Poverty

Plastic covering

Fried food on small paper plates

Buttered leftovers

Minimum wages

Stretched thin laying in his seat

Rolling in the mud 

Drowning in the debt

Breathing with nostrils of smoke

A smoke break of peace

Little crises adding fuel 

Dollar Tree thrills, nipping heels 

Driving nowhere far

Stuck to the death loop

Sipping delicious poison 

She left the stove on

As a biracial, cis-woman raised in Midwest America by a poor German family that believed the church or the army was the only salvation, I've been trying to encapsulate my corner of the poverty pie to those I call friends today. 

First and foremost, f*ck the 1%. It all comes back down to capitalism, baby. 

So my battle isn't against, necessarily, the avocado toast eating neighbor or Ferrari revving coworker. It's been written more elegantly, but the disadvantages in life could be explained through a card game. Let's say the simple game of War, where every player is to dealt out the same amount of cards. The immediate problem is there's only 52 cards and the individual decks change base on the count of players. This echoes the limited amount of Earth's resources. How do we deal with that? 

History shows us that if we were a person of color, a woman, a nonconformist, (anything outside heterosexual white male Christian normative) we were taken away 'cards ' immediately and/or skipped entirely. Those under the boot of colonizers weren't allowed in the game. 

How does it feel to not only be out of the game, but forced to serve those who continue to play it? How does it feel to not only be forced to toil, but be belittled and tormented, ridiculed and disected? Years and years bent over, then molded and beaten into something unrecognizable. When does their test rat say enough? When does their pet rat revolt and they say "it's always been violent!"

My poverty is not mine to blame despite adding more water to the ocean. Yes, I swam to the deep end to see how far I could get.  Yes, the water swept into my mouth and these lungs became heavy, but you gotta understand... I've always lived around smoke. It was in the room, in the clothes, in my hair. I carried that smoke like a champion. I was born in that smoke. Her father died from that smoke. I choke, but I survived off that smoke...teasing death with little breath was our bed time story. 

So when you offer that dollar or perhaps a thousand, you take a cup out of this ocean. You may even get to see the tops of my lips... But I'm still bobbing, I'm still out there lost in sea drowning. 

So f*ck the 1%, because there's always others worse off than me.

Poverty

Dissipate

Flooded, unconcerned 

Breathing with expanded lungs

Clenched heart above rain

Beauty stealing breaths

Snapping voices stealing breaths

Rope from fan last breaths 

Baby a Monster

House of cards type of labels 

Four fingers point back

Nursing readied gun 

Apologized afterwards 

Never when tears flowed

Vampires can't love 

Can't feel the draining life force

Can't be warmed by touch

Spotted rose she picked

Colors Rose couldn't accept

Blooming in her death

Cold brushed against thorns

Never iron sharpening

Touching avoided

Taking compliments 

Giving shade never comfort 

Meaness like a root

Sickened by the pride

Throwing up in her trash can

Dried flowers hang

Biting the mirror

Image like the rotting cup 

Context is guardrails

Mother's Day

I have nothing to say.

I have everything to say.

She wouldn't listen.

So you take a listen.

I took the lesson.

What could I say?

How much sorrow is hidden?

Rekindling flames of inquisition.

Burning bridges.

Heavy with the baggage.

Smoking with oxygen.

A combustion of a once union.

The homework, a daughter.

Her homework, a porclien heart.

Our memories stained like grape juice on linen.

Why should this day matter?

Thanks for nothing. 

Thanks for everything.

Brokenness taught me how to run.

Running away looks different at thirty. 

This isn't playing dirty.

Who should feel guilty? 

Everyone in moderation.

Canal to coffin.

Happy Mother's Day. 

Something I couldn't say.

God Loves You But

"God loves you but needs you to love him or else." 

"God doesn't need anything. We need him."

"Says him."

Choosing the Christian God is choosing to go backwards in society. The god described in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible is full of jealousy, pride, and vengeance. He is bloodthirsty and acts like any other god that we-Christians/exChristians/ Americans, were taught were idols. This god, identifying himself as YHWH ("I am who I am."  Ex. 3:14), is ok with slavery (Ex. 21), genocide (1 Sam 15), incest (Gen 19), lying (Abraham & Sarah), and destroying people's lives to win a bet (Lot). These traits are noted for being more of our "primitive" or "survival-brain;" thus, not utilizing our prefrontal cortex where logic lives. 

Logic has evolved like everything else; as we grow we mature. Maturity is crowned as having a rational mind chastened by patience. Logic has helped us stop, breathe, and ask, "Why am I triggered right now?" Logic helps us uncover truths by asking more questions; it acknowledges wisdom is a process. Logic says, "Stop, how did we get here and why?" 

No matter the context, oppression of your and others autonomy isn't generally viewed as moral. But YHWH commands your worship, love, and unrelenting gratitude or else. This god is taught as not needing it because (some) doctrines preach he's all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good despite how humans may describe healthy versions of these attributes. He gets to define the words and pull the strings. And even after he's taken (I mean allowed Satan to take) everything away from you, you are the one still expected to say, "Woe is me a lowly sinner desperate of grace."

 

This gaslighting behavior is typical from narcissistic personalities. As Christians it's prideful to think you are without sin and blasphemous to think god is ever in the wrong. God denies being evil, reverses the blame onto humans (the generational curse of sin), attacks whole people groups instead of just the guilty party, claims he is the victim you owe pure blood to, and is offended you would even question his authority. Modern psychology has given this DARVO model to protect ourselves. When will we use it to protect use from our Abusive Heavenly Father?

"God isn't abusive! He gives us exactly what we deserve!" 

"Why you do you believe this?"

"Humans are evil, just look around.

"We can do horrendous things yes, but every animal also does the same."

Christians are taught that the New Testament trumps the old because Jesus' redemptive blood was the sacrament needed to fulfill the hundreds of laws god originally commanded (but knew we couldn't keep). These two persons of the Holy Trinity contradict. YHWH is full of bloodlust while Jesus-despite saying "he did not come to bring peace but a sword" Matt. 10:34, shows justice by laying down his life. But modern-day sciences trump all three persons and their solutions to problems. 

 

Psychology teaches forgiveness is a mental choice, not a command. Logical fallacies highlight the errors in Pascal's Wager and anthropology the congruency between religions. The truth is the Father can't be falsified, the Son can't be verified, and the Holy Spirit is just hypothesized. This "divinity inside us" is said to guide, teach, remind, and empower; any good seen within you in said to be God alone. Yet, despite all technological advancements there hasn't been concrete proof of a Spirit within humans. What is typically assigned to the spirit's traits are literally just chemical synapses in the brain of a walking meatsac. What we know through biology gives us more power than the Holy Spirit ever will. 

