are changing.

Don't give up, He said.

Love is love and any love is not sin. If you are anything like I was, I can imagine you are wanting to scream out, ”But we can love the wrong things!” No. There is no law against love. Jesus said, "Do not love your mother, father, or life more than me," (Matthew 10) not "Do not love them at all." True love looks like this: 1 Cor 13:4-7.

To say that "love is love" for me does not replace that God is love. For me, it's loving the Lord with all of who I am. He knows all of me, holds all of me. Where the sin is and where it's not.

Scripture

As I have been “researching” (I use the term lightly) I have come across many ONA statements that I don’t agree with. One of them is that since Jesus never said anything directly about homosexuality, there’s nothing wrong with it. As a seminary student, I firmly disagree with this statement. To discredit the other authors of the Bible because they are not Jesus is still discrediting God because it’s speaking against the Holy Spirit. I am a believer that “all scripture is God-breathed” (2 Timothy 3: 16) and that Paul’s letters were accepted by the apostles as having equal authority (2 Peter 3:15-16). With stating this I recognize that Paul’s letters have been very problematic; Peter says so himself (see 2 Peter 3:15-16 again)! The reasons why Paul’s words were difficult in the days of the early church are different than the reasons now, but I think the solution remains the same. Peter accuses the unlearned of twisting scripture (something I imagine many ONA Christians have been accused of). If you don’t understand something, what do you do? You get educated. I am not advocating to go into thousands of dollars of debt like myself, but I am advocating for you to dive deeper into the Word. Ask the hard questions, read commentaries, join Bible studies, and fellowship with believers. 

Something that I have been learning these last couple of years is the importance of the author's intent and how the message solely catered to that specific culture. For example, we take Jer. 29:11 out of context all the time (I am not exempt).  This passage is about the Israelites returning back to Jerusalem, not us-although it is still true that God gives us hope & a future. Thus, principles from the O.T are timeless. We have jumped to solely relying on our interpretation of scripture and its application to our specific scenarios that we have forgotten the original message. Not everything in scripture is about us or can be applied to us, but that does not mean we set it aside. As my one professor stated, “There is only ONE interpretation and MANY applications.” Learning that one interpretation comes by recognizing the lens you look through and doing what you can to set that aside. 

So as gay Christians, where do we go from here? As lovers of God reading and heeding His Word is essential. If you are wanting to find a church near you that is ONA here is one website that might help: https://openandaffirming.org/ona/find/. If an organized church is not what you need, that is perfectly fine. We can't deny that scripture has been used to justify some horrendous things. We can't deny that at face value some of the words come off as offensive. The Word will be offensive! But offense should never be due to a person feeling less than!  

Some of our deep theological questions can still be answered by the Orthodox Church Fathers, but other things can not. Some things need to be deconstructed and that is ok. I have come to learn that we are all (as Christians) at some point both orthodox and heretics in our theology. The goal is that we grow in love. (2 Peter 1:5:8, Hebrews 12: 14, Colossians 3:12-14, John 13: 34-35)

Bible, Science, Psy.

I have been accused of forgetting or replacing my identity in Christ due to accepting this new part of me. I have known and walked with the Lord since I was twelve years old. My identity, although shaped in many regards by the churches, youth groups, and organizations I have been part of, does not have the final word in who I am. I learned long ago to worship God not man. My identity is first and foremost ever in Christ Jesus, I am a child of God, indwelled by the Holy Spirit. Let my actions of seeking justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly (Micah 6:8) be a testimony to that!

My sexuality is just one part of me. Just because this subject is left untouched in scripture (like a lot of things are) does not mean that they are unimportant or not from God. The different kinds of sciences can help us better understand our world and ourselves. King Solomon, when he asked for wisdom, God blessed him with the capability to study the world around him-botany, sociology, politics, etc. To gather knowledge and wisdom from sources outside the Bible is not going against God. It is a gift from God.

Some helpful resources to me have been:

-The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

-Sex God by Rob Bell

-God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines

-(hope to read soon, but know a lot about) Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber

*Just because I quote these authors does not mean I agree with everything they've ever said.*

Death of Dichotomy

"Is it love or lust? Is it love or lust? Is it love or lust?" I used to say this all the time. Probably a byproduct of the youth group love series. To get out of lusting for someone I immediately went “I love them” which is not any better. I wonder how many other girls had this mindset due to the Christian Purity Culture? It wasn’t until recently being asked “Is it love or lust?” in response to my latest attraction did I finally realize, “It’s neither.” I neither could say I just wanted this person’s body nor that I loved them and that is ok! 

Let's stop thinking so black and white. There aren't simple answers to every question. God understands this.

When comes to sex/gender there aren't just two choices either. What about the Bible, you may ask? The classic response going back to the Genesis account was always "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." First, I apologize to those I have ever said that to. Second, it was the beginning of all things and they had to procreate to fill to earth. The scene is much different now and no "somethings wrong in the water" is to blame.

