Project Angel Fouls Part 2

Within my first year of working for Project Angel Food a coworker at my level proposed a new position where they would majorly be beneficial to the nonprofit. They had the resources, skill, and experience. I was so proud of them when their idea was accepted. Then so confused as to why not even two weeks into that new position they said they wished they never said anything.

Like this case PAF has proven many times that they are quick to jump on to great sounding ideas, especially if it comes cheaply (i.e not properly compensating the individuals).

One major donor wanted their logo seen on the products we deliver. The great sounding idea was to iron on hundreds of these patches onto the insulated bags we store the frozen meals in for delivery. The problem was that this material with a patch in the freezers for hours doesn't mix. Not only where there burnt marks on some of the totes from the volunteers doing this project but no where today can these patches be found.

I once dismissed PAFs fumbles saying, "Oh they're a young nonprofit... nonprofits are always like this... we have to be flexible." Truth is PAF has existed since 1989 when it was founded by author and spiritual leader Marianne Williamson. The podcast Maintenance Phase has already done enough background work on this past CEO that I'll kindly share the link here. What most people don't know is the article Scott Harris wrote on July 26, 1992 in the LA Times titled "Project Angel Food Rocked by Feuds" concerning her departure. Here's a hint to the current day employees-last year wasn't the first time PAF has tried to Unionize. Sick and tired of the management style, the previous employees agreed to not unionize if Marianne stepped down. My question is, when will we do this with Richard and Francisco?

Things are not what they seem on the surface. Behind those pictures and videos of employees working hard are very heartbroken individuals. 

Every meeting the same concerns seem to be raised; who's listening? 

I regret not recording meetings before (only recently have we installed a recording meeting room). I could have proven all the times we weren't heard... and lied to.

Don't take my word for it, research it yourself. The website alone will show you errors that you would think a high revenue place could do better on. For example the History timeline-the odd wording for year '97, the garden initiative that doesn't exist anymore, the mention of a past CEO (who stole money from them), the mention of Richard twice, the lack of mention of employee burst. This timeline is nothing compared to the fact that many employee's names and photos are used/posted/published for fundraising without their written consent.

PAF is not listed or rated (as of this date) on the BBB, Charity Watch, or GiveWell. Their last report on Charity Navigator and GuideStar was '21. Still proud of their two year old four stars, a Charity Navigator badge is posted on their website and fundraising booklets. One of our "competitors" Project Open Hand  still accurately holds their four stars, brought in $3,000 more with twenty more employees than us. (However, according to Indeed PAF definitely pays their employees more, the salary of both Richard Ayoub and Paul Hepfer are still sickening.) 

PAF needs more employees, better equipped and trained management; as well as safer equipment and a larger space. Ironically, for a place with high assets I don't feel they really count the costs. Upon my hire I was heavily warned about burnout since employees walk in and out like Amazon. To prevent this turnaround PAF promised to keep deliveries to 40 max per driver, an every 6 months peer review, frequent meetings, and better communication. I know drivers with over 50+ stops, I got my first review last month, most times workers are informed of meetings the day of, and then there's the problem with "too many cooks in the kitchen" (not literally). There has been at least a total of three times where police have been called to defuse (the jokes never stop here) employee retaliation. Of course the volunteers see an unruly individual, but as "insiders" we know the true story. Management doesn't know how to manage. Instead of giving warnings, they give final write ups. Instead of having conversations, they suspend you. Instead of firing you in the beginning of the day, they choose the middle. Instead of showing fairness, they show partiality. (I am not exempt from either sides of that coin.)

Does it make sense to you that a new manager be hired for a position they can't come in on time for because they live too far away?

Does it make sense to you that an employee who got fired for sexually assaulting an underage volunteer and other staff members got a severance pay?

Does it make sense to you that Richard is not only the CEO but sits as a head of the Board?

How about that fact that my purse was taken out a locker so that a volunteer could have it instead or that I drove a van several times now with no gas cover and no front licenses plate?

Or how about the fact that I was told I can't take a nap during my lunch break sitting on the corner of the only couch in the building? Or that after finding a fly in my food (that's served indoors) to just get another piece?