So before you walk up for an alter call, say the sinners prayer, or attend a church revival ask yourself: can I receive what I am getting in this setting from somewhere else and lose less? 

Yes. 

God loves you but you suck, according to him. According to the "secular," you're just human.

Momentary

Piercing jet blue streams

Fading gently into dark

Outline scribbled pink 

Coy inventory 

Glistening grey winds stream in

Yellow dragons wake

Balance time and dance

Liquid steadily beating 

Stars fallen on shore

Steady giant shades

Internal gushes

Grey & black matter 

Cartilage reflects 

Hyperventilating stone 

Small heart perceiving 

Riviting mirror

Encapsulating my dark 

Igniting furnace 

Exchanging spindles 

Small leaps, sticking on soft cheeks

Strangling towers

Radiant eyes kept

Behind cascading brown stream

Gleaming purely bones

Chest to chest awake

Breathing in her sorrows & aches 

Love sips on pieces

When Limerance Dies

Want to be in love

Catching the wisps of fragrance 

Pinpricks of numbness

Want this heart racing

At just the sliver of light

Holding intense heat

Remembering warmth 

Forgetting radiation

Damaging within

Remembering swirls

Forgetting nauseous defeats 

Darkening within

Given a torn suit 

Donating these frozen feet 

New winds collect screams 

Wanting a lover

Is like yearning for the tide 

Sands weights like past scars

The moment breath slows 

Like sun dancing on water 

Tell me when to drown

Slowing down this time 

Free love is never wasted 

Like glistening rocks

Smoothed edges from pain 

Pulverized a gentle heart

Noon tea with fine china

Given your bread crumbs

Thirsty like earth's molten core 

I burned myself over

Want to be love 

Despite this amputition

Carefree like the waves

Epiphanies From Her

She was my everything 

And I her parasite.

She was my everything and I her parasite trapped inside a very tight cocoon. 

She was my everything and I her parasite trapped inside a very tight cocoon sipping on cherry flavored rat poison.

She was my everything and I her parasite trapped inside a very tight cocoon sipping on cherry flavored rat poison she willingly dished out.

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band.

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band with colorful flying daggers.

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band with colorful flying daggers and sharps that wouldn't faulter. 

She willingly dished it out like a one man marching band with colorful flying daggers and sharps that wouldn't faulter in giving whiplash.

You gave me whiplash.

You gave me whiplash of the century. 

You gave me whiplash of the century and I wouldn't tell a simmering soul.

You gave me whiplash of the century and I wouldn't tell a simmering soul that I never wanted to wake.

Waking to another disgruntled face.

Waking to another disgruntled face that would never yearn for me.

Waking to another disgruntled face that would never yearn for me- an apparatus. 

Waking to another disgruntled face that would never yearn for me- an apparatus made of sheer.

Made of sheer 

&

Maid of cheer.

I am made of sheer to have a fighting chance. 

I am made of sheer to have a fighting chance at burning.

I am made of sheer to have a fighting chance at burning a little brighter.

A chance at burning brighter alongside her.

A chance at burning brighter alongside her mind of steel. 

A mind of steel tied to a brown  paper bagged body.

A mind of steel tied to a brown paper bagged body soaked in the flood.

A mind of steel tied to a brown paper bagged body soaked in the flood of revenge.

A flood fueled neuroticism.

A flood fueled neuroticism lit by a bent wick.

A flood fueled neuroticism lit by a bent wick drowned in a shallow end.

A flood fueled neuroticism lit by a bent wick drowned in a shallow end of the misinterpreted.

You misinterpreted it. 

You misinterpreted this painted purple heart. 

 

Hard Life Lessons

I've had to learn over the years that my triggers are my responsibility. Although I can do my best to communicate in my relationships when conflicts arise, I've come to realize most people didn't have a parent screaming at them when anything uncomfortable came up. Even though everyone has a different love language so to speak (i.e ways they feel most respected, honored, cared for) there's a common thread on what love looks like among all. Love is kind, patient, gentle...love is a mother caring for her child even when she felt like no one loved her. Love is sometimes forgiving, sometimes boundaries, sometimes no contact. Love is accepting all of who I am.

I am my mother's daughter; a mix of two worlds, two cultures, two races. I was the first granddaughter, the first black child in a historically German family. I am her mother's granddaughter, shoved off to the side and left to daydream soaking in Illinois heat. I took on the faces they desired- gentle, quiet, and submissive because mine was too loud, annoying, or simply too much. I copied from those I received love from so perhaps I could be just as loved. But every time I mimicked someone else, I felt the stabbing criticism, "Don't do that!" 

Who was I? Who am I? Am I not just all of them?

I catch myself being heated with impatience like my mother when the AC doesn't kick in fast enough. Years of therapy and healthy communities have taught me to breathe, focus on what I can control, and to be ok with the tension knowing it won't last forever. I catch myself breaking down in tears whenever a friend slams the door because Mom had always assumed I had an attitude when I did. This caused her to scream at me until I did develop an attitude. I need to remember my friends didn't have a snarling, intoxicated mother barking back, "Stop your crying now or I'll give you something to cry about." Instead, I know I deserve and give myself the love I need in those tender moments.

A hug, a gentle whisper, a warm caress was something I rarely remember receiving. Sometimes this led to my love being unreadable; I tucked away my great affections because I was afraid to scare my partners away.

It's my turn to be my own parent; yet, with me leaving my "Heavenly Father" (i.e Christian cult) I'm wanting to live my "rebellious teenage years." In so many ways I'm still a child, but this body has aged and the aches aren't ceasing. It's time to be my own caretaker, I have to make the money to buy the medication to be mentally well to maintain this misery. The Mother of the family I lived with after I was kicked out of my home was right, I do have to learn to not lean on people.

I'm so many people at different ages, perhaps that's the reason I just drift off and stair into space.

Disassociating most likely occured when the domestic violence at home began when I was in first grade. I had to walk on eggshells around my Mother so much so that I couldn't always see how this led to laying down the red carpet for everyone else. Like the eager gratitude I longed to give Christ for saving me, I'd fall into love bombing (something certainly not helped from the evangelical youth group culture). My attachments were more than either of us (me, my crush, and everyone I told about my crush) could handle. A parasitic kind of love, disguised like a puppy. 