Lamant & Reformation

My new favorite thing to do these last few weeks has been admitting how homophobic, sexist, racist, ignorant I have been. (I use the words "favorite thing to do" loosely...) I think it is healthy to see and admit where we were wrong. We must balance those confessions with humility and self-love. Yes, I thought, believed, and taught hurtful things at one time. Yes, they were wrong. Yes, I have learned. I ask forgiveness for teaching that homosexuality as a sexual orientation and loving relationship was a sin. I ask for forgiveness for the things I wrote that stirred up anger instead of spurred on love. I ask forgiveness for making anyone feel less than.

My journey is just one of many that need to be told and respected. I weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice in the LBGTQ+ community.

God’s voice changes everything. God’s voice is powerful.

But before God speaks He is doing something.

He is being present.

He notices.

He takes concern.

He is moved.

He acknowledges.

He sees.

He hears.

He loves.

To my Non-ONA Christian friends/readers, before you "feel compelled by the Holy Spirit" to reach out and flex your savior complex (I say it as it is because I've done it), be like Jesus and wait until the people come to you before you preach. If you still feel a need to respond to this post in a way that would be dentramental to others, please email me at sammyreese05@gmail.com

To my Christian LBGTQ+ friends/readers, thank you for being you. I would love to connect if you would like to too. I would love to hear your stories and have fellowship. May God bless you.

To my nonChristian LBGTQ+ friends/readers, may you know God's love.

To my LBGTQ+ Allies friends/readers, you're amazing.

Lonely But Not Empty (song)

Would you lay with me just for tonight?

Would you share this bed & hold me tight? 

I don't want to lose another minute to desperation,

I don't want to escape to another dimension.

These eyes are heavy,

This heart wore,

Being alone once more.

I'm not giving up, giving up, giving in

I will wait on, wait on, wait on time again

Until these prayers are answered and this pain is captured-

And there'll be a happily ever after,

I'll be calling on

Faith, faith, faith, 

faith, faith, faith

Don't want to bother you,

Just wanted to share this life with someone new.

It's great watching the world pass by,

Seeing things through your eyes

I'm in love.

But yet, I hide.

I fear the loss, I fear the change.

Your heart is priceless, 

I must not break-

Your smile is perfect,

I can not shake

I'm not giving up, giving up, giving in

I will wait on, wait on, wait on time again

Until these prayers are answered and this pain is captured-

And there'll be a happily ever after,

I'll be calling on

Faith, faith, faith, 

faith, faith, faith

Won't crumble under the weight,

Jealousy has no place.

I've been given a promise and a future,

Not destined to be alone.

I'm made to be at home.

Been praying for you, hoping you do the same.

Been rejoicing over you, longing for our better days.

Look out for me and

Be patient.

I know the Lord counts our tears-

Darling, I'm anticipating the years

I'm not giving up, giving up, giving in

I will wait on, wait on, wait on time again

Until these prayers are answered and this pain is captured-

And there'll be a happily ever after,

I'll be calling on

Faith, faith, faith, 

faith, faith, faith

I'll be calling on faith, faith, faith

I'll be standing on faith, faith, faith

I'll be leaning on faith, faith, faith

I'll be needing faith

His Voice

Your voice, O God, is right and true,

gracious and pure.

Your voice, O Lord, is beautiful and majestic,

awesome and mighty!

Yeshua, your way is enlightening.

Yeshua, your love is mystifying.

My God, my Savior, I praise you.

Your Spirit reveals the way,

it is full of light.

You show me now the Truth,

and Life.

Your voice, your voice, is like thunder.

Make it louder!

Make it louder!

But who will listen?

Who is wise?

Fools claim wisdom in their own eyes.

But you, Yahweh, are perfect.

And in your grace have given me wisdom-

which begins with fearing your name.

Yahweh.

Your voice is like lightning,

shaking the earth and piercing the hearts of men.

Who can stand?

Your voice beckons,

calms the storm,

comes in a whisper.

Who will listen?

Your Word will stand the test of time.

Yes, Lord, for time is nothing to you.

Your voice is sweet and gentle.

You are humble, Christ.

You are fierce, my King.

Speak, Holy Spirit, speak.

We need your Word.

And this is what He said:

I see you. I know you. I hear you.

Even if I run and hide?

Even if I turn out all the lights?

Even if I think I am alone?

Even when I do the things I do,

say the things I say?

I see you. I know you. I hear you.

What if I packed it all away?

Burned every bridge?

Spit in your face?

What if I break the law?

I curse the day I was born 

and ruin it all?

I see you. I know you. I hear you.

Yes, my God.

Yes, my Author and Finisher.

Yes, my Sustainer and Judge.

