journalling to keep me out of trouble

>>Is it prideful to post pictures of one's self online? What is even the point? You get a sudden change of appearance and for what? Do not say for yourself, because deep down you know it is really for them. You say you don't live to please the crowds, but for Jesus. You say you give Him your all, but we both know it's not true. You want to be better than the next guy, especially that one guy....And why?Just so you can get the attention of another guy....am I making any sense?Ringing any bells? Should you confess to the people you are jealous of that you are jealous of them? What good comes from that? Sermon tonight was about the comparison trap by Andy Stanely. The question that hit me was a fill in the blank: I'll never be as........as them. Too many times I say: I'll never be as good as them. But why? Why can't I be fine with who I am?With the way I look?The way I act? The way I respond?It is also sad to admit that yes, I have been one of those people who secretly would want the next guy to fail. What sin we live in....what sin I live in. I say I love these people, then why would I ever think such thing? Even if I achieved everything the next person has, I will still have nothing because I am not being myself and that is who people truly love/appreciate the most. How many more times must I be reminded of those lessons I have already learned from the Lord; maybe that is why they call them "life lessons". Was called out today for acknowledging/standing up for love -this case mainly in a discussion over a couple on TV who has only known each other for a short period of time.And as much as I have said to myself privately that I know nothing about love, even though I also say to myself that I love someone, I know one major factor about love.Jesus. God is soooo amazing. I was stressed out last night praying about different things and He took me to John 18:1-12.And with diving into those short verses I saw how God was speaking to me on how to handle some of my situations.For example He knew I was going to look up the reference verse on the bottom of the page for vrs 9, John 6:39. He knew then I would see this note I wrote in there idk when which said:"God's will is not that specific like go to college or work full-time, it's be holy."Now I know we can console God on specific things and He can guide us to where He has planned/desired. But I strongly believe that what He has willed the most for us is to be simply holy.And man, did that strike me 1) because it was like a slap in the face in regards to how I was how I was praying for certain people and 2) reminded me that in a way God doesn't care where I go, as long as I am set apart for Him. Need to ask one's self, how can I (don't be general, get really frank) be set apart? In the back of mind I think that my personality will change to help me be more adoptable to the college life because no one will previously know me.But truth is, I will not change.If I end up going to Western College I will have to work at being set apart from the parting crowds but yet work on really ministering or if I end up going to Metro in Denver I will have to work on being set apart with not getting stuck in the seclusion mode.-These statements are gathered from reviews I read online, have no idea if they are true. I literally have noooooo clue what the future holds. I just need to be faithful is all I know for a fact.You ever think about death? Ever think about how you will die or about how people will respond? Is that prideful too?I have discovered ever since this one lady pointed out that my violence shows up in the youtube videos I watch (which were really just cartoons guys) but I am really violent on the inside. What is that from?The past? My history? Or is it normal?Reminded me also of the Sermon on how I wish I could just go up to a stranger and say: "you are enough." I need that said to me. "You are fine. You are okay."And like I wish to say it everyone, I would want it to be said sincerely not rushed or a "let's push this to the side" kind of manner. Something about me, I mostly encourage people the most when I feel the worst about myself. Idk why. Perhaps because it was something I thought was a good idea in Jr. High when I first feel in love with God,that when I was having a bad day I would make it my goal to outreach to someone to make their day better.Is that even healthy? I suppose you could think of both positives and negatives. Another question, when being confronted on something how do you not carry that feeling into assuming that you are doing everything wrong?Kind of back to the sermon, we all just need a constant encourager person to follow us all day.....or perhaps we already have them but don't tune in enough...cough cough God.hahah.I just know I have a huge issue on when ever I get confronted on something I immediately wish I could change everything about myself regardless if it is fine or not. I want to starve myself, work myself to death, and be ultimately submissive. Where does this come from?I'm always left with more questions than I can answer, but that's the definition of life now isn't it?:)<<