I wanted someone to tell me who I was, tell me what to do, where to go, when and why. 

The worst relationships tended to be ones that shined upon the naturalistic human in me and not the religious fascade. I'm still just a mammal learning to do life, love, and logic along with every one else. Blunt individuals similar to my Mother let me know when I hurt them because they knew talking things out could lead to a healthier relationship. The difference now was I actually had the other party willing to listen and not say " I get the final word not you." My hurts and hangups slithered through my obsessive relationships like a poison. "Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I pretty enough?" These were internal inquiries I had to establish before understanding that being told "you hurt me" does not equal "you need to die."

In addition this multifaceted being that I am, I've also learned more about what it means to be on the spectrum, which I feel myself and some family members are. This corresponds to how we've miss read each other and shamed each other's stimming. My Mom's combition of (possible) BPD, OCD, and being on the spectrum is a triple threat for the need to control everything. As I've become more intune with my body, I've learned a couple of my stims are repeating audio (i.e songs) and shaking my legs- both of which severely annoyed Mom. After years of therapy and reading more about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I've learned to relinquish that need for control and impress. The only person I can control and impress is myself. Despite being a mosaic of those around me, I'm the sole perpetrator. I need to take accountability to continue relationships; yet, fear loves to have me hide from responsibility and shame smiles when I become stuck in the same toxic patterns. There is no magic prayer that can guide my path, no Lord or monsters to appease. I have to do this for me; I have to continue on for me.

Self reflection reminds me that this too-loving myself and others, is a balance. 

I don't have to do anything; I get to. It's not about winning, but the self-journey. The greatest gift to give oneself is confidence. I'm not in a race with anyone and timelines for healing are like looping rollercoasters. 

I know how awful life can be, this is why I look upon all living things with such awe. All I have is here and now; how will I live it? With no regrets.

Freeport, Illinois

Figuring myself out miles away, I'll never forget where I have been

Restructing these thought patterns engraved in my brain 

Everyone has shaped me in someway

Every move, a chapter to sell

Problems to conquer, no longer to carry

Opportunities to sail, no longer to fear

Relaying on this strength that's gotten me through the years

Turning the past into a bridge for the future

,

I remember your corn fields, hay bails, and gravel roads

Loving your rolling hills and fields, upon fields

Lementing through a cemetery with thick morning fog and sparling dew

I can still hear my grandmother's tree frogs, owls, and crickets

Nothing like seeing those big, puffy clouds from a child's perspective

Or eating freshly chucked corn from a hard days work

I still hear the glass shadder in another abandoned factory

Somethings I really do miss, those damn mosquitos obviously not being it

The Thing About Limerence

*Trigger Warner: self harm

For every person I loved (romantically), it was rarely found to be recipicated. 

From Tyler in elementary, to Cody in High School, my intense crushes were more than a compulsion-they were my reason to live. Whether it was getting through a school or work day, seeing that one person for just a minute revived me. Meticulously I'd recollect images of their divine presence; the way their hair framed their chiseled faces or toes interlocked sent immediate shockwaves of serotonin and oxytocin. I took note of it all. 

I humorously dubbed myself Helga from Hey, Arnold! knowing my compulsions revealed a darker side of me. I projected bitterness. Audibly showing disgust to disguise the immense damage inside. If I looked forward to seeing "my love" I didn't have to think about home...or how I wanted to end it all.  

It wasn't until my 30's that I learned about limerence. It was the perfect definition to my years of profound aches. Self harm became my solution when I'd see the "love of my life" with someone else- harm ranging from cutting, to fat phobia. It was never because I felt I belonged to my crush, despite my longing to be. I rarely felt good enough to. 

Home life had already given birth to animosity for life. Not knowing my biological father and a neglectful mother, exacerbated the belief that no one truly wanted me. Core beliefs of feeling inadequate to hold another's attention long enough to validate my self-worth. This translated to subconsciously falling for those "out of reach"- ranging from the popular drummer boy at youth group to animated characters like The Once-ler. My heart screamed the words my mind couldn't quite put a finger on. 

Who I was to grab their attention? To make them smile? To make them stay?

This past year I've emerged from another limerence chamber that had my soul in hibernation for years. 

It's not enough for me to compliment your frame, I want to breath you in. 

Limerence had me going from running to the window to watch the person drive away, to having full blown panic attack when they made new friends. I bawled for hours when a therapist said: "Remember when they leave, they're not leaving you."

It wasn't enough for me to be in your presence, I wanted to engulf you. 

Anxiety was nothing new. I remember nights feeling like a cinder block was heaped upon my chest due to the monstrous loneliness. Years of therapy, education, and different friend groups have helped me better understand myself... To take pride in my power and focus on moment right in front of me (i.e: grounding exercises).

It wasn't until after graduating seminary did I learn about the World Health Organization and about the world's first Sex Institute destroyed by the Nazis. The human sexual experience is fascinating, but our puritan culture has white-washed as well. Insights from Rob Bell, Brené Brown, and Emily Nagoski helped me during my transition out of black & white thinking encased by my evangelical theology. 

My limerence got worse because I was in the dark about many things...1) that I had BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) 2) being on the autism spectrum can bring communication difficulties -(i.e being bold and direct challenged my weak demeanor) 3) obsessive compulsions can be overcome through different strategies such urg surfing and replacement therapy; it's a lie to believe I'll always be this way.

Religion taught me punishing myself was a sign that I truly loved Jesus. The evangelical culture harps upon God being so intensely in love with us that only an ungrateful, evil person would put anything higher than him. I constantly prayed for forgiveness my "lust."

Can you help who you're attracted to? You can't pray gay away. 

Homosexuality is as natural as a rainbow. Despite being indoctrinated, I had therapists outside of the church willing to help me learn that I was completely normal. Purity culture had me believing waiting to kiss until my wedding day would be the most romantic and honorable thing. Biology teaches us humans are no better or worse than other animals; who we are are our bodies- there's nothing to be ashamed of. Sexuality is a spectrum and there are different types of attractions.

The woman I last fell in love with taught me that- how nakedness doesn't equal sexuality. You'd think this would be easy enough to know, but I was the type of Christian who didn't even watch music videos because they were too revealing. 

I never thought I say fuck purity culture. I wore a ring to resemble my dedication to Jesus; I broke up with people who weren't godly marriage material, I taught virginity could be restored in the mind...