What about the fact that I had to ask three people for the copy of the Bylaws and was first told by an HR employee that they had never seen them? 

I encourage...no challenge you to look deeper. Look past the smoke and mirrors. And when you do you'll maybe understand why a union vote must pass next time! 

Project Angel Fouls Part 1

I have worked with Project Angel Food for the last couple of years. In the beginning, I had no idea what I was getting into; I had never heard of them! This is ironic for someone who has a non-profit background and the fact that this is a very well-publicized organization. Right from the start I was thrown off by how unorganized and unprofessional they were. Hired in September of '21, the height of the pandemic and PAF's exponential growth of employers, I was told a start date that fell on either a holiday or weekend which meant the offices were closed. Then I was told a different date, which fell on a Sunday. I arrived expecting to get behind the wheel along with the other recent new hires. The manager asks if I've done any paperwork, for example filling out their insurance forms. "No, this is my first day." Only dispatch is open on Sundays, so I had to come back the next day. This didn't bother me but immediately communicated a poor lack of attention to detail. This manager told me to arrive in the morning but not right away since the other manager I needed to speak to might come in a little later. Again I arrived, but this time met with hostility: 'Weren't we supposed to meet at such and such time?' 

Within the first month, I and other employees discovered that one employee was very immature...unprofessional... inappropriate....and intolerable. I personally heard this employee comment on the underwear of another's and what was worse it was a homophobic joke-something they did not shy away from! This employee still works for PAF today. 

I've driven and still drive vans that are falling apart (just like Amazon's). One employee finally quit after being miles away from base with a van whose sliding door wouldn't stay shut. I had to go rescue this person. This same vehicle I later had to drive and was not informed how to "properly close it " due to its damage. I ended up hurting my wrist from slamming it all day.

Today after being told since January about raises and having them pushed back twice we received them. $1. Of course, everyone is going to jump on it because we live in Southern California and need every cent, but $1? After taxes that's not even going to buy a McDonald's cheeseburger! This "raise" was a major slap in to face to employees who for months been "helping managers" with their duties and not being compensated for it. I was told however that last year's raise was more due to inflation...how every year it's going to fluctuate because we're a nonprofit and won't always bring in the income. Yet, just a couple weekends ago we held a very well-to-do ceremony where we award generous donors...

I love how when it comes to a matter of pay those in charge are quick to remind you we are a nonprofit, but when it comes to enforcing their new policies it's always, "Nonprofits are run just like businesses."

Who's going to fight for us? The CEO, Richard Ayoub, who makes $230,000+? The same person I've heard say to my manager, "Look at me when I am talking to you!" (Right...right...and this coming from a white man to a black man is even more distasteful). The same person who shoos people out of his office and brings in a majorly expensive Union Buster. The same person who's allowed to park (with their 'new' tesla) in our small parking lot but not the rest of the 90+ employees.

Or

The Human Resources Supervisor, Francisco Perez, who told me personally that he "can't be responsible for answering every email" after I had emailed him a total of four times concerning applying my Short Term Disability benefits. The same person who months ago was trying to implement a points system to control time theft and said that "even if public transit were the cause of you being late you would still get a point." The same person who entered his same contest for a holiday celebration we had which involved financial prizes.      

I am not the only person who has experienced hurt and seen violations at PAF. In the coming weeks with these individuals' permission and respecting confidentiality, I will be sharing their stories. Why? In hopes that someone hears us and can bring justice, reconstruction, and create a different work culture. Project Angel Food may be all glitz and glamour on news stations, but behind the scenes, we have managers who slept with coworkers, police called on angry employees, sexual assault cases, and served chicken with feathers.  

May it be known that I am a whistleblower and I love my job. I love its mission. 

We deserve to be heard because we deserve better.

BPD & Christianity Part 3

 Continuation of Part 2 on Identity

What’s the ideal self? Why? And who defines it?

It seems to me that it is a mythological notion made into a standard that we can always be in perfect harmony or in line with a specific mindset and lifestyle presented as the BEST or ONLY mindset and lifestyle.

It sounds to me like a well-disguised cult. 

"Know thy self!" People have shouted since philosophy hit the scene. 