My Everything of Worth.

Father.

You saw me when I broke that ceramic.

You saw me when I stole that sucker.

You saw me write that curse word on the door.

You saw me degrade my body with strangers.

I love you. 

You knew me before I was born.

You knew I would not have a father.

You knew I would be neglected, harassed, mistreated.

You knew I would call upon your name on July 2, 2005.

I love you.

You heard me tell that lie.

You heard me say heaven would be boring.

You heard my swearing.

You heard me cry.

I love you.

Maker,

you are profound and intelligent.

Healer,

you are glorious and right.

Abba,

thank you for the Light. 

"My Child, Jealousy Has To Leave."-God

The other day as I spoke to a friend on the phone, I felt my eyes start to well-up and all of a sudden my throat couldn't make out the words. 

"I've been struggling with jealousy," I confessed to her. "I have met this new person and...well...we have a lot in common...I just feel like she is who I could have been."

Who I could have been.

Who I should be.

What I was not.

I had to wipe the tears off my face.

I hadn't realized how big of a thing this was until I finally confessed it.

You see I have recently met this beautiful, young, talented woman who is doing what I would love to be doing. Not only that, but she's humble, gentle, fun, and passionate. As much as I "saw myself in her" (with the similarities being in our stories and charisma) I saw much of her that I was not. 

"If only I hadn't done this or that..." statements began to creep into my mind and heart like venom. "If only...if only...if only..."

I started regretting where I had been, 
                                              the things I have done, 
                                                                        the things I have seen and said.

As time makes my body older and weaker, I am sure I will have more moments like these to face. How joyous! 

The question of, "How many of you have ever felt this way?" doesn't even need to be asked.

Jealousy. Envy. Self-Piety. Regret. We're all familiar with them.

Their voices are powerful. Making you stop dead in your tracks. Making you question your worth. Making you bound to lies instead of the truths...

The truth.

So what was the Truth in my case? 

Here is the gem: God had never left me nor forsaken me (Hebrews 13:5, Deut. 31: 8)

But, how does this help me at this particular moment? 

It reminds me of God's providence which says all things are from Him, nothing has escaped His attention, and how He works all things for His glory. His allowing certain things to happen was not for the outcome of evil nor does He ever take pleasure in harm. He is a good God and in Him is no darkness. He is love and desires all to come to repentance. (Psalm 107, Romans 8: 28, Ezekiel 18:32, 1 John 1:5, 1 John 4: 7-10)  

My whole life has been in God's care whether I have always acknowledged that or not (Colossians 1:16-17). Where I have been, He was there. Where I go, He'll be there.No thought, word, or deed that I have done surprised Him. All of the days of my life He had already written (Psalm 139).

I must come to see who God is before I can see clearly who I am.

God is not a liar, He makes no mistakes. 

When He created the world and everything in it He declared it "good." (Genesis)

Now there is no mistaking that my and other's sin have screwed up everything. (reference: Genesis and life). 

But I can with these truths now look at my new beautiful, young friend and say to myself:

"Samantha, your life has been and is just as important as hers. Your story and journey was not a mistake, although short-comings have been made. The good, bad, and ugly have made you who you are but you are still God's handiwork (Ephesians 2:10). Your life is beautiful and you are right where you are meant to be-that is with an open posture to the God who loves you. Move forward not to imitate another human, but to conform to the image of Christ Jesus, God's son (Romans 8:29)."

Jealousy says, "I wish I had her life."
The Holy Spirit tells me, "Your life is in Christ (Colossians 3:3), Yahweh has perfecting timing for all things (Ecclesiastes 3), and directs your steps (Proverbs 16)."

Envy says, "I want her characteristics."
The Holy Spirit tells me, "Glorify Yahweh for the good you see is from Him and for Him. Yield to me and you too will see the fruit." (Matthew 5:14-16, John 15, Galatians 5: 22-26)

Self-Piety says, "Woe is me for I am not successful."
The Holy Spirit tells me, "Please Yahweh not man (Ephesians 5:8-10). This is success: to be found rich in Christ (2 Corinthians 8:9). In me, you can do and be these things (2 Peter 1:3)."

Regret says, "I feel terrible for the things I have done."
The Holy Spirit tells me, "Yahweh's grace is sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:9). If you confess, He is faithful to forgive and cleanse you (1 John 1:9). Worldly sorrow leads to death, but Godly sorrow leads to life (2 Corinthians 7:10)."  

So there is a lot of self-talk, a lot of listening to the right voices, and a lot of reading to meditate on.

If you are stuck on comparing yourself to others today, I encourage you to hear the voice of Love instead. 

God is love and with His love, you can properly love yourself. For in this love there is no condemnation, but there is a reality check. In this love, there is no fear but rather hope. In this love, there is no envy for you will have a cup that runneth over of peace and joy. (Psalm 23)