Limerence feasted upon the pile of religious garage inside of me to hatch further insecurities. Around my "favorite person" I was too scared to even look them in the eyes for long or to have them brush against me. Yet, all I dreamed about was being their oxygen. 

My Christian conditioning of self-sacrifice bit me in the ass, as night after night I'd give into what this person wanted and not what I did. (It's important to note here, I never dated this person and we've had many conversations about my experiences.) What they watched, I watched. What they believe, I believed. What they questioned, I questioned. I'm not sure if the saying: "you hate them cuz you either want to be them or fuck em." Is true or not, but I wanted both.

How could I go from studdering at even thinking about telling my crush how beautiful they were to wanting to hang myself from my ceiling fan or gushing when they spent hours ranting at me, to wanting a car to hit me? 

Limerence.

It's a scary deal. 

You're not alone. 

Sensory History

Downtown 

Bumping music, competing voices 

Air stuffy, shoes stick

She's catching up with friends 

Gently caressing wooden railing spindles;

Swallowing Shirley Temple's 

I'm alone again 

Attic

Yelling below, thuds, & crys

Scared, thinking the worst

Angry, drunk mother slamming door on face 

Hot, bitter tears basking salt 

Death

A gasping breath under weighed fingers calling my name,

These legs are glued

A face turns blue

Small little plastic clock

Distraction to disorder 

Rescue

Projecting blame, unaccountable adult

None of this is right 

Suits, note pads & tables 

Seatbelts looser than her grip

Dreaming of far, far away

Runaway

Commands, demands pervasive parent

Angry, unable to escape

She barges through barricade

Wooden window pane opens easy,

Shaking & hungry 

Adulting

Your impatient, judgement tone

A daughter you never knew 

Escaping coping mechanisms 

Freedom to choose 

Lighting up in front of me

Sweet affections we lose

You Made Me

Not now, not ever

My questions left unanswered 

Avoidant mother

Instructed, "Wait here."

Alone & cold on marble

Linda, get your child

Abusive parent

Slamming doors, breaking the glass 

Weeping aftermath

Don't worry, don't fret

Best to keep mouth shut instead

Promising to lie

Don't move, don't engage 

Passive aggressive response 

Locked in a heart's cage 

Love is more than words

Bare minimum grace giver 

Better aborted

Bloody evening night

Escaping through a window 

Sleeping above it

Locked out of this home

Decorating large boxes

Collapsing her dreams

Folding up the sheets

Nightmares haunting me for weeks

The bill was too high

Unconventional 

Burning bridges through & through

Reflecting madness

Knocking out their teeth

Imaginary divorce 

Hoping for rescue

Prince charming awaits 

Alluring club & Kool aid 

Teaching misfortune 

Responsible child

Not asking for help needed

Disappointed me

Soul re-parenting

Blasphemy to human race

Coping escapes

Unknown DNA

Hating half, dreaming other

Tongues pull the trigger

Moving far away

Missing what was never there

Lacking attention

Discovering me

An entrepreneur of peace

Turning fears to speech

Identity chaser

Elegant knickknack clutter

Dissociate 

All alone at night

Heaviness breaking my chest

Confident of time

Lay down stubborn pride

Knowing my internal worth 

Now perfect timing

Not everything works

Systems of hard oppression 

Tucked away hermit

Half of this hurt

Blossoming while in manure 

Never touching hands

Calling out this name

Identifying the sun

We're no longer one

Black Hairs Cut

Lighting up a cigg

Stuck with black attached to hips

Afro hair you stink 

A bundle of mess 

Telling her to wait on steps

Saying goodnight with late kiss

Pulling tighter up

Boney hands winning trophies

I watch you murder

Trying to make ends

Screaming at the layers cut

White hair was wanted

Long beautiful hair

You gave birth to my sister

Wrapped around purple 

Starving for your love

Bellies empty of your grace 

Screams to sit up straight

Hot iron pressed upon me

No more of his fluffy curls

Black anger lingers

New adult child 

Hair growth never a skill learned

Covering up cuts

Thick, dry, brittle, hair

Caring not for history 

A shortened future

Love learns the rhythm 

Bit of patience and prudence 

An evolving style 

Freedom miles away

Keratin expounds beauty

Its legacy speaks

Will you let me speak?

Years told to shut up & wait

Dead ends litter clothes 

Bangs cover my eyes

You Hurt Me/Harakiri

Taking your hands in

To commit harakiri 

Completing your words

Stabbed by distant tones 

Left undisected to rot

Worship left ignored

Your intimacy 

Was my executioner 

You don't feel my pain

Chasms between us

While sitting a foot apart

Listening was taxed

Don't think you'll miss me

Saying hello was too much

Honesty not touched

We've fought in many

Plains of my two hemispheres

Mouth shut, victory

This love was too much

Every second wanting you

You spent zero on me 

I died before this

Falling asleep in these tears 

The silver cuts skin

Bleeding as you hug

People you meet yesterday

My pain was nothing 

Let my guts pour out

You've done this many times before

Refusing to help 

Unsupportive jokes

Intestines leak what's inside

My mouth was sewn shut

Trauma says to stop

Run away from everything 

Same broken record

This dusty keyboard 

Too young & pretty to care 

Go get your dream job

Chase golden apples 

This ghostly shade paved our way

Never returning

Would have followed you

Now the earth is all gone, gone 

Animosity 

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 5

How Christianity Can Keep You In Abuse:

Yes. Abuse. 

Abuse is what harms another. 

What could possibly be harmful in Christianity- other than the homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, advocacy for slavery, child sacrifice, and rape? (See Bible for reference, especially the Old Testament.) 

For years I submerged myself to evangelical Christianity, which taught me to "obey my masters"  and "pray for those who persecuted me."  As a teenager, that meant humbly serving those the Lord put in charge- which is apparently everybody (especially white men). I could, at the time, obey my government with no problem. I obeyed my teachers to a T and listened to mangers without question. The person who was the hardest for me was the person who had hurt me the most, my Mother. In a dramatic comparison I felt like Jonah sent to Nineveh; my Mom was my mission field. Despite the neglect and abuse, I believed God wanted me to stay within her presence. My obedience to her were arrows of love, you know, "Kill them with kindness" shit. My love for her was only filled because of Jesus. God had commanded not only to obey your parents so that we may live long, but to serve our masters as if serving the Lord. I would die for Jesus. Did that mean I had to die for my Mom too? God had commanded me to forgive so that I may be forgiven by him. I was equally a sinner in His eyes, so how could I speak up?