That’s what religion is for, right? To know our TRUE SELF?! The major religions teach something greater than ourselves is out there, can be known, and should be worshiped to gain something physical and/or metaphysical. In my seminary Spiritual Formation classes we discussed at quite some length about the I to Thou conception. We know ourselves in relation to others (ex: I am a child. She is a mother. They are my uncle. He is my cousin.) However, from the beginning, we are broken, sinful, deserving of hell, created in God’s image, and fallen perfection. "The Bible tells me so." We can not reflect holiness, goodness, or righteousness between each other because of this error in the story. We need to take on the image of Him who had no sin, yet “became sin” to save us. Jesus loves me. Jesus take the wheel. Jesus t-shirt. Jesus mask. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus!

Christianity teaches me to lay myself down…crucify myself so that I may actually live. (Gal. 2:20). 

“No pain! No gain!” Bonnie mocked as we brought up the topic of me joining Junior High Cross Country. She didn’t think I could do it. In fact, I hated running. I had tried to get fit many times before; making promises to myself and others that I would “change” the following week…month…or year. I needed to change. I was chubby. I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t strong. I had thick hips, unruly hair, and “man hands” like my Mom. Why was I joining this physical sport? To prove her wrong. So she said this to warn me…motivate me…mock me? Who was I trying to impress? The guys at school who couldn’t remember my name but liked the outfit I was in? Or so that the guy I really fantasized about would HAVE TO take notice of me? 

I secretly loved this notion of HAVING TO do something. This set of rules, standards, and outlines that I could follow every second of every day would be perfect. Tell me what to do! 

Why? Because I don’t trust myself. In fact, I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I take sharp objects against it until my favorite color appears. I’m disconnected. Dysregulated. Longing to be disembodied. And as much as I had gained in becoming a “child of God,” I further lost that trust in myself. Churches shout this is good; my psychotherapy bill said otherwise.

My childhood already taught me to suppress my emotions; “giving it to Jesus” and “letting go letting God” was just another way of doing so. 

My childhood already showed me that withdrawing was a way to protect myself; “retreating to my Strongtower” to me now just seems like a fancier way of me talking to my imaginary sister Samanthe. Of course, that’s blasphemy. 

                                               {...cutting people off people

                                                          ….patterns of unstable relationships}

So what does all of this hot mess do when confronted with her desires that conflict with those of the sect she belongs to? Since I was not given a new coping mechanism (as established), I resorted to my old patterns. What do I mean? 

The “Living Water” flowing through me was more precious than my very blood. 

I cut off friendships…but oh how I prayed for them! I cut off from my family…because “whoever loves their father & mother greater than I is not worthy” (Matt. 10:37)! I cut off relationships…because they're simply not THE ONE. 

The problem with bringing in that which is “bigger/greater than ourselves” is that we little by little chip away at the fact that we had some power to begin with. We’re taught that certain things are bad; thus, those who do them are bad. And just like that segregation is born. My old friends gossiped, lied, cheated, stole. Whereas my Christian friends gossipped I mean prayed and cared about my walk with Christ. My family, no, my country, had Christianity alllll wrong. iT’s NoT a ReLiGiOn, iTs a ReLaTiOnShiP.

Let's speed up a few years-I’m in college, states away from my hometown, and have my first boyfriend. He’s so good to me. He cooks for me. He opens the door for me. He listens to me. He pushes me off of him when I want to have sex because he knows how important marriage is to me first. Only problem-he’s Hindu. He’s not the one. Next, we have a guy at work who is smooth with words and can always conjure up a phrase that cuts to you quick. He’s too business and doesn’t do conflict. He also thinks the Old Testament was mainly fictional. He has to go. The next is a guy I cheat with to get back at the last guy for being an asshole. This one years later after off and on again sex threatens to shoot up heroin if you don’t come visit. But he also was the one who said, “Please don’t cut yourself when you go home” after we left the hotel hours later. Before I’m physical with anyone I spend years camming and DMing strangers around the world. 

Christianity taught me to hate my body, but sexuality was trying to revive it…to help me really feel…to get what I rarely received-physical touch, appraisal, and admiration.