As horrid as it sounds and despite being asked by a youth group ministry leader if I wanted them to report what was happening at home to DCFS (Department of Child & Family Services) and me declining, I continued to live with my Mom. I was in junior high, a new Jesus Freak, on fire for God. How could a warrior turn down their calling? How could I disobey my Heavenly Father? My Mom was trying, I justified, even if that meant sometimes nights were filled with drunken stammers and flying fists. "I survived this long; I can keep going." I thought, while praying desperately for change.

I am not the only one who has fell prey to this trap within Christianity. I see it and hear about it from others. People become accustomed to accepting inappropriate behavior because that's what's been modeled to them. The church opens the doors for the wounded only to put a bandage on & say, "Help others put this on too!" 

 

My prayer journals religiously asked for God's forgiveness for not doing more for Him, for staying in my comfort zone, and for my pride. So many times I wanted to call it quits and runaway, but I felt God say, "Stay." All the "praise you in the storm" worship songs confirmed this for me. 

If you or someone you know is being harmed in any way, shape, or form report it to the proper authorities and get help. Everyone deserves safety and love. So why is there even an ounce of hesitancy within the church? 

Because this subservient behavior is exactly what God calls us to have with him, despite the fact that he's narcissistic asshole. He is the Almighty; yet, chooses-I'm sorry "allows,"  to have children suffer. 

"Oh well that's because of the fallen world!" You might say. God is the one who created the fallen world. 

"No, that's our sin!" Is this because of our personal sin or because we're born into sin; regardless, who the fuck tortures children because of a misbehavior? That, my friends, is called bad parenting. 

Yep, that's right. The world's worst Dad award goes to Yahwey, for creating human beings he instantly regretted although he knew their future disobedience and drowned them anyway! (Noah's ark makes for an excellent bed time story.)

The God of the Bible uses violence to makes things rights. He desires clean blood to even look at you. How messed up is that? 

You are not a filthy sinner; you are a human being learning how to love better. 

You are not a sinner saved by grace; you are a maturing person with potential of greatness. 

You do not owe anyone respect, but you do owe yourself the world. 

Let me know how you've overcome the tangled webs of evangelicalism in the comments below!

If you're a believer, I'd still like to chat. Let me know your thoughts, questions, and concerns!

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 4

"Christianity saved me only to bury me."  

Recapping some of our previous points: 

1. Anything can be cult 

2. Cults can be identified by: 

     - teaching a type of separation from the main culture (us v. them, good v. evil, truth v. lies)

     -  instating distinctual attire & attitudes to denote membership (uniformity, rules, codes, ethics, boundaries)

     - lead by charismatic, lovable, authoritative teachers (viewed as holy or most intelligent)

      - can be on a spectrum of unhealthiness (ex: a sports team cult following v. Jim Jones)

3. Religions were cults that gained the most traction over the centuries and Evangelical Christianity today can be an example of such

4. Anyone can fall victim to a cult

5. It's all just another sales pitch (either convincing you of a problem you don't have or selling a cure all solution)

As a past Jesus Freak, I wholeheartedly and unashamedly professed that I was a sinner saved by grace alone. As a past Jesus follower, I rightfully and joyfully laid down my life daily for the Holy Spirit to do His bidding. 

Now, on the flip side. I see how Christianity-my version anyway, had built its empire upon a foundation of projection. 

The feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and fear are common to our species. As our brains mature, trying to make sense of life through the guidance of others still figuring out, we feel this aching desire to have meaning behind everything when there isn't. There is no more meaning than the meaning our species ascribe. Charlatans manipulate this human curiosity by prescribing an antidote they themselves wouldn't always buy. You'll hear it in sermons and outreaches, see it on billboards and throughout media:

"Come to Jesus all who are sick..." 

To many times religion claims that following a person (deity) or book(s) faithfully without doubt is honorable. One of the first and hardest things I went through while deconstructing was asking myself, "What does the Word really say? What does God really say? Who is God really?" 

The problem with religion is when those unfalsifiable beliefs become your blinders to reality. Reality is repeatedly and demonstratable, providing the same answer each time for everyone. This is impossible for spirituality not because of the apologetical claim of there being a supernatural, but due to its emotionally lead demeanor. I can open my Bible read a passage and get a whole different interpretation than my "brother/sister in Christ." Why? What method ensures we're on the same page? Hermeneutics? Language studies? Cultural and historical facts? Everyone has their opinion on what the Bible says, even each one of it's authors. 

Science and sound logic, on the other hand, is the best methodology we have in this reality. What is real is what can be observed; what is yet to be understood, is just yet to be scientifically observed. We can't start with a conclusion and move backwards; we can not say, "Look at the trees & stars, for they declare a Creator! A Designer! A God!" 

This isn't to say one can't be a Christian and practice science, they're not incompatible. What it is saying, is that Christianity lies. For the cross of Christ is the cost of your daily life, sacrificing your "evil" desires for His righteousness. Beckoning you in like a siren song, the grace you believe you don't deserve comes to entrap you. You are not your own, but the Master's. You belong to God. 

The language and attitude of Evangelical Christianity display many red flags not only through their love bombing, but deepities. The emotional draws heightened with an urgent plea seems to just project the pastor's inner desire for validation, purpose, and drive. Some Bible teachers simply make blanket statements to win as much of the crowd as they can, not worrying about any shread of evidence-based practices. 

"Cast your cares onto him who cares for you." How? How has he (God) shown he's cared? By taking your punishment of sin himself upon the cross? But is that justice, releasing the guilty party & punishing yourself? 

"God's ways are higher than our ways." How? Because we can't ever understand or can't ever know? "God gives generously to all who ask,"  doesn't he? Then why let cancer continue? Is cancer in children God's or Satan's doing? Isn't everything ordained by God-the good, bad, and even the ugly? Isn't justifying someone's "ugliness" evil? Then why do we do it for Yahwey? If we take the Bible at its word, the God of O.T has a higher body count than Satan. How is this somone worthy of my respect?

Truth is, they're not. It's frankly despicable to continue to serve the God of the Bible based on the Word's clear display of extreme narcissism and need for blood. It's nothing more than another blood cult. No one, not even a God, deserves unrelenting worship.

We are finite, fragile creatures on this spinning rock for only a short while. Embrace your existence, uniqueness, and beauty. If you're having trouble seeing or practicing these, it might be time to reevaluate who you're listening to. The brain synapses are most likely not a supernatural being speaking to you, but a tumbler of your family, friends, and culture.

Be kind to yourself because you deserve it. Why? 

YOLO. That's why.

Here's a couple YouTube sources that have helped me during my deconvertion. May they be of some help to you as well, blessings. 

Holy Koolaid

Forrest Valkai

Belief It or Not

Kristi Burke

 

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 3

 Language, Attire, & Othering

"It all goes down to language; you just have to know what to listen for."

-Cultish by Amanda Montell

Every group has a unique way of communicating. We echo each other inside a chamber. From language to symbols, art to dress we create mini versions of those we idolize. Groups provide the community, stability, and protection our species needs. Montell repeats what numerous sociologists have said before her: we are social beings; we are wired for community. 

It takes a brave and wonderous mind to step outside of their box to ask: But does this all make sense? Does it matter? What is truth?

Recently I have been listening to the call-in show The Line or The Atheist Experience on YouTube. The Theist callers remind me of myself. The show has made me more aware of how a belief system, such as Evangelical Christianity, can be illogical. 

It makes sense that humans gravitate towards groups, but the group can not be the end-all-be-all. We can not lose our self of individualism if we only have one life to live. We can deconstruct this "cultish by nature" or fear of alienation, as the author notes, by examining the language used.

"With words, we breathe reality into being."

Montell highlights three ways cults use language: 

1. omission
2. distortion
3. lies

Callers and I claimed that faith is greater or "in a different realm" than logic. However, faith defined by the Holy Bible is "confidence in what we hope for and assurance in what we do not see." (Heb.11:1). We willing accept, praise, admire, and preach blind faith. Faith is nothing more than a wish. It lacks evidence and clings to smoke. 

I was drowning in Theism and wanted everyone along with me. Here is just a small example of how our language was different: Pouring It Out Like Salt. Terms like, "in my heart," "in the Word," and "tempted" were also common. In my experience, Evangelical Christianity flips the script and is proud of it. They are proud to see the world in a "different light"-we'd even sing songs about being "in the Light" (i.e. Jesus). 

But like a lot of religions, they omit the fact that faith is not logic, distort the importance of it, and lie that it will save you from eternal punishment. 

Faith was my everything; here's another post to explain how important it is in Christianity -Faith Culture. Faith is the foundation built on the sand, not the rock.

It is because of faith that we believed that we were to be holy as God is holy. We revealed this in dress as well. The language from Purity Culture stings just as much as its practices and principles. Clothing couldn't be flashy, revealing, short, or tight. No bra straps, cleavage, upper thigh, and god, forbid any ass to show! I once came to a crux with this doctrine when my doctor told me I needed to start letting my breasts breathe due to a rash buildup. How are people with big boobs supposed to fit into this box? 

Dress is meant for you to stand out just as much as it is made to make you fit in. Depending on the sect of Christianity one is from you can find attire that is as strict as the Amish to the casual, hip youth leaders with ripped jeans. Special clothing and designs can be seen from the roots of Judaism to seasonal garbs of the Pegan holidays. In my Lutheran Church, we had to wear long white robes with tassels. In Baptist churches, I had to make sure I wore the best of the best because we were taught that's what God deserved, especially in His house. When I volunteered at churches in Kentucky, we had to wear long skirts and shirts with sleeves.

Clothing brands you. Language controls you. Faith can harm you.

After the language and clothing are in place, it becomes much easier to "other" the rest of the world. I'm clean. You're not. I'm worthy. You're not. I'm saved. You're not. We are swept away from reality into a world we're made to believe is the Truth. We exchange our questions for unjustifiable answers and our individuality for a chance at Heaven.

My Mom despised the fact that I acted like I was better than everyone else because I didn't swear, gossip, curse, or get into trouble. Classmates outside my circle saw my church for what is was-just another cult. Inside the church I thought I was "trading my sorrows, trading my shame." Instead, I was laying myself down to die. Christianity boasts about crucifying the self because the flesh is corrupt and the soul is broken, but people need to know that this is just their language and is not reality.

I was a Christian for almost thirty years. It's hard to deconstruct your identity after so long, but it is so worth it. I believe in free speech, but tact. I believe in wearing what we want to wear but with respect to the occasion. If there is anything to take away from Christianity let it be: treat others how you wanna be treated, not brainwash them into your control. 

Petty

Has anyone ever called you petty?

Have you ever called anyone petty?

Like most people, it's easier for me to "dish it out" instead of "taking it." It's easier to point out someone else's pettiness than to look at our own. But if we're going to make the world a better place, we must always begin with as Michael Jackson once sang, "The Man in the Mirror" and not Tom Petty's "I Won't Back Down" right? But what if we are both? We might know that one person who's always complaining, but have we ever been the one who's been more "concerned with trivial things than what's important?"

I remember the first time my close friend called me petty..."It's been 84 years" since anyone's seen them now...jk jk 

Call it stubbornness or Hedonism, but I started pondering: What's wrong with being petty? Why is it even called that? What's its history? When did it start and why? 

Did you know that it means something totally different in the military? A Petty Officer in the Navy are comparable to a sergeant in the Army according to Google AI Overview.

From what I gathered from online dictionaries, it doesn't sound like a negative trait to have. Why wouldn't you want someone who cares so much about the little details when everyone else just sees the bigger picture? 

I discussed this with my friend this morning; in trying to come up with an example I had to laugh at how subjective the word even is! The same friend who had called me out for being petty over a work policy situation had taught me that words are descriptive, not prescriptive-they change because they are based on the culture and context. 

Culture and context is always key!

You see I always considered my Mom petty. She'd see that the dishes were dried with the wrong towel and thus, had to be rewashed; she'd see you got a C in P.E (from the P.E teacher being petty about the shirt you wore not being the perfect uniform) when every other class was an A. I hated these traits at the moment, but I hate (love) to say it...I thank her for some of that "pettiness" now. She knew that the wrong dish towel had germs. She knew I could do better. She knew I was smart. 

There is no doubt that I'm a spinning image of my mother regardless of how much I try to run away from it. Sometimes pettiness isn't just making a "mountain out of a mole hill;" it's paying closer attention.

I may be biased... But I think we need more petty people. 

Similar in relationships, I would say boundaries are key. Pick your battles. Examine yourself first, why is this (insert "petty" thing) such a big deal to me? What are the pros and cons to pursuing this conflict? 

Psychology courses have taught me to be less reactive to other's actions and more curious about their brain chemistry shaped by their surroundings. I think we should take this to heart before we call someone "petty." 

So...

• When was the last time you asked the person you call "petty" the reasons behind their actions?

Perhaps there needs to be dialogue instead of demonization, hmm? But where is the line drawn between being facetious and childish?

I had ripped down the "Hairnets & Gloves Are Required" paper sign from the office that faced my station. It had been an on and off again war with staff (me) and other managers (mainly just one of four kitchen managers). He was an ass in my (and others) opinion...But his enforcement had now been picked up by our department's new manager and despite not working with open food, here we were (in my opinion) wasting hairnets & gloves by having to wear them. I took out my frustration by dancing upon the now floor-bound signage only to be tormented by it again a few weeks later. But my mistake was telling my friend only my actions and not what lead up to it. Does that dismiss my actions? I don't think it was a big deal, but it depends who you ask.

My employer wanted to enforce hairnet and gloves rule regardless if we worked with open food all because we worked with vulnerable cliental. Our passive aggressiveness towards one another could have ended, I believe, if we all just sat down and talked it out. 

Before you point out the petty people, look at some of those fingers pointing back at you. Perhaps learning more about their point of view could be exactly what you needed to hear. And maybe, just maybe, you'll thank them for seeing something you hadn't! 

*image taken from Facebook repost

Christianity Can Be Cultish Part 2

"You know how much harm you have to cause to heal someone." -Forrest, The Atheist Experience 

Cults like to draw people in by appealing to their deepest desires-belonging, peace, confidence, love and so on. They offer a solution that has 'never been thought of before.' This is why no matter who you are, anyone can be fooled by a cult. A cult is defined not only by its beliefs being seperate from the current popular or large ones, but also by its isolation and new ways of thinking/living. It provides answers to our forever questions that can't be backed scientifically or logically. The purpose is to perpetuate the leader(s) ideology regardless of outside sources. 

This is in high contrast to science. Those who practice science are not the same as those who practice a religion-of which cults can sometimes fall under. Science involves multiple testing, peer review work, and is always open to criticisms and adjustments. Science is a continuation of learning, whereas, cults have a tendency to shut that down. Because of the culture cults create are so intertwined with an individual's identity it can seem like Plato's Allegory of the Cave is being performed before our very eyes. Science can alter lives for sure, both in negative (i.e bombs) and positive (i.e vaccines) ways. Science never claims to hold the meaning to life, but our knowledge in the fields of philosophy, psychology, and sociology can help us achieve a healthier future. 

Like in other tight knit groups, individuals in cults build deep bonds with the leader(s) and whom the leader(s) cherish. Emotional intimacy and in some cases, physical intimacy is established. The leader(s) is/are the  source of the group's joy and stability. The leader(s) know what say, when to say it, and how to say it (in some cases, their silence may speak for them). Followers are convinced to place boundaries against those whom they perhaps once trusted (i.e family and friends). This gives the leader(s) full access to control what their followers say, wear, and even act. The manipulation has brought the impressible brain to one of its lowest points in my opinion, and that is to forsake or be trained to hate one's individualism/humanity.

It's important to note that religions are not cults, but in extreme cases they can become one. Extremism in anything can have higher consequences than benefits. To the outside world religious fanatics are just that-extreme. But to those on the inside, it can feel like you're the only one who's found the lifeboat in this sinking ocean called life. When I was a Christian, I was taught:

1 Corinthians 1:18 (NIV)

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 

And

Hebrew 6:4

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace." 

In addition to:

Matthew 4:7

"Jesus answered him (the devil), “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test." 

John 20:29b

"...blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

And last but not last, 

Hebrews 11:1

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." 

God-forbid (joke) someone read these verses out of context and apply them to their modern day doctrine.

Did you catch the language being used here? Do you see the conclusions that someone could draw?= Only we (the insiders) are wise/have the truth, only those who are/were truly "saved" remain faithful, and believe no matter what.

Cults teach the same thing. If you are more afraid of the consequences for asking questions and/or ever leaving your "faith," then that this a red flag. It's also a sign of an abusive relationship. 

In the extreme branch of Christianity I was in, with my own spin on the religion, and mixed with influencal people, I can now see how it taught me to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Not only are some Christian churches in the wrong for denying divorce and worse, blaming the victim and normalizing domestic violence/sexual assault situations, but their sermons, music, and studies can exhibit signs of emotionally abuse. Many Christians try but are unsuccessful in answering, "Why, if there is a god(s) does he/they allow bad things to happen." Shall we be reminded of Epicurus' quote? If the god I was taught exists, then as The Atheist Experience show likes to say, "He's an asshole." Even if somehow this "god" is stripped of their supernatural powers and still wanted to be my BFF (best friend forever), I'd be cautious. Instead the Christian god is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present and we still have children with cancer. "But God loves you! Jesus died for you! He resurrected for you!" Is it wrong for me to ask prove it? 

Rather than just being a moral booster and mythological stories with lessons mixed with history, my (cultish) religion became my whole life. I literally went to an all girls retreat as a teenager called The Revolve Tour where we were challenged with: are our lives truly revolving around God?! Instead of honing in on math or science, which I enjoyed, I believed there was no greater job I could do than to tell others about Jesus. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life, the great Shepard, the wonderful counsel, the King of kings, the Lord of lords, my Savior, Lover, Best Friend, Husband, brother, teacher, mentor, idol... If I disobey, I recrucify him and cause the Holy Spirit to grieve. What kind of person am I to hurt the one person who did the impossible for me? This shame of wounding him that loved me so much to bear the horrors of the cross led me to self-harm, depression, and suicidal tendencies. I thought since I would never be rid of my sinful nature, it was better to just be with the Lord. Thankfully, like with Job & Jonah, I felt/believed God challenged me to stay alive. I had a mission after all! This is how we/I pleased Him-not by dying physically, but emotionally-and not just once but daily! "He must become greater and greater and I must become less and less." -John 3:30 was our goal, our mission, our identity and essentially our downfall. 

Picking up the pieces after shattering the religious identity is a process. Remember those days of old when you first embarked on the journey that led you into that cult. Your questions about the meaning of life and its value still exist; how are you going to respond to them? Remember how much time it took to be convinced that this cult was worth investing into? It's probably going to take double that amount of time to deprogram it all. Be gracious and patient with yourself. If you need help and community, here are some rad sources below:

Leaving Religion Org & Their Resources

The Atheist Experience

Some other sources based on topics mentioned: 

Handout

Anyone can be in cult

Cult psychology

History about cults

cult leader personalities

cults and religion

the book I'll be reading...

Signs of Emotional abuse

science and religion

science different from faith

example of Christian propaganda

Project Angel Fouls Part 8

I may only have a Bachelor's Degree studying non-profit management, fundraising, Philosophy, psychology, and Community Development, 

as well as, served most of my life in non-profits,

 but I still have more to learn! However, what I have witnessed at Project Angel Food has been unprofessional, unethical, and at times illegal from what I have learned. 

Here are all the examples (that I could think of) listed from bad to worse. For some, I have inserted links to brief research showing how this is a violation:

-employees not having gate/door access codes to the building upon hire forcing them to wait sometimes months 

-not enough secure lockers/space for all the employees

-HR firing an employee without informing or consulting the direct manager of that employee

-having a manager do employee reviews although they rarely interacted with those individuals throughout the year(s) 

-hiring an expensive union buster and having staff meetings where the CEO & HR said things like, "You'll lose all your benefits." "The Union only has its interest in mind." "The union fees are expensive." 

-having no parking for their 100 employees 

-having more than 100 clients per client services staff member

-having confusing food options (always changing something, supplier issues, forcing clients to take food they don't want/like, giving whole food with chopped food, giving too much sugar/salt, etc.)

-reconstructing new buildings for expansion project despite needing $8 million (and not adding a parking lot)

-moving work locations without having a clause in the handbook or offering incentives 

-for months served not fully cooked chicken that still had feathers attached

-despite the USDA defining red meat as beef and pork, the organization did not consider beef as red meat. This led to numerous clients receiving beef. When I spoke to our nutritionist, they said, 'that we've always done it this way, we only serve the cleanest cuts, and doctors don't mean zero red meat.

-a CEO forcing an employee to come to work on their day off just to move a vehicle 

-the use of personal cellphones for deliveries before receiving HIPAA training

-noting a client's gender on birthday bags 

-on the edge sexist dress code 

-having employees work outside their scope or job description for months without proper training or compensation 

-having open bar events on work premises while on the clock

-hiring a manager for a department that couldn't arrive at the start time and instead had an employee do opening duties without getting paid management pay

-HR changing shift and meal break times without properly informing everyone 

-HR failing to inform staff of a list of discounts and benefits around the city 

-HR entering their own contest that had cash prizes 

-continuing to have employed and then rehiring twice an employee who faked their COVID vaccination 

-continuing to have an employee with severe back pain and who could barely work, continue to work. Then the delay in responding to this employee faking their injuries (proof shown on camera) and continuing to allow them medical leave 

-HR telling an employee they needed them to work sooner than their surgery recovery time requested because we were short-staffed. When the employee mentioned why another employee wasn't rushed with their recovery time HR responded, "That was then, this is now." 

-HR firing an employee due to a racial joke heard from a bystander while only suspending another for a racist comment reported by the victim 

-denying Father's maternity leave when the handbook (printed 3/2013) does not specify the parent's gender/role in taking time off for newborn 

-a manager who admits coworkers are too comfortable (being unprofessional) yet has said "glad (new supervisor) is here so I don't have to put up with your shit," jokes about coworkers being ugly, jokes about starting a fight with coworkers outside, has poured a container of Cheerios on a coworker while "playing" around

-a coworker of 2 years who has repeatedly made sexual jokes (guys wearing girl underwear, guys being queer, what he's going to do with his lady), is immature (retaliates to any type of correction, makes dismissive comments, backhanded statements), and has numerous conflicts with coworkers (so much so the person moved positions) never receiving discipline or training. I personally have heard this person say to someone inquiring about the organization, "Just lie and say you're mentally ill. They'll help you." 

-a manager responding with, "Are you autistic?" when I asked if I could organize papers.

-delaying in mechanical fixes to company vehicles which has led to numerous safety violations (doors not closing properly, sensors beeping nonstop, wipers not working, blinkers not working, gas cover missing, front plates missing) and health problems (heat exhaustion due to broken AC, tendonitis do to not knowing how to close broken door properly).

-HR trying to implement a point penalty system where even if there are public transit issues, you would be punished

-HR having me fill out papers for their lawyers about my long-term disability application that I had already been having deducted from my check and not informing me that I could get declined. I was declined and not reimbursed.

-HR ignoring several attempts of me reaching out about applying my short-term disability benefits, leading me to think everything was taken care of, only to find out on the day I would have gotten a check that I had paperwork to do outside of the company to get paid. HR literally said, "I can't be expected to answer every email." and on the day I finally got the information said, "Well, I'm helping you now."

-HR telling me that since there was a glitch in the computer that allowed a third floating holiday, that I only get one this year despite this revoking the Cesar Chavez Holiday benefit. 

-HR denying to pay out or transfer the enormous acquired sick/vacation time one coworker had from our previous pay app

-HR finally rewarding me 8 hours (equivalent to one Floating Holiday) but giving me 90 days to use it

-HR telling an employee who was injured in a work accident that their doctor's note for days off included the employee's already scheduled days off (i.e the weekend)

-not having a HIPAA IT training and acknowledgment before giving employees use of company cell phones with client information

-not having locks on employee company cell phones which have access to client information 

-went thirty years without having employees sign for the release of or know that their full name, picture, and job position were posted on the company website

-a CEO residing also as the head of the Board 

-CEOs dating employees

-a CEO screaming and accusing an employee of failure, embarrassing them during a team meeting 

-a manager verbally assaulted (yelling & accusing) a staff member, using vulgar language (like fuck) and made this coworker feel too intimated to report them

-a manager who said, "Dance for me and I'll give you a dollar." Three dollars are actually still taped to a wall from when a staff member shook her breasts for that manager

-a manager giving elaborate gifts and having personal/sexual conversations with two staff members 

-delaying the termination of a manager who was having intimate relations with two staff members 

-giving severance pay to the sexual abuser when they were fired 

-not reporting the physically abusive threats and severe harassment conducted by the sexual abuser upon two staff members, only because the perpetrator was just fired

-not reporting the sexual assault of a minor

I propose an operations shutdown so PAF can focus on leadership and team restructuring. I think the building project should be put on hold until our house is in order and funds are secure. Until HR is held responsible for their actions and PAF brings justice to its workers, I'm afraid this is sayonara for me.